Back then I knew in my heart that something was going on between them. The red flags were there. When I confronted him on it the first time he denied it. So I got a marriage counselor. He still denied an affair with her. He made me feel like I was sick and paranoid. The next time I confronted him I told him I needed him to stop and that he was hurting me. (At that time I had two young children with challenging physical problems and I was almost completely emotionally alone and neglected by him. He would stay at work, which had a hotel, at least twice a week because the drive home was about an hour and a half.) When I finally told him he was hurting me he just looked at me with indifference and apathy. I knew then that an affair must be true. I chose not to leave him because I could not risk that woman being a mother to MY children. A couple years later he was put into a position where he was forced to fire her. I thanked God, but for self-preservation reasons I had convinced myself that it had been a flirtation and few ONS's. I know that sounds niave but as long as I didn't have evidence and know "for sure" I could cope.
That was eight years ago. Since then our marriage recovered, I stopped wishing that he would die, and actually fell back in love with him. He became a Christian and has treated me like a queen in the years since she was let go. We have had a wonderful marriage for 8 yrs...until she called him in Jan.'10. We have recently moved to another state to go into a partnership in a business. I knew it wasn't the first time she contacted him, I was aware of at least two other times in the last 8yrs. Each time he told me, but this last one really got under my skin. She called him to tell him that she had become a believer too and also that she needed a job reference. I blew and told him that I don't call my "ex-lovers" to tell them that I am a Christian and her ploy for attention and affirmation sickened me. It was the first time he didn't deny that she had been his lover.
His full confession came about 3 weeks later. He confessed they began their "affair" in '98 and it ended in '02. FOUR YEARS is NOT an "affair", it is a relationship. Our relationship didn't even have FOUR YEARS before he began cheating!
I made him call her to tell her that he confessed to me and that she should NEVER call him again. I cannot describe the pain and shock of hearing them speak to one another in the same familiar and intimate tone that he talks to me. I was crushed, embarrassed, angry, and devistated to witness the man I thought I knew and had been married to for 18 years begin the conversation with a woman and just say "its me". After he told her he confessed and directed her not to ever contact him again I grabbed the phone to scream at her for taking part in destroying my family and leaving me in a suicidal fog during those years. Then I told her that people knew back then that she had her job because she was sleeping with the boss. When I said that, my husband looked at me like he was going to defend HER...as though I had crossed the line!!
I called her a few days later on my own to find out if he was telling me the truth about when it ended. She confirmed it, but then thought it important for me to know that she "didn't want to hurt me but she had been in love with him" and that he had told her he loved her too.
That was in Feb and since then he has had a nervous breakdown. Some of it I attribute to the fear that he detroyed our marriage and some of it due to a falling out he had with his business partners. During his mental breakdown he also confessed that he had been with two other women before OW back in '97. I think he is lying about when he really began the cheating. I was pregnant with my second child in '96 and he did not touch me in ANY physical way, including feeling the baby move, after my 3rd month. No sexual contact from a man who had claimed a man CANNOT physically go without sex for more than a few days?? Please!
So now that he is recovering from his mental breakdown, just started a new job, and his mental crisis is over, my mind cannot stop thinking about the betrayal. I know that he is different now, but I am obsessing over the thoughts of him making love to her for FOUR YEARS and then coming home to defile me and my bed. I also believe that there were many more ONSs that he hasn't confessed to. In our early years, even during his affair, he was deep into pornagraphy and often talked about us trying three-somes.
So now every memory, even the good moments during those years, is tainted with thoughts of his unfaithfulness, the lies, betrayal, the humiliation. I can't even look at pictures of my children from back then because it reminds me of how alone and abandoned I felt. I feel like I am going through it all over again, like a soldier who suffers from post-tramatic-stress-disorder. I can't eat, I often cant sleep without prescription pills, I cry alot, and I'm on a anti-depressant. My husband has let me vent and has told me that he is sorry and seems very remorseful. He told me that I was not filling his bucket back then. He says that he ended the affair because he loved me and our relationship had begun improving when we moved closer to his job. He says that when it was over it was over...no regrets, no withdrawl. He says that he ended it a couple months before he had to fire her. OW tells me she ended it because he wouldn't leave me. He tells me that I am the love of his life. He says she is on her second or third marriage since my him. He tells me that he has wanted to confess to me for years. Because he lied SO much in the past and continued to keep it from me, in effect continuing the lies...I don't know what to believe. Has he been holding cherished memories of her? How often has he thought about her when he's making love to me? He didn't turn her away when she called him so he must have been excited talking to her again. So...even though the relationship ended 8 yrs ago it is brought back into the here and now. He says it is the past for him...but as for me it's like reliving it all over again. I can't stop obsessing over it. Recently I tried spicing up the sex by initiating in a risky place. When we were done he made a comment about doing it in a place like that with me before. He got his memory mixed up because that was not with me. I have a hard time keeping focused during our love making too because I keep thinking about the things that he must have done with her...the things he must have whispered to her...the looks he must have given her...and then there is the others too...
My problem is that I have so much resentment, anger, and pain that I am having a hard time "getting over it". If I can't cope and get over this then I can't fill his bucket and I am afraid history will repeat itself...but I can't shut off the images! Plus this new job keeps him away from home alot again. He is handsome, charismatic, and a born leader. All things that women are drawn to. He says he'll never do that to me again, but I have read that ANYONE, given the right circumstances, will cheat.
Is my pain more intense now because I love him and have felt so loved by him in the last few years? I have a hard time reconciling the man he was with the man he is now. He looks like the same guy. He says a lot of the same things to me. If I could choose I'm not sure if I'd erase his memory or mine. I think I could have gone on peacefully the rest of my life without ever having known...but then he would never have had to suffer the consequenses for what he did.
Will this pain go away before I ruin my marriage? Will I have peace again?
Thx for letting me vent.
