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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey tribe...

i am feeling better today, i went to the summer rec talent show this morn...my kids are counselers..and their kids were a joy to watch and at the end of the program was a surprise dance...and it was manchild doing all the single ladies with some of the other boy counselers...it was fun, funny and good all at the same time...its good to see manchild in a good light for a change, because his beat has not stopped for too much lately...

and yes i did talk to pfm, or i should say i talked at him...i was already emotional from replaying the story i reiterated for m3 the other day, and then i went on the pc and looked up ow#1...she has posted a picture..the first...and last nite while i was on the pc looking at her, mind racing, in walks pfm asking me something...i told him "look" and pointed at the screen..he barely looked, he couldn't look away fast enough and said, "SO"....well that didn't sit well with me, i wanted to see his face when he looked at her....so then asked him if it was good to see her again...did he miss her...i basically stooped down and lashed out, he wouldn't look at her again...said he was done with her, didn't think about her, only me yada yada yada...my mind wouldn't turn off at that point....he left the den...a while later, we were sitting in the living room and i let loose with with so much more..quietly though, much with lots of venom...i got ugly...and then he said "i didn't love her better then you"....well that was the straw...and i looked him in the eye and everything vile that he had done to me while loving her came out...or i should say a great deal of it, there is not enough time to do go through it all, and i told him he was a horrible husband.....that the one and only thing that i held onto through our marriage was that i was loved...and learning about "her" blew that up into a million pieces which are now my heart....

and it really is beating a dead horse, but i had to do it, i had to say it all and let it out, and i had to let it out to him....and still i held back, i had 3 teens somewhere in the house and could not raise my voice and scream when i really wanted too, i had to hold my hands back lest i strike at him...the anger was huge, the hurt a thousand times worse then the anger....so i left the room...it was all of a 15 minute encounter...and that 15 minutes was super charged emotion...

thankfully when i logged on to si last nite, ats was here, and when i thought i had nothing to give him, i did, i just did...whether or not it was helpful, made sense or anything it helped me to calm down, reaching out to ats felt like reaching out to myself...

i never did the love language book...is there such a thing as a love language of helping others....or was it just an escape from my life into his....right now i haven't a clue....

allgood: i will be sending many prayers to you for this trip...running is a great idea, and i also think you need to be very specific with mr allgood on what you need....if he knows how to help you through it, it will be instrumental for your healing....


ats: i think she is crossing a boundary, i disagree on punishments...we are adults, not children...but consequences from he crossing the line you set will be unavoidable...the worst consequences will be hindering your healing as a couple, maybe to the point of breakage, maybe not...but she needs to know from you that every time she does cross the lines, she takes a chance that the line will be the one that sets off the earthquake...and the destruction that it havocs may be irreversible...


m3: i forgot, is mr m3 in ic....he needs to be, and it needs to be mandatory...or i fear you will keep going round and round and round never really getting anywhere....and i think tryn's retrovaille might also be a good option as a starting point to learning how to communicate with each other....he needs to participate...


and fnf: i disagree on the ratio's...if you reach the point of reconcillitation AFTER dealing with all the fallout of the affair(s)...then you both need to do 100/100...and through all of it fallout included the ws must always be at 100%....if you cannot give your all to your marriage you really will not stand a chance in the longrun....someone will be slighted everystep of the way....

now that being said i do understand that sometime we do not have what it takes to do 100%...but those lulls need to be short, and compromise is in order...negotiation as to what each needs when your running on empty for whatever reason, whether it be an illness, job related, family difficulties..whatever it is....compromise and negotiation for those times...but only for those times...the goal for both needs to be 100/100....if both parties are giving it 100% then that is what you will both recieve...if one party is at 50%...where is the other 50% going...


....but that is for another time, laundry is calling...


((((tribe))))


eta: ats the pm feature on si is wonderful when you need privacy....and consider me a pm option if you need..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 12:41 PM, August 19th (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle. Thanks for clearing up the pms thing. I don't mind getting a pm, but I don't think I want pms. I am afraid it would confuse me just a little.

Helping others may not be a love language, but it does seem to have a positive effect on the helper as well as the help-eeee. (new word )

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I subconsciously did a little mini-shock therapy a la Tryn's suggestion.

I seriously didn't realize it when I was doing it - but H & I are going out tonight & I suggested we see a colleague of mine's band play. Then, I invited a mutual friend of the colleague & I to go (I did invite his wife as well & made it clear my H was coming) & this guy is the guy who is very flirty-flirty with me.

I'm curious - my H has never ever been jealous of me. Even when we were dating & he would see guys hitting on me he would never intervene - really didn't care about it - I mean- I guess he trusted me. Since we were married I've never given him a reason to be jealous - I'm either with him or our kids.
So, I'm curious as to what tonight will hold...
Wish me luck!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well good luck and have fun. Like an interview, even if you don't want the job, it can be nice to feel wanted. Let me know if it works. If so, I will invite a guy along with WW and I and try it

They are in their 70's, but any time I need support and options, my parents have been there. Tonight I got an option for dealing with this pending trip.

-Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: i think you are playing with fire....so be careful...while i understand the desire to invoke some jealousy, some of the shoe being on the other foot...it is not....and jealousy can be evil and ugly especially in person..its one thing to tell him about someone being flirty, quite another to witness it and especially this is a married man...it can backfire so tread lightly dear heart, tread lightly



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam, tsk, tsk. Looking at online photos of the OP. No good can come of that, and you would NEVER catch me doing that.

Actually, I get to look at online photos of them together.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I get to look at online photos of them together

in a way i am glad that there aren't any of these that i know of....i've already got enough mind movies...and mind pictures....seeing them together for real, idk...would make it all the more difficult i think..and either way my decision is made, its finding a way to accept it all is my issue..i want to let it all go...but i want him to suffer too ,..and her, and her, and her, and her, and any other her's that there might be...i love karma, that bus just doesn't come around soon enough for me right now...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle - I hear ya on the karma bus. When is it going to hit OW? I've resorted to the evil eye!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - sorry if I confused you with the ratio analogy. In my way of thinking I was using 100% to represent the M - the total sum so that both parties coming together to make an ideal partnership represented the 100% (maybe I'm still not communicating this properly). But using your ratio standard, I agree 100%.
Hope I made myself a little clearer.
So are you feeling any better after last night? I've had those nights but fortunately (or unfortunately for my H) my kids weren't around so I was free to scream as loudly as I felt I needed to.
You know, I always felt better after though, kind of like cleansing all the garbage that clogs our minds over their A's.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well tonight went badly. she has already bought the tickets. I am controlling, everything is me, me, me She can't please me, I can't tell her what to do

We both want a divorce. At one point she threatned to call the police because I through a glass at the wall. She slammed a door on me.

We are finished. I cannot go a month until the trip is over waiting and thinking about her being up there with her bil. Not caring how I feel.

I guess I go back to the attorney now. We are underwater on the house, so we will both likely be bankrupt. I will see if I can get the free housing through my work still.

The worse part is I screamed at her and DS14 heard everything.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need a drink, but if I do she will call the police and say I am drunk.

How can she hate me so much.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Ats}}}

no advice... just hugs and empathy.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((ats))))))

i don't think she hates you as much as she hasn't a clue what it means to love another...

your poor son.....i hope you talked to him ats, answer his questions without putting his mother under the bus, no matter what else she is his mother and that will not change...

and i think ic may be in order for him as well to help deal, or a school counseler....someone other then you or your wife...

and i am glad that you havent' taken a drink....i'm thinkin tonite is an ambien nite for you....


(((ats)))

fnf:


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nice to see you lost soul... ...have things gotten any better, and how are the grandbabies?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to talk to DS, he is not saying much. I apologized and told him it had nothing to do with him orDS18, his mom and I just can't fix us. I sat with him a while, but he is very quiet like I used to be.

After tempers cooled a bit I asked W if we could set tonight aside and split as friends as we originally intended after dday. She asked when were we ever friends.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats why am i getting the impression that she has some disorder...like bipolar or even schizzophrenia.....has she ever been tested....she seems to exhibit severe mood swings, irrational thoughts....

is she on any meds, ad's or something!!

even pmsing...could be severe, if her hormones are out of whack...

either way ats, i am soo sorry for this, you do not deserve any of this....and i would def arrange for someone for your son to talk too..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Ats}}}}

Hang in there. We are here for you.

I've been trying to catch up all day and have been wanting to answer you.

My father was a sober alcoholic, mother is a BPD, so my first strong response to your sitch is this:

Your WW is from a very dysfunctional famiy. She doesn't feel she has any security with them. She is afraid to lose whatever ties she has with the mother and the sister. She is afraid that if she doesn't go, she will lose thier love,

Ironically, and unfairly, she is more secure with your love, especially now that you've been showing it to her.

This is confusing to her. She is not used to being loved this way, and also she may feel she doesn't deserve your love from FOO issues, and of course her past behaviour with the A.

I understand why you may want to move for D right now, but as my IC is always saying to me, DO NOT make a decision from feelings, which it seems you are doing.

You both are at the chasm.

The other thing I did want to mention, was your WW tendency to withdraw when she has horrible emotions.

She did tell you why she couldn't talk. She probably had to calm herself down and sort through her emotions before talking to you or else you would just be hearing a convoluted outburst of emotional diarrhea that even she could not understand or get a hold of.

I agree with your IC about this. WW should tell you simply, "I'm upset, because of x, give me some time to calm down before we talk." And as your IC suggested, a few hours, up to a day could be given.

With your wife saying, "When were we friends?" This is hurtful, but she is lashing out at you in a childish, teenage way.

Ats, you and WW have come a long way. We all have been reading your progress and your journey.

Don't give up yet. As Yogi Berra used to say, "It ain't over till it's over."

{{{{Ats}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the difficult IC session for her the other day was that she does not know what she wants. She does not know if she wants to be M to me. She is afraid/does not know how to be intimate, to love me. As soon as she gets mad, 20 years (a lifetime?) of resentment spews out. I really think there is too much hurt on both sides. I cannot (will not) wait years like w_a_l for a change. I can D, and we end up together in the future, fine. Since dday, she has never really committed, and that is what keeps stirring up in me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats, maybe you should talk to w_a_l, ask him how he feels about where he is now, the road to get there and if it was worth it...

and remember a divorce doesn't just break up a marriage, it breaks apart a family...

i think honest made some really good points...

and she touched on something, or someone touched on something the other day...it would seem that everytime YOU ats get happy with where your relationship is going she runs...she withdraws, she comes out fighting....i don't think she feels she deserves to be happy...

she's got some serious deep issues....

(((((ats)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's w_a_l ?

I'm so sorry Ats. You are right, there is a lot of FOO issues that your wife needs to work through.

Perhaps she is undecided about R because she doesn't know if she is up to the work?

I am so sorry Ats. Keep posting here. Just don't make a "knee jerk" decision.

What exactly did your DS hear? Was it just an argument, talk of D, or the A?

Miracle: I am soooo glad that you released some of that anger and in the right direction!!!! I was worried about you. I hope you are feeling better.
I'm happy you got to enjoy DS in the show!

Allgood: I agree with Miracle. I understand that you would want to see WH jealous. xWH was a firefighter. He never SHOWED that he was jealous, but after we D, I realized that he quietly fumed many times, but never said anything. Perhaps, your WH is similar, just not showing that he is, and simply he does trust you.

Maybe it may be more productive to discuss these feelings about jealousy with WH? I hope that you had a good time tonight anyway.

I took the ferry to Fire Island today. I was watching families, small kids with mothers and fathers. I realized something very sad and important too. These fathers seemed to WANT to be there with their families. I was remembering that xWH went with me and the kids places, but it he never seemed happy. It was more like a duty being filled. It often felt the same with current WH. He would say he would do whatever I wanted, but really didn't seem to enjoy himself. He was always saying we should invite this one or that one whenever we went anywhere because it would be boring just by ourselves. I realize that WH always liked a big group, he came from a big family, but, it just hurt to see families, fathers who seemed to want to be with their wives and kids.

I had a vivid dream/nightmare last night that haunted me all day.
In the dream, I was yelling and screaming at WH and finding out more things he did. I was trying to hit him, but it was fruitless, I kept missing, or it was like light taps to him. I was finding out that he was having meetings with people planning against me and telling them lies about me.

I know this was all a dream, and I realize the reason I remembered it so well was because the alarm woke me up in the middle of it.

Just venting. Don't know what day WH is coming. Like my life, it's in limbo.


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