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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((ats))

She cannot truly R if she is putting herself before you. After her track record, it's going to take a long time for you to "get over it" if you ever do. But one thing, you can't if she won't help you and continues to throw that in your face. She needs more IC to help her get over her FOO issues.

I'm sorry she brought up the D word.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault, it is not the details themselves, but what they represent. I want her to be honest with me. I want her to quit saying what she thinks I want to hear, or what is easy. I want to hear some GD truth so I can begin to believe her when she says she loves me.

I want to know how she can say she wants to divorce, and then go to sleep.

I really wish I had not decided to cut back on my drinking.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwant,

are you saying that your husband has not initiated any sex with you.

Not really. We did go away this weekend and enjoyed our time but on a day to day basis...no. One problem is he goes to bed at 9:30 (I just can't do that) and gets up at 4:00 am (can't do that either). Our one daughter that is home from college is never gone, or she leaves after he goes to bed. We get NO alone time. She will be heading back this week, so I'll see how things go. We will definitely have lots more alone time and hopefully, he'll flirt with me and make me feel sexy.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats...
Have you ever read this book?
Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power by Charlotte Kasl.

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Sex-Addiction-Search-Power/dp/0060973218

I wonder if you would see your wife in this? or if she would recognize herself?
it could be something she could explore with the IC.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

She obviously is having difficulty dealing with the very hard work that you need to do in order to reconcile after infidelity!
It is not an easy thing... the WS really needs to look at themselves in the mirror and get honest about who they are, how they got here...no more lies...no more lying to themselves...
not en easy thing to do for people that have been having in denial most of their lives!

Keep reading the Ortman book...regardless of what your wife decides to do... he gives good advice in the last chapters about strategies to help you de-stress and heal from the trauma of infidelity.
and.. I know it may be expensive... but, IC for both of you is really important.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest...
I am so sorry that you are in such pain.
Take good care of yourself!
Focus on the positives in your life.
Surround yourself with the people who love you.
I will keep you in my prayers as well!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480, because your last recomendation was so good I will order this one too. I asked our IC/MC about SA a while back. He said that he is ffamiliar with it and does not see that in FWW.

I think it is more a control issue. She has tried to control her environments most of her life. She has used sex to control and manipulate men, it worked on me, for most of her life. I know she definitely does not feel in control now, and I am not responding as I should.

She clearly knows she can still jerk me around and she is still safe, I wonder what that says about me?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal: Thank you for your support!! I am trying my best to get my head together so I can move forward.

Ats: I am so sorry your WW said the "d" word. NJgal gave you great advice.

It seems that your WW probably feels more "secure" or "comfortable" playing the old tapes and battles from FOO. She is terrified to really look at herself and work on herself and is why she mentions D. I mean she is absolutely terrified!!

I don't think it's that she doesn't love you, but she doesn't love herself.

I understand what you mean about why you want to know some more details to determine if she's lying still or not. I can only suggest that you write down the things you WANT to know and reread the list and see if you can pare it down to the things you FEEL you NEED to know.

I see that you have been working so very hard and when you do, WW does too. Is she generally externally motivated? I know that you are doing your part and more and probably wish that when you need to take a breather, she could pick up the slack. I don't know if she can yet.

I understand completely what you were saying about feeling a certain way consistantly that will help you in your decision. But, I think Tryn is right about Retrovaille. What do have to lose? It can only help you if nothing else and then you will know that you have done everything in your power to help the sitch.


{{{{{ats}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS - After reading a number of your recent posts I was wondering if your wife ever did intense C'ing after the sexual abuse by her uncle. Do you know how old she was and how long this continued? You mention that her sister was also abused by this man. I find it interesting (and terribly sad) that your W would get involved in a "sexting" situation with her sister's H. There is something in this to me - something I would want to investigate with a very good C trained in abuse. This is going to sound absolutely insane but I can't help but wonder if in some way she is trying to reenact the abuse situation with her uncle that both she and her sister were victims of - a kind of repetition compulsion in the hope of resolving some very painful memories.
I know I'm not saying this correctly but I don't find this to be simply an attraction to her BIL. I honestly believe there is something more deep-seated than this.
From all of your recent posts and from the withdrawing that your wife is now exhibiting, I'm getting the sense that she is completely overwhelmed and that possibly, if she never dealt with the abuse by her uncle, she doesn't have the capacity to confront the demons of her own behavior.
Is any of this making sense??
Also, did her mother know about the abuse? If she did, what was her reaction?
It's so hard to understand why she would ever want to go to any function where the uncle was going to be present. It makes me wonder if his abuse was exposed to the family and I'm doubting it ever was and if it was, then I can only imagine what his continued presence and acceptance by the family does to your wife.
I really suspect that your wife's present attitude toward your M has a direct correlation to the fears and trauma of her past history and the upcoming family event.
(((((((ATS)))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After she left this morning I texted to her that for the first time I feel hopeless, and I do not know if I can do this anymore.

Her Reply:

There has been no "us" for a long ime, if ever. I have been on my own emotionally for as long as I can remember. I should have left before the affairs and been honest then that I was not happy and did not think you cared. I did not interpret your behavior correctly. Thought you didn't care so I unfortunately tried to fix it in the totally wrong way. I took the corward way out and cheated instead of being honest about wanting to make my relationship with you better. It was my way of fixing what I thought was wrong in my life instead of divorcing or making the marriage better. I am sorry for hurting you and family and friends and sorry this is how I tried to be happy and tried to avoid being honest about wanting a divorce. I don't know how I feel about wanting a divorce now. Thought it would be easier to work things out but it has been very difficult. I would like to think there is some hope but really don't know. That is why I get hung up on why what happened with cum is so important. Being able to be honest about how I feel seems more important and taking an honest look at options seems more important and being able to continue to be honest about feelings even if it is not something you want to hear.

Just like after dday I see no need for immediate action, but I no longer consider us working towards R. I am tired, if there is a future she is going to have to break trail, but I think the clock has started on us. Without some real change, I dod not see us making it through the holidays.

I guess I hoped that at some point she would fight and do whatever it took for us to have a better future, but in her mind, we never had a past.

Thisa morning, I hate my life.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fgnf,

FWW says she told her parents about the abuse when she was older, but they took no action. Knowing her as I do, she was probably not real straight forward in her accusation. The abuse happened when she was JHS -HS age. He would buy her beer, ciggarettes, give her things from his store. There would be inappropriate touching, she mentions a French kiss. I do not know the whole story. She says that at the time it felt exciting to have the attention from an adult.

She and her BIL have always flirted, it is (was?) her nature. When she visited a few years ago he stared at her while she did her yoga. He said he would never cheat on her sister, but asked if he could call her some times. Her sister has had much less C than FWW and is in worse emotional shape. Her M is non-existen, they are roomates. FWW said it was exciting to have men (including BIL) want her and pay attention to her.

We have a good counselor, I know he has made headway with her, but it may all just be too much for her to work on herself and us. So, do I wait and see?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:19 AM, August 16th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: i am so sorry, she sounds like the wounded child....and the fact that she is choosing to put herself in this ridiculous position going to the stupid party is nuts...and the fact that you are not wanted by her mother sends up my hackles....fuck the mother, she has no business exluding you...and your wife has no business allowing this...i lived it, i know it well and ITS WRONG....you are the husband and must come before all, including this mother...and you should march right over to her face and tell her so, don't give her the choice....

bbl, gotta go...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been on my own emotionally for as long as I can remember.

ATS - I don't know if we were posting at the same time but this statement from your wife seems to me to confirm what I am suspecting about your wife's abuse. I get such a strong feeling that she never got the C'ing she needed in order to get past this. It's interesting that she is saying to you that she doesn't think you'll ever get past her A's, maybe in the same way she has never been able to get past her abuse and yet she is also saying that she thought it would be easier to work things out.
I wonder if she has ever come onto this site. All she would have to do was read how even those whose S's engaged in ONS or STA's struggle to process the betrayal. Those of us in the LTA group have so much more to process. The reality of the process being short-term is simply not possible.
BTW, I was sorry to see you changed your tagline. I know you are feeling somewhat hopeless right now (and it is easy to understand considering these past few weeks) but your wife does offer some hope when she tells you how honesty is something she wants to give you in your M. I do think though that your wife has so much more work to do on herself before she can be truly committed to or capable of doing the work she needs to to do in your M. It may come down to you deciding whether or not you are able to "keep the faith" as she struggles with her own demons.
((((((((ATS))))))))
ETA - I am 100% with Miracle -
"and the fact that you are not wanted by her mother sends up my hackles....fuck the mother, she has no business exluding you...and your wife has no business allowing this..."
Well said Miracle!!!!!!!
I also wanted to add that one of things that has changed dramatically and immediately after d-day was that I now expect and demand that my well-being and the well-being of our M must ALWAYS come before anything else if we are to R successfully. Your wife must make the choice that is best for you and your M in order for R to be possible. This time away with both the BIL and uncle present will, IMHO, create way too many triggers for you and only create more problems that you so don't need at this time. I hope she'll do the right thing and cancel her plans to attend this party.
Btw, whose 60th party is this? Her parents or an aunt and uncle???

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:28 AM, August 16th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: I agree with Miracle and FNF. Your WW has so many issues to work through. It would be better that she does NOT go to this party.

From her message, it does seem your WW is aware that there is a lot of work to do with herself and most importantly, she seems aware that her feelings in the marriage were based on false assumptions because of her demons. She is not blaming you, which is good. She is talking about honesty, and this time, I feel she really means it.

Ats, you and WW have a lot more heart to heart talks ahead, and she seems to be willing. I don't know at this point if you guys will R, BUT, and this is an important BUT, I feel very deeply from what you wrote, that you and your WW can come to terms with each other with RESPECT and KINDNESS.

She is overwhelmed with the immensity of the job ahead to fix herself and I truly believe it was never her intention in a million years to hurt you the way you are hurt.


{{{{{Ats}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btw, whose 60th party is this? Her parents or an aunt and uncle???

Her parents 60th wedding anniversary.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS - I know that this complicates the issue since it is her parents' A but it sounds to me (at least this is how I would approach this) that it is her mother who is expecting her to choose and if I were you or her I would make sure to point this out. Her mother doesn't want you there - does she expect her daughter to choose her over you??? Totally not healthy and totally unacceptable IMHO.
For many years in my M I would take time away from my H and go on vacations with my mother. I happened to be away with her when I got the call from my H that he was diagnosed with CA (and you can guess who was there to comfort him while I was away). I drove home (an 8 hr trip) immediately but the point was that I wasn't there when he got the news and I regret that even though he was well into his A at that time.
Immediately after d-day I told my mother those days were done. You see, I didn't just expect my H to put our M first, I demanded it of myself as well. Fortunately my mother has been very supportive and even when we are out for the day she'll encourage me to get home early to be there when my H gets home from the office.
I don't know what your in-laws know about your situation but if your MIL knows about her D's A's, she should be absolutely supportive of whatever the needs are for your M to survive.
ETA - I am a firm believer in the marriage verse that says (paraphrasing here ) "a man should leave his mother and a woman leave her home." This message clearly says that the marriage is to be first and foremost even above our FOO and it is excellent advice.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:14 PM, August 16th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AST… They say you know when you are ready to D… do you really know? Really? 100%?

As I have said many times, it takes great brain strength to R. But I can understand if you need to take care of yourself... spend your mind on a new future.

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:12 PM, August 16th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS and Allgood:

At some point, YOU NEED TO PLAY HARDBALL. I need to play hardball now. All three of us are going to be in the "time to bring out the big guns" situation.

The problem is: you need to be emotionally ready for the fallout. Maybe you two are not yet. And that's OK. But what I want you two to do for me right now is this: get yourself where you need to be to be ready to draw a hard line. Because the moment is going to come.

Allgood: I'm perfectly successful in not rehashing the M during the A anymore. But, I knew something was very wrong in my M and WH wouldn't address it so I've actually been doing something called unilateral marriage counseling with my IC for the last 4 years. So, the A was *almost* a relief for me because there was FINALLY an explanation for why I was making so little progress!

And tryn -- way to tell off Allgood's husband!


ATS -- How do I get to be 50 and have 4 men fighting over me instead of 35 and cast off by my husband? Maybe I need to meet your WW. . .
What do you think would happen if you just said OK to her D threat? As Razor would say "fly little bird, be free!" What do you think she would do?

Honest, the script is so typical that I almost think we should use it against them. they say "Blah blah" -- and we say "yes, and then you say "blah blah blah" and I'm supposed to say "blah; look, you're a walking, talking sterotype so can we just skip ahead 6 steps because I've got to get this BS RESOLVED and move on with my life ..."

Paper roses -- you ROCK, please stay. Very thought provoking.

BTW everyone -- adultery IS illegal in my state, for what it's worth.

Miracle -- pfm did not love her better. If he did, that's where he'd be. Pfm's problem is that he doesn't love himself -- which doesn't leave him much to give anyone else. He loves you best, he just sucks at loving. Acceptable, no, and it's ok to throw yourself a pity party too if you want because you got gipped, but I'm just sayin' ...

FNF I think you are right about ATS's wife rehashing her abuse. I think my WH might be doing that as well to some extent, and I also noticed that in ATS's description of his WW.

Can't believe and all about the discussion about WHY your spouse chose you. and whether it's paritally $ or convenience...

I have given this a LOT of thought. I think: if this man will cheat on me with an older woman when I'm 28 and super-fit, what's going to keep him from deciding I'm expendable again when I'm 50 or 60? Or right now?

And I don't want to be the "easy road". I don't want to be a raging witch per se, but I can't feel comfortable continuing in this M if it's the easy choice. He has to prove he wants it enough to make it when it's the HARDER choice.

So, I've decided to level the playing field as much as possible. I'm going to do my best to make the consequences the same whether we R or D. Either we D or we sign a post-nup that is as close to mimicing D as possible AND he does the hard work of IC, MC, etc.

I've also decided how I'm going to deal with OW. You don't get to pretend to be my friend, get close to my children, take vacations with me, and betray me the way she did without consequences. You just don't. But I've thought long and hard about what I can/should do that is legal and also not harassment and also would be appropriate even if I didn't feel vengeful.

The people I tell will be the same whether we R or D. I have no need to tell anyone else about WH -- but I do have a short list of people I am going to expose OW to either way.

Level the playing field. He'll see the kids more if we R -- I can't change that (nor would I want to) -- but the financial stuff and personal exposure stuff will be made pretty much equal either way.

It’s totally about greed and selfishness. I can understand what you fine lady’s cannot seem to understand about A’s… I think about how good it would feel to have sex, talk some smack, be around someone other then our spouses… for me, it would be very exciting. Please don’t feel offended when I say this to all you fine ladies here… Heck I have some attractions just by reading your postings.. lol.. I admit it… I would love to have dinner, a good chocolate Marti drink, some good conversation followed by a roll in the hay. Yep, I mean every one of you fine ladies here on the LTA board……

tsk, tsk, tsk ... tryn.

I understand 100%. Not everyone understands the appeal, but I'm one of those people who does.

I have thought over and over about why I was so shocked -- and so trusting -- and the bottom line is that I know my WH values our life together (the fact he's still here proves that) and to risk something you value would be stupid and my WH is not stupid ERGO I believed he would not cheat.

Apparently he is PARTIALLY stupid.

I'm still just letting new IC lead me around by the nose. The man seems to have a plan so I'll keep cool and have my little plan/dreams until it is revealed.

Also,
Last night my WH got to listen to our friends rip on the father of our son's classmate whose wife D'ed him b/c he'd had an LTA. They were talking about how his 10 year old son won't even talk to him now that he knows what happened (the father told the boy) and also how the little guy feels culpable because his dad was always taking him and his brother over to OW's house as a cover ... who knows whether that made any impression on WH at all.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

o.k. i am back and can finish now...

ats i had only just started to respond earlier, and i love all of the responses you got from the others....so rather then repeat them i would just say i agree with them....

there is more thoughts that i am having on the subject....ats...your wife has huge issues, i believe for your own peace of mind you need to set down some boundaries that are requirements for you, choices she has to make...ic needs to be one of them...there is no way you are capable of helping her heal all of her issues...and her issues need to be addressed because she is headed to self-destruct....her reply to you was all about her...not about both of you or you, but her.....

her issue of abuse....does she admit everything that this man had done to her...i get the feeling that she is sugar coating it somehow...whether she is making more out of it then it was or is in denial of what it really was.....

stand up for yourself and tell her that she cannot go to this party period....for soooo many reasons...first and foremost her abuser will be there and her bil will be there and she does not belong in the same place as they choose to be....and if you are not welcome then neither is she....

and i noticed you wrote that you wished that you were still drinking...i am really glad and proud that you are not...and if you could make it through this crap without it....that is a huge feather in your cap so to speak....and you are well on the road to healing.....and i gotta tell you...i remember saying to myself over and over that this healing shit just really hurts....and thats because it does...but we need to go through the pain to get to the rainbow....i know that there is a saying for this, i just cannot remember it right now....

i also do not think your wife is capable right now to see beyond her own perceptions of her own pain....she is stuck there, and i believe she still feels safe that you aren't going anywhere, so stuck she will likely stay unless she gets that help...intense help....

ic and mc need to be mandatory for both of you....living like this is not working, and neither of you are getting your needs met.

((((ats))))

honest: i am glad to see you posted...please keep posting my freind, even if its nonsense, you need to stay connected to people who genuinely care about you and have no stake in you like your kids....another words we are here for you...and all that goes with you..


((((honest))))

oh and honest....have you vented lately...and studied and preferrably not at the same time..


believe: have you addressed this issue with your husband over the lack of true intimacy....baring your soul so to speak on the subject.....and i am sorry i need to tell you that it sends up little red flags to me that he is not a more willing partner or trying to find a way to connect with you intimately.....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her parents and our sons are the only ones who do not know of the A. It is not so much that MIL says I am not to come, more I am not invited. The bigger picture is we cannot afford 3 tickets for DS14 and I to come along, and he has a band performance that weekend. For what it is worth MIL does not like BIL either, but they are so close geographically I can see him showing up, or staying with them all at the hotel or bed and breakfast. Especially since his daughter will be there too.

FWW did come to SI a few times to lurk. She hoped to get the WS point of view with which to challenge me, she was disappointed. She did read a lot, and early on, it was a turning point in our R. I have encouraged her to sign on and post, but she says it is not her thing. The only people she has to talk too are her sister and a friend from our former town who both knew about the As. Neither are strong M supporters, not saying they are anti-M, but both have their own M problems.

I have been trying to think what triggered all of this, we were really, FWW and I both thought, doing so well. About 3 weeks ago, I had enough of an itch that I made an appointment for IC. I remember at the time just wanting to "tie up loose ends". I think it is the trust issue, believing that she is telling the truth. Now she is so defensive and withdrawn, I feel like I did in April before the big disclosure. I am having déjà vu episodes and not coping well. I dread up coming the 4 hour drive back Wednesday from taking DS18 to college. I just know my thoughts are going to wander.

FWW is not at her office or answering her phone calls. She called DS18 just after I sent her a text, so it is not that she is too busy.

I want to call BIL and read him the riot act and warn him off of going. I want to call SIL and ask why she is organizing this event no one wants to attend for her Mother that neither she nor FWW like or respect. I of course will do none of these things because I am "stable".

I am going to see if she is willing to get back to weekly MC, we were doing well when we were doing that. We were also spending more time together. Just driving there and back and a breakfast afterwards to decompress were 3 hours each week. But then I wonder what she is hiding. I sometimes feel like my IC (our MC and her IC, all the same guy) has tried to warn me off. Maybe he knows something he cannot share. See, the paranoia is all back.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you guys seen that movie Precious..
as I'm speechless to here about ast's W... abuse as a child, her going after her sister's H... This movie comes to mind. We stay with our abusers... Our parents are suppose to protect us, yet sometimes they don't. ast's W parents era was so different and things were just swept under the rug. "let's not address it"... I can only imagine how difficult it is to think back a how good if feels to have an adult make you "feel good".. and everyone thinks.. ho hum. Then in life you just do what you think will make you happy... some man comes along with attention.. Heck why not?

I think she needs to understand what mature love is about... Some people cannot know, nor ever understand. Some can.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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