SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Greetings all! Coming out of 2 weeks of madness. Was in denial and gave wife benefit of the doubt 3 x in the past ten years. Circumstantial. We were separated because of military and to make a long story short. She was here visiting and two days before going back, she left email open. I was going to close it but saw the photos folder. So I looked through and to my horror saw five photos of this guy. She was with him in two and I know her so well (being married twenty years) I could tell by the look on her face she was "with" this guy. Well a month later, my teenage son and I were going for a ride and told me he had a bad dream. I said "I hate that". We got side tracked but for some reason a couple of hours later I made a comment about people probably cheating on their spouse while looking at a couple fight. My son said "oh yeah that's what my dream was about". I said eww really and he said "yeah I dreamed mom was cheating on you with this guy" I said "Oh that sucks.....did you know who the guy was in the dream" and he said yeah. Well I got to thinking and said I want to show you something when we get home. When we got home, I pulled a webcam picture of this douchebag up and minimized it, then called him into the room. I said do you remember the guy in the dream, he said yeah. Then I maximized it and said did he look like this. And the look on my son's face told me all was not well. He said yeah that's the guy. When questioned earlier before my wife went back, she said this guy was jack and a loser etc in school and when I later showed my son I said this is jack and he said " the hell it is that's brian". Well then there was too much fact in order for me to conveniently brush it off as coincidence. Two days later in the morning my son told me he had caught his mother in his bedroom on a saturday morning 3 years ago. And she made him not tell me. He was sickly manipulated by her. Utter disbelief. Sorry I can't finish now

I'm so sorry and just angry that she would do that to your son! It takes cruel and selfish to a whole new level.

We're here when you're ready to reach out more.

((((contaminated))))

I am so sorry, I don't even know what to say.

So sorry for you. I found out 2 weeks ago too. Take your time finding your way around here. Do lots of reading.

Oh, how awful...for both you and your son! Take a deep breath, tell as much or as little as you need to--we'll be here listening regardless!

Very sorry you're in this situation, but glad you found us... you will get tons of support here, and (when you're ready for it) help with a plan to confront her and move forward.

I am so sorry. The anguish and guilt your son must have felt. It turns my stomach.

That is really horrible. I'm sorry you are here, but glad that you will get the support you need to get through this. Keep posting. Read in the Healing Library in the yellow box to the left.

(((contaminated))) I'm so sorry.

And (((son))) How terrible for him.

Oh, I am so very sorry. I'm actually angrier about her involving your son in this than I am about the cheating itself! How horrible.

I'm sorry my boys are around and it's just so messed up that I am on this website actually writing this. When my son told me that, then my other son (1 year older) tells me "3 years ago (5 months before the younger one caught her)I read a text on moms phone telling him or her that they loved each other. I didn't go nuts like my brother and didn't confront but she knew I saw it and tried to cover it up. I lost all respect for her and that has a lot to do with why I don't really like her. I felt even more horrible that my dear boys had to carry this shit around for 3 years and explained why they didn't respect her the way they should have. I even use to correct them to respect her and couldn't figure out what the impetus was for the behavior. OMG was I blown away. Never in a million years was this to happen to my family.

ugh, your poor sons. You and they have every right to be angry. That being said, remind them that this is between you and your wife and that she will always be their mother. You were right to correct their disrespect in the past. Take care of yourself and your children for now.

I know, it's just unbelievable what horrors people are capable of, and to think, these are the people that we trusted with our hearts. Makes me wonder what kind of fool I am.

You would think that after being here for 6 years and seeing almost 24000 people come after me that I wouldn't be quite as affected by these stories as I am.

It never ceases to astound me the stories told here. The agonizing way in which people find out.

I am very sorry you’re here, contaminated, and sad that your boys have made pawns in this. It’s despicable, beyond measure.

Gird yourself. It’s going to be rough ride.

Mostly…take care of yourself…so you can take care of your sons.

Stick around and post often. You’ll find the best people on earth here!

I am so sorry for the pain you and your boys are feeling. I am also a betrayed spouse of a deployed soldier, and it makes things both harder and easier to have them "gone" on deployments.

Contaminated,

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join. Allow me to direct your attention to the yellow box up on the left. There is a wealth of information up there in the Healing Library that you're going to want to read through. Trust me it was written by those who have been there and done that and gotten the shitty T-shirt so peruse it carefully.

The main thing now is to take care of you first. For a while your emotions are going to be all over the place. That's normal. Exercise, eat right (even when you don't wanna) focus on taking good care of you so you can take care of your boys.

Start collecting information. RESIST the temptation to get it from your kids. I know that'll be hard but they really don't need to be in the middle of this. It's better to have concrete evidence in hand before you confront. DO NOT give up your sources, that just makes her aware of what or whom she has to hide from. You can put a key-logger on your computer to find her email accounts and passwords, your cell phone provider will have call and text records. Hit them up on the web and print them out.

The hard thing to do is call a lawyer for a consult. Find out what your rights and responsibilities are if she decides to run off or if you decide you don't want her anymore. You don't have to make any decisions now but it's best to be prepared.

On that not check out SerJR's Tactical Primer at this link:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

See also these posts by SerJR:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=348059

I know the shock of this can be a lot to take in early on. It helps to have a plan and a goal to focus on, keep it simple and short term for now. Modify as needed. Do NOT let her place the blame for this on you or guilt you into thinking it is in any way your fault. You were in the same marriage she was and you didn't cheat so she has no alibi on that score. This was her choice. What happens next is in large part up to you.

REMEMBER, take good care of you so you can take good care of those boys of yours. They're going to need one stable parent in the trials to come.

I wish you love and luck, Bro

C=64

Welcome cont, sorry you had be here. She is a horrible person to put your children in that situation. Listen to the guys posting above about getting ready to gird up and gather information. Also there is a thread in the I Can Relate forum regard Military Deployments that may contain some useful information/stories, but please keep posting here. Lots of us here to help you back up man.

Sc

EditToAdd: By the way the best parts of the Healing Library IMO are the BS FAQ and Articles section.

[This message edited by socold at 10:52 PM, August 24th (Tuesday)]

(((contaminated)))

I'm so sorry. You've gotten some solid advice already from some awesome posters. Be strong. It is a rough road no matter the path you take.

I feel so badly for your boys. What a burden your WW dumped onto their young hearts. What a despicable thing to do to!

Please try to encourage your boys to get some counseling. What a mind-f*ck they've been through!

All, Thanks for the great responses above. I was a mess for four days after, but since I'm glad to report, happen to report I've already taken most of the advice to heart. I've lost 17lbs. exercising, see therapist for 3rd time tomorrow, getting treated for depression and ADD, waiting for her to come back to go to MC before I end it or stay. There is great ugliness in this. My boys are old enough to have had to tell me what they knew but know they were jacked over by a sick person. They will need some form of counseling but really are relieved I know now and that they don't have to carry this shit around anymore. I told them it's between me and her now so they don't have to be in it anymore. First I take care of me and get right again. I'm no good to them being a neurotic psycho. As for her, well she is in personal world of shit and is contaminated as well. Life will never be the same. (not a bad thing) She has ultimatum, get right in the head, and we either have a marriage we never dreamed of, the one I(we) always wanted, or it's divorce. There are alot of balls in her court. I can only deal with the ones in mine.

contaminated--I'm so sorry you're here. How awful.

Do PLEASE get your sons into counseling. Being forced to hide a parent's infidelity is, for a kid, a trauma equivalent to incest. They have got to talk to a professional. Don't put it off, even with all the shock you're dealing with. They've been through enough.

Yes, they are going to go. The bright side is the relief they are experiencing. I felt worse for them then myself. It is a very perverse situation. Wife has always had deep issues and was too affectionate with the younger one who caught her the last 3 years. I even commented that the degree of affection to the middle one (daughter is youngest) was not healthy. I was even jealous and had said before "jesus what do I have to do to get that type of attention and affection". Don't know if this will work out. I have issues too. But god nothing compared to how dysfunctional she has been and is. Don't know if she is capable of dealing with the dysfunctionality in her head. But it's shape up or ship the hell out. I'm getting my house in order.