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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS

I so wish we were in the same time zone!!!


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you know i have this habit, or should i say need, i sit down at the computer, and everyone is home in my house, and i get all kinds of interruptions, couple that with my slow typing and my ahem, long responses sometimes, i always feel like i am arriving after the fact...you peeps are like lightening fast with soo many replies, i cant get the first reply out and bam another post was made just prior or wham 3 posts were added just prior to me getting it all out there...i used to have a good system...not anymore...forget the notes, i need like 2 computers and no one around to bother me...and maybe a voice activated thing a ma jig that could type everything i say spelled correctly, and so on and so on...

jeesh...ok complaining done..

i will perservere...laura went to bed, so i might stand a chance, and dip and tryn usually have lives that keep them busy...so lets see if i could get this out and include it all....bwwhahbwhah....damn i cant even spell a witches laugh...i think i need a vacation... whateva...


laura:

"Castration Clip".


his working with all the ow i think would make me insane, so kudos to you for staying as sane as possible given all your circumstances...i also haven't a clue how you didn't just run down to the hospital on that dinner hour and check it out....you are a very rational woman i am thinkin.... ...your husband is very lucky how rational you seem to be....i don't think i would be...i like to think things through and all but i have been known to let it fly off the collar..i think its that little hot head scorpion italian in me...


and your daughter laura sounds like a gem...which to me speaks volumes about her mom...


As well he called her "sweetie", "darling", "beautiful", "honey" - none of these are now left for me!!! The one he used most often with her was "girl" - He's NEVER called me that but he's called me "girl" a few times with me since Dday and I HATE IT!!!

first off i cant say i blame you on the hating the name thing...would probably incite me to riot i think...

as for his using all those pronouns...it makes it easy, sorry to be so blunt, when you are fucking more then one to give them all the same pet names, then it doesn't matter if you mix those ups,,,but if he is fucking suzy and calls her annie...well then he's got a big problem....

pfm stopped using my name in the bedroom early on....mostly because i wasn't the one he was really wanting then...and then of course it helps in not using any names when fucking mulitple people...keeping them straight...oh well...


He apologises every time but it still triggers.

i wonder if everytime he called you girl you could come up with some name he hates, an old boyfreind of yours or a derrogatory name and when he calls you girl you can answer him "what is it i can do for you dickbrain" ..sorry bad me....


Iwant.. what I love about you... you are so not afraid to disagree!

wow, you love that i disagree... , not sure if i should be flattered or scared...


We all genuinely and deeply care about everyone that comes here.

i am so sorry to disappoint you but I AGREE!!!!!


dip:

Are you saying size does matter?

SO totally depends on the topic at hand!!!!


I plan to take your advice and "pretend" all day if necessary. I really want to have a nice day. If I trigger I will store it away for later.

sounds like a plan!! i hope you are successful...


I so wish we were in the same time zone!!!

i have to say i am impressed though at how much you are able to connect with us when you do, so alot of dialogue is happening...and there are a few night owls who lurk, so always post, you never know who is on...and always know that we will be there in hours if you have a need to connect...and then go over to general and ask for hugs...sometimes those hugs are just what you need to get you over those humps...which at times can feel debilitating...and we do have a few members in the uk, i think the time diff there might be a bit better...it is also summer and the height of people being away...

(((laura)))hugs for you when you rise...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

G' Morning Tribe,

honesttoafault, my journal does not go so far back as yours, but when I read what I wrote soon after dday it does not sound like me. Then I had not suffered the thousand acceptances and accommodations from TT. Then I thought these were black and white issues.

WH comes home Mon, and I don't want him here

I think you meant to write that "WH comes to my house Mon, and I don't want him here"

Laura28, I am glad your verifying is indicating he is being NC and honest. It is also good to know your children are supporting you in your attempt to R, but also prepared to rally and protect you if he betrays you again.

nofun, Tryn's suggestion to ask about Retroville during sex is good. I found out in a moment of TMI that my Mom still uses ask during sex to get my Dad to do things he might otherwise not want to do. I can tell you the sex has to be before the event. FWW will try to use sex after doing something that angers me and that does not go well. It is good that Mr nofun has now seen that he can say ILY and nothing terrible happens. Maybe he will become more adventurous on your vacation. FWW and I had a great time a few months back when we went to Denver. As others suggested, I had to put the A crap on vacation sometimes that week too, and just focus on having fun, as though she had never hurt me. I did and we did. The new memories and photos are nice to have to replace the A-era pictures.

With DS18 gone, the kids were noticeably quieter last night. I had not realized just how loud my oldest boy can be.

I know that FWW lurks on SI and reads at times, she says she has not lately, but it was an eerie talk last night. She spoke directly to the issues I raised in the last 2 days. She says she gets why two nights ago was a trigger, that it was not fair for her to say it was different. She is very worried about her uterus dropping, it is a sign she is aging and she really does not like getting older. She asked if I had thought about how she had sex with OM for 4 years, and now that she wants to have sex with me her uterus is dropping, so sShe is also frightened because early on when we talked about R I said I would no longer live in a sexless M. Sex is important to me, and it must be a part of any future relationship. She is now worried she will not be able to have sex.

Whoops, FWW went back to bed not feeling well, so I had to take DS for his errands and just got back. She is still in bed, looks like she will be out for the weekend.

FWW told me the guilt has eaten at her to talk to her sister who has been so supportive, knowing what she did. She told me that after the anniversary party she is going to tell SIL about texting bil. She thinks sil will be angrier with bil than her, but she wants to resolve the lie. We will see what happens. I wonder if she saw my posts about going up to confront bil and this is just a ruse to keep me from doing anything.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: your translation makes more sense, but I assume you mean huge as in he is a man.....not anything else!!!

When I read here that the WS say that sex was better with thier S, it hurts because according to WH the main reason he did what he did was because: "I was never satisfied with the quantity or quality of our sex life" AND "You are too loose down there" and "You never cared enough to have it fixed" and OW doesn't have that problem because she had a good doctor (which BTW he paid for)

Soooo, being "huge" may not be his best quality in some areas.....

Ats, your WW needs to go to gyn if she feels she has a problem. Her uterus dropping? How does she expect you to tell her anything about that? Sheesh.

Thank you, Ats, for pointing out that it's MY house. WH is visiting. I told him that the last time he was here when he mentioned something about he couldn't live with someone who did x or y, and I told him he wasn't living with us, he's visiting. He had no comment.

I have to get that in my mind and keep it there.

I'll come back later and post again. I hope everyone is having a great day as much as possible.


{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
psndhart
♀ New Member
Member # 29455
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi folks. I was directed here because I am in the same boat as you are all in.

I can't talk long, because I have to go see my mother who is ill.

Long story short, my WS has been duping me for 7 yrs or so. He was caught in an A that lasted 3 yrs but apparently never ended except for a few months.

Even with two years of what I thought was successful IC and MC, I have recently found out that he just got better and better at hiding his A. The A continued. The lies continued. I was duped.

I am not sure what to do right now. He is sleeping in another room and doing what I think is gaslighting me to no end.

I am very busy with my mother lately, but I am trying to read in the healing library and I am learning about the 180. I think the 180 is where I am at right now. I am avoiding him, but he is also avoiding me.

I never suspected a thing until I saw OW phone number, then I started going with my gut, and my gut was screaming that he was up to no good. I hired a PI and now have loads of proof of his ongoing infidelity, right down to very incriminating pictures.

I am glad I have found this place. I have gotten alot of nice responses in the first forum I posted in and by the number of people signed up here, I can see I am in a good place.

Thank you for listening.


WS lived two lives for the past 10 yrs.
Me: 56 BS
Him: 54 WS
OW: 41
Married 29 yrs.
3 adult children

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

psndhart... I am so sorry you are here too.

I am not sure what to do right now.

My #1 boundary... I will end my marriage if my W needs another relationship.

Yep.. I end it. I go NC with my W! yep, NC with my W and file D. 100% for me. DIVORCE immediately..

And I don't care if I have to give my houses up.. file bankrupt.. people get pissed at me..

See, I have no fear anymore. A gift of a second chance and the abuse continues??? I not longer will accept a false reality, no long accept a third party intruder, no long accept being in a M that is not loving to me.. I make the commitment too.. I follow the same rules..

Marriage is about 2 becoming 1.
If my W’s mother is sick.. I support her in any and every way…

We all face adversity… we all must have the courage to achieve our own happiness… It takes great brain strength, risk, drive and change… It’s up to you psndhart… IMO 180 200% and more.. do you really want to continue to be unloved?

I know it hurts.. just cry.. just hurt… but just move forward with courage… Peace will come if you change.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

psndhart,

So sorry for you, I saw your post in the other forum. TrynHard has good advice, he is wise and knows alot about this stuff. Listen to him, I do. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. He has revealed himself for who he is, and you now know that neither his apparent actions nor his words are to be trusted.

There are other wise and helpful people here who will be by eventually, the weekends tend to be slow. I just wanted you to know that you were heard. Do you have friends irl you can look to for support? Remember the basics to keep eating, drink water, exercise if you can. Do you have children?

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey miracle

when you are fucking more then one to give them all the same pet names, then it doesn't matter if you mix those ups,,,but if he is fucking suzy and calls her annie...well then he's got a big problem....


I may be fairly rational but sometimes I'm not too bright - Why didn't I think of this?!!!!!!

i wonder if everytime he called you girl you could come up with some name he hates, an old boyfreind of yours or a derrogatory name and when he calls you girl you can answer him "what is it i can do for you dickbrain" ..sorry bad me....


I LOVE IT!!! Thank you - you are so funny sometimes - gave me a nice giggle to start the day. I think I will just tell him to use my name - maybe it will remind him who his wife is!!!


and your daughter laura sounds like a gem...which to me speaks volumes about her mom...

She is!!! My son and daughter are the most wonderful people. They makelife worth living. And thank you for the compliment.

Edited to fix smileys. Hope this works

[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:31 PM, August 28th (Saturday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help - I tried smileys and stuffed up. Oh well maybe I'll work it out next time.


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worked out where I went wrong - will go back anf fix them


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi psndhart

Welcome.

I have only been here a short time but can tell you the people in this corner of SI are great.

And yes you belong here.

So sorry for your pain. No one who hasn't experienced it can understand the heart break we go through.


You will get great advice from these people so please listen. I'm only a newbie and am still learning. The main advice I can offer is to take care of yourself. You must put your health and psychological well being at the top of the list now.

Clearly you also have to take care of your mum. I found out about my husbands philandering 2 days after my mum's funeral so can really relate. You can read my story in my profile and posts I have added here and elsewhere.

Take care


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ats

She asked if I had thought about how she had sex with OM for 4 years, and now that she wants to have sex with me her uterus is dropping, so sShe is also frightened because early on when we talked about R I said I would no longer live in a sexless M. Sex is important to me, and it must be a part of any future relationship. She is now worried she will not be able to have sex.

This sounds like a step forward for you both. If she does have a prolapse it is easily treated and should have no effect on sex life. Hope you can both get this sorted

She told me that after the anniversary party she is going to tell SIL about texting bil. She thinks sil will be angrier with bil than her, but she wants to resolve the lie. We will see what happens. I wonder if she saw my posts about going up to confront bil and this is just a ruse to keep me from doing anything.

I hope for your sake she is genuine. Sounds like this could be a real turning point for you.

I have tried to follow your sitch but still get a little confused with everyone's stories

HUGS
Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All
Off on our big day out now. It's almost 10.30 - H had a sleep in so we are a bit late. Planning on beach - it's coolish - about 70 deg but still nice in sun- shopping, movie then nice restaurant.
Determined to "pretend" today. All Ok so far.
Catch up with you when I can. Hope you all have a good day/evening whichever applies.

Laura

P.S. Realised this morning yesterday was 3 months exactly from Dday. Maybe knew subconsciously and that's why had a bad day. Glad its done


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

psndhart - so sorry you find yourself in this situation. But you found a great bunch of people who have lots of great wisdom.

The first thing I did was set some boundaries with FWH. NC, MC, STD testing, and no more going out with the guys....those were the things that were important to me in the beginning.

Tribe - I have decided that I am going to keep a separate journal starting today where I will list "new memories." Things we have never done before, places we have never been before, new friends we make, new activities we try, etc. This way if I get down in the dumps, I can read about all the "new memories" we've made. And also, it might encourage me to work at making "new memories." Looking back, there are really quite a bit of new things we've done. I couldn't handle the "old stuff" because of the triggers.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just dropped in quick.

Welcome psndhart. There are wonderful people here that have literally saved my life this past year and continue to give their support and caring.

Just keep posting and venting and reading the healing library.

Laura, I am glad you found us. I hope that in time your sitch will improve.

I've been trying all day to look at the bright side of things. Brought DS 12 to the beach, and it was so triggery seeing all the families together. Granted, no one really knows ther real story behind the smiles, but even though I was trying to focus on the beautiful water, it was so hard....

Tryn, I have to focus on your #1 boundary.

I am beginning to believe that I built such a fantasy to accomodate and live with WH's behavior and to not really listen to my gut, that it's hard to accept the reality. I spent so much time and effort...almost 20 years of building this up, that I don't know what to do anymore.

No wonder I feel like I'm going crazy!!

No wonder I need reality checks so badly right now!!

Thank you all.

{{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I wish I lived closer to you. I know it's difficult for you but you are one strong woman. Try to do something nice for YOU.

You will get through this, you will.


(((((HOnest)))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey - back from the vacation - I'm still only up to page 27 - but I jumped ahead a bit and saw Fun is going away tomorrow so I just wanted to share my experience with you since our Hs are brothers from another mother:

I went to Trigger City for vacation - same place, date, etc as DDay last year. I was ok & didn't trigger much - but the anxiety of driving there got to me & my H knew I was upset. Despite my explicit conversations with him earlier in the week that he would have to step up his emotional support - all I got was him rubbing my knee.
Dead serious.
Later that night we got into an argument & I told him that this was going to be tough on me & he really didn't go out of his way to help me through it. He said he saw I was moping & he would normally get mad - but he knew why I was upset - so he didn't say anything.

Got into another argument a few days later. I tried to explain how I FELT and he just totally didn't get it (the drinking definitely didn't help). I left with the kids for a few hours that night & I was happier. And, to be honest, since then, I have been thinking that maybe all of us would be happier if we separated.
I spent the better part of my day avoiding him, even encouraged him to go to a party tonight without me.
Anyhoo,
I briefly skimmed & I really think that your H may be coming around - so I think you will be ok. And I think your idea of a journal for "new stuff" is really, really good. I think I may try that - positive stuff only. (I had saved a couple of my H's better texts in my phone for the past year for reassurance purposes as well, but I have to say that frightens me every day, as my daughter plays with my phone & I'm petrified she will accidentally send it to someone.)

I'm supposed to be watching the fights with him now so I have to go - but Honest - hang in there - I didn't get a chance to see exactly what's going on but stay strong sista!
Miracle: yay for your daughter passing her test!

Hello new members - I'm looking forward to learning more about you.

And.... good night tribe.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome to our little corner of si psndhart, i am so sorry for all you are going through....i hope your mom will be ok first off and as for your ws...i really hope he does what is needed for you...

I am not sure what to do right now.

then do nothing and take it one day at a time...and there will be days that it will be by the minute...there is no need to rush into anything until you are sure....

when you do have some time and somewhat of a clear head some new rules will have to be established or i should say you should establish your boundaries that he needs to respect and honor...the first being nc, the next should be ic....and the gaslighting business has to stop....and depending on you and the boundaries you set forth you would need to decide when you are ready which of them would be a dealbreaker if any...

take your time and really think on it, and right now i would say that your mind must be going a mile a minute between the betrayal and your mom...so cut yourself some slack....

please take care of yourself, eat as well as you can, hydrate and if possible stick in a little exercise, even if it just walking 10 min a day...it will help you connect with yourself and clear your head...


honest:

huge as in he is a man.....not anything else!!!

i guess my translation sucked.. i meant huge as in problem....the steps concerning your ws are huge...not him...although i do have to say his head and his <ahem> um "balls" are quite huge.. ...

and maybe you could get him what laura got her ws...only highlight the name and tell him that instructions will be in the box on how!!! ...bad me..


laura...nice triple post...just to fix some smileys...yup once again you are my kind of woman...


and wow, giving some advice to ats too....

I have tried to follow your sitch but still get a little confused with everyone's stories

when i first arrived here i tried my damdest to learn who everyone was....didn't work...and i was also still reeling from all i was finding out on pretty much a daily basis...and i will tell you what i was told...relax, at that point in time i needed to just be and recieve all the support these wonderful people had for me and later on when my sich wasn't so raw i would eventually just catch on...and i did...i still get an oldie here or there mixed up since alot of whom was here when i arrived do not post too often anymore...and some just lurk...we all seem to go through so many stages...and they are all stages of grief over what is forever lost to us...we lost an innocence that we could never recover, we can though recover and heal and move on...

so lta newbies, relax, take the support and when you are ready you will catch on...


fun: i love your new journal idea...and i love the change i hear in you....the shell of the woman is beginning to fill...you are actively looking for perspective that works, you are actively participating in your recovery of self and marriage, you are actively seeking support, you are actively offering support, you are actively "making new memories"....

and btw i too wished you lived closer to honest, because then that would make you closer to me too!!!


honest:

I am beginning to believe that I built such a fantasy to accomodate and live with WH's behavior and to not really listen to my gut, that it's hard to accept the reality. I spent so much time and effort...almost 20 years of building this up, that I don't know what to do anymore.

on some level honest we all did this, alot of us made excuses FOR them when they were not being the husbands and wives they should have been...we took those vows...for better and or for worse...so i know for me i just said this is the for worst part never in a million years ever believing the real why it was for worse...i knew it was for worse and i had tacked on MY own reasons for believing why it was happening...i chose to believe it was his foo instead of HIM...and then of course our spouses all of them were amazing liars...all of them could win academy awards for their acting skills...to be able to pull off a lta, and some of them pulled it off for an enormous amount of time, ( i didn't want to say huge this time.. )..anyways..."hard to accept this reality"...you bet its hard, and the most important part is that it is POSSIBLE...to accept it and move on from it...i am determined to do so and i am taking you with me...

as for "I don't know what to do anymore"....

i think you know exactly what you have to do...motivating yourself though to actually do it is another matter...

in your sich on one hand it would make life so much easier if you gave into his demands and went back to him...but that would destroy you, your very essense, not to mention everything that really matters about you...and you would become a shell, dead inside because to live with what he wants you to live with is truly deadening to your core...and this i know you know...


allgood: welcome back...i am not quite sure what to make of your post re vacation...

trigger city: didn't really trigger much...so thats good

he rubbed your knee to offer support...at least he acknowledge that you needed support even if his attempt was somewhat of a failure at reassurance

he didnt get mad at you during an argument because he knew you were upset, even though once again he didn't offer reassurance

avoidance is usually not good unless you need to regroup

sending him to a party without you...not good

you dd playing with your cell, lock the phone or don't give it to her...get her her own play cell

so basically it didn't go really bad or good...just middle of the road...i think thats actually progress...granted not great progress but progress...

had this trip been made 6 motnhs ago, there would have been 0 support, some anger from him and both of you would have ended up quite angry at the other probably ending with your ws telling you that this was never going to work among a few other things...

yup progress!!!


perspective can be everything!!!


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, August 29th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood - I too get the knee rub. It's all my H can give sometimes so maybe we should look at it in a positive light. When I get a trigger, H usually ignores me, which makes it even worse. But at this point, I'll take the knee touch...at least they are acknowledging how we feel.

I'm taking my journal with me on vaca and I am going to post only positive things. Even a knee rub...

miracle - when I read about your italian temper I chuckled. I have had to control my "italian temper" for years. But it came out when I learned my H took OW to Vegas....it was so bad that I scared myself. My dad was a tyrant and I vowed to never be like that. I did good for a long long time. H is lucky I didn't stab him!

We are going to the feast of St. Anthony (lots of Italian food.) I am taking my territory back as H took OW there for dinner and I'm NOT GOING TO TRIGGER! I am going to take H in the church where his parents got married and I am going to light a candle and ask him to reflect on his past and vow to be a better man.

Hugs to the tribe


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, August 29th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle... I also like your "do nothing" advice to psndhart for the short term... It seems like someone in deep hurt, shock, discovery always has a hard time here on LTA thread... we are all in so many different places... Those first 3 or 4 weeks after dday are pure hell. I hate gaslighting. You ok psn?

Allgood… IMO, If you S, then I say you should go ahead and start the process of D. I think not a single person in this world would blame you if you decide to D. I think very few men are like NJgal’s H come begging for a second chance. It seems to me, most LTA offenders have already ready themselves in there minds to D and.. You too might need a fresh start because some people just cannot do the things necessary to forgive. I’m not saying you are weak. A man killed his W and himself this week here in Indy. I call that weak. You can still forgive you H for adultery but decide to find someone that might love you more. I know many people at peace that way. Your H may be unable to forgive himself too. (Although I’m finding selfish people can easily forgive themselves)

Just curious? are you telling him what you need? “I need you to squeeze me tight”…
“When I think about our past, it makes me angry, upset (all your feelings)” and when I feel like this, I need more then a “pat” on the knee… I need you to assure me you love me today, make sure I know we are married and are one now.. I need you to hold me for a few minutes… I need you to tell me something reassuring at that moment.. and I promise to listen and try and feel what you are telling me…

Why is it that we have this fear, that opposite pull, un-telling, un-informing, part of us? I too have a tough time telling my W what I need… Knowing that people learn and change through repetition makes reconciliation even harder… to have to ask for this to be filled over and over makes me feel even more fear, unbelieving, unsure, tense, powerless… It might feel the like when you call one of those automated call centers to correct a bill. The auto voice keeps saying… I’m sorry I did not understand…press one for balance, two for payment… three for… you question should I just go down to building or keep trying to get a live customer service rep… It’s frustrating.

Honest… Form a plan for freedom… happiness… independence… you can do it! why not go back and finish your degree? Enter that field and make a go at it? The change will do you good.

Laura..

Determined to "pretend" today.
is it really pretending? Or is it that you make a choice to yourself to love him? If you chose to not bring up the ugly past, it is a decision to love. To love someone after being Devastated, I am finding is a gift, a special power, not many have…

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:12 AM, August 29th (Sunday)]


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