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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yea, the boat joint property and there will not be enough money for me to buy her out. By my folks beating the best price by $100 the are insuring I do not lose it. They will use it for some race comittee work, withme driving, but they are insuring I do not loose it. W will get half what they pay for it and they no in this economy I will not get much for it.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm thinkin that you both went nite/nite...i hope you both sleep well, and have pleasant dreams...

((((honest & ats)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam, I am 5 miles off shore and headingout. The storm passed, there islightening all around on the horizon. It is calm with a comortable breeze.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a big comfortable bean bag, padded foredeck. and beach towels for blankets. The boat is rocking gently. I had aswim, water is 83 degrees.

I spent an evening online and irl with nice people.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys.....
I am away on vacation and checked into LTAs and what do I find? hundreds of messages and posts to catch up on! It's taken me such a long time to catch up and read everything.
Wow! is all I can say...
is there a full moon out there?

Allgood....
I want to send out a long distnace hug to you... having to deal with all of the triggers of last year's d-day is tough. And, having your 'antiversary' of d-day surrounded by the same people and in the same location as last year would be way too much for me.
My strategy for dealing with d-day anniversaries and real life wedding anniversaries over the past 3 years has been to stay really busy and to do different and new things. I tried to go away on our wedding anniversaries just so that I would not be bale to think as much...
so.. having to deal with all of that explains all of your tears this past week...
I hope your husband understands how painful this antiversary is...and is able to comfort you.

Honest...
so sorry that you are upset as well. Of course, you would be with your WH (the bigamist) planning on returning to the USA and acting as if all is well....and he will pick up with you and the kids as if nothing is going on...
Yikes..how screwed up is that?
You need to remind yourself ...over and over... that you are not the crazy one...he is....
you are not in the wrong...he is...
and..you need to try to be kind to yourself...everyday..try to do one nice thing for yourself.
You are a prime example that bad things do happen to good people... life is like that...
but, have faith... you can survive this and thrive...
the best is yet to come for all of us! that is my prediction!

Nofun...
I was glad to hear that your husband was not adverse to hearing about Retrouvaille.
I think that you will be able to sell him on the idea...one weekend to try to save and improve your marriage... no public confessions involved..just listening and then private sharing... the worst case scenario...it doesn't help and you are back to where you are now... best case scenario... it does help and changes and improves your marriage the way so many past participants say it has helped them...

forgive and forget..
I know that feeling..of wondering how we could have been so foolish to begin with? in marrying our WS ?
well, we were young, naive, we saw only the best in them..could not predict the future..we went in with the best intentions...nothing to feel foolish about really...our WS are the ones that should feel like total losers..they're the ones that screwed up...

Miracle... after reading that heartbreaking story of your husband's abusive behavior toward you..well, there are no words...
I am so sorry for what he has put you through.
He and the OW are obviously very, very troubled,toxic, sick individuals...
they both know NOTHING about true love and devotion....
if they had any NORMAL emotions for each other they would have acted upon them! I would not categorize their relationship as a 'love' relationship..it was far from it.. it was a sick, toxic relationship. Neither one wanted to marry the other and build a life together...instead they fed on each other's toxicity and sickness.. there was some kind of need in both of them to have this destructive and hurtful thing go on for years and years.. sick...toxic...hateful..not at all loving...
and you know what? not particularly sexy either... sick..
Now.. the question is... can your husband get healthy? Is that possible at this point in his life? can he turn things around? or is it too late?
and..Miracle...you know what you need to do for yourself..you need to keep yourself healthy and sane...your kids need you...

mm3....
LTAs are crazy...and most people IRL cannot understand us trying to R at all...
It's one of those things that unless you have experienced it you cannot understand it....
I think that what all of us are grappling with is the realization that the men and women we married were much more sick and screwed up then we ever imagined....
Having a ONS is one thing..but, the person that can carry on a LTA is sick...
whether it's due to alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, bipolar, Borderline personality, Narcissism, sexual addiction...a combination of the above... all of the possible reasons for LTAs are all some kind of mental illness...
so... now on top of being traumatized by finding out about a LTA we as BS now begin to realize that our spouses have some real psychological problems....
so.. what we are trying to do when we ask them the questions about the affair and the OW/OM...and their feelings about the marriage during the affair years...what we are trying to do is figure out how crazy they were... and if thee is any hope for change in the future... can this WS snap out of the behavior? learn from the past? be motivated to save the marriage? be motivated to get help? be motivated to do the hard work needed for real change to occur both in themselves and in the marriage? those are the questions we are really asking them.....

also...mm3...
I totally understand about wanting to out the OW...
why should she get off scott free when your whole life is turned upside down?
I did out the OW..to her husband... to co-workers... to the boss... to other superiors...
she did have quite a bit of fall out and repercussions...
I still fantasize about contacting her in person... and letting her know what a complete laughingstock she is at work.. this woman really thinks of herself as this femme fatale... (you have to see a picture of her to truly understand how sick she is!LOL) but really everyone at work now sees her for the pathetic, desperate, old, whore she is........
so..you have my permission to do whatever to out the OW...it's the truth ..why not tell it?


ats....there is so much to say... I am so sorry for what your WW is putting you through....
I really do think that she is a SA... read the Kasl book..I'm sure you will see your wife in it.
Most female SA were abused as children or abandoned by their fathers as children.
They never learn how to have normal relationships with men...
they push the 'nice' guys away and instead pursue meaningless sexual hook ups with the worst guys possible...
are they recreating their childhood abuse?
or trying to empower themselves by using sex as a tool to control men?
are the good guys too nice? and therefore there's the risk that they will fall in love with the nice guy... so they need to push the nice guy away....?falling in love means losing control and power....
flirting and coming on to strange men and feeling like you have them in the palm of your hand..if only for that night..seems more powerful than being in a strong, healthy relationship...
ats... all you can do at this point is take care of yourself and do the 180...
she needs IC badly...and..it can't be the same IC that you go to see....
she needs someone who knows about SA...not every therapist does...
you need someone to be an advocate for you...
and Xanax can't hurt either.. stress is a killer.. do whatever you can to de-stress.. yoga is good...
karaoke is too but too much alcohol is not the way to go..
as for your kids.. they heard what they heard... it is not your fault. Your WW is a sick woman... sounds like she has been for quite some time...
tell your kids you love them and that you will always be there for them whether you and your wife stay together or not..
Now..about the seperation in the same house... I am not a fan of that.
If you want to go NC ..implement the 180 ...to really get her to hit bottom and/or to help yourself detach frim the insanity...well, you can't do it under the same roof.
the craziness will continue and will be more harmful to the kids and to you in the end...
better to spend the money on seperate living arrangements ...

I hate to say this out loud..but, I just have this weird feeling that your wife could be fishing for a new affair... just some of the vibes that she is sending...
this sudden independence, etc.
could there be a new man in her sights that is giving her this false sense of bravado?


Tryin...glad to hear that things are still on target for you and yours...
Stay strong and stay the course...

as for me...
I have my ups and downs..
I am enjoying our vacation..
this is part of my husband's amends to me... taking me on lavish vacations...
it's working to an extent... it does help to be in new environments away from home..
however, I have to be honest..that eventhough I am over 3 and 1/2 yrs post d-day and my husband is basically doing cart wheels to make it up to me... I still think of the LTA every single day...much of the day..
I do have some hours that I actually do manage to put it out of my mind... progress, I guess..but, it sits there in my brain...always ready to jump out...
LTAs suck...they really do...
the damage is immeasureable...
hugs to all


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480... nice post you made… I'm glad you are having a nice vacation.

Ast… you were never going to “fix” your W… I’ve come to learn that none of us can “fix” spouses that cheat. They must “fix” themselves. All we can do is make sure we are being the best person we know how to be. I find zero faults with you for making a decision to D. Sometimes, this is the best way to find happiness. Do not fear my friend…Make it so… and also know that it is OK for you to try and R again if you so desire.

Iwant… My vision about Paper’s art has this meaning to me… she has climbed that steep cliff to a greener, grassier ledge, one that has a real rose. She took that damn paper rose and made a paper airplane, tossing that history back into the sea. From this ledge, there are always going to be another mountain to climb, another ledge to find.

I read a book called Sex on the Brain by Daniel G Amen I wanted to share with us all today…

When the brain works right, it helps you be thoughtful, playful, romantic, intimate, committed, and loving with your partner. When the brain is dysfunctional, it causes you to be impulsive, distracted, addicted, unfaithful, angry and even hateful, thus ruining chances for continued intimacy and love.

As I think about times before my dday, my brain was almost always healthy. Today, I take pride in the fact I have always made good decisions in my life. Those good decisions have always made me happy and kept my healthy brain. I’m sure my W’s brain was not healthy and it is no wonder she told me she was not happy. It was because of the poor choices, decisions she made. We can make good healthy decisions and up to ourselves to make those decision and choices. Today, I continue to do only things I can control and make good decision that only I can do… Today, I know life is about loving and being loved…. and I am going protect my own happiness at any and all cost from now until my death.

Just a few of my own important boundaries…
- I will never cheat on my W, my kids, my family by starting any close emotional relationship with another woman.
- I will not accept my W in any way to have a close relationship with a male and will communicate my feelings only should instincts take hold of me.
- I will try with all my power to avoid anger and control it within and I will not accept being married to someone angered.
- Distractions.. I will try with all my power to listen to my W when she is talking to me and I will not accept being married to someone that will not listen to me.
- I will make regular attempts to be romantic every week and, I will not accept someone not romantic to me.
- I will be thoughtful, give affirmation, and gifts of love everyday and I will not accept anyone who cannot do the same for me
- I will try and make every week playful in some way.
- I will communicate only my “feelings” when conflict enters my life and allow God to guide my fate.
- I will pick myself up and forge on when I make a mistake and will not be married to anyone that cannot forgive me.
- And the toughest of all boundaries I have… I will overcome all my fears and make the tough healthy decisions for my own happiness.

Right now.. I’m pretty happy and sharing some things that I have discovered in my life's journey with all you fine folks... I pray all can find what I have found.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:44 AM, August 21st (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: I'm still in denial. Is this for real? Didn't you say your wife seemed happy? -I admit - I've been reading quickly- maybe I misunderstood.
I see everything you have been going through & that it is certainly very real on your end. I'm glad you had someplace to go. Sometimes I look at divorced people I know and how they moved on & are much happier now. Maybe you know of some IRL people that could provide you with some hope for a happier future.
Idk - I wish you well.

Well, I'm off to Trigger City tomorrow & I haven't packed a thing. I also failed to call the Hotel to see if we could leave today instead. There's a subconscious message there...
Anyoo - I will check in tonight - but that will be it for about a week.
So, thank you NJGal & everyone else for your support - I have tried to explain to my H what he could do to help, I have no idea if he "gets it" or not. His continued reliance upon humor to distract my pain is just not working - which I've told him - I just hope he steps up.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am over 3 and 1/2 yrs post d-day and my husband is basically doing cart wheels to make it up to me... I still think of the LTA every single day...much of the day..

njgal - I believe I will think about this LTA for the rest of my life. At first I thought that if I got rid of H, the thoughts of the A would go away. I'm not so sure about that though.

Last night I went out with H, another couple and we met up with my daughter, her BF and a couple of their guy friends. We were at a local restaurant/bar/pool table/darts, etc.
I was watching my FWH and DD27 interact. I can always see the disgust in my daughter's face while she is talking to her dad. It's always there, constant. She gets very sarcastic towards him and the next thing I know, she tells him he is a hypocrite and she kept repeating it until he put his head down. (I couldn't hear what prompted her to say it) No matter what he says to her, she does not believe him and she makes it known to him. She told me she loves him because he is her father, but she has lost all respect for him. This is the daughter that kept telling me something was going on and that she thought he had a girlfriend and that I needed to do something about it. It's sad to see how LTA's affect the whole family, not just the BS's. Does anybody else have these issues with their children? or adult children?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: I'm still in denial. Is this for real? Didn't you say your wife seemed happy?

It is painfully real for me.
I am not sure what happened, neither is she. A few weeks ago their was a disconnect and we have not recovered. The truth is there was never a marriage to recover, and there is too much hurt and uncertainty (on her side) about wanting a marriage to enable the painful work necessary to build one.

She seemed happy yesterday, and bought fish for an aquarium I recently set up for her. I noticed the fish when I was looking at our large aquariums this morning to think about what needs to be done to drain and sell them.

I texted her this morning to ask if we can identify some furniture (big pieces)to start to sell now that neither of us is going to want or have room for after the D.

I had a good time last night. Early on I missed having W with me, but it turned out to be a great time. She has an event tonight that would have been fun to attend, she wants me to, but I cannot take going out withh her as a friend right now and then still deal with what I need to do.

I know that I will need to do all of the work for the D. She would be happy with the status quo, no sex, someone to talk to, no painful discussion becasue she will just spew venom at me or withdraw. Football games start in two weeks. I feel silly driving to them seperately and sitting seperately from her to watch DS14, but think that will be more comfortable.

I guess I really need to get to the attorney this week so we can get a seperation agreement and then I can look for an option to move out. I had never really thought about what dismantling a 20 year M entails. We have so much crap stored everywhere. Who gets "custody" of the Christmas cut outs we made? I need to accellorate the project I wass doing to scan in all the photos too so we do not have to worry about dividing them.

Honest, how are you doing this morning?

njgal480,

that eventhough I am over 3 and 1/2 yrs post d-day and my husband is basically doing cart wheels

this, essentially is my problem. W has gone NC with OM, and done some counselling. That is really the limit of her efforts. She says she is trying, but what that entails is more wrong behavior of telling me what she thinks I want to hear, supressing her feelings, etc.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning tribe,

tryn thanks for the explanation...so that is a vase holding a rose behind her if i understand correctly (i do't always understand, )...i love the symbolism of it...

have i told you lately how happy that i am for you that you got your lion back...


njgal: when the thoughts come, YOU are the one who needs to push them away, you need to busy yourself, make a call, read, something to distract you...maybe allow yourself some time during the day, everyday if you must to think about it and then start retraining yourself to think of something else..even here at si, delve into someone elses sich...where you are not concentrating on your own...and finally "see" what you have NOW...and try and learn to appreciate what you have NOW....not an easy task but so worth the investment....


allgood: we will be thinkin bout ya and prayin...mostly for peace of heart....and mind....and soul...and finally body...

and humor is probably all he's got right now...the man has not developed any other tools, he has not evolved as of yet, he is still very much a work in progress....tell him exactly what you need, be clear, to the point almost factual about it...when i feel ____i need you to ______and when anything else occurs to make me feel uneasy, sad, hurt or angry i need you to _________and once i tell you what i need you need to do it...

and for anything else, plant those seeds...(((allgood)))


ats: it feels like you are moving sooo fast now....and i get the feeling that your wife has lost it on some level, she is not processing what she needs to process and instead choosing to run away from it, and you represent i think too much right now to her....i dont know ats, she just doesn't sound stable....she is asking for a d and then asking you to do things with her...that is not rational...its like she wants all the benefits when she wants them and only then, otherwise she wants to be left alone...life doesn't work that way...


as for who gets what...you have a son to consider here, who he stays with get the brunt of stuff for him...he needs a little change as possible, his world is about to go upside down and inside out....he needs as much stability as possible and that includes seeing the things...otherwise the loss will be greater then it needs to be and the loss is already huge...(((ats)))


honest: i hope you are being good to YOU today....check in later and let us know how you are...and maybe vent a bit...(((honest)))

fun: when you wrote of your dd, i see my own dd...she too looks at her dad with disgust, he cannot say anything without her seeing red...he not only cannot do anything right but he cannot earn her respect...and to add to it he keeps messing up with the easy stuff that should be easy but still tells who he is..like a phone call from a telemarketer, he lied to the man and hangs up the phone and looks at us sitting around the table and says "wow, i shouldn't have lied to the guy, i should have just told him the truth""i dont know why i didn't tell him the truth"...for gods sake this was a nobody and he cannot tell the truth...and this is what he admits to my kids.... ....i am beginning to believe that this is a losing battle..but it still a battle i am allowing him to do from inside the home...if he leaves the battle would be lost i think forever, even though i am sure it will end up there anyway...i guess i just want more for my kids...and also more then i myself had with my own dad...oh well, we cannot save them from everything...

so fun, you guys went out, so i guess this means he is feeling better, and your duties as nurse have abated i hope...

i hope all have a good day, i will not be around til late tonite...leaving in an hour or so with the family to go visiting...i hate the drives...too much time to think and when we pass certain locales...well lets just say the ch and rks overtime...need to practice what i preach and push those thoughts away...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - I'm in the basement sneaking on SI like an addict....lol...

Real quick: Ats - I agree with Miracle - your wife doesn't seem to be processing this at all. I thought it was weird that she was happy. Even people who want a divorce, go thru Hell to get a divorce - when I finally call them to tell them it's final - a lot of them are still sad....

That your wife just asked you to go out with her is just remarkable - I have a feeling that she is going to have the mother of all meltdowns when you actually move out. What sucks is that you are going to go through all this agony while she is sitting in denial and then I bet when you've dropped a ton of money making HER wish happen she's gonna be sobbing like a child telling you to stay.

Is she still going to go to IC? For herself at least?

Ok - I seriously have to pack now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood, I do not know what IC she will do or not. B4 the fight she scheduled MC in place of IC. Not much sense in MC now.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwant - the good thing is your kids are in family therapy. My 2 daughters had none, my son went to therapy when he was a teen because of father son issues which were never resolved because my H was and is still selfish. He was not an involved father. My son is trying to get his attention and approval.

Hopefully your children will fare better than mine. Two of them keep things bottled inside and the other (middle daughter) lets it out.

I'm finally not playing nurse anymore. I can't even say the word nurse (OW was a nurse). Grrrr....

Have a good weekend tribe!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She just asked if I was going with her tonight. I told her I was not comfortable going out together with us D-ing. She turned with a suprised look and said she thought we were still going to MC and working things out. I have no idea where she got that, that is not the conversation I remember.

The discussion thenshifted to happy news. Her parents are sending $5k to help with DS college expenses this year.

I am waiting for a Xanax to kick in, what do I do? How could we he this far off on expectations?



LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats, so much of what you described of your WW's behavior is describes WH's:

She would be happy with the staus quo, no sex, someone to talk to, no painful discussion becaues she will just spew venom at me and withdraw.

Sounds like my WH, (except WH still wants sex, although he claims he was never satisfied with the quality or quantity of our sex life)

I guess it's just the classic that they don't want to face anything and let's keep going on as if everything is ok.

Ats, just take it slow. I know you want to take action, but D is a process like anything else. You also have to keep in mind where DS will live. You would want a lot of things (like the Christmas decorations, etc) to stay in the home where he will live. If it was just you and WW, you could just split everything, but that would not be the case with your DS involved.
Yes, you will have to do the work, but slow down a bit and not just act on emotion.

NJgal: thank you for your wonderful and thoughtful post. WH still talks as though everything "will be the same", yet he barely calls, it's like I'm talking to an aquaintance...He asks how I am, and if I'm stupid enough to fall into the trap, he doesn't seem to care one iota about my feelings or anything to do with me. OMG, I just had a AHA moment! It feels as though I'm talking to a friend's husband....you know....you've known them for a long time, you know things about each other, you ask polite questions.....
WOW, how painful.....
I have been thrown under the bus....a long time ago and just didn't know it. I think WH has just been trying to let me off easy. Slow torture of detaching.

Nofun: How ackward and painful to see DD know and hurt herself. If my DS's show any hurt or anger, WH blames ME because of how I'm acting!! Hang in there. I'm glad to see WH seems to feel better enough to go out, so your nursing duties are less.
I hope that someday you and WH and DD can talk.

Allgood: I'm sending you hugs for this trip. I know how painful antianniversary can be. I know how frustrating it must be if WH's response is humor when you want him to be serious. It's probably the only way he knows how to deal with pain, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt him.
Try to enjoy this trip as much as humanly possible.

Miracle: I hope you have a wonderful day, despite having to sit through a long drive and possibly traffic.

Tryn: I read through your list of boundaries, and my WH fails miserably on each and every item. <sigh>
I think I have been trying to save an illusion. I guess I don't know what is real anymore.
I have to take more of your advice and read more, and work on myself. I try so hard, then somehow WH intrudes on me either in my thoughts or feelings or he calls to tell me how he is renting our house, and what his plans are, as though I don't exist or have a say. I guess I just feel I've lost all control. I am still trying to control myself, and I lost control of myself completely last night.


Thank you everyone. I am trying so hard to find internal validation for myself, but it seems like it is always being stolen away somehow....I guess, Tryn, that is what is meant by "boundaries"....to keep yourself healthy.

{{{{{Tribe}}}}


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats and nofun, we were cross posting.

ats, it seems your WW was talking out of emotion and doesn't even remember what was said. You took her talk of D as how she really feels, but it seems that your WW will talk how she feels AT THE MOMENT.

Right now, you have to make the decision FOR YOU. Not how she feels, or if she is willing to R or not. She is unstable and doesnt' know what she wants.

Perhaps you may want to take a day or two on your boat without WW to think it over, don't be angry at her. It seems she can't help it. You have to decide for you.

Setting things up and putting your ducks in a row is ok for now anyway. You were focusing on things to do than the real issue.

Take your time and decide if you are done or not. GO BY YOUR GUT this time!!!! Not just emotions or just intellectually.

Post here, talk to people IRL. Take your time to decide what you want to do.

{{{{Ats}}}

Nofun, you are in my thoughts.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault... you are such a sweet person. Of course you are depressed... That is what happens after what you've been through. Now it is time for you to takes some steps forward.. To get out of it, you must take Iwant up on the lay'n by the pool and have her fix you one of those Chocolate concoctions! Set yourself some new boundaries.. once a week, you are going to do something for yourself! Take a walk at the park... Make something... start a new hobby and do it every week... Sign back up to school (ask you H for some funds to finish) It really is up to you. That's your new boundary.. Can you do that?

ast.. I'm sure the end for your W is going to be very painful for her too. You can alway reconsider... THere is no rules that say you cannot try one more time.

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:23 PM, August 21st (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am on my phone so i will have to be short. ATS - your Ww Is either playing stupid to manipulate you or she really does not remember. either would be indicative of a really messed up person.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstly, ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

Next, you all are right, she is messed up.

I told her we needed to talk. I explained what I heard, she told me what she heard. Lot's of defensive "no, I told you that" in the discussion. The discussion began to feel familiar. She will take pieces from 3 or 4 discussions and assemble them into supporting her position, or selective hear parts of the whole. Further, regarding talking about the trip before she went, she texted me to say I was invited, I replied I am staying home for DS14's band event. She took that as being the discussion and ordered her tickets.

This is all not right, and all very typical WW.

I also found what set this all off 3-4 weeks ago. she has been telling nme what she thinks I want to hear. She has been resentful that she does not get to say how she feels. I am sure I picked up on the words not matching the behavior, and that set off my trust alarm.

So I am torn. Yes the discussion was messed up, but then her being messed up is not new information. She denies it, but it was the scared little girl I was arguing with that night. When I picked up my glass to through at the far wall (yes, I know, not my best moment), she thought I was going to hit her with it. Later that night she gathered up every glass in the house and put them in the trash. She was proud that she did not pour all of our liquor down the sink this time.

As for further MC and goals, she wants to learn to have an emotionally intimate loving relationship, and she wants that to be with me, she does not know if she can, but that is waht she wants. MC may actually be a good step, as he can act as an honest broker to facilitate some of the difficult issues we are going to have to get in to, like her fighting with her entire abusive past when she is mad at me. Her continuing to withdraw and not provide the signals we have agreed to.

I am going to the event with her tonight, I do not consider us to be in R. I am going to hope for the best as I prepare for the worse. I will continue to pursue the administrative side to the D. Get a seperation agreement prepared, inventory all the accounts and stuff, continue to seperate out the money and finances, etc. I am writing out the boundaries she accepted today. In addition to sex, focused time and touching, MC, this includes she is staying with her parents on the trip, not at the hotel with everyone else. I can call on the landline to talk to her at the condo.

I am not optimistic. The love is gone for me right now, we will see what happens. I felt a sense of control with the D, and I liked that. She knows better than to say the exact words, but it keeps sounding like if Atsenaotie would just be a better person, evgerything could be OK.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O Ats...

I don't know what to say. The only thing I have a definite opinion about is that I do not understand how in the middle of all this crap you are going out with her tonight?

As to your wife's behavior - it seems like you are going in with eyes wide open.

And - how is your son? (It is a son, right?) What did your W say to him while you were gone? Your W may have been out of her mind - but your son certainly wasn't - and I know you said they were texting each other a lot - what's going on with that?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

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