SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello again guys.

The Sad Indian ( sadness goes down each day) is back in the warm comfort of SI again. I am right now in Europe and being busy has helped me keep my mind off the mess in my personal life.

Here is an as objective as possible description of whats been going on and the questions mixed with it.

1. My wife has been very distraught for the last 11 days since I have confronted her and can not stop crying. She keeps asking for a fresh start and forgiveness but for some reason I am finding it hard if she is genuinely sorry for the hurt she has caused or is she crying more coz of the humiliation and loss of what she thought was real, unbridled “love”. I am inclined to think that its genuine but I want to prevent myself from falling into the comfort zone of trust and be betrayed again.

2. As mentioned by you, there was indeed a PA going on between WW and OM. This hurts quite a bit as I was initially relieved to believe that some boundaries of decency were maintained.

3. My anger is going down each day and it does reassure me that my wife has been crying for the last 11 days ( longer than I have been crying) but then I become sceptical of the reasons for crying. She texts me that she misses me ( as I am travelling in Europe right now) and that makes me feel good. But that is also because she has no one else dependable to talk to ( that is true) who would not be judgmental and would be confidential.

Its a pretty shitty situation to be in as I am the one who should be comforted and instead I am the one who needs to be comfort my wife. If I am even slightly stern with her she goes into sort of convulsions of fear and then I have to take a step back and calm her down.

4. I have a whole set of questions about whether to think of R or D, but that I will post separately in the right category ( please advise which would be the best). But here are the questions I hope to have some guidance about from your vast experience:

a. For someone who is crying for 11 days, is she genuinely sorry ? I know its hard to answer this as you do not the person, yet whatever hints I can get from you would be helpful.....reality check required, even if its bad news.

b. Should I try to find more details ? She has been TTing me but I think I know enough to feel as pissed as I “need to” . Would trying to find more incidence/details serve a useful purpose or just bring me back to a difficult stage of anger and disbelief.

c. When I am with her....should I be comforting her or be “coldly supporting” ( I hope I can explain what I mean. Would being her friend in her hour of need ( lets forget my needs for the moment) make me valuable or someone who can again be taken for granted.

Thanks a lot again friends....whatever you feel would be useful for me to objectively deal with the situation would be supporting me towards further healing... I feel surprisingly healed in just 3 weeks but that has been actively detaching from my wife as someone I loved to someone who I am married to ( sort of implementing Hindu philosophy) .

I thank you again for your generosity...

A(fast recovering) SadIndian.

Welcome back averysadindian. I am sorry you are going through this time, but you are in a really good place to get some insight and some support.

I am going to answer as you asked the questions here:

1) When I first signed on here there was a lot of talk about trust betrayal and I learned that verifying that my trust wasn't being used against me was a very important step. So "Trust but verify" became an important part of rebuilding the relationship.

2) You didn't ask a question, but I do feel compelled to tell you that it is very common for there to be "more to the story" and that EA's are often PA's after the truth trickles out. I am sorry.

3) Right now is a particularly fragile time in your marriage. It would be nice to be comforted, but she has trickled out truths and is motivated by fear. What else has she done to assure you that the A is over? What are her actions besides crying and getting scared?

Being transparent, candid, open about everything is very important to you right now. You need that to begin to rebuild.

Which leads us to #4: It is way too early to make those decisions. Right now you can decide whether you will stay with her when there is an OM in the relationhip too. If she has gone NC, is going through withdrawal from the OM and begins to show that she has some empathy for the pain she has caused you, that is a good start, really.

a) Who knows if she is genuinely sorry. I see true remorse as someone trying to make it right, help you heal, etc. She is possibly in super guilt mode right now, but that is selfish too. Remorse may follow, only time will tell.

b) Finding out more is a very individual thing. Right now you may have what you need at the moment and need more later. It is how she responds to that need later is what will determine if you are making progress toward reconciliation.

c) Being cooly supportive is probably a much better route than even trying to comfort her. Ask her to allow you to heal with her. You are both hurting.

I also need to add that you may be making progress personally, but you also need to recognize that you are in the early stages of the grieving process (also known as the emotional rollercoaster) and this sense of detaching may be a high moment. Hopefully not, but we are human.

Peace,

bears

a. For someone who is crying for 11 days, is she genuinely sorry ? I know its hard to answer this as you do not the person, yet whatever hints I can get from you would be helpful.....reality check required, even if its bad news.

Someone that is genuinely remorseful (in my opinion) doesn't compound the pain they've caused by forcing their BS to nurture and comfort them. Genuine remorse should come in the form of..."I did this to you, I'm very sorry and what can I do to try to make this better and easier for you?"

It is understandable that she is crying, but she shouldn't be making you care for her at the expense of your own emtotions and healing.

b. Should I try to find more details ? She has been TTing me but I think I know enough to feel as pissed as I “need to” . Would trying to find more incidence/details serve a useful purpose or just bring me back to a difficult stage of anger and disbelief.

To me it was more important for my FWH to admit and give me truth than for me to have details. But when I KNEW he was lying and giving me TT I did dig so that I could confront and show him that I wasn't stupid... and that his gaslighting wouldn't work. My advice is if your gut is telling you that you are getting TT... dig and get the info you need to confront.

c. When I am with her....should I be comforting her or be “coldly supporting” ( I hope I can explain what I mean. Would being her friend in her hour of need ( lets forget my needs for the moment) make me valuable or someone who can again be taken for granted.

Your WW needs to see your value and cherish that in YOUR time of need. But for her actions you wouldn't be going through any of this. Personally, I did not sugarcoat my feelings and did not do very much in the way of comforting my FWH while I was hurting. He needed to see and feel the devastation he caused. My 'babying and coddling' him would have diminished his capacity to truly feel the impact of his choices. I don't think you should be cruel, but I think you should be upfront and honest with her. Tell her that you see that she's hurting and that you feel empathy for her because you love her but that right now your healing is your top priority and she needs to sort through the chaos she's created. 180!!!

You need to focus on you and allow her to deal with her emotions. Suggest IC for her.

Hello avsi,

a. For someone who is crying for 11 days, is she genuinely sorry ? I know its hard to answer this as you do not the person, yet whatever hints I can get from you would be helpful.....reality check required, even if its bad news.

Does she usually cry easily? If she reacts to things dramatically anyway, this may not be much of a sign. If she's usually more self-contained, I think it's at least a sign that she's upset. Part of what she's feeling right now may be fear about what could happen to her. But (maybe this is just me) I don't find that I cry much when I'm just scared.

More important than her crying is, what does she says when you talk? Do you see any signs that she's been thinking about why this happened? Has she said anything about what she needs to do on her own to make herself into the kind of person who won't cheat? Has she offered to get counseling with you? You said she's willing to cut off her social contacts--do you are does she have a plan to create healthy social structures for the two of you? It's very early days for you--neither of you may be thinking along these lines yet. But that is the sort of thing I saw when I knew my husband was really remorseful and willing to work on fixing things.

b. Should I try to find more details ? She has been TTing me but I think I know enough to feel as pissed as I “need to” . Would trying to find more incidence/details serve a useful purpose or just bring me back to a difficult stage of anger and disbelief.

This varies a lot from person to person. If you find that not knowing things is affecting how you think about and treat your WW, ask. If you doubt whether she is being transparent, ask. Asking at least gives her an opportunity to contribute to your healing, and if she is open and honest you will have some reassurance that she wants to help you.

c. When I am with her....should I be comforting her or be “coldly supporting” ( I hope I can explain what I mean. Would being her friend in her hour of need ( lets forget my needs for the moment) make me valuable or someone who can again be taken for granted.

I think finding a happy medium here is the secret to having a healthy marriage. At this point, you both need to learn to be mutually supportive. She needs to take responsibility for what she did and the pain it caused you; if you want to stay with her, you will find ways to help her do that. That *doesn't* mean that you absolve her of the need to make amends. I strongly recommend a therapist to work with the two of you on this; even though my FWH was entirely committed to R, we would not have made it without a good counselor. You really need someone to walk the two of you through a new way of communicating.

(((hugs)))

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am glad you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, that is important.

Your wife does not sound truly remorseful right now. She sounds like she is caught up in "victim" mode, where she is still wanting/needing all the attention, and trying to take the focus off of what she did and by having you comfort her. She wants you to tell her "Oh, it is okay, don't cry...."

Its a pretty shitty situation to be in as I am the one who should be comforted and instead I am the one who needs to be comfort my wife. If I am even slightly stern with her she goes into sort of convulsions of fear and then I have to take a step back and calm her down.

Yes. You are correct. She is being selfish, when this is the time she needs to be thinking about YOU! It is not all about her right now.....

She has done something wrong, and she does not want to be held accountable. She does not want to deal with the aftermath. And it is very telling that when you are even slightly stern, she freaks out. That is the same exact thing as when someone confronts a WS and they get terribly angry. What they are doing is distraction.

She is emotionally manipulating you right now.

If she has true remorse, she will answer all your questions truthfully. She will tell you how sorry she is when she is calm and you can see she means it. (Not while she is having hysterics or endless tears....that comes more from feeling sorry for herself.) She will do whatever it takes to make this up to you. If you need all her phone records, emails; if you need to know her whereabouts 24/7, if you need her to hold you, give you space, hug and comfort you; whatever you personally need, she should be doing to make this up to you.

I'm sorry, but she still sounds terribly self-centered here, which is the attitude that allowed her to have the affair in the first place. She isn't quite "getting it" just yet.

As far as posting questions about whether to R or D, posting in General is a good place. If you post in R, you will probably get more people who will show the positives of R. If you post in D, you will get more people who show the positives of D. So try to post in General or even here in JFO for that question.

And, should you find more details? That is a personal question. Do you want more details? Can you handle hearing more? I am sure there is more....if she has been TT'ing, that is almost a guarantee that there is more. But it is a decision everyone needs to make for themselves. You may want to post a separate topic on "Should I ask for more details?" and you will get other people's experience and the why's of whether they decided to ask for more details or not.

(((averysadindian)))

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:56 AM, September 6th (Monday)]

Cake eaters never want to leave their spouse.They were in the A for the thrill, excitiment, boredom in their marriage, etc.Cake eaters are IMO sincere about their regret and are truly sorry. As it is early and if you want to stay in your marriage I think you may want to convey to her that there IS hope and this CAN BE trancended with HER HELP. However, there should be no doubt who exactly is the victim here. Find out how committed she may be to rebuilding the marriage, insist upon full transparency and enforce it. You may want to cry with her, let her know you think this can be trancended IF she is willing to do the hard work to repair you and restore trust.Aside from that, you have every right to grieve. But, she really needs to know there is hope for the future together for her to make the positive steps towrds rebuilding.

[This message edited by moreroses at 7:14 AM, September 6th (Monday)]

Sadindian,

In ordinary circumstances, I would tend to agree with the other posters above, but I do not feel that this is an ordinary situation.

Crying for 11 days straight is not normal, IMO. It is not healthy. I am concerned about her health. There is no way to judge her true level of remorse if she is hysterical. Could you contact her doctor and just tell him that your wife is having a personal crisis, and is in need of something to help calm her down?

Maybe he would call in a RX for a mild tranquilizer? I tend to err on the side of caution in these type situations. My 20 yr old son jumped in front of a car 4 months ago in a suicide attempt, so I am particularly sensitive to the possibility of self harm in highly emotional circumstances.

I'm sure your wife is suffering more than usual b/c she has no one to talk to, due to, as you say, the extreme consequences of female adultery in Indian society.

At this point, there is no way to judge true remorse until she is calmed down enough to be able to be the one to comfort you.

I am sending you a private message.

How did you establish that it was PA. You do not have to answer though. Wishing you happiness

Given that you are away in

Europe ... how do you KNOW that she has "been crying for 11 days"?