Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

false alarm..it was manchild...

fun no one knows your husband better then you...whatever you surmise is probably it.....

and ats is so right, you are an angel...like i said i wouldn't care how bad of shape he was in, i could not keep my mouth shut....


njgal...wow that must have been scary going through that with your daughter,i am glad that it turned out well for her and in turn you....strange that her disorder happened while he was in the thick of it....maybe it was also related to his drinking...she knew or had to know he was an alcholic...


allgood...your humor cracks me up...just sayin

honest: the next session with the therapist is with the boys...so it ought to be interesting...and i am not shy about voicing my concerns...if i need i will talk to her privately....first though i actually think i would like to see how it goes...

my mom, when i told her about the session pfm and i had, she said..."doesn't pfm realize that she is telling you to leave him"...

more peeps are getting up...

and btw this weekend has been wonderful....complete with mudslides and family games...it doesn't get better then that...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwant - I'm so glad you are having fun. That's what it's all about.

My kids are coming over this morning...so that will distract me for awhile.

I'm seriously thinking of pulling the catheter by accident!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol, nofun!! Pulling out his catheter by accident.

Hang in there. I just hope that in WH's crazy logic, that he was coming to terms to his mortality, or felt that the cancer was malignant (some people just know) and wanted to tell OW for whatever reason. BUT NC is NC.

I know you must be going crazy. You are taking the high road right now. You are not going to stoop to his level. You are an angel who married the devil. I'm so sorry for your pain.
Vent here, until you can calm down and confront him about what you found.
There's info about keyloggers in the thread "Investigative Tips". I think that will help you to see if he's signed on to those sites.
Gather info so you can make an informed decision.

Miracle: I'm glad you are having fun. You deserve it. I realize that the pain you are feeling is intensified because you are staying in a sitch that is giving you so much pain FOR the kids and then you hear that they are unhappy anyway. It hurts, I know. But, remember, what they said at the therapist may be how they were feeling AT THE MOMENT. Emotions are out, and yes, there is tension in the house (they feel it) so it's easier to just want out.

Hang in there!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm seriously thinking of pulling the catheter by accident!!!


I know you must be going crazy. You are taking the high road right now. You are not going to stoop to his level. You are an angel who married the devil.

yes she is an angel, she also doesn't have to stoop to his level...but...angels aren't always so gentle or johnny on the spot....

as for me: my guests have left...was sorry to see them go...we had a blast...all of us...lots of laughter and fun....these are really good good people...they are happily married, both have amazing values....they believe in god and they believe in each other....they are total opposites in manner and from family...his parents are motorcycle rockin hippie parents, her parents are older, very older, and they are holocaust survivors, extremely mild mannered, pretty serious people, genuinely gentle souls...

every time i see them i see their parents in my minds eye, and he is the epitomy of an archie bunker type and come to think of it she is very much like edith, mild always calm but she doesn't have that high pitched voice.. ...wow i just had an aha moment...they are alot like archie and edith bunker...that is too funny....must tell them the next time i talk to them....


and yes ats we had mudslides...they were delicious...we even had non-alocholic ones for the kids...


and about my boys...i really believe more then ever that alot of it is normal teenage crap...normal sibling rivalry...just they are bigger then they used to be and when it turns physical it makes me nervous and a completely unhappy camper...they got along really well this weekend...they either are best buds or worst enemies...it goes back and forth...my biggest concern is that manchild doesn't take the physical too far and that they outgrow this shit....

fun and m3 hows it goin today.....

and allgood, honest and njgal you all have a pm


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey - glad you had nice weekend Miracle. (And btw - no pm in my box...)

On my way out for a date night with the H. Let's hope it goes well cuz I found a little leftover from the A this am & I was very pissed off this morning - lots of "ho" references again ...
Aight - gots to go.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

o.k. allgood there is one now..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had it. I'm so exhausted from people coming to visit and then having to entertain them. I'm glad this weekend is over.

I did tell H tonight that if OW finds out that he had surgery and that it was malignant, she might call him. I told him that if that happens, I expect to be told immediately. He said, no way would she call and then he said, how would she find out? I just don't have the strength right now to broach this subject. I don't feel I'm strong enough right now. I feel so worn out, tired and drained by H's affair, his health and now this. I just can't do it.

Miracle - I remember one weekend we went away as a family and my sister and her family came. My oldest daughter and my son had an all out fist fight. They mature and grow up and now we can look back and laugh over the craziness. One day you will look back too and wonder how you got through it, and somehow you just do!

Allgood - hope your date night was a good one.

Honest - thanks for the kind words. You are right...I married the devil himself.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun....
so sorry that you have to deal with this crap on top of dealing with a sick husband!
If it were me.. I would need to go into detective mode to find out how far this has gone...
so a keylogger would be the way to go..except..is this his laptop? or is it a company lap top?
I never used keylogger but other SI members have used with good results.
I think you can download it onto any computer..and you can even do it remotely.
I also remember that some SI people had creative ways of concealing the purchase online so that the spouse did not see the credit card charges...
I think they set up a paypal account and/ or got debit cards etc.
I think that if you can monitor his behavior for awhile it will help you get an idea as to what he is doing and...it will give you concrete evidence to confront him with so he can't weasle out of it!
Another SI friend had a similar sitch...it was a year after d-day and her husband was going into the hospital for open heart surgery..and what does he do? he breaks NC with the OW to tell her about the surgery.
and..what happened after that? well it was as if he had opened up Pandora's box...and the OW tried to call him on his cell...he didn't answer ...then, the OW got angry and called the house.
Their daughter answered the phone and...Idon't remember the rest but some how the OW started a conversation with the daughter and insulted her by sharing info that her father had told the OW about the daughter (she was 18 or so and had been a bit rebellious during her teens).
Well, the daughter knew about the affair and the OW and hearing that this woman had inside info about her and the family really caused the girl to breakdown...
all hell broke loose in the house...
and.. post surgery..when asked why in the world he had broken NC at a time like that? when the family was just beginning to heal from the trauma of the infidelity....
well...the husband didn't really have an explanation.
I think it may be vanity. They have this overblown sense of how important they are to the OW.He thought it may have been that he was feeling that is he died..he thought the OW would want to know etc.
something convoluted like that....
but, in that case..after everyone went bonkers... the older son refused to talk to the father for a year after this breach of NC...
well... that husband has finally, finally 'gotten it'.
Maybe the first d-day was false R in a way. And it took the second d-day to really clobber him with a 2x4.
Sorry, this is so long Nofun..but, I thought of this story when I heard yours...
there's obviously something about major illnesses and breaking NC...



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mm33...
your comment about your WH trolling the internet on only the best porn sites...made me laugh!
although.. I'm sure you feel like crying...
Sorry that he continues to do this to you...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle...
about my daughter's battling the ED... well his affair started about 6 months after we first realized there was a problem...and when I had gone into Mama bear overdrive trying to research and find whatever help there was out there for my daughter...
she continued to struggle with this for 5 yrs...
same length of time as the LTA...
she did not consciously know about the extent of his alcohol problem...I did a very good job of covering for him...
actually, I think, the LTA was HIS way of dealing with the stress and grief associated with dealing with a serious eating disorder...
the LTA was an escape.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam, I am glad the visit went well and that you enjoyed the mudslides.

allgoodnamesgone, hope you have a good date night, we got to go grocery shopping this week woohoo!

nofun, you should not have to worry about A crap while you are taking care of him. I think you putting his needs ahead of your just about sums up the relationship for many of us.

honesttoafault and njgal480 good to see you posting. Trynhard, paper roses and old dipstick, I hope you are doing well.

This has been an off week and weekend for me. I have felt like FWW and I can be friends, but I am not feeling the love. It may just be a pity party, but I am tired of her asking me waht I want and what she should do. Just please figure it out.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: thanks for the fistfight story...yes i am hoping too to laugh at all their nonsense one of these days...

and why are you entertaining visitors...shouldn't it be immediate family only???and arent they all immediate enough to pitch in and do something useful???

allgood: fill us in on date nite.....i do hope your feelings improved from earlier today..


njgal: ok i understand now, at first i thought it was she using the ed to cope with his alcoholism...not the other way around...

and that story for fun...how did it turn out in the end...or is it still a work in progress??


ats: there you go again...you have to stop this now....you need to believe....you need to have faith and you need to keep it and hold onto it...and things are not always going to feel right...that is a misconception if that is how you feel...the doubts are normal and expected...and you need to learn to give it a little time, commnicate with each other and be patient...you have so much patience with your wife and family..how about having some for yourself...i am starting to get the feeling that you have no patience for your own feelings...like you expect them to be a certain way ALL the time...and life doesn't work like that....we do not always like the people we love...accepting that makes life so much easier..that expectation level that people sometimes put upon themselves to feel something that is just not possible serves no purpose...and guess what it is more then ok not to like someone including your wife all the time...its when you never like her that there is an issue...not the sometimes...

talk talk talk to each other ats...you almost always feel better after the 2 of you "really" talk...not just the words but the emotions behind them


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

talk talk talk to each other ats...you almost always feel better after the 2 of you "really" talk

This is true, but what I am back to is the basics, she left me for other men, she confided in them, she shared dreams with them, she had sex with them, she told her friends and DDs about them.

What is there to talk about? This is why I am back to IC. She is sorry, she is ashamed, it is due to FOO issues, she is changing, all should be OK. There is no answer she can give that will change things, I see no reason to badger her over her As. It is just that the last few weeks I do not feel like I can just let by gones be.

sigh

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:21 AM, August 9th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Paper Roses
♀ Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just might have accidently submitted early or erased what I wrote? I will go with erased...and start over..
Hello,
I was jonesing and so i am writing but not really back from vacation.

no fun, I think he is looking for her because he wants to tell her he is ill and might die. Which means he feels connected, which means he is unworthy of you! If I am correct, that is, in which case , I am sorry.

I too was married to someone who would lie while his hand was in the cookie jar. He no longer lies and part of the reason may be that I stopped allowing it to bother me, I just ignored it. I pretended he was not lying and I spoke to the truth.

So this is what I would do. I would say, "I know you have been looking for her(no need to explain how or to argue the point) apparently you have a need to see and speak to her.

Look, Mr. No Fun, she is not here cleaning up after you, feeding you, paying your bills etc! You are entitled to your feelings, fine! I will care for you until you recover from this surgery. Then you will move in with your mother or sister or father or (whoever is available, not necessarily who he wants but available.)

You are NOT entitled to show me disrespect! You try to reach her again, Mr. No fun, and we make other arrangements for your care, period. We call mother, your sister your dad whatever.

You are required to treat me with respect as long as I am the person caring for you. You have done enough disrespectful things to me in this marriage. It stops now. Thanks for listening.

I think you have that right. If he wants to have his cake fine, he can go and have his cake elsewhere. I do not think you owe it to him to care for him for the next several months or years, if he is not going to be disrespectful.

When I discovered my husband was cheating he became sober, simultaneously. His AA friends thought he should leave me and told him so several, actually, many times. Apparently, I was not very good for his sobriety, according to them, because I was constantly giving him hell.

I thought about this...once..and I thought..well if he had killed someone with his car and then got sober.would the judge, family of the victim etc be giving him a break because he got sober? Not really! I decided he got sober in a crisis and he would just have to deal with his crisis!

If Mr. No Fun has created a shit storm in the middle of his crisis by looking for his mistress...well you did not create the shit storm he did..you are just having to deal with it! Do not protect him from the consequences of his actions no fun. Take care of you. That is my opinion on that and now I will shut up.

Otherwise I do not have time to comment on everyone but you all sound fairly fit.

I am ok, just wondering why it should have to be so damn hard? Why does it have to be so hard to just go away and enjoy myself with this man who has made a lot of progress and is really trying and has done a lot of work blah, blah.

I guess, because vacations are rare we do not get to practice them with the new improved version of the new improved husband and marriage very often and I just really miss the days before I knew my life had blown up.

I cannot help but remember when I thought I was married to a man who had never betrayed me and life was light and airy and we played in the pool and everyone around me looked light and airy and now there is this dark cloud and everyone I see I think ...I wonder "is he cheating or is she?"

Life is soiled and ugly and it just seems so much like it is not any fun anymore.

I guess I am not fun anymore and I hate that because now I have spoiled all the fun..it is my fault..because my fairytale got ruined..now I am not happy anymore.

So why can't I just grow up..well isn't that just what spoils the fun? If I grow up? I will sit up straight in my chair by the pool and read and not want to play in the pool with my adored husband because I have done just that...I have grown up? I have grown up and I now see the world as it is?

I ruin all the fun...I used to be the fun one?


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun: Hang in there. ((Fun))

Ats:

but I am tired of her asking me waht I want and what she should do. Just please figure it out.

Whoa! This is good! It's one thing if you keep telling her what you want & she's not really listening or following up on that, but to show concern for your needs.... well, that's great isn't it?

My H& I had a good time last night. Despite my alcohol intake, I only discussed the A in broad terms - my 2 big drunken revelations were: 1/ We drifted apart, not just because we failed to pay attention to our relationship, but because we are very different, perhaps incompatible; and 2/ I think that my H has been the only person I ever loved& the only person I ever had sex with is hindering my ability to "get over" that he loved/had sex with someone else.
(Of course, he took the latter statement to mean that I want to have sex with other people now... Which is not what I was saying at all.)

Anyway. I believe my H is one of those people that is yet to hit rock bottom & it will only be when he loses everything that he will really put in the kind of effort I see from other WS.

For example, yesterday I told him to get all proofof his double life out of this house. I left the backpack with the thing that set me off yesterday right by his dresser & he didn't even empty that, never mind look through the house.

So, Ats, while your W may not "get" you completely, she still seems to be 100% on board with improving your relationship. So, sorry, no pity party for you.

But, as to getting over the A itself. Well, that's asking a lot of yourself. I was totally on the brink of telling my H last night, and mind you I was not angry at all, that there is seriously no way I am ever getting over this. I believe that 90%.

But, Ats - what happened? - you have been in such great spirits?

PaperRoses:

I guess I am not fun anymore and I hate that because now I have spoiled all the fun..it is my fault..because my fairytale got ruined..now I am not happy anymore.

No, no no.

Yes - I totally relate to the view of the world changing and not being able to be fun or 100% happy again. But, it's not your fault.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Nofun,
I am sorry you have discovered your H still has some sort of longing to see OW.. or whatever he feels that need to re-look. For me, I too would feel injured. For some reason, I do think my W has done the exact same thing. No proof like you but since I have looked at old girlfriends on Facebook with some longing, I just assume it is true. It does not mean I plan on contacting them.

I will give you a suggestion on how to handle. IMO, sick or not sick, I would communicate my feelings. You are going to have to overcome that fear you have of talking about your own feelings with your H. You are wearing a mask. You are hiding behind his own illness.

Dear Spouse,

I want you to know how I feel about your longing for another person, search for a new partner or past love. When I know you take those actions, searching for, or looking for someone, I hurt. I took a walk and I started crying. I cried for 15 minutes until I just could not cry anymore. My mind thinks over and over, I am not wanted. It might feel the same as you feeling cancer might take your life. I am scared. The tears fall from my eyes as I think about not being loved. I fear you do not know want me. I fear the challenge of me finding another partner. Happiness to me is someone that can be true to me, someone that won’t be searching for another person. Happiness is me solidly knowing my husband only wants to be with me the rest of my life. True love to me is the respect, honesty, gifts of caring, and assurance my marriage is fidelity for life. I choose to sill love you. Deep in my soul, my feelings are desire and a longing for you. As hard as it will be, I can also choose not to love you.

I pray your sickness is heal and I love you with all my heart.


That is what I would do...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those who heal and successfully R, there is not such a place.

You know ATS, I think this is a great idea. Maybe you can request such a topic in the I Can Relate forum from the Mods. I'll bet there are a lot of success stories and having a place for them to come to and share their success with those of us who struggle and need some positive reinforcement to "keep the faith" just might be very beneficial.
Great Idea!!!
I just got back from a mini vacation and am trying to catch up (so hard to do ) but I did want to send lots of hugs to NoFun. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to continue to nurse your H while dealing with this latest violation. I know I would definitely have to tell him what I discovered. I think you may have to do this too. IMHO it is just not healthy for you to keep such a secret to yourself no matter how bad it is for your H right now. I was a hospice volunteer and the one thing we were always told was that we needed to encourage the caregiver to care for themselves. If you keep sacrificing your own needs eventually you will suffer physically, emotionally and spiritually and then you will no longer be able to attend to anyone else. Take care of yourself. Let go of this burden. It is best for all of you, but most especially for your own well-being.
((((((NoFun)))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats:

she left me for other men, she confided in them, she shared dreams with them, she had sex with them, she told her friends and DDs about them

well first off she didn't leave you, she chose you...the rest she certainly did....and it is all past....your feelings and hurt is not past but the actions themselves are....you are going to go through these ups and downs, it is part of processing all the pain and hurt you felt and feel...that cannot be helped...but giving into those feelings of dispair is not going to make you feel any better....pick up your head and walk proud of how far you BOTH have come and are continuing to come...you have lots of time in between where those feelings of dispair take a back seat...eventually they will move into the trunk....when they move into the trunk it will be a happy day, and you are getting there...please have some faith in yourself...


roses:

I am ok, just wondering why it should have to be so damn hard? Why does it have to be so hard to just go away and enjoy myself with this man who has made a lot of progress and is really trying and has done a lot of work blah, blah

the why is easy its the what to do about it thats hard...plain and simple you are afraid, afraid he will hurt you yet again, not to mention you still feel the hurt....

we are all driven by one of two emotions...fear or love...the key is to try and do the driving with love....whether its love of self or love of others....always drive yourself to your next destination with love


allgood:

there is seriously no way I am ever getting over this. I believe that 90%

and you will continue to live for that 10% chance because you do love him...and lets face it he is not the brightest bulb on how to fix this, but he is trying...and he is still doing everything you ask...he does not know how to initiate anything though and he does not know the words to use and he does not know what you want without you spelling it out for him letter by letter...some of this can be learned, some cannot...but until that 90 becomes a 100 you need to keep on keepin on...for your own peace of mind for the future...not to mention because you love him.....and i think he basically is a good man who did very stupid things, stupid, hurtful bad things....


fun, i agree with tryn..you need to talk to him now, not wait til he is better, keeping all of this in is not doing you any good.....

welcome back fnf, i hope your mini vacation was a good one..

((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, Ats - what happened? - you have been in such great spirits?

I don't know, I really am feeling OK about life and everything. I had a great retreat at work, fun weekend with the family. Getting set for DS18 to go to college is working out.

I just have not felt "in love" with FWW for a little over a week. We have fun working together, I am not angry; I just do not feel more. We have not had sex for over a week and that is fine. I just cringe a little bit when I think of holding or kissing her. I am also having trouble sleeping again.

IC gave me some assignments last session, I am not doing well finding answers to how I can effectively soothe my feelings of anger, hurt, mis-trust, and disgust without unnecessarily throwing the A back into FWW's face by talking about it? I am not comfortable with the idea of just letting time erode the rough edges off these feelings. If it feels wrong now, why shouldn't it 5 years from now?

nofun, I agree with most (all?) of the others that you need to confront Mr. nofun sooner rather than later. It does not need to be mean spirited or hurtful, but an honest discussion of your feelings and your perceptions.

I am ok, just wondering why it should have to be so damn hard? Why does it have to be so hard to just go away and enjoy myself with this man who has made a lot of progress and is really trying and has done a lot of work blah, blah.

Paper Roses, it sounds like we are kind of in the same place right now. I feel bad that things are not better, and even more so because FWW is doing her part. What is it about me that I am unwilling to jump into the pool?

...since I have looked at old girlfriends on Facebook with some longing,...

Trynhard, I tried this, at one time I wanted to try to have my own A. I found one old girlfriend who refused to "friend" me on Facebook, and one who is married to another woman , and the rest have dropped off the Earth. I suppose I should be happy that FWW is still with me.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"We can go in the corner to lick our wounds (which I know I tend to do), keep scratching at it and picking at it, or tend to it and deal with the pain, possibly having it open to let all the infection out and apply medicine and care until it starts to heal. But the scar will always be there. Sometimes, the place that was healed is even stronger (like a broken bone)
Ok, enough with my analogies which used to drive xWH crazy."
Honest - I love your analogies - keep them coming!

Me, I'm the scratching and picking at them kind of gal but your post reminded me of my MC's advice to me and my H that the best way to heal was to lance the wound, let out all the ugliness and work on dealing with it (just like you said) and then the true and lasting healing can begin.
I too feel that I will always have a sadness as a result my H's LTA. It is something I accept and if one day I find myself free of this sadness then it will be good but it's not something I believe will happen for me.
ETA - oops - forgot to put Honest's comment in a quote box.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:48 AM, August 9th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.