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I've looked at the 180 and didn't think it was right for my situation.

My WH really seems to be remorseful and is being "mostly" cooperative.

His major complaint with our marriage is that I didn't show him enough attention so I don't think showing him less would be a good plan.

He may just decide it's not worth the effort and ask for a D.

I don't want a D but I also don't want him to think this is going to be easy in any way.

Such an awful place to be. I hate this whole mess. Almost as much as I hate OW.

It may not be appropriate for you. However make sure you find a way to heal and get your needs met. Communicate your need to heal with your S and work together to find a way.

Until your WH's major complaint with your marriage is that it contained a cheater (him), be very careful.

There is a big difference between regret and guilt, and genuine remorse.

I'm not sure the 180 is right for every situation either, but I do know that it is not your job to "win him back." You are his wife, whom he betrayed. It is HIS job to win YOU back.

His major complaint with our marriage is that I didn't show him enough attention so I don't think showing him less would be a good plan.

Whoa! This would be exhibit A for the reason to implement a 180. By this line of reasoning, his A was your fault? Not hardly.

He's not de-fogged if he is not owning that HE is the ONLY reason HE had an A.

Sorry, hon, but that statement is classic blame-shifting. You need to clearly communicate to him that he owns the A, not you.

My FWH never showed me any attention, but that would not have been a justification for me to seek attention elsewhere since I was still bound by my vows to him. Why don't you ask him if he would be okay with you having an A if you felt neglected?

He may just decide it's not worth the effort and ask for a D.

If he doesn't think it is worth it to work on his issues to fix himself and the marriage, do you want to stay with him? Do you think you are worthy of no effort on his part?

((SusanR)). You are worth so much more than you are giving yourself credit for right now. Believe in yourself and trust that you are WORTHY OF LOVE.

(((more hugs to you)))

I agree with F2S

I believe there are three major steps to R:

1. Healing from the betrayal

2. Resolving pre-A marriage problems

3. Developing a shared vision of the future

I believe very strongly in separating #1 and #2.

Your d-day is very recent, so you need to stay focused on your healing. With everything that is going on in your mind, it is very difficult to see things clearly. Be patient with yourself. Don't feel obligated to change or fix anything right away. If your WH is remorseful, tell him you need his support to work through the emotional suffering right now. His "complaint" may or may not be valid, but what is important is that you need to heal.

Regarding his complaint about not enough attention. This is a pre-A issue. Remind him that no marriage is perfect and he took vows of fidelity. He had other, more constructive, choices he could of made, such as telling you there was a problem, seeking an IC/MC, or even divorcing. An affair is usually the most destructive choice a spouse can make. No matter how you treated him in the marriage, the choice to have an affair was his. You are in no way responsible for his actions. You're just his spouse, you have no control over what he does. Nobody has that much control over their spouse.

He may just decide it's not worth the effort and ask for a D.

That may be the case, but he didn't divorce you. He wanted you. If he wanted a divorce, it is more likely he would have left and he almost certainly would not be remorseful right now. You're a good woman and he knows it!

Remember, his affair had nothing to do with you. Why do you think he lied about it and tried to cover it up?

Such an awful place to be. I hate this whole mess.

It is awful; however, you will survive. It may take some time, but it will get better.

I agree with harden. And no, the 180 doesn't always work. I also got the "lack of attention" speech and I did the 180 over a span of 24 hours. It wasn't helpful for me to do it longer.

i think a lot of people see the 180 as a all powerfull cure.

got a case of infidelity, implement a course of 180 and hopefully things will come right.

IMHO this exhibits an underlying mis-understanding of what the 180 is for.

As i understand it the 180 is primarily about isolating yourself from your spouse so that their mind games, the mind fuck of having them waver back and forward on top of the fance is limited. It is about giving you the space you need to rebuild your own personal power, your own belief in yourself. Its primary goal is to make you strong enough to take the steps you need to take, regardless of the ultimate outcome of your M.

If your partner is not engaged in playing games with you, has commited themselves to the M then IMHO the 180 is not the right cure, in fact as you suggest it may well exacberate the symptoms. Your partner may not yet be ready to feel real remorse, but few WS's do from day one. If they were then they probably would never have had a A in the first place.

If your partner is denying the obvious, still seeing the OP, unable to commit to the M... then thats when you should instigate the 180. It is also helpfull once S&D is on the table to help you dissassociate yourself from the STBX.

It is important to remember that the 180 is NOT about winning your WS back... its about YOU. Yes sometimes a WS will see the new stronger, self assured you that the 180 has allowed the freedom to develop and realise that that is what they really want. but that is a side effect, a nice one to be sure, but its not guaranteed.

So there are plenty of occasions where the 180 is not appropriate, and, or where the negative side effects outweigh the positive benifits.

I recommended the 180 to you, but it wasn't as a cure-all.

SusanR, I've been reading your posts for a while and the thing that has always spoken to me in them is your sense that you are somehow less deserving than others because of your personal circumstances.

I believe in the 180, especially for you. Don't take on any more pain or blame than absolutely necessary. You do deserve happiness, and you don't have to settle for anything less than that.

I hope you will take some time to do at least part of the 180 so that you can focus on YOU and your pain instead of offering yourself as a sacrifice for your marriage.

I hear you f2s and I reread the 180 from that perspective. I do see where I can use it for my own self-esteem and to stop being the victim.

He was kind of in a funk last night and I tried to pull him out of it. I think he is in mourning for the loss of his A partner. But, I am resolved to act today like I could get along fine without him just fine.

Fake it 'til you make it.

Like you Susan I don't think the 180 is fully appropriate for me and if fully implemented could exacerbate the situation.

However when H was in a BIG funk on the weekend I did disengage - I conducted myself differently than usual - and it brought him around a bit. No magic pill but it didn;t feed into his funk.

So I have been using it in small ways - not calling or emailing other than in response to H.

I also noted something else after doing lots of soul searching. In thinking A LOT over the weekend I know that I take on too much with the kids in an effort to shield him so to speak from the challenges of teenagers.

But I wonder if that makes him feel overruled at times or perhaps excluded in a way - like his opinion doesn;t matter.

So I have been actively putting stuff onto him just the past few days - deep down I think I thought that shielding him would remove stress and therefore make him more likely to stay (I know, how f'ed up is that)

Last night he offered to take DD to college today so that I could wrok - he is self employed and it is easier for him to take time off - this was after a big blow up on the weekend around all of this.

In the past I would have said it's ok I'll take her. Last nioght I said that would be great and thank you.

And it felt good.

So 180- in some respects and forcing him back into things in others - even if we end up D he has to be engaged with his kids.

So today while he takes DD I will work - and also look up a yoga class to take!

Good for you, SusanR!

You not paying attention .... well that is the well duh moment of the year. he was giving his attention to someone else.

I strongly believe in the list and number one heal from the betrayl. Has he earned his way back into the marriage? Their is no marriage issue resolution until that is done.

You would in a backhanded way be saying that because of how you were it was OK to cheat.

What is he doing for you.

You sound like me. My ww is very careful to say the A is her burden without excuse, but if we are to have a M in the future it needs to be different because of x y and z, which she found unacceptable before. I can draw a line and say that the A is not because of xyz, but to have a happy M we need to fix xyz as well as deal with the A.

Of course I have been told our M may have been a mistake and she had feelings for om that she has never had for me.

I am doing this...

- letting her get her licks in on me, I defend what I think needs defended, but I can't tell her how she feels. If she doesn't love me the way she should, then I want someone who will in my life instead.

- I am separating my emotions from hers, which helps me and keeps our funks from feeding eachother.

- I am doing things for me on my own. I have friends, I call them more now and don't invite ww.

The 180 has it's good points, but for me I only took the items tha helped me seem less desperate and helped me gain some positive in my life. I love my ww and want to save my M, but I need to save me first or the M will die regardless.