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Is it wise? I want to send her an email and tell her to get the f out of my lfe and let her know if she does not, she will now face the consequences of persuing a married man."his wife". I have been pretty patient and gracious with her since she is single and he is married, but I am begining to think shaking up her protected world might be helpful in some way. Does it serve any purpose?

If you do, just leave it at "get the f___ out". Any more than that and she will know just how important she was in your life. Don't give her that satisfaction. And don't threaten her. Don't give her anything she might use against you legally.

Keep in mind that she probably won't care what you say to her. It likely will not affect her in any way.

Here's what you do:

Write the OW a letter. Tell the OW everything you have always wanted to tell her. Call her names. Make threats.

Then...

DO NOT send the email. The only purpose it serves is to get out all of your frustrations. If you contact her, you are allowing her into your life and head again.

I have several OW letters I've written and never sent.

SHE WON'T CARE

Got to agree with Very tired here. I regularly have some pretty strong urges to try and get into contact with the OMM (his family were all close friends with mine, vacations holidays together etc.), but I've been fighting them off. When I expressed this urge for contact to my IC he suggested I just write anything I like but don't send anything until I can really understand just what it is I am hoping to get from some kind of contact. And that's just it... I still don't know the answer to that.

Wrote one unsent letter early on, planning to write others, probably never send them either. I think that if it's closure I am searching for just the act of writing them might be enough.

Additionaly, writing a letter is just opening another window of contact between the OP and your life when noncontact should be the main focus.

Good luck.

This is the key for me...

Additionaly, writing a letter is just opening another window of contact between the OP and your life when noncontact should be the main focus.

NC provides a number of healthy benefits, but the biggest is allowing for focus to be placed on the right areas. Just as it's critical in R for a WS to focus on their BS and what they need to heal, it's also important that the BS focus on who their WS really is and whether they are still a person they want in their lives. If you are focusing on the OP, you are opening a window to the OP and building a wall between you and your WS.

Write the letter as a vent. Write it on paper and then tear it or burn it up. Type it and then delete it before sending it. Post it as an open letter to vent here on SI.

But as soon as you send it to the OP, you open that window and create the excuse for the OP to continue to escalate their role in your lives.

Don't even bother. I admit, I sent an email. A really good one, I might add. No response. Then, one day I randomly called her and OMG she answered. I froze. I finally introduced myself and she was a calm as could be and said I will not be talking to you. I'm like WHAT!!! I said, "Well, we do have some things to discuss. Oh wait, your H is in the room". She said yes he was and THEY would not talk to me or read my emails. In my twisted head, she would talk to me, answer my questions, etc.... Didn't happen. Then, I hung up and thought to myself, "Why didn't I immediately ask her to let me talk to her H." Hindsight.

A little background: she is totally lying to her H. If I were to speak with her H, my WH could lose his job as her H is best friends with a corporate boss. I just can't win.

So, write unsent emails. Have imaginary phone calls. She could care less how you feel. Trust me....

SHE WON'T CARE

i agree. i contacted most of the OWs before I knew not to contact them and it didn't make a difference either with them or in me. it's not like a letter is going to bring an epiphany for them.

[This message edited by ladya at 1:53 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

My take is a little different but with the same end result. I'm thinking that the OW/OM is just waiting to hear something/anything from you or your WS. They WANT you to communicate with them. So, I absolutely refuse to give her what she wants. I want her to wonder endlessly what is going on with my WH and I. I want her to lie away at night thinking about what is happening with us. That is part of my revenge! Believe me, I want to go off on this bitch with every fiber of my being. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing that it's actually worse for her that she doesn't know what is happening with us.

She won't care, and if you do write her, she will "think" you are worried about her. She will think that she still has some controll in your life and your R and that you are jealous and that your wh still might have feelings for her.

Write it out and post it. You aren't alone wanting to tell her what you think, but it will serve no purpose and in the end it doesn't help what you want to do which is reconcile.

Posting it here gives validation to what you want to say, but it gives nothing to her...only you.

[This message edited by diditagn at 12:49 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

If you contact her now you run the risk of bringing her back into your life.

NC = No new hurts

I emailed the OW and she never responded. I really regret that and feel like I gave away a bit of myself to her by doing that.

In time I imagine my hard work will release this affair for myself and her guilt will always weigh on her consciously or subconsciously. She may ask for forgiveness one day- or maybe not.

Anyways, If I could redo it- I would not contact her at all- I would laugh at her if I even saw her and just know that she is nothing but a sad, sad, empty person who was left with nothing.

Don't do it.

I am a fWS and the xOM was also married. The brutal facts are that we continued the A post-D-Day, but eventually decided to go NC with each other. I was divorcing my xBH and my xBH held (and still holds) a lot of rage toward xOM. He asked a colleague of xOM's to deliver a message to xOM for him. The message was very threatening apparently.

xOM and I had been NC with each other several weeks at this point. But when xOM got the threatening message from my xBH, he reached out to me to check in with me since he knew I was (and am) afraid of my xBH. He wondered if xBH was escalating in his abuse of me as well. That contact opened the floodgates again. We went from 0 contact for nearly a month to more than 100 emails in a few days, plus hours on IM and the phone. The full-blown PA resumed shortly thereafter.

All that to say, if there is any reason to believe that your WH is NC with this woman, do NOT give them a reason to communicate with each other. Even if you think there is no NC in place, do NOT give them a reason to talk about how you're crazy. (I in no way think you are crazy, and you are totally justified, but they will spin this into some sort of justification for their A if given the opportunity.)

JMHO.

I did the patient and gracious bit (because I am gracious and did think she'd been badly used by my husband) - were I not on a phone, I could write chapter and verse about the delusions of the single OW, (and mine in particular).

Being in touch with her creates a triangulation that increases complexity, and 'adrenalin addiction' for all involved. She never belonged in your marriage in the first place - do NOT invite her back in through any form of contact. You will have been seen by her as great competition, and a threat. To contact her in any way now could be inferred that she is a threat to you, and encourage all sorts of disingenuous fishing.

She will only understand NC through that message being communicated by your WH, and the clear indication of indifference to her shown by you and your H.

You will not achieve indifference for some time maybe, but it is best to practice and show it.

Where is your H in all this OW star-crossed lovers fantasy necessary disavowal?

Wow, Thanks to all. All the posts really made me see this a whole lot clearer. She will not be hearing from me. Although I have to admit, I did send her a text on day that said "STAY OUT OF MY LIFE". I just wanted to take that little message and tell her what it meant Thanks again

KInd of a flip side to this "contacting OW"? Have any of you had the BS of MOW call to ask for details? MOW is refusing to give details. As I KNOW what it is like to have to ask over and over and over before getting information, my heart went out to him and I gave him all the details I had. Just wondering if anyone has done this and should I continue if he calls back?

I really needed to read this today!

I had a dream about the OW last night so this morning I've constantly been thinking about her. I even went on facebook to look at her page (which I know I shouldn't do but when I'm feeling emotional sometimes I just can't help myself).

It's her birthday on 11 Oct and she thinks the number 11 is her lucky number. I really want to send her an e-mail on her birthday with 11 facts about her i.e 1. She is ugly, 2. she is fat, 3. she is a broken person, 4. she is a worthless POS etc etc. Obviously I just want to hurt her in some way and make her feel miserable on her birthday but I guess on the flip side it shows her that she is still affecting my life and there is a possibility that she could try and contact my FWF (there's been no contact since the day after d-day when he phoned her to tell her I knew and that there would be NC).

Sigh.

One thing I did get from looking at her fb page though is that she's dropped out of college again, is struggling to find work and is moving back to live with her abusive, prostitute mother because she has no money (she left home when she was 16 due to the physical/emotional abuse at the hands of her mother).

I guess the karma bus is rapidly descending on her and I should just let it take it's course naturally...

It's not the OW that you need to worry about, it's your WH. 3 false R's, seems like you might need to question if he's really into this or not. But it's not the OW that is the issue, it's the WH that keeps allowing contact, or inviting it, whichever the case may be.

It's so tempting. I often think that talking to the OW is the only way I will really find out how serious this was between them. All I get from my WH is "just friends".

But I'm pretty sure she would not talk to me anyway. Or even tell me the truth. So I will stay NC with her unless she contacts my husband again and then I will beat the crap out of both of them.