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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455..
And tryn -- way to tell off Allgood's husband!
lol.. I got mad a that SOB... I'm not afraid of gett'n in his face! Problem is since he's a cop and got the inside law on his side and I know he historically liar, He'll play unfair! he could shoot me and lay his throwdown weapon next to me... I'm not that brave!

How do you get 4 men fighting after you at age 50? It's sex appeal.

Thing is.. it's not hard to have sex appeal... just keep asking.. dress right... be flirty... tease a bit... don't be too "picky"... Heck, I have a friend at 45 just D.. on match.com and the other one?? he's been out with 6 or 7 differnet nice looking women in the past 6 months.. He's got some great stories.. lol

The above is why I am not too concerned or afraid anymore. I think it helps me in my R. My fear is going away. I have decieded to fully trust my W. If she wants to cheat again, she can go right ahead. I D this time. But since I am R'ing... I forgive.. all those things I have said... I do not bring her past failures up. I am damn good at it right now. I can not say a word about it. I do all desirable things.. We are laughing again...

Anyway peace out today..

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:54 PM, August 16th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS -- How do I get to be 50 and have 4 men fighting over me instead of 35 and cast off by my husband? Maybe I need to meet your WW. . .


What do you think would happen if you just said OK to her D threat? As Razor would say "fly little bird, be free!" What do you think she would do?

Actually she is 56. She has always been attractive, fun, and engaging, but believe me, none of these OM is anyone you (or she for that matter) would be proud of.

When she threw out the D last night I said OK. Buth then, nothing would happen. Why should it? She is capable or compartmentalizing and living with sections of her life in turmoil. I am the one who cannot. It all bleeds through for me, so I would have to be the one to file.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:09 PM, August 16th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS - I'm sorry if I am obsessing over your situation but there are so many thoughts going through my head and I just wish I could convince your W that she needs to trust the process of R and to accept that it is a "rollercoaster" ride from months in some cases but years in LTA situations. What I have always said to my H when he got discouraged if I was on the downslide was to acknowledge that the periods of despair or anger or pain were getting further and further apart and that the intensity of these periods were definitely lessening over time too. We had longer periods of the good times and this is what we both needed to focus on. Look at the progress you have made up to this point but expect periods like you are going through now - it really is part of the process we go through.
It's when all the time together is filled with bitterness, resentment and disappointment with no signs of progress that the M is in serious trouble. Now I am just on the outside looking in but you and your W are having stretches of very good times together.
As discouraging as these down times are for both of you, try to remember those times when you felt extremely close and positive and believe that they can and will return.
This comes from one who knows and who has been there.
I am almost 5 years out and although rare, I still have a bad spell (in fact just about a month ago now) but fortunately they are short-lived and easily overcome.
This is not an easy journey. We must be warriors and remember that finally we are on the same side fighting a battle to save our M and our family.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fgnf, no need to apologize. I appreciate having people to talk this through with. My irl support is tired of the whole topic and wonder why I am still here.

We have had stretches of good times. If I could just accept that for whatever reason she will never tell me the truth about her A and OM, and trust that she is being (mostly) honest going forward I think we could be OK. I know this sounds weak, but I am just so afraid that someday I will find out there were additional OM, proof of sex with BIL, who knows what. She hid so much after dday, and I believed her. I came here to SI and told people how my WW and her A's were different. They told me I was wrong, I defended what she told me, and I believed. Now I am supposed to believe it all.

I had forgotten she had a meeting downtown today, so she was not able to take my calls. This evening after she gets her nails done and I do yoga we are going to meet for a coffee and talk. The next 3 days will be a whirlwind of packing and delivering DS18 to college, Thursday she works evenings at WW and then meets with a female friend, so it will be Friday until we get another period to talk.

She is doing work, it just seems not enough or driven enough. She is doing IC, I am going to tell her we will do MC on the off weeks from her IC so she is going weekly. She read "Not Just Friends" and "Post Infidelity Stress Disorder". She has physically changed her appearance to not look like old photos. She takes steps to ensure she is not in compromising situations. I think she has a much bigger internal battles going on than is apparent to me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is capable or compartmentalizing and living with sections of her life in turmoil.

Ats, I found this quite profound and is really the key. This is the way so many people who grew up with FOO issues or other horrible things in their life cope. Is it healthy? No, but I believe so many do. I know I have done it a lot this year and when something happens that exposes those things I so carefully put away, I fall apart all over again.

I know I do that when WH is overseas. I act as though all is fine with the world and then he calls and says some hurtful thing that sends me cascading down into the depths of despair again.

Your WW is probably doing the same thing.

You guys have come a long way. Now your WW is faced with those old FOO issues. They are coming out of their carefully sealed compartment and she is dealing with the aftermath of the A, she cannot deal.

This does not excuse anything, but sometimes understanding is helpful so we realize that it is not us that is the problem for everything.

I don't know if using the same IC for both of you and MC is that wise. Perhaps you need someone just for you.

{{{Ats}}}

Miracle, I am studying. I am not venting, although I want to but somehow cannot.

I feel stuck again mentally and emotionally. <sigh>


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest -- it's two steps forward and one step back. It'll come.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Paper Roses
♀ Member
Member # 19336
Concerned  Posted: 2:35 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats, let me say I am in agreement with all who have responded to your sitch and I have been too busy to get on sooner. I especially agree with Miracle who said to stand up to her and to tell her not to go to that party! For one very good reason, you were not invited or were told not to come? I would refuse to attend a party where my husband had been excluded..period! Secondly, is this the same "mother" who did not believe she had been abused? Time to bring that up..I think..sounds like it is just one big fat elephant sitting in the room! Since when should she be socializing with someone who allowed her to be abused? does her IC think this is healthy? More importantly..does she think it is healthy to attend a party in which her husband, a protector, was asked not to come, her former abusive uncle(?) or BIL is in attendance, her abusive mother (not protecting one's child is abuse) is in attendance and who else? I would tell her that if she is serious about addressing her FOO issues this might be an excellent time to take a look...ya think? What am I just nuts? Does she not hold this mother accountable?

M3, thanks, for the "you rock" statement, my grandchildren say that to me and so it feels so sweet to me!
Glad to hear that you are looking carefully at your options, eyes open..

So much going on, 3 pages, I am too lost to comment on everything.

I realized that my recent descent into fear and trepidation, after being on a plateau for a pretty substantial amount of time is likely related to the d-day anniversary coming up in a couple of weeks. It has been years but I guess it still impacts me. I seem to be just focused on all the "but I never thought he would do that to me's"! As a consequence I find myself worried sick to be back in a place where I am beginning to trust again. I feel lke banging my head against the wall and saying "Don't do it stupid, you have been here before and look at what happened!'

At times like these I think the only fair choice is to leave the marriage as I will never really get over the incredibly deep betrayal that an LTA is. It seems that everytime I feel I have examined all the pieces, cried over them, wiped them off and placed them neatly on a shelf...I find another piece ...something I had not seen before. The grief begins anew as I try to assimilate the meaning ascribed to the new info.

Thanks for letting me vent you all.


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Paper Roses,

I find myself worried sick to be back in a place where I am beginning to trust again.

I have wondered if this is what triggered our recent downward spiral. We had, we thought, been doing pretty well. Then I became uneasy and talked of needing to schedule and IC, and triggered badly during sex (which was over 2 weeks ago and is not helping things).

Like you, once I walk far enough down this path it seems hopeless. FWW gets to hopeless much faster than I, hence her mentioning D or separation 3x in the last 24 hours.

I am going to take the advice offered here and establish firm boundaries that will keep me feeling safe. Like soon after dday, I feel like I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I feel uncomfortable telling FWW, like a parent, you must do this and not that, but for better or worse, I think I might know best. I certainly do for me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Paper Roses --

Does it all really have meaning? Maybe you're trying to assign meaning to things that have none. Just a thought.

I was thinking when I went to get lunch that really I'm dealing with 3 or 4 things here: My WH's depression (consisting of biochemical problems and mind problems), his drinking which may be self-medicating or may be alcoholism, our marriage issues and the A, which are separate things that exacerbate each other.

As far as MEANING? All the meaning I can see is: he's messed up and my ability to deal with that is questionable. I don't think there's a whole lot of deeper meaning as far as my reality goes.

People want something that rocks their world and alters their perception of everything to be MEANINGFUL in some way, but a lot of times it just isn't. It's like a child being killed by a moving car. It messes up a whole lot of people, but there isn't that much MEANING in it.

It's the exact reason why the tragedies that bother us so much are the ones that are SENSELESS.

Plus, if there's meaning then there's a reason and if there's a reason maybe you can influence it and if you can influence it you regain your illusion of CONTROL. But it's only an illusion.

Five Hard Truths That Will Set You Free:

Life is Hard.
Your life is not about you.
You are not in control.
You are not that important.
You are going to die.

http://blog.adw.org/2009/11/five-hard-truths-that-will-set-you-free/

The illusion of control is bondage. As is examining and re-examining the affair.

Examine yourself. Examine what you are willing to accept in a marriage. Examine what your spouse must to do regain your trust or to make you comfortable with them. The affair? You weren't even there. You are collateral damage. It's not about you. And whatever important it did have -- it wasn't important enough for your WS to be gone.

Don't put yourself in that prison.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: i do not see it as a parent telling a child what they can and cannot do, i see is as a husband telling his wife what he will and will not accept in a marriage....we all have boundaries..she is crossing yours....and tell her how it makes you feel as well, let her have full knowledge of what her choices will do to you emotionally....both the choices that she makes that are good and the choices that she makes that are ill concieved...

m3: i will share a story i have shared before, one nite my ws came home and he and i were fighting terribly, i was crying, lots of crying, in the middle of all this he asked for sex, i said no, more fighting, he asked again for sex, i said no, after this going back and forth over and over with him still asking, i threw open my legs, and said "here, is this what you want"...and it was and so he did, i cried the entire time, i felt as though i had been raped....he did this it turns out because ow#1 stood him up that nite, so he used me...and this was the first time i knew i was used and felt it....

then there were the nites that he asked to fantasize about other people, i said o.k., thinking celebrities, he said no, real people we knew...i said no, it made me uncomfortable and it was wrong...then at times during sex he would call out..."what does she want"...and this began to happen often, and then everytime....at first i was naive and thought well he must be talking about my vagina....but something started to bother me about it, i cried one nite to him tha twhy cant it be me, just me, it stopped again, but not for long...and that was the way it was most of the time when we had sex.... and then there was the nite not too long after the first nite he made me a hole, the nite i felt "raped"....again he came home and started to pressure me to have sex, and i knew this was just like the last time a few months later...i said no, and this time i did not get sarcastic and throw my legs open, i said NO and i stuck to it and then i told him to go to the bathroom and take care of himself...he did.... so for those nites and all the nites he called to her "what does she want"...he was using me in place for her.... i was a hole....and this happened so many years prior to d-day....prior to the nite i felt "raped", was the nites of "what does she want", and after that nite....so it was always her...and the only time it stopped was when i was vocal about it, but that just tells me that the thoughts were always with her, never me...it hadn't been me since the beginning, really really early on...ow#1 was loved better then me, i became a hole, i was emotinally and verbally abused....he loved her in that whole time much better then he loved me or himself....that much i agree with compared to how he treated me, he never fought with her while i was a bitch in his eyes, she was the cats meow....

so i respectfully disagree with you on how he loved her better.....that is how i felt and feel...he also loved his foo and his friends much more, i was at the bottom of his list, me and the kids.....my before was a nightmare, the only thing i held onto all those years was that i was loved...d-day and all its aftermath blew that to smithereens!!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Paper Roses
♀ Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, so sorry Miracle, not quite so obvious, at least not that I am willing to recall but I have had similar experiences and I too am devastated by them.. My H also admitted to using me. I refer to myself as a "blow up doll" during that time and I always wonder if I am not still. I am told by many that men (and women) do this often and it is not at all unusual I certainly have never done it so I do not know. I find it to be degrading. I also feel not loved and not as important as the "others". Unlike you tho I am in R. Why? Because I have seen genuine humility and remorse and change. I also have not worked for over 7 years and do not want to live in a tent under the freeway (exaggeration). Of course I could go back to work and I would get alimony but as long as he is remorseful I guess I am willing to try...and I do love him..in spite of all of this..doo isn't it? I am so sorry tho, it is such a terrible feeling to discover these things after the fact. I really do not know how they live with themselves.

M3, I believe everything has meaning. I am just sort of like that. We are all different. I do wish I were more able to see things in the way that you do..in a pragmatic way. I admire that. I am much more comples and set in my ways so not something that will likely change. Thanks for trying tho.


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Miracle}}}}}

I know how that night has devastated you. I'm so so very sorry you have that deep pain.

What does pfm say he meant when he was calling out "what does she want?" Does he have any excuse for it?

PaperRoses: I'm sorry you said that you felt like a blow up doll. I am glad, though, that you are in R and WH is remorseful.

M3: I agree with PaperRoses, you sound so pragmatic. I wish I could get there for myself. IC says that I seem to go too much on emotions and that's not good. I tend to let them eat me up.
I wish I could take my own advice!! I wish I could really stand back and see my sitch for what it really is instead of getting so clouded with emotion.

As M3 says, two steps forward and one step back, although at times I feel I'm going one step forward and two steps back!


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMFG.
I had a verybusy day & cannot believe everything that has gone on here at our lil corner of SI today.

So - I breezed thru - I see Ats has got a major thing going on - I'm going to re-read - but as I'm now 3 pages behind (!!!), I will never remember it all by the time I get thru it.

So, here is my response, to be edited as boss lady allows:

1. Paper Roses - totally relate to the way you think about the WS & their reaction on DDay. I did feel like my H loved me, scared to lose me. He was also in shock, as he calls it. But I, like you, am always on the lookout.

2. NJGal - like the "plugged in" analogy. That works for me.

3. Tryn- G'damn your pics are always so intense. Nice tush tho.

4. Can't believe: I do not believe the enforcement of infidelity as a crime would deter anyone. And, quite frankly, it sounds like an administrative nightmare - all or our taxes would have to go up for the extra prosecutors. Lol. Plus - there's a little thing like proof "beyond a reasonable doubt" and the kind of proof that is admissible in court that makes it far more difficult than you would imagaine. (NY, until recently, was a state where you had to have grounds or a reason for divorce, and adultery was hardly ever used as a reason for the divorce for this exact reason. And, Miracle - I totally understand your point about having to suffer the financial repurcusions of a divorce when you are not seeking the divorce or didn't cause what led up to the divorce. Unfortunately, NY doesn't really treat it like a breach of contract type of thing. O well.

Ats: OMG - ok - I just saw that your wife is saying "it's over"?!? I'm so sorry. They are so G'Damn selfish it pisses me off! I have to go, so I will try to respond again. I have to say, I am 1/2 prepared for my H to announce the same thing any day now. A text I saw the other day made me think he's looking for a place - he denies it tho. It's just so infuriating that they ADD to our F'n misery like this!!! Just reconcile or not. Holy Shit!

On dday she told me it might come as a suprise, but that she had been unhappy most of the M. I know this is typical WS talk, but for her it is apparently true, and looking back I see it now.

My H said something like this too & friends confirm it as well. You know what? How about saying something? That would've been F-n awesome!

Ats - I think MC would help you a lot. I cannot wait until my H's schedule permits us to return - not going to be for another month or so tho.

Honest:

I find out a new thing and I'm brought to my knees, but as a dear friend pointed out, I'm getting up more quickly now, although I'm still very wobbly and shaky:

Good for you!

I'm going thru the same thing. I had to look for a financial document today - had to sort thru a lot of old paperwork - including stuff my H&I purchased when we were engaged, our first house, etc. I was shocked at how upset I got. Course my H calls in the middle of all this & I was trying hard not to cry - which comes off as super-bitch instead. I later texted him why I was upset & he told me "I understand how you are feeling". I thought that was just ludicrous. He bravely tried to reach out to me when he got home - but I'm just not going there.

BTW - how are you doing with WH? Are you still talking frequently? I have to say - I've told my H I'd rather just text for now because it's easier to detach. Sometimes I attribute a lack of attention or an attitude when we are speaking & it will..... you guessed it - piss me off! So the texting is helping me manage the roller coaster a bit - maybe that would work for you? (Don't know if texting is really an option with him so far away...)
AND - I fully realize that texting v. real conversations is not real helpful to R - but y'know what? I don't care. For now, it's easier for me & so that is what I am doing.

Crap - wh is back. g2g


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - he ran back outside & I just saw this:

I want to know how she can say she wants to divorce, and then go to sleep.

I have no idea how they do this?!? A lack of conscience, in all seriousness, is probably the answer.

When I am upset, I usually sleep on the couch because I seriously want to stab my H when I hear him snoring while I'm crying.

It's like that song "Falling to Pieces" - about adultery: "I'm wide awake & you have no trouble sleeping" (or something like that) "you've got his heart & my heart & none of the pain" -check the lyrics - it's just dead on.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry to freak you out with all the posts allgood, but it has been a pretty intense 24 hours for me. Yea, it would have been nice if in 20 years of M and 3 rounds of MC if someone had clued me in that she was that unhappy. She did not want to hurt my feelings or appear needy. I read the debate about did WS love BS during the A, at least I know the answer, she never did.

Some good (?) news, FWW did not sleep at all last night, just pretending. I spent the night on the couch in Ambien-land.

We are going back to weekly MC starting next week. That is about as far as we have gotten talking. We came home to a housefull of kids, so no more serious talk tonight.

Like allgood, we find text works. Not my favorite, but at least communication. Tonight I found myself staring at her again, trying to see her.

((iwan)), what a terrible thing pfm did to you. I can not imagine doing that to another person, or ever facing her if I did. You are much more than what pfm saw in you. Sex has always had an emotional component forme, even if just with a friend. I was never good at ONS, I would fall in love


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My response - Part II:

M3:

He has to prove he wants it enough to make it when it's the HARDER choice.

I agree. Tougher times are ahead. Like you M3, these 4 lil kids are gonna turn into 4 teens soon, driving, college, financial pressure, etc. So, when I'm stessed out (cuz all of these type issues will most likely fall on my plate), he's gonna not only fail to rally with me, but check out?!?

Life is Hard.
Your life is not about you.
You are not in control.
You are not that important.
You are going to die

Oofa.
I don't like that at all.
I like the Eminim lyrics better. (It's on my IPod already.)

Miracle:

but that just tells me that the thoughts were always with her, never me...it hadn't been me since the beginning

I don't know about that... I just don't think that's possible. I mean, you lived it, so I'm not going to argue with you, but, that's just so harsh - you don't think he loved you ever or at all? Is that true? (Just asking)

And, finally, Ats:

I think your W said something stupid (the divorce) out of frustration. R is hard work & she's resisting maybe. Or like ppl are saying - maybe it's deeper issues. In any event - she seems willing to continue to R? Are you?

Peace.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - we cross-posted.
You didn't freak me out - I just feel like I sit on this site like 24/7 and today, of all days, I was out all day, plus pc problems, and the whole thread blew up!

I'm glad you are going to MC. I have a feeling you will sleep well tonight.
Sweet dreams.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to know how she can say she wants to divorce, and then go to sleep.

Ats..maybe she said it to see what kind of reaction she'd get from you. Maybe trying to gage your reaction and see if maybe you are ready for divorce. Obviously, she isn't sold on the idea, because she didn't sleep.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: yes i believed he loved me, but the fact is she was always there, when he took his vows in church in fucked up on the fidelity part, because he knew he had no intention of letting her go, she was a married woman...and they never spoke of being together outside of this bubble they created...so yes he loved me, but loved her better...you notice i don't say more....i don't think he was capable of loving anyone person more then another, just better with the way he treated them and respected them...


honest:

What does pfm say he meant when he was calling out "what does she want?" Does he have any excuse for it?

once i made the connection he knew i hit the proverbial nail on the head....he made no excuses for it, just said how sorry he was ...he's always sorry, just never sorry enough to do what it takes, he never was....he admitted that he did wish i were her, each and everytime...the only thing he tried was to say he wished it was both of us at the same time...but considering when he was at his peak, each and everytime, or should i say totally involved in the actions, lost in it, he called for her each and everytime...never me, her....


roses: its quite a different entity to feel used, (btdt) and KNOW you were used, and then to be used the way i was that nite.....well lets just say that i truly hope you didn't experience anything like it...that experience changed me that nite, it changed my entire sexuality, and it did so til oddly d-day.....that experience was one of those pivitol moments in time, it defined who i was, and it crushed me when i didn't even know why he did what he did....once i made the connection, well lets just say that the wound gaped even larger then it did when it happened....


i will tell you all though, i have my sexuality back and look forward to sharing it again with someone who wants ME.....my sex drive is back in full swing...its was always rather large.... .....pfm is an asshole in the first degree, he truly had it all....and he truly blew it all.....and what he had left with his kids is slowly turning into the titanic in slow motion, he will end up very lonely, i think he will hook up, but he will never find another who will love him better then i did....

ats: glad to hear that mc is now back on the schedule....you need to stick to your guns ats...


allgood: i think texting is good, it helps keep the emotions in check....i tried it with pfm with emailing...he never caught on, he fucked that up too.. .....keep planting those seed allgood....i really do think it will help...and i also think when his schedule changes you need to make the request for retrovaille, even if he only gets half of what they teach for communication you will be that much better off..remember no matter how things turn out you will be connected to this man forever because of your children...so learning to communicate can be quite invaluable.....


sending a a call out to fun and ukgirl...please check in...


and to the oldies who i know lurk and don't post....((((tribe))))you may be out of sight but you certainly are not out of mind....you all were there for me when i was the newbie and i didn't forget any of you...i just get the names mixed up now and then..


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and to the oldies who i know lurk and don't post....((((tribe))))you may be out of sight but you certainly are not out of mind....you all were there for me when i was the newbie and i didn't forget any of you...i just get the names mixed up now and then..

Well, I'm a LTA'er "oldie" but now I'm just an "oldie" too LOL Yes, you know I lurk but can't keep up.

I'm here to say, though, I"M PISSED at my Husband tonight. While he stopped his affair/acting out 18 months + ago, he's only come "clean" around 6 weeks ago = me a basket case and back to being PISSED.

My H has a super ability to compartmentalize. To isolate. All of that, and he's working a 12 step program *now*....But I'm PISSED it took until now. Really.

So, there's my rant. I'm a veteran but I feel like a newbie tonight.

I'll try to post a little more- I've got a bit of time put into this and some good perspectives from FWH.

Hugs to our tribe,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

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