SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

I haven't been on this board in quite a while. I spent alot of time here while my H was going through an A with the mother of my DD's best friend. I kicked him out in Oct. 08 and filed for divorce in 12/08. He kept saying he would stop, but never did. When I kicked him out, I was really hoping the drastic action would bring him to his senses. I hoped the same with filing for D. No such luck.

After the divorce, I found out that he had stopped seeing OW, but had started seeing a new one. Great.

We get along fairly well for the kids, 11 and 15. Go to alot of sporting events for my son together. Here is the thing---a couple of weeks ago, he asks if he can come by to talk about something.Well, I know exactly what it is because the day before my son had the most important baseball game of his life, Nationals, and his dad didn't show, didn't call, didnt call later, just nothing. So, at about 11pm I couldn't stand it anymore and I called him with the intention of telling him to call his son and ask about his game. I have to call several times before he picks up (getting madder) and when he does he is acting all weird and never ends up calling my son. So then he calls me the next day and wants to come over to talk. so he gets here and proceeds to tell him he doesn't know what is going on with him and all he wants to do is score lately? I'm like "score what, what are you talking about?." And he is like you know what I mean with women.

I'm like really, that is what you do now? And he says well, 4 or 5 since the divorce. Why in the hell am I still hurt and sickened by this news. This from a man that was married at 18 to his high school sweetheart who was pregnant, and then we met shortly after his divorce. This from a man who used to decline bachelor party invites because he had no interest in strip clubs.

I feel so stupid for wanting the H that I knew to come back. After all this, how can I find myself still wishing he would see the errors of his ways and beg to come back? What is wrong with me? This latest revelation just sickens me, I dont know if I could ever touch him again knowing how he was giving it away to anybody. Gross. Yet, I still miss my family being together. I haven't even entertained the idea of dating. I don't want to, I don't feel ready. But then I feel like if he is, I should be. He was over this morning picking up the kids for school and I made him a bagel and he said "thanks honey, that hit the spot." I said what did you call me? Is that what you call all women now? He said no, I don't know why I keep doing that with you. (he always used to call me honey).

How do I stop these stupid thoughts in my head?

And is he ever going to come out of the fog? EVER?

Why can't I give up hope?

Any and all advice is welcome.

ps-I will be re-doing my profile, it was way too long and wordy, and a bit too emotional. written in the middle of everything. coming soon. if you have questions pls ask.

thanks so much in advance for anyone who can shed light on my bizarre thoughts. I'm a reasonably intelligent, educated woman and I'm just at a loss about this.

ooooops, divorce was final in 11/09. we reconciled for 3 mos between the time I filed and when the divorce was final at his request. then he got up one morning, told me it wasn't working for him and he walked out the front door.

(((hesuxx)))

I'm so sorry. So, if I understand it, you are divorced but still hoping to R?

Unfortunately, now that the two of you are divorced, what he does is not your concern or, really, business anymore (as long as it doesn't impact the kids, although in this case it did with your son's game- and you called him on it).

Perhaps for your own sanity, you need to try and detach from him more- no making him bagels, etc. etc. You have a strictly co-parenting relationship now. I know that's difficult- I can't imagine the pain you are in over your family being separated- but that's the reality of divorce.

You won't heal, let alone date, if you still harbor even the smallest of flames for him. You need to sort of do a 180 on him- for YOURSELF. He shouldn't be telling you the details of his sex life, and you shouldn't be making him breakfast... you are divorced.

However, now that you DO know what's going on with him, perhaps it will help you to see that this is who he is- he was an unfaithful husband, and now is preoccupied with bedding as many women as possible (perhaps he has an element of SA?). This is NOT someone who you want to R with- he has not worked on himself at all.

(((huge hugs)))

Why exactly is he telling you about his need to "score"? Why are you making him food? Why are you letting him come over to "talk" when its all about him and his immature behavior?

I do believe he is using you and you are letting him. You are comfortable and he can count on you to be some type of safety net.

My first X/father of my children, does not contact me for anything other than child related, then it's just the facts. We can both be at games, we don't sit near each other.

I beleive he is showing you who he really is, and it ain't pretty, but you still want the dream and hopes that you had when you married. Like most of us here you have to learn to let go of those, they aren't real any more, he is showing you the real and still keeping you on the line for his own satisfaction.

Hugs to you. I have been through this too, the letting go and changing the dynamics of your relationsip is a bitch, but it will make you feel sooo much better.

Thank you Hill for your quick and thoughtful response. I know these things, it helps to hear it from you, but I know these things yet it always seems as soon as feel somewhat distanced from him, there is a game, or some reason we are both at one of children's events. I don't want to be the divorced couple that can't get along for the sake of thier children when it is necessary. I feel like a real ninny saying all this. I mean really, he left us for that lifestyle? I just can't get out of my head that this is not person I knew, married and had children with. It's just not computing in my head that he has chosen this life over his family. I am the only person that has felt like that even after divorce?

I guess you all are right because when I read your post and thought to myself but how do you let go of a dream, how do I watch my children let go of thier dreams? tears started flowing and I'm not even feeling emotional right now. For the record, I rarely make him food. I gave him a bagel because I was making my son one and he was waiting on my son to take him to school so I just put two in the toaster and gave him one. Wasn't a big deal. He does stupid things too, like the other day, he left with my son, then came back in the room and said "omg, I just came back in here to kiss you goodbye." I just stared at him like WTF?

So, what do I do, 180 him? I've been waiting for two years for him to come to his senses and come home:( I haven't let him know I feel that way though. I'm not doing a good job of moving on. I don't feel like anyone else will ever want me. I used to be quite pretty with a great job. Now I am a stay home mom who went through a pretty severe depression during this whole thing and I have put on weight I have had a hard time losing...

One of the most painful things about my divorce was realizing that the man I thought I had married wasn't there anymore- or perhaps never was.

We had issues in our marriage- but I thought no marriage is perfect, we were good enough friends to get through it- the man I thought I married was sweet, loved me no matter what difficulties lay ahead of us.

When I discovered his relatively LTA, I knew it was the end. Immediately. I knew that someone who could deceive me for so long (at least a year) was not someone I wanted to be married to anymore.

Deep down I knew he didn't have it in him to do the hard work to R. I did not want to be his mother, did not want to police him... and I knew this is what I would've had to do had we tried to R. I just couldn't do it.

But that doesn't mean that I didn't mourn the man I once knew, the marriage I thought would last, our dreams of the future. It wasn't easy deciding what the next stage of my life would look like.

Looking back, I know I made the right decision. Divorce is no easier than R, just a different path. But to get through it, you HAVE to distance yourself from him. Remind yourself WHY you divorced. You can't really think of the good times now without them being tainted by what he did to your marriage, can you?

Again, what he is going through now is just more evidence he is not a man who can commit to a marriage- to you or anyone else.

You need to let go, as hard as that is. Although you want your family together, your children will respect you for the decisions you've made when they are older. You are setting an example as to how they should expect to be treated... don't settle for anything less yourself.

(((more hugs)))

It took me a really long time to stop hoping that my XH would snap out of it and go back to being the person I fell in love with.

Hill-you pretty much hit the nail on the head. It sounds like you totally understand the contradictory pictures of him in my head, good old WH, new bad WH. I know he won't be changing or coming back, and even if he did I don't think I could ever touch him. When he told me about the scoring thing, I said "and what on earth makes you think that your ex wife is the appropriate person to be talking about your sex life to? Gross!" I still think that was very creepy. He's morphed into this alien I don't even know.

DCK-How long and what was the thing that made you realize it was never going to happen or you didn't care anymore if it happened?

For me the letting go of the dream was to get a new dream. I started this not to long after DDay. I was a shy person, my new dreams are:

Be an outgoing, confident person--done

Finish my degree--working at it

Spend more time with my adult kids--done

Get in great physical shape--working at it

Be happy with me--done

Get a job I like--working at it

Make new friends--done and on going

Take the Hawiian cruise I have dreamed of--saving for it

Attend the Marine Corps Ball with brother, across the country--going in November.

If you could do anything you wanted what would it be?

[This message edited by tearsofjade at 11:33 AM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

Awe, hesuxx, I could have written your post almost word for word about 8 months ago. I miss my "family". It sucks...but what you just experienced was finally realizing he is not the man you thought he was.

I know for me I came accross a "profile" that went back to 1999 that was ex's. It was still active even though he is "committed" to ow. It was that moment in time where I all of the sudden became disgusted with him. (It also helps that it disgusts me that he is with what he is with but that's a different post)

I mean how can I want someone that is with or does something like that. To me it kind of had the "ick" factor. It was really the point that turned me around and with it went all of those "feelings" of wanting to reconcile. Your feelings are neither right or wrong. They just are.

The most important thing now is to do things that work on your self esteem. Look at everything you can do on your own, and realize that you are OK without him. Make a list of everything that you have done since the divorce that you are proud of. It can be something as little as killing a mouse to fixing a toilet. It will take time to redevelope the self esteem but I think you will be amazed about how far you have came.

One of the hardest things for me was to realize that I am no longer responsible for his relationship with the kids. It isn't my job anymore to ensure he is there for the games, I'm not his personal assistant anymore. He fired me from that job. I am only responsible for myself and of course my kids, but I don't have to defend him to his kids anymore. Pass the responsibility of him hurting your kids back to him...you can't do anything about it. The one thing I started to do with my kids when they were dissapointed when he didn't show up, was simply acknowledging their pain by saying "I know it must hurt, I wish I could take it away but I can't" then I'd go on to encourage them to talk to their dad about it. I quit making excuses for him to my kids. This also gives them "permission" if you will to express their own feelings to their dad.

I to this day, don't hate my ex...I hate what he does, but I have come to accept that I can't change him, he wasn't who I thought he was and that I only loved who I thought he was. I admit that I still harbor some hope that he will magicly be that person again, but I know he won't. He was a part of my life for my entire adult life, that just doesn't go away because some judge said we are divorced. It takes time.

Wow, diditagin, sounds like you have definately been where I am. I feel so stupid sometimes when I let myself wish I could turn back the clock and none of this happened, we were still together and happy, and my kids still had two parents in the same house to raise them. The thoughts do get less and less as times goes on. But, I still find myself often getting really angry and saying "if he hadn't left, I wouldn't be dealing with ________"

On a brighter note, I had an interview today because I would like to volunteer for hospice this winter and was approved to begin thier 32 hour education course, so I am looking very forward to that. I just can't face another long cold Ohio winter doing nothing but waiting for my kids to get home from school.

thanks so much your post, nice to know I am not the only one who has gone through this.