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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3:

Sunshine didn't break his nose. Sunshine broke WH's nose.

whew! glad to hear this...and good for sunshine, kind of a good lesson to ws getting in his face that way!!!

I'm sad to say I yelled at our 3 year old too. But not like THAT. I still suck.

no you don't suck....we all have been there, you cannot be a parent and not go there....but there are ways you go there and then there are the ways never to go there!!!



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Thanks to all of you. Gotta keep chugging here at work. Obviously, I need my job more than ever.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I understand what you mean that if DS reconciles with fiancee I will have to deal with the mother. But, I really don't understand why I should apologize? I mean, I can say I am sorry for thier hurt and that DS caused the hurt, but I didn't do anything wrong. DS gave me the impression that he and the fiancee were over when he brought the gf to my house.

Sorry, but this whole sitch has gotten me crazy.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest - I am so sorry about your son...it's not your fault...you did nothing wrong. Your son is an adult, it's his cross to bare and I know that you are hurting because of it. Moms hurt when their children hurt. Thanks for asking about H, he goes in Thursday for surgery. I'm on that roller coaster ride again where I'm not feeling guilty if he croaks. God help me!!!

I'm wanting to run away from my kids, my work, my husband, where nobody knows me. I'm having a pity party for myself tonight.

Plus, I can't keep up with you guys so I apologize. I've been reading what everyone is going through but I can't comment. The wine bottle it looking really good tonight!

Just know I appreciate everyone's posts. You are all such a great bunch.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun: I have your WH and you in my prayers. It must be so hard to have to wait and have such conflicting emotions.
{{{{Nofun}}}}

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest i misunderstood. i thought you knew he was still with fiancee when he brought gf to the house. my bad

hugs nofun and husband

i see new ic in the am


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Hi nofun, Speaking of the wine bottle, I am drinking a Chilean cab tonight. Cheap and thin, just like I like my women

honesttoafault, so sorry you are in the position you are with your DS. Geesh I agree that taking a break from both until he figures himself out is a good plan.

Hi UKgirl, nice to see a post from you, sorry you are so down. I cannot imagine the resentment that reliving WS's stress with a massage during an A would cause, but then maybe I do

Iwam, I understand your post on BS healing ourselves, and I agree completely, though FWW was able to help me understand things that help with my healing. My reference to takes two to R is in healing the M.

I have an IC scheduled tomorrow, nothing like thinking about what you need to talk about to kill a night. FWW has been making references to only living for another 10 years or so. I will be really pissed if I am going through all of this and she is dies before I am even ready to retire. We picked up her repaired and cleaned engagement ring, it looks great. She wondered if one of the boys would want to use it for an engagement ring, and I pointed out she would need to be dead. She replied that is not unrealistic. So now I am worrying there is a medical thing I do not know about, and that is why she is doing R.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 good luck with the new ic


fun: do the bottle tonite, but give it a rest tomorrow nite...otherwise on thurs you will have to deal with more then his biopsy.. ....

and do keep us posted on what happens...

((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Paper Roses
♀ Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All...
I have been busy discussing and thinking about how much I have changed since d-day...today. Anniversary is 8/31..so am reviewing. I am such a different person. Very much has changed, I have, my H has and our marriage has. Some has been for the good but most has been not...do not believe what you read about it getting better...it gets bearable for some...better...I think is reaching..just my opinion though.

It would be difficult to explain how I have changed..even after thinking about it all day but suffice to say that I am accepting it as the new me..the new him and the new us. Acceptance...is coming...it has been a long time in coming..let me tell you! I have been kicking and screaming for ..years! I like what ..forgive me if my memory is wrong...I think ats said..."can't we just be ok now" or something to that effect? I am beginning to get to the place where I FEEL ok much of the time...and when I do not feel ok...I feel ok about that.

UK..I understand what you said..about withholding..message and other things that were exploited during the affair and therefore cheapened. I still feel that way about many things and may always...that is my right.

Honest...very difficult to be going through this from the perspective of the mother ..please do not blame yourself. Everyone must make their own decisions and do remember that 60% or 70% of people make the decision that your son has made. Not your fault, just a normal part of the culture we live in. I hope you can find peace.

Miracle and AllGood...I am just so impressed again.with how succinctly Miracle has stated her points to you regarding the steps you are taking to heal your relationship, AllGood! She seems to know your sitch really well and has so much hope for you.

It IS such a long journey and I am nearing the end of five years of hell...on the road to recovery..it is worth it but just barely..is all I can say. If you love him...you must try I guess...at least I had to try and here I am now ...pretty darn happy in spite of myself.

nofun, good luck on Thursday and do not feel guilty...been there done that.

I hope the new ic ios a good fit for you...it is the hardest thing in the world to make a decison like this. especially while you were pregnant and right after giving birth! You are getting stronger everyday! You are going to make the right decision! Oh and of course...I NEVER yelled at a 3 year old who had not napped in 3 days..right!
Give yourself a break!
good night


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
Paper Roses
♀ Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh that last paragraph (above) was for m3!


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all.

Fun - Good luck on Thursday.

Yes, Miracle knows my sitch verywell indeed. She's an excellent listener & always gives great advice.

Spoke with H last night. He actually contributed & wasn't defensive- it was actually pretty good.

Apparently he's not real happy right now because he sees all my mood swings & sees me moping around a lot. It never made sense to me that he thought I didn't have any feelings for him before & the relationship was dead & he apparently wasn't willing to try to work things out before or during the A - but now, when he KNOWS I have serious issues with him, he is willing to stay & work it out. He said he knows it's his fault so he wants to fix that. (I can't remember exactly what he said -but that was it more or less).
He says he just doesn't know what to do.

I asked him if he was happy during the A. He said he had fun when they went out, but it wasn't a real relationship. He really will do anything to avoid talking about OW - I decided to let it go.

Idk - we talked for about an hour. At the end I asked if he wanted to ask me a question & I was surprised that he did & he asked me how often I think about divorcing him.

I think that says a lot.

Anyway, end result is that we need a plan. I'm going to meet with his IC/ our MC asap & see what he proposes. I think we need to go back to MC - but as the scheduling is difficult right now - maybe I will have him go thru "Not Just Friends' with me. (Iwill have to hide all the nasty things I wrote in the book somehow...)
Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am such a different person. Very much has changed, I have, my H has and our marriage has. Some has been for the good but most has been not...do not believe what you read about it getting better...it gets bearable for some...better...I think is reaching..

((Paper Roses)) it just seems like there should be a better prize at the end of your 5 year long marathon.

Spoke with H last night. He actually contributed & wasn't defensive- it was actually pretty good.

good for you allgoodnamesaregone!!

I heard FWW leave early for Rotary. I texted her good morning, and rather than an empty ILY I spoke her language of services and cleaned the glass on the sliding doors. Now I have time for a leisurely cup of coffee until time to leave for IC.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PaperRoses: The antianniversary coming up is so hard. You are to be commended for coming through the long and arduous journey. Somehow, I think, that we may feel if we worked so hard at something, there should be a wonderful great reward, like the Cinderella "happily ever after". But, PaperRoses, you have come through and are healing. From what you said, you are often fairly happy. I think happiness is a goal we seek, but in reality, we can seek contentment, and feel happy in that contentment KWIM? I don't think I'm putting it very well.

Allgood: It seems like you and WH are coming to the same page: to really work together, make a plan, and to start the journey- together. Perhaps that is the commitment that both of you need to make: the commitment to try and work together. Perhaps that is the trust you can start with. Trust that you both know that each of you will give it your all, no matter what the end of the journey might bring. To take the chance that when both of you have worked your hardest, that the marriage may bloom, or it might not be be meant to be. This trust that at the end, you both will respect each other for the effort, no matter the outcome.
Maybe what I'm writing is unrealistic, but perhaps that is my wish, just for that opportunity to try and trust my WH would give it his all, just out of caring and some respect, if not for love.

Ats: Your wife's talking about not being around in 10 years, sounds like depression to me. It's not suicidal per se, but perhaps what a lot of us have felt, like not going on. Or perhaps she is feeling the depths of her guilt and the pain she has caused you and is having trouble dealing with it.

I really like how you took the time to think of what your wife's "Love language" is and tried to do something that she would appreciate!! That was a true loving gesture!!! She is really lucky to have you!!

nofun: you are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted.

M3: I'm sorry for the pain you are in now. Post here and vent as much as you need.

Miracle: thank you for your support and wisdom you share with everyone. I hope you are having a good day.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood....
You did that too?
I wrote all over 'Not Just Friends'...often pointing arrows at sections that I thought described my H and the MOW!!!!
My H was never able to bring himself to read ANY of the hundreds of Infidelity books I bought!
The one book he did buy and read was "How Can I Forgive You?"by Spring and he gave that to me to read... that was right after d-day....
At one point in the recovery process... I decided to get rid of all of my Infidelity themed books... I had 3 shopping bags full! I gave them to my therapist in the hope that she can use them as a lending library for her clients.....

Ats...about your wife's comments... it does sound like depression... those are the kind of thoughts I had....
kind of like... realizing how much time has passed and been wasted on the affair and post affair etc... and that there wasn't that much time left to finally get it right and enjoy a normal, healthy marriage....

but.. I have come to realize that whatever time we all have left we deserve to be happy and to be in healthy relationships...

and... commenting on Paper Roses....
in my case .. I am one of those whose post affair marriage is much better than the pre affair and pre d-day marriage.
My husband was a functional alcoholic throughout the marriage and I realize now that he really was avoiding any true intimacy in the marriage.....
someone on SI recently posted an article from Patrick Carnes about SA..and what is intimacy vs lack of intimacy...and it really did describe my husband...

after d-day... he made so many changes in himself...
internally... he got sober, went to AA, and went to IC...
and now, he really is a much better husband and partner on so many levels....

and yet, as illogical as it may sound....
I still mourn (on some level) my pre-d-day marriage... or more accurately my innocence...
I knew we had marriage problems, I knew he had alcohol problems, I wasn't really happy in the marriage the way it was... and yet... the extreme trauma that knowing about the LTA has caused me... is an experience that I sometimes wish had never happened...

and yet, I am the first to say that d-day ripped open our marriage and forced us to finally...after all these years have the marriage that we were supposed to have...
kind of like gutting a kitchen and completely renovating it...once and for all ...doing it the right way as opposed to trying to fix this and that and patch things over the years...
the demolition process is difficult and very dirty..and time consuming...but the end result is finally exactly what you wanted...

that's me.. in that completely renovated marriage...

(with occasional pangs of pain that just come at me out of nowhere it seems! so, its a long process)


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGirl:

I gave them to my therapist in the hope that she can use them as a lending library for her clients.....

There is no way in HELL I would turn over these books to anyone for fear that I would be committed.... (There are a lot of F-bombs in mycopy of Not Just Friends)

But - I am happy to hear your experience - I really have to start trying to keep the success stories in mind more often.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really have to start trying to keep the success stories in mind more often.

I think there really is a dynamic here where the couples who are able to successfully R "graduate" and only return from time to time for a sort of homecoming. This, unfortuantely, leaves an apparent lack of success from the constant wave of new people in the JFO, the folks stuggling in early R, and the people who are just not able to make it click.

For those who D as a part of their healing after dday, the new beginnings forum is a nice place to talk about the present and future without much focus on the A. For those who heal and successfully R, there is not such a place.

Given this dynamic, I am beginning to wonder, as TrynHard too has expressed, if some withdrawl from SI is useful to move towards R. Sort of "soloing" with the new tools and behaviors. I have a question to this effect over in the Reconciliation forum. At times, my participation with SI has felt a little like an EA, just all above the board.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal: I really liked your post and the analogies you made. The process and the journey is so difficult and painful. I am glad to hear that you have a better marriage now.

Ats: I wanted to tell you that you made the "quotes" thread in "Fun and Games"!

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats -- I think breaks might be OK -- but I also think you're getting a lot of encouragement that you probably need. Your R is going great.

I like my new IC. I will see him again later in the week. He diagnosed me with a case of "you're not crazy, your bipolar is perfectly under control and your husband is a dick."

He's going to talk to my old IC (they are best friends!) and also he wants to see WH next week. He said that is standard practice because it helps him to get the big picture about his patients. It also gives my WH a chance to "tell his side of the story" so to speak.

He said my problem is that I have a big problem that I need to resolve and I'm not resolving it.

He also said I've done all I can do unless WH does more. He said if WH does more, then there will be more work for me, but if WH won't do more, I've done all I can.

So, a good IC session.

Sorry again for misunderstanding Honest.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats -- I think breaks might be OK -- but I also think you're getting a lot of encouragement that you probably need.

Good point m334455, I am thinking that I will just stay out of the JFO and General sections for now, mostly.

Your R is going great.

Thank you, it feels … different.. with the drama mostly gone, no “big” issues to be proven or resolved.

He diagnosed me with a case of "you're not crazy, your bipolar is perfectly under control and your husband is a dick."

IC ended up being a little more intense than I expected. I am going to continue for a while with the goal of finding some ways to resolve intrusive thoughts, trust issues etc. One bad extreme is just ignoring them and "sweep". The other extreme is to go over all the thoughts and questions with FWW, not very conducive to R. My task is to find some in between techniques. Trust also needs some serious work.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC ended up being a little more intense than I expected.

Always is for me too! Today I needed lunch with my sister, a brownie, pound cake a vanilla latte and some new underwear to decompress

You're doing fabulous. You really are.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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