SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OK. When I found the text I also called his mom and had her tell him to get out of the house because I did not want him there when I got home. She did and H left. I think he went to the fire house. He kept trying to call and text. I would not answer.

He said that she had that yahoo account from when they worked together and that he didn't know she had even sent him a message. True, he hadn't read it. He said that I was making a big deal out of nothing. I said wrong! I was done. If she thought that it was ok to still contact him that that is a problem. He came home that night and slept on the couch because I had nothing to say to him.

Sunday morning I woke up to a text on my phone. You guys are in for a real treat... here it goes...

OW- I'm sorry. For the problems I caused in your marriage. I will leave him alone.

ME-How can I believe that. If u love him how can you? (NAME) we have been happy for 12 years and have 3 beautiful children. You don't know me and probably think I am crazy but I am not. I am kind, forgiving, faithful and hurt. I just don't understand all of this. I have wanted to go to your church so bad and get some kind of help but I didn't even have the heart to hurt you that bad. Stupid of me. I know I have to forgive u. I don't know.

OW-I'm a good person (my name) I hurt to. I hate everyone hurting from this

ME-I reached out in kindness when this started. I know in my heart that u didn't owe me anything. U didn't say vows in front of god to me. He did. If you only knew the pain. It hurts to think of all the things he has probably told you about me that aren't even true. I hope that you find happiness and that u make this right with God because he has carried me through a lot of this. Even my children hurt. (H's name) is not a bad person. Maybe we were just in a vulnerable place. Maybe one day I will forgive. Thank u for reaching out and I hope it is genuine.

ME- (Name) do you love him? Do you want him to leave his family for you?

OW- I am not a home wrecker.

Me- I want to know if u truly love and want him or did it just go too far? I need some truth. Truth is better than all the lies. I want closure one way or the other.

OW- Thats up to you.

ME- I want my family but I will not have 3 in it. It is time u two own ur crap and end it for good. Know that it was wrong and rise above. I know he is not going to leave me. U need to realize that he loves me more than this and our children deserve both parents. (name) if he was going to leave he already would have. That may hurt but it is the truth. He loves me and has pushed me away but he is trying to make it right. Now it is done. Do not block your number and call him anymore. Do not send him texts. I have plenty of those. It is done. I do not need you to contact me anymore unless it is to say u have met someone and I will wish u happiness.

ME- Read Matthew about affairs. Do u not know that nothing good can come of it. It is an abomination. I do not have to judge that will come from above. He that destroys himself will not sit in my presence. Psalms.

Me- Just know that I have been praying for u and my marriage. God is stronger than this and will bring us through. Maybe we crossed paths for a reason and when we get to heaven we will know why we went through these trials. It is time people practice what they preach. Actions speak louder than words. Lets say u two would end up together. He would eventually hate u and himself for losing his family. I know him better than anyone. He gave u a small part of himself and it was the weakest part that any man can give. I bet u didn't bet on it being a woman like me. Heal yourself. Pray. U will get through.

Was what I said to her appropriate? Should I have been a whole lot meanier? For those of you who think I was too soft when I talked to her on the phone I told her I hoped he could move in with her because he deserved an adultering home wrecking whore like her.... so I did have my moment of nastiness.

I woke him up and read him all of the texts. I told him that he needed to man up and be done with it once and for all because I am. I am done with it. I wash my hands of it even if it means he has to leave and I have to move on. I have taken the high road and this is the last straw. He said that he doesn't want to call or talk to her. I told him he better do what he needs to do because this one heart that I have is done giving and I will not give anymore.

So, I did not talk to him the rest of the day. The kids and I had an awesome time playing outside. We had an awesome dinner. We went and watched the fireman play softball... yes he was there. He went and got his own dinner. He came home and fell asleep on the bed so I happily watched old movies and slept on the couch. Today he mowed the grass, went to work, came home and I have yet to say anything to him. I am now at work and glad to be away. This is the final home stretch. He may not have known that she was sending him a message, but I will accept no less than nothing between the two of them. If they fail I know what I must do. Thanks for reading.

(((changed29))) So sorry for what you are going through.

Don't try to second guess what you said. What's done is done. There is only one thing the OW said that was of any significance:

OW-I'm sorry. For the problems I caused in your marriage. I will leave him alone.

The most important thing at this point is to establish NC. That goes for both the WS and the BS.

There is an article in "The Healing Library" titled, The No Contact Agreement:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

Also keep in mind that your WS has no control over what the OW does. As long as he is maintaining NC and is totally transparent, he is doing the right thing.

It's also important that if the OW tries to contact him that he tell you about it right away. If he thinks you will be angry at him, he may be relunctant to tell you.

Has your husband written the OW a no contact letter? Sounds to me like she still thinks she is welcome to contact him.

I think you're a way bigger person than I would have been. I admire you for it.

I was nothing but kind to the last OW! It really pissed her off that I wasn't the horrible bitch she had made me out to be... but it didn't stop her from becoming a pathetic stalker! Several police reports and a RO later... she's now on supervised probation for violating it!

I feel good about myself for not stooping to her level of depravity and pathetic behavior. I think you handled it very well... just don't put up with any of her shit! The NC letter is a good idea... send it by mail with a return receipt. If she contacts you after that... file a police report for harassment! Keep filing and get an RO if she doesn't go away. Her apology means nothing... considering her obvious lack of morals... it is most likely a sad attempt at manipulation. Any communication is what she's looking for... don't take the bait. If you say you don't want to talk to her... DON'T! Say what you mean and mean what you say and don't negotiate!

HUGS!!

Thoughts get jumbled sometimes....let me include if I haven't on my other posts that after I opened the message I called H, OW and his mom.

I told OW what a whore and adulteress she is and told her that I was taking all of my information to her preacher and outting her at her church. This was Sat.

Hence the text from her Sun.

Was she fishing for some kind of contact with my H, maybe. Was she scared her double life was going to be outted to her church and it is just fear talking? Could be. Will it be enough? I don't know.

A NC letter wasn't sent in the beginning because H said that he had already ended things with her and did not want to contact her.... except if it was business. That is all a lie in hind sight.

I had already showed my ass and cussed her for what she did... and she is a self proclaimed church going, christian woman, so when she sent this I decided it was time to take the high road and just put it all out there. It may have been too much information, but at least she will know that I am a woman of integrity and faith and that her double life does not go unnoticed by me. She needs conviction and fast! So does my H.

I am almost to the point where I don't care anymore. The love is totally different, the feelings are too much... I just want this to end one way or the other. I would rather let him go and continue on his destructive path that will only bring him unhappiness than fight for a M that has been so hurt. I have one heart and I cannot give anymore.

You can nourish love or it dies. I need a break from it all. From the pain, drama and lies.

How arrogant is she? She didn't cause problems in your marriage; your WH did. She's just the first available walking, talking blow-up doll he could find.

I swear, I think every OW is on an ego trip. Ugh.

You can nourish love or it dies.

This is so true. But why is it the BS has to do most of the nourishing during R? So unfair.

Keep on with your strong 180 and make him do the work... good for you! Let's hope he is willing to put all the work in to fight for you guys!

So did you take the information to the pastor and elders or her church? I asked because I honestly think that is exactly what you need to do. You are to confront her and if she doesn't acknowledge her sin, you are to go to the elders of her church. That is scriptural.

The OW in my situation was also someone who proclaimed to be a strong Christian woman and she portrayed herself to her church and friends that way. She didn't want anyone to know what she was doing. After my H came back to the M, she continued to harass us. My H and I met with the pastor or her church and my H confessed everything. We told him of her actions and that she was continuing to attend and be involved with the church while living a double life. He took her phone number and name and said he would be meeting with church leaders and would be calling her in to address her sin. He told us if she contacted us again we were to inform him. She did and I wrote her a NC letter and told her she would most likely be getting a call from her pastor as we told him everthing. That was the end of it. We finally stopped hearing from her. I am sure her worst nightmare came true when she found out her church knew who she was and what she was doing.

I think you should do the same thing. It may stop things once it is not only out in the open to the world but her personal world in the church and church family.

I think you did the right thing with letting the church know as it hopefully will help keep her from bothering you again.

I just want you to consider all the possibilities and that your FWH might have been totally innocent in this. In my personal experience, I received a note from MOW 3 days before my wedding anniversary. I know it was designed to create trouble with the end result that we'd split up. Yes, it made me furious with her. Yes, it made me furious with FWS. Yes, it made me furious that she was tainting my marriage yet again. When she sent him a text on OUR anniversary that she 'was thinking of him', I saw red. And actually, in our case, he HAD just seen her. But she didn't know that seeing her was the biggest 2x4 that FWH could have gotten. He was disgusted by her, her clothes and her desperation.

But not knowing any of this? I didn't want to engage her. I knew if I did, I'd be stooping to her level. And I was better than that. She was white trash and wasn't deserving of a reply. Of course, I was furious and frustrated that I couldn't tell her off. But I knew that by responding, I'd be reopening the wound. Much better to ignore. In fact, I think I wrote a vent letter here to get some of my rage out.

The fact is that her little ploy to get me so angry that I'd kick him out didn't work. I ignored it and FWH didn't contact her either. She is the human equivalent of a zit on your ass. Ignore it, and it will go away on it's own.

I want you to think about this... if she sent a text, and your WH didn't read it, can you be SURE he even saw it? If this would ever happen again, I would wait a day or two to see what he does with it and if he would tell you about it.

Yes, I know it sucks that she texted him, and you have EVERY right to be extremely angry and hurt. But she COULD have been trying to create trouble in your marriage (just as my MOW did) and hoping you'd get fed up and kick him out. Even with him not doing anything to encourage her. And it looks like she may have succeeded.

I DO think him saying that you're making a big deal out of nothing would set me off. Yes, it IS a big deal. Yes, it is because of HIS actions that you even have questions. Yes, you shouldn't have to deal with another woman persuing your husband. So, the 'no big' deal comment would make me enraged, as I'm sure you saw red. However, even with the stupid comment, it IS possible that he was innocent. Sometimes giving them time to react can be more telling on how they really are behaving.

Good luck!