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I really don't know how we will get through this without being able to spend time on ourselves. I guess this is part of the reason the A happened in the first place? There seriously is very little time. I'm so scared and feel so alone in the world right now.

We've been facing the same lack of time issue. I know it sounds silly, but its football season for our oldest and it just takes up all the time from august to December.

I've found that there are a lot of people in my world who are very willing to take a couple of my kids at a time. We only have 3 (vs your 6) but can you sort of hand them out? at least for a night a week? It will take longer to work through everything, but its a start.

WH and I also have loads of talks on the phone during lunch breAks. I don't know how that would work for you, but take as much time as you can find. Make time. Even of its in 5 minute increments.

Good luck to you hun.

I can only speak for myself. I went years without finding the time. My WW did the same. Now that the M is broken down, I know that I could have found the time. Hindsight is 20/20. If you want to R, you will find the time.

Best to you.

If your marriage is important to you, then you make the time. It becomes a part of your life.

I guess this is part of the reason the A happened in the first place?

It was definitely one of the contributing factors for us.

Pre-A our marriage had become very much kid-centric. We rarely had time for each other. During R, we found ways to make time for each other. It has become a permanent part of our life now.

Eventually you have to ask yourself what is more important, A happy marriage or infidelity/divorce.

but its football season for our oldest and it just takes up all the time from august to December.

Another kid-centric marriage. So football season takes priority over your marriage? Can you both take your kid to football practice and then both of you sneak over to a coffee shop for some nice conversation?

Be creative and find ways to make it work. I can't tell you how much happier we are since we have made our marriage a priority. By the way, the kids are doing just fine. In fact, sometimes they complain that we do to much kissing. Sometimes they just say, "Get a room!".

We have one child that we can never leave. He has a medical condition and cannot be left with a sitter for a night together. Do you think that a couple should put each other before their children? I do not mean that in a negative way. What I'm saying is that in my experience putting the children first has left very little time to keep our relationship strong. I have always put my children first and would likely feel selfish to do otherwise. Thank you for the support....it really matters.

You commited to your partner for a lifetime. The best thing (of course in my opinion) for parents to do for their children is to set the example of a loving relationship. That means MAKING the time for your spouse. Relationships take time and effort. If you don't take care of that relationship, it will whither and die. A poor marriage NEVER EVER EVER justifies betrayal, but the relationship can be dead just the same. Children grow up and move away and have a life based on they witnessed, what they learned. If you want to reconcile with your husband, and you think he's worth it, he needs to be a priority, certainly among others, but he can't be ignored indefinitely. Your children witness the behaviour of you and your husband each day and learn from it. One day, they will pattern their own relationships and lives on what they learned. Its the only reason I am so resolved about making mine work. And it is perhaps the most difficult undertaking I've had to date.

(Fixed spelling and some content)

[This message edited by SoldieringOn at 9:34 AM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

We have one child that we can never leave. He has a medical condition and cannot be left with a sitter for a night together. Do you think that a couple should put each other before their children? I do not mean that in a negative way. What I'm saying is that in my experience putting the children first has left very little time to keep our relationship strong. I have always put my children first and would likely feel selfish to do otherwise. Thank you for the support....it really matters.

We have a special-needs child also, and it has been difficult. I struggled with not feeling selfish at first, but I have come to understand that being creative is possible and it has benefitted our relationship and our son.

I have 8 children, 4 with significant special needs and one of those so complicated that I can count on one hand the people I can utilize for respite for this particular child. Our oldest is the star of his soccer team and has a real shot at getting a collegiate scholarship in the sport. Our second is huge into ballet. And that's just the start of the actiities I could list. In addition, until January, I homeschooled all of the school-aged children. I still homeschool all of the elementary aged children except for the previously mentioned complicated child.

And yet, I have had to FIND time for this marriage. I can tell you right now that for everything right AND wrong about how we have approached R, if we had not set aside time for US we would not be facing a year out from this mess. We would have D already.

I guess my question is do you want practical ideas for solutions on how to make time. Or, do you just want a 2x4 reminder that you MUST make time?

The answer is YES, you CAN make time for the relationship, or there simply won't be a relationship to make time for. You can also do that in a kid-centric household where you feel like you have no time.

For us, this meant dinner dates after feeding the kids and putting them to bed. It meant reducing activities to only the most vital ones for awhile (we kept soccer and ballet but dropped scouting and homeschool activities outside the home). It meant he came home for lunch every day at first. It meant we text, we email, we talk on the phone, we stop and touch each other when we pass. It means he quit going to be with the children. It meant we worked with the older toddler to go to bed without requiring him to cuddle her to sleep.

The point is that we stopped and made moments to connect and to be in relationship with each other. And yes, a BIG part how we made time was that he relieved me of a great deal of the burden of childcare I had carried for so long alone.