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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoods....
totally understand and can relate to the entire scenario...
peeking at the cell phone.. being concerned about the text...
by the way, his erasing all the text messages before you could see them would have made me very nervous....
hope he does have excellent explanations for the behavior...
can you get cell phone records of who texted him?
I would want to do that just to be sure...
is your neediness andare your questions about the OW unusual..not at all..been there ...done that... teenagerish? well everything about the affairs is childish and teenagerish and it causes us to react the same way..
about him getting upset about you snooping?
well, he lost his right to privacy when he lied to you for years...he should now be an open book..uncomfortable as it may be...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: no need to beat yourself up...he is a big boy and will survive...the point is that you realize that this behavior from you will serve YOU no purpose...realizing is the first step and honestly the easier step...stopping it is quite another....and most especially since you are in so much pain...when we hurt, alot of strike back...like a wounded animal in the wild...when they are hurt they do the hurting...it must be some kind of self defense mechanism...the only issue with that is it doesn't really work, we still get hurt...

and mr allgood seems to have gone to pfms school of higher learning on not knowing what to do when told.. ...i gots no answers on that one...


roses: i understand your feeling the way you do and that you disagree... to me sadness at times is a choice...perspective can change almost anything....i am also not saying that you won't ever get somewhat melancholy over this...but you can get to a point where the "sadness" does not overtake you the way it does and can now....

keeping and holding on to that thought that the sadness will always be with you is a "thought" and thoughts can change, we should not let the thoughts control us rather then us control the thoughts...and YES YES YES...so much easier said then done...but it can be done...


believe:

he couldn't promise or guarantee that it would never happen again

had he said he he never would...would you believe it???

as much as i give him credit for his honesty...i would rather hear that" as much as there is no garantee, i can and will make sure that i do everything within my power to heal myself, to create boundaries and do the work it will take to make it highly unlikely if not impossible"

intention....he has no intention....and he needs to have intention


m3: i am glad that you slept well....and i am glad that your ic released you from feeling responsible for him...you never were you know...you are only responsible for you and what you bring to the marriage table...that is it...

and i too could take a test that would have told me that i was prime for an affair, i was in an abusive marriage, NONE of my needs were met, not even in times of hardship or trauma could i count on my husband, i was neglected as a person, i was spoken to in a condescending manner daily, and i could go on and on...but like you pointed out i have boundaries..always had...but now since learning of his infidelity, i am not only prime for an affair i am totally open to it... and pfm already knows this, this is not a secret...and i will not be with a married man...the difference for me though is i have no intention of reconcilling...if i did have that intention me having an affair would only give us that much more to work through..on the other hand i am old school and believe whats good for one is good for the other...but its really tricky buisness and could potentially get really really ugly...which would make it not worth it in most sich's...

i have so many mixed feelings on the subject...i really believe it is an individual thing...each sich is diff and needs to be addressed differently...

roses: have a great vacation...find some peace


ats: i am with m3 on this one...she should have a regular standing appt with ic weekly...


tomorrow nite i am expecting some company, we are having freinds come and spend the weekend with us, so my time here at si will probably be short or most likely nil...so if i am not here, you know why!!


((((tribe))))


btw i dipped ever so slightly into jfo to check that huge thread from alexa...got to say it is way way too close to home...i got up to page 13 only reading his posts and just a few responders....including you some of you...just really really close to home for me.....i will try to get through it all...may have to take a company break....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.
Nofun: You and WH are in my prayers. Please let us know how things are going.

Allgood: You are letting your anger out. Do NOT feel guilty about looking at WH's cell phone. I'm sure you told him in the beginning after Dday that was one of the things that he needed to be open about. He probably felt like the little boy who is not trusted and is still being punished (as well he should) and is very uncomfortable about it, so he attacked you. Childish, yes.

I wanted to address the idea of the hurt always being there. I don't think we can ever completely eradicate it. The scar will always be there. But I do know, that when it's exposed, the hurt is less acute with time. It hurts still, but we can recognize it and deal with it better. I do believe it can be less painful as time goes on, or it has less of a hold on us. Now the pain of the LTA can be so new, so fresh, the scabs haven't fully formed and can be opened so easily. Time, of course is the key and how we deal with it each time the wound reopens. We can go in the corner to lick our wounds (which I know I tend to do), keep scratching at it and picking at it, or tend to it and deal with the pain, possibly having it open to let all the infection out and apply medicine and care until it starts to heal. But the scar will always be there. Sometimes, the place that was healed is even stronger (like a broken bone)

Ok, enough with my analogies which used to drive xWH crazy.

{{{tribe}}}

M3: don't worry about it. You are in my prayers. You are going through a lot of pain.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwant
had he said he he never would...would you believe it???

Probably not, but at least I would have felt like he was trying. It just stung to think that he maybe wasn't willing to do this.

i would rather hear that" as much as there is no guarantee, i can and will make sure that i do everything within my power to heal myself, to create boundaries and do the work it will take to make it highly unlikely if not impossible"

That would have been a better response. At least I'd think he was trying.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

believe: then that is what you tell him....show him the difference....and tell him you need to "feel" the difference....


honest:

Ok, enough with my analogies which used to drive xWH crazy


give us any and every analogy you've got...i like them....xwh's don't count in here!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((no fun))

I hope things went as well as could be expected today. Update us when you can.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cantbelieve... It would hurt me so bad to hear my W couldn't guarantee that.. In fact it did! I spent 11 months hearing that same shit from my W. It took our weekend to Retrouvaille to make a solid recommitment to me. I’m telling you, you have a problem.. it's call a H that does not understand what a M is all about. Show him the below what a healthy M is about and Highlight the one bullet about faithfulness... Also show him the Shared values! A marriage is the belief you don't have sex outside... I say all this because it is part of a good R.
I know you won't do this, but to make a point to him. You should tell him that in the next few months you are going to try to find some hot guy to have sex with... No guarantees that it will happen… or you can promise him that you won’t under any circumstances… that is a guarantee. It's like they cannot trust themselves.
I can remember telling my W at Retrouvaille my feelings because she kept using the “no guarantee”.. those words were made be very uncomfortable… So much so, I was close to ending it all. I told my wife, not having a commitment makes me feels afraid, scared, confused. It’s might the same feeling if you were working for a company for years and got fired without any explanation about what happened like How will I support myself, what will I do, what did I do wrong… I rated this bad feeling as a 10 out of 10 in importance to me. To me it’s like a color of black.
He must re-commit for you to have a healthy relationship. I’m not saying renewed wedding vows… He just need to be proactive about it… get some boundaries. Then, he must do his best to execute his commitment. If he cheats again, then you know it is just not capable of having a healthy relationship.
Studies that show what people in healthy marriages do:
- Shared Spirituality
- Have a support system of other couples who strongly believe in Marriage
- Frequently Affirm each other
- Spend quality and quantity time together
-Communicate and Listen easily and well
- Approach conflict constructively as a learning experience
- Have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship
- Are open to change
- Have s sense of commitment and faithfulness to one another
- Have unity based on shared values and goals
- Have a sense of Play and humor
- Have a deep sense of Trust
- continue to experience Forgiveness
- Value service to each other

Allgood… I am open to my wife knowing anything about me… anything. She might not like some of the things I say about her here… I choose not to say some things so she can feel good about herself and what she has done. You should stick to only telling him feelings about why you need to check the cell.. Tell him in advance next time, say hand it to me…tell him how you feel… I feel like if I see what you say to others, I will feel safe, feel not scared, it gives me a security feeling.. seeing it makes me feel warm… confident, hardy, solid….
That’s my advise you fine ladies…

Peace all


[This message edited by trynhard at 3:55 PM, August 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
let it be me
♀ Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trynhard ~ I really appreciate that list you offered up and find one word that speaks to me, especially after reading so much on this board and delving into my M and WH's issues...

"AFFIRM"

Everyone talks about "validation" and so forth... but it is truly "AFFIRMATION" we should seek for what we already know to be true about ourselves/our character....

Thanks for sharing this...


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - just to be clear - I know who the text was to - it was not to OW, but it could definitely have been construed as him having been up to something. Like I said, I got a plausible enough explanation.

My H is over it.
My anger, however, well... it's a problem.
I'm actually getting a lot happier in the other aspects of my life. It's just him.

I said a lot of awful things to him today. Things he did a year ago, things he can't take back.
To this credit, he didn't take the easy way out & just tell me what I wanted to hear.
On the other hand, he really has done nothing today that helps me heal.

I have a question for the successfully reconciled after a LTA: how does your spouse make you feel special - when the same words & the same actions were used with someone else?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update for the tribe:

They removed the tumor from FWH bladder and the doctor believes it was malignant. He said he got it all and it didn't get into the wall of the bladder so he doesn't believe he will need chemo. So that was the good news...the bad is that there is an 80% chance it will reappear so he will have to be watched.

Does it ever end? It seems like one train wreck after another and I'm being totally selfish right now. Shame on me!

So now I'm playing nurse...he has a catheter for one week......Grrrr...and OW was a nurse!! YUK!


Hugs to the tribe


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun: Thanks for the update -glad to hear everything went as well as could be expected.
Sorry you are getting frustrated/down - things will turn around soon.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,

I know my W told OM she loved him. She even had a relationship with him that included working with him everyday, being around him, talking about both families, both children’s lives, shared histories… My W even shared info about her 1st A with OM. He shared his A’s. I know it all started with attraction and lust. It developed into more. She loved him for the gifts of a generous salary, event tickets.

I can’t change it. It was my W who had it in herself to commit adultery. She cannot feel good about herself in life, what she has done to me, our children and God. Until my wife stops loving me, I will continue my M.

The words she said to him… Allgood, they are words I cannot change. You cannot change them. They were said. It happened. I truly believe my W thinks about OM today exactly the same I think about my first High School girl friend. I enjoyed that relationship, my first sexual experience, the things we did together. I liked it all and have fond memories. But I am not loving my old GF any more. I have not loved my x GF for years and years. I admit and confess fantasies but that is it. It is a reality gone by… I cannot change those feelings I have, nor the feelings my W may or may not have. I see this, my W is loving me right now. She was not loving me during her A.

You can refer to me a successfully Reconciled or not.. I’m not sure what that means. But I know I am a different person today. I have a better M right now. It is very close to when we first met plus more.

My W makes me feel special every time we greet each other because we kiss. My wife will tell me I “look good” on occasions. My W has been very generous and I rarely get a “No” when I get frisky and want to have sex. My wife will always offer me a glass of wine. My wife works hard everyday to bring home wages and we both share all of our money in one pot. She has bragged about me in front of me to her friends. My W has sent me a text telling me she misses me and loves me. My W and I often sit out on the deck to talk about our day or the kids. My W never says I cannot go play golf, poker, or run in 5k’s, halves, ball games. My W will sometimes just come and lay next to me on the couch when we watch movies. She will grab my hand when we go for a walk.

We both know what now know what true love really is today. True, I’ve lost something. I am not proud of my marriage’s history like I once was. I used to brag about the years we were married. I cannot anymore. Yes, I’ve lost some pride in my wife. Today, I have less fear. I know I can D my wife. I know I can walk away where I could not for my first year.

There will come a day I won’t come to SI anymore. I tried in January to leave. I halfway tried a month ago or so. It will be yet another step toward me thinking less and less what happened to me. Making what happened to me just a bad point in my life. It took me coming here, close to death, feeling everything I needed to feel, to vent, to cry, to neutralize my anger, feeling everyone else’s pain, seeing there suffering like mine, doing things to help me get my Lion back. I can say I have zero anger today about my W’s A. Today, It is me verses myself today. I’m winning. I have much happiness coming back in my soul.

Nofun.. I hope all works out.

Peace out..

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:12 PM, August 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and the list of things for a happy marriage. After reading your last post, I hope someday to have a marriage you described you and Mrs Tryn have. I wish my H would do half the things your W does. He tries, he's just not a "feely" person. Our counselor thinks there is hope because he has come around and mentioned "feeling" words.

I hope you never leave SI for good because the advise you can give others will hopefully help them in their journey.

Thanks again.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun, I glad they got it cleanly, and now he will know to watch. OW may have been a nurse, but you are an angel.

today has not been great. I know I have to stop withdrawing and tell her how I feel. I keep thinking (hoping?) I can just push through this and be OK. Patience has never been one of my virtues.

I am curious to see the answers to allgood's question.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun: I'm sorry it was malignant, but it sounds hopeful that the doc feels he got it all and WH doesn't need chemo.
Forget about what OW was. As mothers and wives, we are all nurses without the degree! Ats is right, you are an angel.
Keep posting here for support. You are in my prayers.

Tryn, that was a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing.

Allgood, I wish I could answer your question, but I have been battling those devils lately too, how was I special when OW got everything I did and more?

{{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: thanks for the update....and like the others glad they got it all and sorry that it was malignant....

question fun: how has he been towards you with this whole thing? do you feel like he really appreciates that you are there for him now?

ok that was 2 questions...


allgood: i am so not a success story of reconcilliation, but we have had a few here at the lta forum...your best bet would be to post this question in general...

but from experience...we all use the same words with different people, it has nothing to do with the people but with us...the words or expressions we feel comfy using in most sich's...how many people have you seen call everyone they meet "honey", or "sweety"...i even throw in a "mommy" to my kids....the words we use with other have nothing to do with those people and everything to do with who we are and our personalities....

just sayin!!!

the i love you's, the you are it's, the i can't live without you....

those expressions mean nothing if they were never followed through...the ws may have said them, and meant them at the time...but if they were "TRUE" the ws would be gone period!!!

and then there are the people who say the words and never mean them...the man who is trying to get into your pants for instance may say alot of things he don't mean just to do so....

when someone tells you he loves you, it is just a word...when that same person acts like they love you then its a verb (an action)...a bit of difference kwim...


tryn i too will be sad to see you leave si, you have so much wisdom to share....you are an inspiration to all of us....but we will understand when the time comes...but we don't have to like it...KWIM!!!!


rough nite for me tribe...did family therapy and it was hard...the therapist relayed that my boys are unhappy in my home...and they would be happier not living with either pfm and/or me!!! ...that hurt to hear...BIG HURT...


i am having a really hard time believing it too...for the most part they seem like really happy kids...i know life here is not perfect, but so what...there is no such thing as perfect...and they have it pretty good....

they say there is too much tension in the house...and i could believe that, i am too angry with pfm...i am not processing it well too often....when he fucks up i lose it...and unfortunately the idiot fucks up all the time....

pfm thinks i need to be more patient...i don't feel any...i have no patience for him or tolerance...and i don't know if i can find any....so this all may end up being for naught....i am not making any new decisions right now...but it is a possibility....and that i think will end up ugly because i believe the old pfm will rear his head if this arrangement comes to an end....

the therapist did say that we should make new contracts with each other should we still proceed on this course of co-parenting....the problem with that is alot would be on me once again...because he is incapable of meeting anything close to my standards of being a dad who is doing what he needs to do to fix what he broke....
and to all this emotional upheaval my teens all seem to be taking turns on which one will push some new limits.....normal shit, but this is not normal life...still trying to find new normal.....

oh well, it is what it is!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, August 6th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow.
You guys are great, really.

Thank you everyone for your continued support.

Tryn, once again, very insightful, throughful post. And, I am soooo happy that you are getting closer & closer to where you want to be. I'm glad you are happy.
Of course, we will miss you when you are gone -but just like when you went AWOL for a few weeks, I think you were still looking over us & jumped in to save us when need be.
But, in all seriousness, of course, we want you to move on & I can certanily understand why coming back to SI keeps the wound open a bit.

Miracle: Thank you too for your insights. I am very sorry to hear that your kids are unhappy. That must have been heart wrenching to hear. I have to say I'm surprised, because you sound like an excellent mother. And, I'm sure you are - it's just the setting, the tension and it sounds to me like your whole reason for staying with pfm may be backfiring. What are your thoughts about this? Has your therapist ever asked the kids if they think it would be better if the 2 of you split up?

Honest: thank you for your encouragement - you sound good!

Hope everyone else is well.

I have called a truce with my H. I recognize that I am getting mad about things that happend almost a year ago & that he cannot take back. I am seriously disgusted by his behavior tho & just feel like I have no idea who he really is, we certainly don't seem to share the same values. I was just thinking the other day how that there is very little that would surprise me about this man. Ijust make no assumptions anymore.

I feel like I'm very hard on my H. Very unforgiving. MOre than the rest of you. I wonder if that's because I need to see my H break down and say he lost respect for himself, was disappointed with his weakness & see him scared.

Peace out!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, August 6th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I'm very hard on my H. Very unforgiving. MOre than the rest of you. I wonder if that's because I need to see my H break down and say he lost respect for himself, was disappointed with his weakness & see him scared.

allgood - this was me for almost one year. I wanted to hurt him...I wanted to make him suffer...I wanted him to break down, to cry...I was mean, really mean....I don't know how he stayed with me. It was my MC and tryn that convinced me that I either had to move forward to R or D. I found that by me being kind, he followed suit and I got more good out of him. And God was it hard being nice. I am still angry, disappointed, sad, and two days ago told him I will never forgive him. And I won't....just saying!!

Thanks for the well wishes. and ats....the angel comment made me smile. You made my day. Everytime I had to empty that catheter I would think of OW....now I can think of the ANGEL.

Iwant - FWH has been very nervous and scared about himself so he hasn't said much about being thankful. I wish he would just say "thank you". I doubt I will get that. And that hurts, I think about why he can't just say...I appreciate you, thank you. I've asked him what he would do without me and who would take care of him if he didn't have me. All he said was "I don't know". I can't go there. It pisses me off.

Hugs everyone!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, August 6th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood… My wife was burned in an accident when she was a child. She tells me that she can remember have to have the wound cleaned often. The nurses would come in and take a ruff sponge of some sort and scrub it. She says the pain was unbearable. They did this over and over.. and gradually, the wounds started to the get smaller and smaller as the nurses scrubbed. SI scrubbed my wounds in my brain. Gradually, my brain is healing one day at a time.
Your H is in a test right now too. He must be able to take the shit you throw at him. I think about all I did to my wife and it was horrible. If you were anything like me, fear prevented me from leaving my W. With kids, it would be so hard on you. The H’s usually get off easier in the rearing part. Of course you are scared. Your fear is unwarranted. You would do great as a single mom. God somehow will bring someone to you when you are ready. A big part of R is eliminating the fear to be single. When I told my W I was going to S, The day I left, I made a date with a woman just to talk and have a drink. My wife found out. She demonstrated a anger from jealousy I had no idea those feelings existed. I think about how easy it was just to make a call and set that up… (YOU hear that ats… women love boating and wine.. something you are great at!) I think about my W wanting me with those feelings. I have come to the conclusion that fear must be overcome in R. The confidence you have to moving on is important to making a choice to trust. Your feeling will hurt if you leave but you also must have the strength to make a choice to be happy… and know if your spouse cannot be faithful, or not try and do all those things I mentioned in a healthy relationship, You will find someone that does know how to have a healthy relationship. It will be better then today.

Allgood, You might be ready try and move toward the awakening… the mature love… the truest form of love. It is a decision by both of you to want to treat each other with the highest respect and honor. Remember the phases all marriages go through? For some reason, at some point in every marriage comes that damn disillusionment phase. It is when we place the mask over our faces, we quit sharing our inner feelings, our intimacy drops, our treatment of each other begins to fade to the point we often treat our friends better then we treat our spouses.

I will say it again, Retrouvaille can teach you a new, good, way to communicate. It is totally based on sharing “feeling” so that your spouse knows how you feel. They then have the choice to continue to make you feel bad, or not. In turn, you must listen to your spouse’s feeling very closely. This is the hard part… that being the execution of the things to make your spouse feel good.
None of the above can happen without full pardon. Pardon is not like a light switch, but you must say it to yourself over and over. You never recover what you lost. Never. Then you must work on those things that are acts of forgiveness I have posted many times.
Some may say forgiveness is burying your feelings. It is not. You make a choice not to bring up the past in any way. If you are sad, you can tell your feelings to your spouse in a way that is most positive.
“honey, when you hold me, hug me, kiss me, It makes me feel like an open rose pedal.” I have also been in a place when watching TV a show with infidelity. I get up and say, “Ice cream would bring a smile to my face right now, how about you?”… LOL… seems corny but it works. It make me feel good and my W too. You just do things to make you feel good. If it gets really bad for me, I run. That is the best at eliminating that negative stuff… I run it away…

Anyway.. peace out!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, August 6th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn - thank you again. I understand. I spoke with my H again this morning & told him that since the scheduling makes it near impossible to continue the IC/MC for the next month, we needed another plan and I need for him to fully participate in it. I told him that we should go thru the Not Just Friends book together and discuss it. He agreed that he would.
(As an aside - I could not find his phone ANYWHERE this morning, so if this keeps up, I will have to call him out on that.)

Fun: we've both concluded that are Hs are similar in many regards. I would think your H truly appreciates what you are doing for him. He's probably humiliated about it and can't fathom doing that for you had you hurt him the way he has hurt you. I would think his remark "I don't know" as simple as it is - is also so profound. He probably wouldn't know what to do without you and it probably blows him mind that you are still with him.

And, I don't necessarily want to hurt my H, but I do find it strange to see no reaction when I tellhim I'm disgusted by him. NO REACTION. Very unlike him.
Anyhoo.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

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