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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS- Can SO relate to you on the nightmare front (though sorry to Tryn, but he's not been in my dreams) All joking aside, in the last 8 weeks since I basically had another dday (not new behavior but more disclosure of past infidelities) I have not slept well at all. And I've had many nightmares. Night before last I dreamt I caught FWH in an emotional affair while we were out together at a hotel. I packed my bags, got a separate hotel room and planned and screamed to him that I was divorcing him. The thing is- this infidelity stuff is like PTSD. RIght now I'm reading a book (Christian theme somewhat) called Post Infidelity STress Disorder. It compares what we go through to PTSD, and the whole sleepless nights and recurring nightmares are part of it. Lucky us, huh? In my dream I think I feel empowered divorcing my H because truth be told that is what I wanted to do after dday2, but (getting spiritual here) heard from someone greater than myself to stay- and to be patient- and to turn my H over.

Anyway, I bet the rest of the tribe can tell some pretty big stories about nightmares, too. You're not alone, man. This stuff sucks, but you're not alone.

Honest- Our FWH's are *experts* at what I call blame-shifting and crazy making. Seriously, this is why it is great that you have SI or other accountability partners to run things by. I think your WS is fearful and trying to control you by reversing things on you. I'm very, very familiar with all of that. And yes, they sound "logical" but when you really start to look at their 'logic" ---often it stinks like bad trash. Just keep on posting, friend, and believe in yourself.

((((Tribe))) Hope you all are having a great weekend.

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hb)))

and is it possible that these new disclosures are your ws opening up to you giving you everything he has, to live in total truth...or did you find out these things on your own...

we are here for you...(((hb)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all. I'm going to try to stay off SI til this evening and enjoy the little ones... cuz they grow up so fast.

I'm wishing everyone peace & happiness today.

And, Honest - where are you?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoood...
It's a beautiful day!Enjoy those little ones ! Focus on the positives in your life!
I am going to try to do the same.

I agree... am a bit concerned that Honest has not checked in...hope all is well with her...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'morning Tribe, well actually noon.

Yesterday got a little tense around the Atsenaotie household. After my trigger at the game, FWW went online to SI to check up on me. She saw my post about ordering the book on BPD. She was not happy, she does not like being labelled. When I got home yesterday morning form errands she was crying and reading about BPD in the DSM IV. She got mad at me, but mostly depressed. We went out last night and had a good time.

Old_dipstick, can you smell my smoker? We have honey-maple turkey and chipolte rubbed pork cooking today.

Have a good weekend all.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood- I agree with you on that. I keep reminding myself that time with our little ones goes by fast. My oldest DD is already 10, and the years just keep flying by. I especially feel guilty having to work but I try my best to balance my own recovery/healing, work & the kids. Enough to drive us batty, huh?

ATS-Sorry it's so tense in your house right now. I can smell the bbque---yummy! I hope the rest of the weekend is peaceful in your house.

IWAM- Yes, my H didn't want to live with the lies/omissions anymore and came clean without any prompting. But it still set me back to zero on the trust scale and in full speed for trauma and all of the dday "stuff" we go through. Just waiting and watching him--as he goes through his 12 step program I am starting to see changes. But time will tell if they are real or not.......In the meantime, I'm on the typical roller coaster- fine one minute, then pissed off or depressed the next. I seriously hope this is the LAST time my clock gets reset- I know it will be the last time as a married person, but even at that I just don't want to go through it again. Thanks for the encouragement I am lucky to have a great COSA group IRL and through my church in addition to all the great folks here on SI!

Hope the rest of the Tribe is doing well.....enjoying the weekend.

Hugs to all,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: its ok that she wasn't happy, no one is ever happy having to face who we are when who we are is not so perfect, or worse someone who is having issues...the fact that the 2 of you talked afterwards and then managed to put is away to have an enjoyable evening is well.. fabulous


hb: i know this sounds really sick, but i envy you with that truth being spoken....it is such a positive thing...and the really sick sick part...he trusts you enough to show you who he really was....that is HUGE....and its really good for you if you had any questions that had not been answered....to me getting the pieces of the puzzle together is key to moving on...it helps you not dwell in the past...and as far as hoping that this is truly the last of it... amen sister to that one...it really is devastating to keep reliving it again and again...but for some reason it is still freeing i would think.....so kudos to mr hb and to you for holding it together...

and its wonderful that your irl support is there and accounted for ...having someone irl helps tremedously, let alone many someones....

hey honest we are thinkin bout ya...


hope everyone had a good day, it was beautiful here in new york today...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't thank everyone enough for your support.

I should have taken notes, am having trouble focusing.

NJgal: You can talk anyway you want!! I am a native "New Yawker" and can take it.

Allgood: thank you. You and NJgal getting angry for me and even at me was great and what I needed.

I needed reality checks and hugs

Miracle, thank you for checking in
and laura and hb. You all gave wonderful support and advice.

I might be leaning on you guys while WH is here.

I guess now I really need a big 2 x 4 from Tryin!!

ats: I wish I knew how to do that quote thingy right, because I wanted to do that for your whole post to me.

You really nailed it. That was my feelings. Believe it or not, I was going to settle for that until my ducks were in a row.

But it seemed I wasn't even getting crumbs...

But, Ats, you were so right, about WH's perception. I AM supposed to act lovingly!!!

But you know what, Ats? You said a wonderful thing that really brought me to the reality. It has woken me up a great deal.....

You said you wanted to help, and, "What do you need?"

OMG! That woke me up.

I had a meltdown yesterday and reread that today.

That is exactly what WH should be saying to me and offering me.

I am not trying to engage with him or asking for anything from him, BUT he'll bring up some stupid triggery subject he wants to discuss like the fact that he is thinking of selling our house overseas to buy a larger one for investment or still discussing DS's going over there for a visit, etc. etc.

I know a lot of these things need to be discussed, but somehow, I don't feel they are really being discussed. WH acts like he wants my input/opinion, but I feel in reality it really doesn't matter. If I disagree, I feel like I'm going in circles.

These are financial things we are discussing.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

I feel like I'm being defeated.

He thinks he is such a good guy because he bought me a new laptop. I never had one of my own, just hand-me-down computers. The home computer has died long ago. and of course he says that now I can do any work he might need in the comfort of the living room!!! Isn't he nice?

I want to give hugs to everyone.

I am trying my best to stay sane right now, just surviving.

Thank you all for your support and be patient with me if I'm asking for more.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest..so glad that you checked in with us...
keep us posted as to what is going on and... if you need any advice or support from us!
Sending you long distance hugs!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: i can read so much pain....too much pain...but i have to tell you i read something else and it makes me happy for you....and sad at the same time....i believe you are "seeing" the man for who is most of the time..and better you are reaching out when able.....that means you are making progress...and making progress is wonderful, and it means you are on the long long road to healing...


(((honest)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning tribe

its a beautiful day here in new york....

may today find you all feeling some peace and love with your families...

we may not have been blessed with spouses who truly love(d) us well, BUT we have all been blessed with our children, and some of us with family and some of us with friends......

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((honesttoafault))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Honest)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs.

I am in quicksand, in a whirlpool and can't seem to think straight.

I talked to WH, and told him I NEEDED him to tell me how I was special to him. How I was different. I told him I NEEDED some reassurance.

He just spun it around, telling me he's told me already and I'll be like this for the next 20 years. I always needed reassurance.

Sure I did, because I always had the nagging feeling that he might be cheating....he wasn't really committed to me.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm trying to get blood from a stone.

I'm beating my head against a brick wall......

We ended up with a big fight, of course I was blamed for making us be further apart.

WH says he will NEVER divorce her EVER. That's it. No more talking about it. AND he is NEVER going to divorce me, unless I ask for it.

WH says I'm wrong, you can't ask someone to love them. I told him I wasn't asking for that, just that if he did to show me. He says I should feel it!!!!!!

I just told him I NEEDED some reassurance......to discuss with me how he felt..... and the answer was how many times does he have to do it.

I have my answer.

I feel like I'm dying inside....I was killed already.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest....

I have my answer

You've known this for a long time... that doesn't make it any easier, I know. You are such a good person - you ask for so LITTLE from this man & he just can't do it. Perhaps part of him knows there is no way in Hell this is going to work - so he's not even going to give you a crumb? He's so mad at you maybe or maybe he's so scared for what this will mean to him that he can't do anything to help you - because you are going to hurt him?

I really don't know - just throwin some ideas out there.

The main point is - who gives a shit what he thinks? He's an F-n asshole, right? The man has proven, time and time again, to be completely selfish & irrational. He is not the measure of your worth!!!!
I say you go on E-Harmony right now and find your perfect match! At the very least it will distract you from the sorrow and maybe, just maybe.... something more.

Honest - hang in there. (It's worse when he's here, right? How are the kids? And - when is he leaving?)

AND....
I'm pleased to announce that I felt NORMAL today! Yay me!

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:28 PM, September 6th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault... You can do this. It takes steps. First, decide you want to be independent. Wake up every day and say it again. I do not need him. Start with this… making sure you have all your expenses in line with your income. Now, go join some local groups, walking groups, running groups, church groups, any hobby… Finish your degree! it starts with your own actions. You need to visit an attorney.. Have you done that? Make sure you have your legal ducks lined up… Go do it. Then, go NC with your H for awhile. Only you can make yourself move forward… It is easy… just start it… make a list of steps you want to do. The wonderful girls here can help you… then everyday try and make progress. Love will find you… you can find love… This is not going to just fall in your lap without some moving toward happiness. So, what have you done? Just do it… you will be happy in time…
Peace all

AST... Too funny.. I was fuss'n at you in a dream? Yep that was me!!!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest...
Tryin has given you a lot of good advice... what you need to do is to take one step at a time... one baby step...and each new goal that you achieve..each step will be one more step toward independence from this man!
I sent you a PM.....
and one of the things I said there is that I totally understand where you are coming from...so much of it goes back to being raised by a BPD mother.
I was NEVER good enough for my mother no matter how hard I tried...
so now...any rejection or abandonment..is magnified....
it is that little child inside of us that is feeling rejected and unwanted once again.
It's very hard for those with 'normal' mothers to understand what it's like to have a BPD mom....
One example..in my case..I have tried and tried to remember back into my childhood and I can go back to about age 4 ....I do not remember one time that my mother ever hugged me or kissed me...
I am not kidding. That is the kind of stuff you probably dealt with also...
Have you gone to IC? If money is an issue sometimes you can find a lot of support and free or low cost counseling at a Women's Center...
I was in IC for almost 3 yrs post d-day...I still go back every once in awhile if I need to talk...
It was a life saver for me...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: i am glad that you are posting dear heart...

i agree with njgal, tryn has given you great advice...and i understand it is all way more easier said then done...

its amazing how many opportunities you have given him, he is not the man you thought he was...and this i understand way way too well...

do you remember when we all talked to booger everyday to get rid of all her ws's crap that she was holding onto, we told her, you included, one step at a time, one thing at a time...well now it is your turn my friend, one step at a time...so what step will take tomorrow...


allgood: yay you is right, normal is wonderful, i do not remember what that felt like..someday...


we were back in the er today with manchild, this time he fell the other nite playing manhunt, his knee just gave out, it is quite swollen, slightly bruised...xray showed no break, the dr thinks he might have torn his miniscus...if this is the case he might need some surgery..never a dull moment, but at least it is fixable...

i tell my kids over and over and over...if its fixable and curable its allowable...driven home after what happened to uni's daughter...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I hope your DS feels better.

Oh the JOYS OF BOYS!!!!!

I have 4 of them, broken bones, stitches, etc etc

Thank you everyone, thank you tryn.

I'll see if I can post more tomorrow.

Luv ya all!!


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafult,

I am so sorry that you cannot get any cooperation from him. You deserve so much better.

From what you post I see a man(?) who cannot ever admit he was wrong. To even comfort you would open the cutain to the horrible way he has/is treating you. The mistakes in his life. It appears that from his actions you are to feel love and act loving to him regardless of his actions or behavior. No matter what he does (or does not) say or does, you are supposed to feel loved. Honest, that is crazy thinking, it makes no sense.

Tryhrd is right. Start with small baby steps, but you can make progress. More so than for any of us, this is not about you. This is his problem. Unfortunately, you are left to extricate youself from the tar baby. So start slow, think what you will need, and let us help you get to there.

I was glad to see a post, I am sorry it never gets any better for you.

((honesttoafault))

- Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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