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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Allgood - Vacation was good...I talked myself out of the black hole more than once. It was difficult being with H 24/7 for 10 days. Saturday, we did not speak one word to each other. I walked the beach everyday by myself to clear my head. It was hard watching other couples walking on the beach, hugging, holding hands, kissing. I think I need to accept that this is about as good as it will ever get.

H's health has improved and he's better. He won't even talk about his health. I asked him what he was feeling about the cancer diagnosis and he said he didn't dwell on it. That was it!!!

He did tell a friend of mine that he put his pecker somewhere it shouldn't have been and this was his punishment.

I missed the tribe!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your support. You are my lifeline.

I am living crazy now.

Finally saw IC today. I related everything that WH and I discussed this week and she said he was illogical, and I wasn't wrong to feel the way I was feeling.

I tried so hard this week to not engage with WH. He kept bringing up things like selling our house overseas to buy 2 larger houses (and who are they for????)

We go out on his cousin's boat and when we get back to his aunt's house, he disappears and he's calling OW. NOT even one day he can give to US.

Then he makes a remark today that it's MY fault he hasn't been back for 3 months. He is working so hard, and I don't care. I am so selfish. He is just sending me money so I can spend it. It's MY FAULT because I don't want to go overseas.

But, he puts it forth so logically, puts such spins on it, I get dizzy.

I really want NC right now. BUT I'm scared. That ups the ante and WH will be worse.

Please pray for me.

{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - last post til tomorrow:

Fun:

It was hard watching other couples walking on the beach, hugging, holding hands, kissing. I think I need to accept that this is about as good as it will ever get

Totally relate to this. It is very sad. It's what makes me want to bail on this marriage and start over. It really is. HOWEVER, I've recently decided that I am going to try to get there and be patient. I am thinking/hoping 5 years from now I/we could be that couple...
It's so hard to see it now - we went to dinner last night - with the kids - so there wasn't much opportunity for talking outside of correcting our kids' multiple disgusting dining habits, but I did think - this is sad - we have nothing to say to each other... Baby steps. I am not giving up on being that couple - that's just too sad.
So - the cancer diagnosis - I'm confused - does he have to go through chemo, etc. or do they think they got it all when he had the surgery?

Honest: do you really think your H would cut the kids off financially just to punish you? I really don't know. Some men would. Some would never dream of such a thing.
I also think you MUST DO SOMETHING to help yourself NOW! Please decide on a course of action so that the next time he comes back it is perfectly clear that there is no relationship. I can't even imagine having to go out on a boat and do family functions like this. Unbelievable - see how strong you are? You CAN DO THIS! You have to take that leap of faith.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: THANK YOU!!

You really helped me to see a new perspective.

I have been doing family functions, acting in front of the kids, etc etc.

Yes, maybe I can do this. I have to get the finances in order somehow, someway.

Will he cut us off? I really don't know.

This is why my gut was afraid to up the ante. Not to rock the boat until I was ready.

But, I have been drowning in my own sorrow and emotions. Being driven crazy.

I have to continue with my baby steps.

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome back fun, ukgirl and strong..

odd you all had somewhat decent trips...moments here and there, but decent...and stong for you this is huge, you are still such a newbie..

we are all doing the best we can with what we've got...we are all being copletely proactive in our own recovery,,...so yay tribe...lurkers...you too...coming here and reading is doing something


strong: i love that you are using that scenario to give yourself some objectivity in what transpires with your ws....

fun: i like that your ws thinks he was punished for illegal pecker use.. ...

and just because he doesn't want to talk about it doesnt mean that you don't talk about it...be assertive woman, if you've got something on your mind or a question....use your big girl voice and give it to him...you are allowed to ask and to talk...and too bad if he don't like it, and you could tell him that he is lucky that you ARE there willing to talk to him so he needs to button it to listen and open it to speak....


allgood: sometimes we all run out of things to talk about or more then likely we get fearful of small talk because our minds are not on the small talk but the big talk we may not necessarily want to have....

do you remember ever being a kid and got in trouble and knew just knew that your parents were going to drone on endlessly with the lecture...as much as we needed to hear it, we hated every second of it, and not til much much later on in life did we come to appreciate most of them...some of them i will still tell you were useless....i also remember not only how much i hated them, but resented them and i also confess that after the 2nd sentence i tuned the rest out...i knew what they would say and i really just didn't want to hear it again and again so i decided not to....

now i could be wrong but i am feelin that most of our ws's , if not all of them feel this way...

and we on the other side NEED TO BE HEARD, WANT TO BE HEARD....so try to put yourself in those mucky shoes and figure out how best to get heard by someone who doesn't want to listen...then go for it...


honest: i love that you are posting...keep posting...use it as a journal, we are a living journal complete with commentary on the sidelines...

the bottom line dear heart is that he is a total idiot, a hateful cruel idiot....when he starts to speak, if it doesn't pertain to money, walk away and stop engaging with the man...even if you have to fake the hershey squirts to do it...and for god sakes don't waste anymore breath on answering him, he is not listening and he never will...have a few choice sarcastic phrases handy and deliver each as is necessary...such as:

"if you say so"

"whateva"

"o.k."

and my personal favorite:

"i cannot decide if you have the mental capacity of a gnat or an ameoba, or maybe even a parasite"..and if you could produce a really hearty laugh after saying this one, you will be my hero....


(((honest)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and let it be: i am glad you came back in and checked it...

how is your sich going?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Figured I'd post this to show his ultimate gall:
First WH says he wants to buy me an I4 phone like he has so he can talk to me via "video" when he's overseas.

Goes on to explain that when he comes here, he will use it. I say what about your other phone? He says he'll use it to talk to his other kids. I told him I did not being given a phone that he will use to talk to them.

He gets all angry......buys it for himself anyway, says it was for us to "share".

I am unreasonable...Am I going to complain that he is using the house phone to call them?

Hardly speaks to me all night.

Just now, as he is going to bed, he says, (very seriously mind you)
"Are you going to make love to me?"

I really have to step back and look at him as objectively as possible.

Of course the whole world thinks he's wonderful!!!

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way Honest - it's a good idea to keep a journal regarding finances alone. For example - he just bought this Iphone (& jot down the explanation for it too just in case you forget cuz that's priceless).
Anyway - should there be any nonsense with the finances - sometimes it's helpful to produce a record of every luxury item he's bought, for him, OC, your kids, whatever, as well as any statements he may make regarding finances such as his suggestion to buy 2 more houses or larger houses overseas, etc. Make sure you date each entry. This way when the shit hits the fan & you are in no condition to produce a history of your family finances - there it is.
And, please use the people you know IRL who are divorcing or have been divorced as examples -they are all still alive - no one's starving. Sometimes it's a bit bumpy in the beginning until the finances are in order - but everyone gets fed, everyone still has a roof over their heads, etc.
You will be ok. (you will be better than ok because when he starts to act "worse" - which is really hard to imagine- you will have NO REGRETS).

Miracle: thanks for the insight & the laughs.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:43 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle --

very gently, do not bank on that just yet...it takes more then a weekend, a month or even several months of him behaving his way til he gets there...reserve your judgement on this one...

So true. I learned this the hard way the last time I thought he was starting to get it, didn't I?

Honest, that I4 story is priceless. I especially like when he asked for sex. I probably would have looked at him like an alien and said "what are you, INSANE?"

I am going to be nosy/preachy but I think you should get a job when he leaves. Something during school hours and don't even tell your kids. Hide all the $. I know jobs aren't the easiest thing to come by right now, especially part time ones, but I'd look around.

I'm glad the vacation went well, nofun.

Now -- 2X4 for those of you who are telling yourselves the marriage is as good as its going to get and you're still not pleased -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELVES?

I know some of you are in your 50's -- but I can say I have two different aunts in their 50's who have found new, wonderful partners (neither got married again either! One lives a few houses down from her partner and they've been together about 8 years now but he's got 7(!) kids and she just can't deal with that 24/7. She was divorced. My other aunt is a widow and met a wonderful man who she now lives with about 1 1/2 years after her husband died. She's MUCH happier in this relationship than she was in her marriage, though her marriage was not unhappy. but think about it -- they know (as would you) a lot more about what they like, don't like, red flags, they can find someone more compatible for the ways they've grown and changed. Point is -- YOU'RE unhappy. You've given it all. You've earned your way out of your M to this selfish jerk (which is what every unremorseful WS is and they're unremorseful if they don't do EVERYTHING to help you heal and regain your trust. They better stand on their head and sing the ABC's backwards every AM if that's what you want!)

Anyway 2X4 over.

((tribe))


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - my sister tells me all the time that there are wonderful men out there that would love a wonderful woman. That I should be thinking of myself and my happiness. Maybe I'm not ready yet. Maybe I'm just afraid of the unknown.

Honest - Is there anyway you can ask for money? When he leaves, tell him something in the house needs fixing, then put it away. Or while he's home, pick his pockets? Stash, stash, stash... It's all about getting those ducks in a row right now.

Allgood - they said they got all of the cancer so no chemo but there is an 80% chance it will come back and if it comes back it comes quick so he has to be watched closely. They have to put a camera up his penis every three months and if they find nothing they will taper off and hopefully it will end up being once a year. I am feeling guilty right now because I'm laughing after reading this. God forgive me!!!

Iwant - you are right, I need to be more assertive. It's just not my nature so it's hard. H went to IC this morning. I always ask how it goes and sometimes it starts a dialouge.

Hugs to everyone


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest… I see it very clearly… You have two major things happening in your life.. FEAR in yourself and LOSS of someone you love.
Right now, WH is paying all household expenses/ child support/maintenance.
This fear I am sure is not uncommon. Can’t you see that your H is controlling you? Until you ACT, you will continue to be controlled. You can overcome this fear…. It’s going to take you to act.. So make this is your new goal….

INDEPENDENCE = Happiness

We can all write about what a dip shit your H is and you can think about all that too everyday… he is all that! but, that is not going to make you happy. This is war now… You are going to get what is yours in your now DEAD marriage. Do not be afraid to seek help in your complicated international situation. Do it wisely and calmly… What you need to do right now is to plan a sneak attack… prowl like a cougar cat. Why? Because the day is coming where you are going to pounce on the SOB with calm strategic, choke holding vice around his greedy ass… You are going to “out fox” him… half of everything he’s got is yours… Half those houses… half his cash… half of everything… That is your target..

I cannot remember if you have a job but now is the time to start looking for a full time job. Get your resume together… Start assessing what you like to do… start telling friends and family you want to work… You must find a job. Then, you must look very hard at every expense… scrutinize every expenditure. Once you start the process, everyday, you will chip away at the cliff you now look up at…It may be a new home, new area of town… but you will achieve success…

Let me tell you what will happen once you become independent… your mind is going to release chemicals that give you huge tense feeling unwind… knots in your stomach will ease… New people will come into your life and also new relationships will enter your life. Interesting new things will begin to happy that will stimulate your mind. Each time you begin a new relationship, an old one must go. We has humans only are capable of having about 40 relationships. You will begin to feeling safe again. The sense of accomplishment will overwhelm you… strength will come to your soul… It is amazing how often once you start to achieve a happiness how the good luck and good fortunes then become larger and larger…

Now… go make is so… only you can do this for yourself….

I once read Dr. Phil’s book Real Life.. preparing for the 7 most challenging Days of your life…

#1 The Day your Heart is shatterd
#2 The day you realize you have lived you life as a Sellout
#3 The day you realize you are in way over your head
#4 The day the Body breaks Down
#5 The Day the mind breaks down
#6 The Day Addiction Takes over
#7 The Day you have lost your purpose and have no Answers to the question “why”

Once you discover a LTA… many of these the Dr. talks about come into play… It is part of life… it is up to US to pull ourselves up, hold our heads high.. and achieve your own success without depending on any one else to make us happy.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and just because he doesn't want to talk about it doesnt mean that you don't talk about it...be assertive
woman, if you've got something on your mind or a question....use your big girl voice and give it to him...you are allowed to ask and to talk...and too bad if he don't like it, and you could tell him that he is lucky that you ARE there willing to talk to him

Miracle, it's as if you are my guardian angel and know exactly what to say to give me strength!

This past week has been very interesting. WH has been gone for the past 12 days. We were in a bad place before he left and I was grateful that he was leaving. I needed the break. One week ago I wrote a long e-mail that basically said he was just lucky that I was "generous" and had not kicked him out, etc. He didn't want to talk to me for a few days...no problem for me. Like I said, it was a nice break from the drama. Went to see DD and had a fun weekend, if a little bittersweet.

But WH comes home today. Our conversation yesterday was very superficial but he specifically asked if we could talk tonight. He asked! I love that part! But I'm not getting my hopes up that the fog has lifted. I've thought that before and been disappointed the next day when he's come up with some other reason why I'm to blame.

My IC/MC and I talked last week that it sounds like he thinks he's a victim in this too! Poor baby! The injustice of this situation makes me so angry but that's better than the puddle of depression and sadness that I've been in for the past 2 mos. Is that progress? Is anger the next stage? I feel stronger with the anger so I'm sticking with that for now.

Writing and reading all the posts are such a help to me. Thanks Tribe for taking the time to help out us newbies.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They have to put a camera up his penis every three months and if they find nothing they will taper off and hopefully it will end up being once a year.

shudder
ummmm, errrr, wow just wow

Do not think I could ever look at li'l Ats the same again after a camera went UP him Nofun, at least you now can believe in the karma bus.

honesttoafault,

"Are you going to make love to me?"

ETA whoops, some of that prematute submittal

, he is always so "self-sufficient" in other areas of his life, he can't err "handle" this area too?

honestly honest, he is just clueless. Is this a cultural thing or a personal failing?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:25 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: i love that they will insert something in his pecker on a regular basis...it really is karma....more then that it is a huge wake up call that i think he is answering...

you still need to do what you gotta do, it is like he keeps hitting snooze on the alarm clock...and as much as it sucks you need to be the one to nudge him awake, and at times, throw some ice water in his face so to speak...


allgood: keep giving that wise wise advice to honest...especially since it is coming from knowing...

and honest i am with everyone else in getting a job...i think though it needs to be off the books, so you do not have to account for any of it...and then hide it well, really well in a fire safety box...allgood correct me if i am wrong but if she puts any of it into a back acct, it will have to be declared later...

and the most important thing you need to do, more important than making some extra monies...is get your masters...so you could teach and make a living...right now getting a job is close to impossible so get the education while your ws will pay for it...take advantage of every opportunity you make....and you must make some of your opportunities...we all do...

and keep posting, you are doing wonderful...


strong: you need to 180 that man even when he wants to talk: you listen, you answer as succintly as possible and then you walk away having heard him but not giving into anything until he starts walking the walk...its is one thing to talk the talk and quite another to walk the walk...and your ws really needs some good walking shoes....can't walk well if you don't have the equipment...kwim


tryn: i think i could love you, a man who reads dr phil....you are at the very least becomming my hero....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What about a safe deposit box? Only the owner of the box can take what's in it, right?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only have a minute.

Thank you so much Tryn. I needed your pep talk.

Allgood, I have to work on finances, and it is a positive, "do-able", important suggestion. thank you.

Thank you all, I want to address it all more later.

Question, Allgood, people keep telling me that if I get a job now, WH will have to pay less????

Nofun; OMG!!! Karma bus big time!!!!

You need to post that in general!!

Every single male WS needs to have this done.....like a security cam, better than a VAR!!! LOL

I'm sorry, Nofun, I don't mean to make fun of your WH's sickness....... In reality, I am praying for the both of you. Forgive me, but couldn't help it.

{{{{{Tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest: pm for you!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummmm....... where is everyone today?

And btw - Dip - what's the story with you and Mrs. Dip - not so long ago you were all "It's over", then you didn't make mention of it again.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I think I have a sick sense of humor because I laugh over this kind of stuff. I think it's my way of dealing, but you made me laugh and I love to laugh...so thank you. I remember when my sister's baby was born with a rare birth defect. He is severely handicapped (he's 17 now) and I love him to death. My sister and I used to laugh "with him" and kid about his defects. Inside we were crying but the laughing and giggling felt so good. I don't know if that makes sense....I love my nephew so deeply.

I started my positive journal. Well today, I went back and read a few paragraphs...it wasn't much because my H doesn't show much emotion...but it lifted me up a bit. I actually saw some improvement in my H's actions just by reading back over my journal. Just wanted to add that.

God...it really is a roller coaster though. One minute we are good and the next we are in the dumps.

I'm praying for all of us....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and they're unremorseful if they don't do EVERYTHING to help you heal and regain your trust. They better stand on their head and sing the ABC's backwards every AM if that's what you want!

ouch!

m334455, that is close to home for me. I like to think I am not settling, but working through a process with FWW, but... ouch

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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