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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, August 25th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - Happy Birthday...you have wonderful sons.

Laura - I also changed my will and made sure that what I own goes to my children. I own my a business and I made sure none of it goes to FWH. Not after what he did to me. And in the envelope with the Will I wrote a note that says "You fucked the wrong person".


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, August 25th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest, don't go.

You know who and what he is. There is no profit for you in checking this out. Focus on the only thing you can control, you.

((honesttoafault))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 25th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura,

he doesn't read, get him books on tape..or tape record your voice reading aloud from the healing library...and tell him he doesn't have to read, just listen..and then tell him to keep playing the recordings til he understands what they say...and then let it be


the only pushing accomplishes is getting out some minute fustration because you can elevate your voice and even get aggressive with your words...but when your pushing doesn't get you the desired result...what happens...waaay more fustration then what you started with...

sometimes we need to plant some seeds...tell him what you need and then let it go and see if the seed plants and then see if he can connect the dots on his own and provide you with the answers you seek...

when threatened, retreat is usually the course chosen when fear is what drives you

i wish i had approached pfm differently when i learned about his activitied...i made it unsafe for him to tell me...even though i kept telling him otherwise..he decided not to trust me with the truth...instead he went against all advice from me and c, and very very close family friend and chose instead to lie...

and to add to that when you live the life of a liar you know nothing else but to lie to protect....he was never taught how to be a partner, or a husband...or even a friend...he was taught to decieve...

anyways, i think if i approached him differently , less threatening i would have gotten at some of the truth quicker...but then again, even when i backed off my approach he still didnt spill his beans,...i actually take all of that back...the man lies about anything and everything..nope my approach wouldn't have helped...but if he weren't a compulsive liar then maybe...

i did learn how to do this to a certain extent with manchild...(ds)

laura when we each began here we were all overwhelmed and felt very much as you do, keeping up with us when we can be so chatty and learning who we are will come in time...we all understand and know that feeling all too well...so relax and for now keep up with what you can, mostly about you...the rest will come one step at a time...and of course it doesn't help when we are all so overwhelmed irl...its not like we went to school to prepare for our spouses carrying on with a lta(s) and multiple op's..

fun: i love that note...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone
Had a bad afternoon. We live in a fairly small town. My sister lives not far from the hospital where my husband works and I went to visit her. On the way past the hospital I saw OW3 (most recent) getting out of car. Not in work clothes. She was all dolled up. My H was at work.
I waited about 30 mins and then rang him on his mobile. When he answered he said he was busy and could I call back in 5 mins. This worried me as I thought maybe he was with her.
I eventually rang back. After chatting for a little while I asked if any of them (OW1,2,3) were at work. (I had told him a while ago I always want him to tell me). He said no but that OW3 was there visiting friends and had just left. He had just seen her. I'm hoping this was true. Think maybe it was, just wish he hadn't put me off when I first rang.

i think you should take some kind of meditation or yoga to help clear your mind..it will help with the stress levels for you which are off the charts right now...

Thanks for the advice. I am not into that sort of thing but have been really trying to focus on myself. Lost quite a bit of weight (SI diet) and am now being really careful to eat nutritious food. My diet had deteriorated badly in recent years. I have also started to exercise (gently) for the first time in 20 years. I am trying to focus on myself. I am taking great care with appearance - makeup, hair etc. Want to feel good about myself as my self esteem has really taken a hit.

sometimes we need to plant some seeds.

Thanks for this. I think I will just keep quietly hinting for more info and see what happens.

when you live the life of a liar you know nothing else but to lie to protect

I really think this is him to a Tee. He tells lots of little lies -always has- which I've never worried about before cause I didn't see them as a problem and they weren't worth fighting about. Maybe I was wrong. When you get into the habit.

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

I love this! Its what I keep telling myself I need to do.

No fun

"You fucked the wrong person".

Love this too. Wish I'd thought of it. Next time I see my solicitor I may ask him to add a brief letter to my will. My will says something boring like I want my H to have nothing because of infidelity during the marriage!!


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was getting ready to go to bed last night and listening to the news when Tiger Woods and Elin came on. I got the worst trigger...and I've been doing really good. When this happens, I immediately want to rip my H's head off, slap him, kick him, stab him, you name it. Of course I didn't...I just went in the garage, had a good cry and went to bed. Geesh....I hate this shit!!

There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about his LTA, and the OW. H seems to just go on like nothing has ever happened. He says he never thinks about the A nor OW until I bring it up. It must be nice!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

G'morning Laura, at least it is morning here.

Sorry for your trigger with seeing OW, but glad your WS was able to answer your question without becoming defensive.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ats
Its 9.30 pm here. H is at work. He rings me often when he can which is nice,
When was honest's birthday? Mine was August 18th. For the first time in longer than I can remember I actiually got decent presents from H. He bought me nice earrings and a CD. Usually gets me chocs and then eats 90% of them. Guess he's trying.
I;m a little loshed. Red wine is my sleeping pill. After HA doc gave me Valium by I;m terrified of getting addicted so have 2 or 3 glasses of wine instead.
Ican usually get at least 4 hours straight with it but it makes me a bit ditzy so how I make sense.
Good moring to you. Hope you have a nice day.

No fun

I also saw item on TW. Feel so much for his wife. Talk about sledge hammer!! She has however acted with great dignity. Good for her


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No fun

Sorry YW story made you trigger. You sound like me. Trying so hard not to be hurt all the time and then these tsunami rages hit.
I try not to rage to H as I know it doesn't help. Every now and then i do and then feel I have to apologise which I hate doing. It's his sh.t that got us here!!


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Tryn
Was reading back over posts from last few days and saw this

In Afghanistan you get stoned to death… Here, we just get stoned cold drunk.. lol…

I'd love to see her stoned to death, and I have a few drinks each night to sleep.

Maybe if she got stoned to death I wouldn't need em lol.

I know I'm not supposed to have any feelings about her - that she is NOTHING but I still hate her. Fantasise about keying her car or burning her house down. Or her DYING!! LOL

Before anyone gets worried I know I wouldn't do it - but it's lovely to imagine.


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again - just prattling away to myself

Excerpts from a local paper:

Tiger's ex speaks out
August 26, 2010 - 6:38AM

Tiger Woods's ex-wife Elin Nordegren has broken her silence about the couple's failed marriage in a magazine interview, expressing "shock and disbelief" upon learning about his multiple infidelities, US television reported on Wednesday.

"I've been through hell," the former Elin Woods.....

Elin's reaction to the sordid sex scandal that made headlines around the world.
"I've been through hell" ...

Nordegren told the magazine she felt "absolute shock and disbelief" when she learned about her husband's philandering....

"I felt stupid as more things were revealed. How could I not have known anything?" she says.

"The word betrayal isn't strong enough. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart."

The former nanny also reportedly told the magazine that the stress from the scandal caused her insomnia and weight loss and in the days before the divorce was finalised this week, she says she began to lose her hair.

Elin told People she was truly devoted to her husband and had hoped that they would have a happily-ever-after life together.

"I loved him. We had so much fun," she said, "and I felt safe with him."

I feel so much for her. She is us!!!


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happy belated birthday laura...i am glad that your husband stepped up a bit and did something nice for you...its kind of the least they can do right...


I am not into that sort of thing but have been really trying to focus on myself.

I have also started to exercise (gently) for the first time in 20 years.

i am not for the most part someone who could sit still, at least the mind for meditation....

that being said, i have read a few books on the subject as well as attend a few workshops in which they have you meditate during the course of the workshop....i am still not big on it, i have learned to a very minor extent how to still my mind, although i confess that when confronted with any kind of hurt, stilling my mind becomes an impossible feat at times, and i do not always succeed and usually wind up giving into the pain and crying my eyes out...and then it passes...faster then it used to..

anyways...i also learned by these "teachers" from the workshops and from the books that there are all different types of meditation...my absolute favorite which i do every day...walking...its also a great exercise...you walk at your pace, and your mind even if it wanders is ok..the event of walking in itself especially if you could do it outside in nature, is something somehow that helps us connect to ourselves...

with your recent heart attack i would think that walking would be great for you...not overly stressful and quite easy to do....

and dance is another...lock yourself in a room, turn up the music and feel the music and dance to it letting go...concentrating on the music and nothing else...i do this too sometimes, its amazing how good it ends up feeling....if you've ever watched greys anatomy, christina does this with meredith alot, and when i tried it i was blown away at how good it really felt, and i've done this when tears would be streaming down my face non stop...and it ends up calming me so that i could at least catch my breath between sobs until i could eventually stop sobbing...

anyways it anther great exercise you do at your own pace which would do you good after the heart attack...


i think you showed great restraint when you saw ow#3 at the hospital, i think i would have followed her in to see where she was going...but your husband told the truth about her being there and thats a plus for him...

planting seeds: remember they need to be tended to ever so gently...and sometimes the seeds we plant aren't any good so new ones need planting...and then sometimes after planting new seeds and still nothing grows, then the soil is not fertile and will not allow growth and what you hope to sow from those seeds will need to be attained another way....

i still plant seeds, even though i am not in reconcilliation, we still have kids together...and when it comes to doing right by his kids pfm sucks...a recent seed planting that had not worked concerned my dd who knows of his infidelity and also has yet to see the man lear his lesson on being a true person...so after dropping enough hints, he wasn't getting it, was not understanding what the right thing to do was, so once again the seeds being planted did not work and i had to come right out and tell him what i thought he needed to do....

so plant those seeds, and if it doesn't take you will have to try other alternatives...i really hope though for you it works, because it really is a beautiful thing for both of you when it does work....it sooo much less stressful all the way around and its allowing him to be his own person and step up on his own...granted sometimes they need a little push, but i think alot of that just comes from just not knowing what to do and how to do...if you could plant the seeds where it is for the most part layed out, it makes it easy for them....and none the wiser either for your effort, because you let it go once you plant...

laura can your husband look for another job at another hospital?....


tsunami rages hit.

excellent way to describe it....


i don't hate the ow as much as i hate my ws for this, those women didnt make vows to me, those other women were wrong and deserve to be punished but nowhere near as much as pfm...he was the one who did this to me, they were accessories to the fact...he was the "trigger man"....

and thanks ats and laura for the compliments on my new sig line...i am entering i feel a new stage in my own healing and need to think present tense and ahead only...and i needed my sig line to reflect it...


dd's orientation was yesterday and once again i feel that certain things happen for a reason...it was a minor thing but i noticed just the same...when pfm and i got there we were told to pick a table and to save a seat for our child, pfm was on errand and so i was left alone to do this, we were given a table numbers from which to choose from, well i passed a couple of the tables, there was one table where this lone woman was sitting and something just told me to sit there, and i didn't even bother to check the other tables...a few minutes later her husband joined us as did pfm....and a few minutes later the kids come to join the parents at the tables...and there comes dd with this other 2 girls...all 3 head straight to our table...turns out that one of the other girls belonged to the woman i sat with..so the kids made a connection at the start of the day, and apparantly so did we parents...i thought it was such cool irony...i love it when stuff like that happens...

((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, my priest says I'm complicit and really shouldn't take communion until I tell.


M3 - This statement truly shocked me. I honestly don't understand why he would feel this way. Do you agree with him on this??
I am Catholic too and one thing I have found out over my lifetime of confessions is that different priests have different views over an identical issue (PM me if you want an example of a personal experience).
I know you mentioned he is a trusted friend of yours and you respect his opinion and of course, being Catholic I'm feeling guilty for saying this , but I disagree with him. How are you complicit??? Why should you not receive communion while you try to decide whether more harm will be done before telling the OW's BH??? I'd really be interested in your reaction to your friend's statement.
NoFun - great note but let's hope you're not the first to go.
Also, so sorry to hear about your trigger with the TW news. I watched it on the news last night and it just goes to show how it's not about us - it's about how screwed up these men are/were. I mean look at Elin - she's gorgeous, great body, seems like a very warm and genuine person and in less than about 6 years of M he has a shocking history of infidelities. WTF??? It's all about them and their need for validation, over and over and over again. Look the guy even ended up in SA rehab - even he admits it was him. Laura, don't let your H's infidelites affect your self-esteem. Truly these men and women who have histories of LTA's have serious issues that have nothing to do with us. Please keep reminding yourself of this when you're feeling down.
He said no but that OW3 was there visiting friends and had just left. He had just seen her. I'm hoping this was true.

Laura - This is very positive. The fact that he admitted this to you without knowing whether or not you saw her shows that he is trying to be open and honest.
I hope he continues to be open and volunteers information without having to be asked first. That's when I knew my H was serious about R - when he would offer up information that I would otherwise never have known if he hadn't told me.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:49 AM, August 26th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

- planting seeds: remember they need to be tended to ever so gently
- i still plant seeds, even though i am not in reconcilliation
- so plant those seeds, and if it doesn't take you will have to try other alternatives

Miracle - you may not know a lot about cars and oil changes but you sure do seem to know a lot about gardening.

I'm sorry, Miracle, I just had to tease you a little this morning.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH tells DS 15 on the phone that he is coming back next Tues. WH told me that he made reservations to go back 7/28.

On his email (he doesn't know I know) I saw the reservations for 7/28 AND reservations from another airline that says he is coming this Friday.

Honest - I'm a little confused. I'm assuming you mean 8/28 meaning this Saturday. If he told you the 28th and you saw reservations for the 28th I cannot imagine why he'd have another airline reservation for the 27th. I am totally confused. I can see where a mistake could have been made with telling your son that he is coming back on Tuesday as long as he told you he'd be back on Saturday.
But I can absolutely see why you'd be concerned about the reservation for Friday. I'm also assuming he doesn't know you have the password for the account that you found this information on otherwise I would just come right out and ask - why are there two separate reservations???
Also, I think going to the airport would create so much anxiety for you. Just sitting there hoping to see him come out when in reality, especially if he is coming into a major airport, I cannot see how there would be a guarantee that you would be able to see him.
Have you talked to him since your post to confirm his return - telling him you will be there to pick him up, especially if he is telling you he is coming on the 28th - a Saturday - you could just say that your sons are so anxious to see you and want/need to be there to welcome him home.
Does this sound reasonable?
((((((((((Honest)))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf

Miracle - you may not know a lot about cars and oil changes but you sure do seem to know a lot about gardening.

i wish, i dabble, and when it takes yay,..on a side note my home is full of artificial flowers, pictures of flowers...(designers nightmare) all fake, just like pfm and this is sad but true... guess i gots to get rid of the plastic seeds..

if i could afford it i would fill my home with real flowers....i wonder though...fake flowers, fake husband...its a bit of a stretch, but then again so is my life apparantly...

I'm sorry, Miracle, I just had to tease you a little this morning.

no need to apologize ever for this kind of stuff, its puts a smile on my face as well as yours...i promise..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf i am glad that you picked up on the priest comment for m3, when i read it i cringed and then got sidetracked and lost thought of it..we get so damned chatty sometimes its so hard to keep straight everything you want to say...

anyways..m3 i agree with fnf on this one...i am catholic too...was even a catechist for my kids for 9 years.....this is not a hard rule, this is subjective to opinion....and this is not a sin....if this were a sin, confession wouldn't exist...people say things in confidence all the time to others....youre not keeping your mouth shut about a crime, although priests will if it were said during confession, knowing that someone else could be killed, the priest cannot even tell the police if they know of a crime about to be committed....because its unethical because its confession and that vow of silence means more then human life...go figure...then human life in the forms of embryo's takes on yet another dimnesion in the catholic chuch...

somewhere along the line m3 you need to do what is right in your heart..the pure heart, the one that is connected to your consious....the one that defines what you can and cannot live with it...

o.k. i will step off that soapbox now..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, fnf and miracle this came from our pastor. He's a different priest and less hard core than my friend. They're all hard core here though, LOL, they just started letting girls be altar servers about 4 years ago.

Ok, this is lawyer speak and they use different words but the idea is the equivalent in criminal law of being an accessory after the fact. So, I'm culpable too for not telling, since it outing the A is the best way to stop it if they go underground and continue it I did not do all I could do to end it. Essentially, I am lying to my friend as well.

I do agree with him. That doesn't mean I will tell. I'm still confused.

While I don't advocate contacting OW in general, I really think the thing I'm most comfortable doing is to contact her and simply let her know that if I D I will tell her BH and that if I ever run into him in person I will also tell him. And let her decided whether she wants to confess.

I think that satisfies my obligation in the kindest way possible. I think their A is stopped -- so I won't lie to her BH about why I don't see him anymore, if it ever comes up, and I also will warn him if I D that my WH may become a problem for him again. It seems fair.

I'd love to do something much more vindictive, but I won't. Being bipolar and wanting my kids, I can't have any ammo out there for why I might be a loose cannon.

Laura -- that doesn't count as catching him. And whether or not it was your whole marriage or *just* 10 years doesn't matter, it's LTA either way. SO what matters is what he does now. You have to process the pain and then evaluate whether it's likely to recur.

No fun -- my Dday was the same day the Tiger and Elin story came out. I didn't even notice the story.

Ironically, WH and I were laughing at a story in the Onion about Tiger last night -- the story was making fun of ESPN saying Tiger had hit rock bottom -- qualifying it with "if you discount that he's worth 600+million$ and has a yacht, private jet, still ranked #1 ... etc.

And while infidelity isn't funny -- that story cracked me up. Because cheating is realtively socially acceptable so other than having to shell out $ to his XW, what is he really going to suffer? So be it. Her heart was broken and now she's wiser and a whole lot richer. She could have had her heart broken by some broke schmo instead -- so yes, I feel empathy and identify, but trust me, Elin is going to be just fine. Better than fine.

I feel depressed today, but really it's just SAD. Different things and sometimes are so similar that I have to remind myself that I'm *not* depressed, I'm SAD. Depressed is medical -- SAD is, sad.

Hugs to all.

ETA -- I totally just changed my mind. I'm most comfortable telling my BH friend if I run into him in person or if WH and I D. I really don't want ANYTHING to do with OW.

[This message edited by m334455 at 12:40 PM, August 26th (Thursday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The discussion of notifying BS's is resonating with me today. I have my sich with BIL posted in R looking for advice if anyone has suggestions. I would really like FWW to confess to her sister, but I do not see that happening, at least not in the near future.

btw, I called and spoke with my parents last night to update them. They continue to be supportive, and shared a family story I had not heard before involving alcoholism and FOO isses, at least not the details. Ends up there is a book published about part of it by a person involved. I ordered a copy from Amazon last night.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:56 PM, August 26th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BIL OTOH, I would love to do things I am not allowed to write about in Reconciliation since he is an OP.

ATS - figured you might be able to tell us here if you want to. Other than outing him to your SIL, what kind of things??
If you don't want to share I understand but I thought I'd give you the opportunity if you did want to get something off your mind.
Btw, your parents sound awesome. It seems that they are able to be completely supportive and yet not take a negative attitude toward your WW in case the two of you are able to R. My mother has been that way too and I have really appreciated her ability to do that. I'm not sure if I would be able to if someone hurt one of mine like this but I hope if I ever had to I will follow my Mom's example.
As to whether or not to out your BIL, I do think this would create so much turmoil for the family and make R even harder than it has been lately. As long as you are 100% sure (but is that a possiblity really ) that their involvement has ended, I would give this some time and a lot of thought. What has your IC said about this?? Very, very tough call. (((ATS)))
I feel depressed today, but really it's just SAD. Different things and sometimes are so similar that I have to remind myself that I'm *not* depressed, I'm SAD. Depressed is medical -- SAD is, sad.

Either way, these feelings are so overwhelming sometimes. I never knew what true depression was until d-day (actually it hit when my H finally admitted to 8 years of a LTA). But deep sadness can be just as incapacitating, IMHO. So, M3, be very good to yourself today. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to accomplish anything other than enjoying that beautiful baby of yours. Order pizza, serve it on paper plates, and sit and rock Baby Paddy and read cute and playful books to the older ones and once your H gets home, go in and take all the time you need to regroup in whatever way you find most relaxing.
(((((((M33)))))))
ETA - Miracle so glad you enjoyed my little joke.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 2:49 PM, August 26th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello tribe.
Unlurking today to welcome Laura to the group nobody wants to join. This group is a wise and supportive one although of course we wish we didn't gain our wisdom so personally.

Belated birthday greeting Honest! I'm glad your boys take after you and made you happy on your special day.

There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about his LTA, and the OW. H seems to just go on like nothing has ever happened. He says he never thinks about the A nor OW until I bring it up. It must be nice!

I didn't see any Tiger Woods news but I know this would have triggered me as it has in the past. Our oldest son and our son-in-law are avid golfers so his infidelities came up at the dinner table, spoiling the evg for me.

This could be a conversation here also. In fact it was the other night! Despite having had a pretty good summer... travelling, date nights, enjoying our 'local' grandson yet missing our 'long distance' one (we 'Skype' but at 17 months he's not too sure of the concept yet), bittersweet family occasions: sis-i-l's memorial service, a visit from the UK cousins she left her estate to and birthday celebrations without her... still his A is always just below the surface for me. I think I need for him to acknowledge my pain and he wants to forget all about it. It is a very sore spot for me that our relationship recovery has often taken a back seat to my inlaws' needs. It makes me feel like the taken-for-granted doormat again. I find myself wanting to 'shake things up' and make him show me some remorse. then I feel guilty... like I should apologize to him when he is the one who betrayed me!

he doesn't read, get him books on tape... or tape record your voice reading aloud from the healing library... and tell him he doesn't have to read, just listen and then tell him to keep playing the recordings til he understands what they say... and then let it be

IwaM: do you think this would work for my H 3 1/2 yrs after D-day? I have printed and given him many articles from the Healing Library. I have written him letters and received no response even after mentioning them much later. I guess I'm not at all good at planting seeds or need a better method. I'll read what you shared with us again.

Tryn: I know you advocate Retrouvaille but ironically my H and I attended Marriage Encounter on Valentine's wkend in '81 and were part of a 'circle' for a couple of years but dialoging hasn't been a part of our marriage for quite some time & Unfortunately there are no Retrovaille wkends in our province. Thanks for the refresher re: dialog though.

time to think about dinner (and so some wifely chores - empty dishwasher, fold laundry, general tidying) before H gets home.

{{{LTA}}}


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