I held out hope for so long also, want....but now realize the real feelings I have are mine and NPD's obviously don't think, feel, act, or respond the same way you or I would, so I've been learning.
I feel like we can add some attributes THEY find attractive in us, such as our optimism and hope. BUT, these also have gotten me in BIG trouble. Just because "I" can try to find the positive in a situation, doesn't mean "he" will try to make a negative into a positive, if that makes sense.
As I sit all melancholy, reminiscing, which softens me up, AND could get me in trouble, there is NO WAY IN HELL he's sitting doing the same thing and I have to remember this...which is hard to. For him to have been THERE, PRESENT, EXPERIENCING all I described in my previous post and STILL go out and do what he did and lie like he has, without conscience, remorse, guilt, is what I need to remember when that softness comes about in me...these are my feelings alone. He obviously doesn't think like I do and though he will say he misses me or loves me...it's NOT going to be the same as those of us without NPD expressing that.
There has to be a bigger plan for you. NO Greater Being would put you through this without there being a bigger plan for you. You are a giving and caring person. There is a place for you out there that will return joy to your heart.
Frank...this is so sweet, thank you for this, and I hope to God you are right. I just wish He'd give me a clue, and soon, what that purpose might be!!
The desperate hope stage ends when you accept what and who you are dealing with. And accept that He is untreatable. When you realize there is not point in trying. No point in hoping. And wishing is useless. When you realize that HE is just an inanimate object.
Much like that favorite pair of shoes that are completely worn out and chewed up by the dog. You know it is useless to try to save them and you hate like hell to get rid of them. You are comfortable with them. You will never find another pair that comfortable. You will never be able to wear them again......Your hope of wearing them again some day is keeping you hanging on. Every day you look at that pair of shoes and it hurts cause deep down you know you have to get rid of them......
When you finally get tired of trying to fix them and repair them and you give up hope of saving them......that is when the desperate hope is gone.....you can get rid of them now. You will miss them. You will refuse to wear shoes for a while. But then you get a new pair that fit even better and you wonder why you didn't get rid of the old shoes waaaaay sooner.
That is when the desperately hoping stage ends. When you are tired of trying to fix him and repair him and realize it is hopeless....that is when you will be ready to throw him out with yesterday's trash. That is when you will no longer be reminded of how broken he is. That is when you will detach.
When you see that pair of shoes you see what they looked like when they were new and pretty. When you start seeing what they really look like now, it will be easier to throw them in the trash.
Status: S & D'ing
I'm now understanding the depths of NPD on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level I will NEVER understand how one man could take something so beautiful and DESTROY it and destroy the person who loved him, despite his many flaws, loved his children deeply and fully, and wanted to for the rest of our lives, for what???? For what???
Is probably what made me cry. I feel for you, I really do. Over 5 years for me and I'm finally putting my life back together and just moving on .... with or without his help with our girls.
He's losing the battle of keeping up his lies. I can throw his words back at him now just as fast. He can't spin me around because I refuse to be a child's toy top. I see the lies and I see him. But it's hard.
His so called "apology" that I had longed to hear for so long had FINALLY come out.... but at a time when I no longer wanted one.
And after thinking about what he said :
"My therapist has been teaching me that I need to apologize to everyone that I've hurt."
Me: "I don't care it no longer matters to me anymore."
Him: "I have to say it anyway... I'm truly sorry for any pain and hurt I have caused you and I want to do this so that maybe you can heal and I also want to heal and change."
??? Really?? I just told him to stop being so self centered I have healed and I'm happy. I'm finishing college and getting my PTA license next year and I'll be getting a job that starts out anywhere from $50-60 grand a year PLUS I am finishing up my admin medical billing degree next year as well which will add on another $10 grand a year to my salary. I'll be able to support my kids and myself and move as far away as possible from him and never have to deal with his stupid ass ever again. (Except maybe when it comes to the kids)
How selfish and immature it was of him to apologize in the middle of an argument in order to try and manipulate my feelings so that he could get what he wants.
He'll act all "goody goody" for awhile then just cycle back to his usual ways... but this time I won't follow along.
It's SO frustrating.
There's nothing like getting an apology, however long it took later, that his therapist has been "teaching him" to say. It just felt so contrived. WTF is wrong with these people? Well, I guess we know don't we??
Hold me tight from Sue Johnson also helped me with how I responded and diffuse some of the hatred he throws at me..but its a daily struggle as dealing with him has turned me into a raging harpie LOL.
I just picked up, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life by Susan anderson. I got mostly all from my local library..
Everytime I start to question and wonder if maybe the issue is ME and question my sanity, I read up on this website..
It helps to remind me that no, I do not imagine things or need to feel guilty of things he puts on me.
It is a daily struggle, at times I feel like I am trying to break the habit of dealing with him. Always having to analyze, over think plans, double question everything, try and prepare/brace yourself for the hit- it is exhausting!!!
No contact is possibly the best thing you can do when dealing with him, other than getting the heck away from them..we have kids together-not as easy for some of us.
Those without kids, be grateful you can cut your losses and run..sorry for those that end up losing out more than the NPD..but I guess technically we always end up losing more..
Do we ever really get over a relationship like this, or does it affect our lives forever.
Last night I went to church and he said earlier in the day he was going, when he got home he said he was too tired and would I mind if he stayed home, I said not at all. I left the house at 6:45 and at 7:06 he was on his tranny porn site and shemale porn site, that is all he watches lately. So I looked up some blogs on it and some say it is curiousity and some say he is gay. I have not caught him chatting yet or having any secret emails or social network accounts, he stayed on those porn sites for 45 minutes.
Then when I got home at 9:00 he said willingly without me asking that he took a shower, played scrabble and then layed down and watched tv.
Yet he continues to act like he cares about me, folding my clothes and asking me if there is anything he get me, calling me all day from work, telling me he is sorry for working late and calling me as soon as he is on his way home.
I understand what NPD is but I am beginning to wonder if there is a direct connection sociopath with him, it seems a little scary that he can put up such a front, then when I am not around he is watching tranny porn and shemale porn.
I will never understand why this is happening, it seems like alot of effort to keep me around as a constant reminder of what he did to me, having a so called ONS and giving me an STD and now porn, I can only wonder what else is going on, what other secrets is he keeping from me.
I pray, I go to church and I go to IC and nothing really seems to make me feel better, the only time I feel safe and sound is when he is at work.
How do we become codependent on someone so sick, how do we break free from this sickness and live a normal life?
I know that I can never confront him, I know that he will never tell me the truth about anything, so what do I do?
WHen he came home from work yesterday he said that he was trying to be a better man and say something nice to me and could not understand why I was mad at him, I said it is going to take me some time to get used to it, I did not know what else to say, I know I wanted to say you are sick and you need help but I didn't.
I am finding it harder to keep my mouth shut and constantly feel like a fool being in this situation, I do not have the confidence I had when I was younger and worked three jobs.
We had a conversation the other night and he was saying words that I never heard before and when I asked him what they meant he said that is how the younger crowd decribe sex, I thought it was strange that he knew that because he is 46 years old but he siad he heard it in a video.
I find myself examining him when he talks and when laughs, asking him a question just to see how he responds, trying to play into his need for admiration, listening to him intently when he talks and all the while feeling like a complete jerk for still living in this house and putting up with this crap.
I am settling becuase I cannot figure out what else to do, and I continue to be miserable knowing that this is not real.
Together ten years bought a house and moved to another state and it only took the MC three visits to diagnose him NPD, now that I know I apply it to everything he does and says.
I am trying to detatch, yet everytime I think it is working he says something or does something to make me think the diagnosis is wrong, for instance ther is a womens retreat in October and he said that he wnats me go because he thinks it will be good for me, all I can think is what are his motives, it is a weekend retreat and he volunteere to watch the kids and pay for it.
I am trying to stay strong and figure this out, I need an exit plan but have no idea what to do so I jsut pray that things don't get to bad that I have to settle for the streets until something comes through.
I am better than this and deserve to be happy instead I feel lonely and miserable because he continues to controls everything and probably gets some wierd thrill out of knowing I have nowhere else to go.
In my melancholy yesterday about the kids and school, I slipped up a bit, which is why I need to keep up my guard, NOT get soft on anything, which is a sucky way to live.
I ended up breaking NC momentarily to send him a text:
me: I'm wishing your boys well on their 1st day back to school, esp DS2 in middle school. No need to respond. Don't ever want to revisit the ugly turn this took.
NPD him: Thanks. I will let them know.
me: Thank you, I do appreciate that. You know I will always love them and I hope someday they know that too.
him: We all love you
me: Thanks. Ditto from me & the cats.
My bad but this is WHY I can't let my guard down, can't soften up, even about the kids...it puts me in DANGER zone...
I started keeping a little journal at my office (away from him in a safe place) making note of his cruel quotes and behavior to keep me on track. I spoke to lawyer today, got a referral to a mediator, since he has agreed to do it fairly and seamlessly just because he's too cheap to fight it in court. (not that I want that, I want it over and to be away from him)
I'm worried he's moved some investments around to cheat me out of some assets, although I'd have enough with the ones I know about so at this point I just want out. I'm also nervous that he still thinks I won't go thru with it.
Too bad I already have asked the lawyer to start the paperwork. I'll have to be cautious when paying her, to him it's still "OUR" money and he says "we don't have enough" so he wants to use a friend to submit our paperwork to save the $$$. I told him I want someone impartial to protect me too and of course he threatened to get his father's lawyer and take everything.... nice. I was waiting for that. He just wants it on HIS terms. Somehow the A-Hole still feels entitled for "all the stuff I did to him" (like staying for 1 1/2 yrs after the A thru at least 6 mos of lies, the MOW is still a coworker, I haven't outed anyone, and I was still compromising as of a week ago---- that's a bad wife for ya) and "whatta great birthday he's gonna have" -
I didn't bother reminding him that his A happened over Valentines Day 2010 for which I surprised him with booking a long weekend trip to Vegas for our 10th anniversary a few months later. Found out about the A in March, some lies lies and more lies, and STILL went on the damn trip! AND got crap during it for being sad or not into the party scene or not into him particularly.
Then tonight mentioning his birthday again, asking if "we" were doing anything as a family. I said "like what?" He said "nevermind I'll just be going out" I said "feel free to spend the time with your kids" he said "no, I don't want to be around you" I said "that's just your problem, you put YOU first" I guess that might be classified as "poking the tiger" but this is the jackass who wants 50/50 custody. He won't last a week.
And then there's moments like tonight, my 2 yr old sang her ABCs for the first time for us and I was so proud of her and gave her so much love and hugs and kisses, but it made me sooo sad since he has screwed up moments like that for us to enjoy as a family. He doesn't even appreciate it.
I will have to share my 3 miracles who I fought to bring into this world with fertility treatments with that cold cruel selfish ass.
Thx for listening...I have to stay mad... keep my perspective and get the hell out.
Thankfully I had an IC appt today because it's been a tear-fest day. Even what I thought was a benign text exchange I wrote above fed his NPD. Another lesson to me. "Normal" people would look at that as how nice, she's thinking of my boys. NPD look at is as I'm interested in HIM....
Soooo IF I have any interest in his kids, I need to defer it, certainly NOT take it to him or through him, but rather maybe through the mother of one of their friends that I've become great friends with.
And, as much as I've read about NPD and educated myself over the past couple of weeks, per my IC, it's now time to shift my focus back on me and my healing...so again, Southside...your recommended reading list is timely and priceless!!
I do like Frank's analogy better thou ...
But it's so hard to think of someone as an inanimate object when they take care of my children ... when I have to TRUST that thing with my kids and their lives.
Llanden - great point. It's true too. But so hard when it's not in your nature to behave that way.
It's amazing how predictable my H has become. The nasty hit rock bottom (as it does) then he switches to nice, on the surface that is... This morning his tune changed, he's offering in a text message that if I "give us more time to work on things for the kids, then I can stop working and stay home with the kids to reduce my stress".
All I can say is LMFAO. I can see right through it. So then I can't leave him right? (in his mind anyway)
“When he looks at himself in the morning, and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror”.
I have been reading a lot about the hope we all hold onto in recent posts. And yep, the hope is really hard to let go of.
Truth is, I 98% believe XWS is gonna be a mirror washer for the rest of his life. This is up from the 95% of last month. Don't know if that 2% will ever die, but I am able to move on with my life (painful as it is) even with that 2% in place.
And ya know, the more he washes that mirror instead of his own face, the uglier he gets. He still can't see it. But I can...finally.
Wishing everyone a peaceful day. No matter what they are doing, try to be grateful you can at least truly see yourself in the mirror. Next step...try to smile at yourself. You are worth it.
[This message edited by bent44 at 1:34 PM, September 2nd (Friday)]
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
And ya know, the more he washes that mirror instead of his own face, the uglier he gets. He still can't see it.
What wonderful wisdom, bent! Thanks for sharing this analogy. It's perfect.
(((Tribe))) Praying you all have a peaceful Labor Day weekend.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
He blames his ex wife for his marriage splitting up the first time. He had absolutely no responsibility for it. Bull. NPD all the way.
This shit is scary!!!!!
Have a good Labor Day Everyone. Do something selfish for yourself this weekend!!!!
I never even realized how many there are. VERY sad....especially they FALLOUT they create.
My NPD stbx has everyone believing that I left him because I stopped loving him and that he tried to work it out. Holy Moly! What a crock, the man never did a thing to fix our marriage. I left because he was getting physically abusive and he cheated. I do not believe the he can ever changed because he has even recently rewritten him first marriage history. He is telling all that she cheated on him too. I believe that he has been the cheater in every relationship. He once told me that his last gf was physically abusive when she drank....hmmmm sounds a lot like Mr. Wonderful.
I tried to believe that he would change for the last 3 years but no more. We got into a huge fight when I outted him to everyone as the cheater. Oh man was he livid, he actually tried to brow beat me and control me. I hung up on him and won't answer his calls. He no longer has control of me because I am finally detaching after 11 months. He is always going to be NPD. I do not believe that they can change because they do not see anything wrong with them, it is always us not them.
I pray that everyone sees the NPD for what they are and please leave before they get violent. I almost waited to long. Stay safe and try to see them for what they really are...broken beyond repair.