and the fun part is my NPD XWH blamed me for his crap relationship with his kids.
Exactly....and they expect you to fix it for them too.
Well....once the players in the NPD's game stop playing by the NPD's rules, they usually slither off to bother some other poor unsuspecting soul.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
Sighs..so much work.
It's only every other weekend, and Ds has been going on the train. This means I have more contact again. Ds is getting on the train, this is the station, this is the time. You understand. He X gets more contact, more monitoring. I'm feeling it. But I don't have the 3 hour drive. However, it was DD b-day, and I talked to him about letting DS stay for here for dinner, and putting him on the later train.(first phone conversation in months) Lots of running around, and also told him (I slipped) that DS is having reservations about coming out now, he might want to start to offer to take him out here for some weekend stuff. (I've been moving around weekends, but he's getting older and in a moment of compassion I was trying to give him a pointer)
Well, big mistake. He was threatened. His ds is staying for DD birthday on his time. His DS is thinking about not coming? So I am running around working, shopping, making party arrangements and DS calls and says "Dad said I can have friends come on the train, he said you can pick them up and make plans for them so I can have sleepovers in the city this weekend."
I am making a mad scramble for my DD birthday celebration and he is making me play weekend planner for his weekend. I saw red. He doesn't even know the parents (has never gone to one school function or anything the last 4 years) sees his kids on average 4 days a month. Now I am the cruise director.
I know it was a bad idea to mention DS reservations. I was feeling nice. Feeling compassion. I told DS that his dad needs to make plans for sleepover with parents when it is at his home. DS of course said "well you are the one taking me out there, that's what X said" I was just GRRR. I said, "I am responsible for children at my home, your father needs to be responsible for children at his home.
These parents have no idea who I am dealing with!!! They dont know I am dealing with a crazy person!! I can feel his tentacles creeping back in and I need to stop this before it starts. AAAhhh? Any suggestions?
I found out from our hairdresser that he has been lying to her about me and told her that I left because I didn't love him anymore. He told her that I was coming over for dinners and a bunch or lies. He also told her that he is fine being single because he has been married 3 times and prefers to be single. Well duh, when you live like you are single for 12 years when you're married of course you like it. Oh, he also told her that one of my issues was that I didn't want to be friends with the MOW gutter slut that he is cheating on me with. Now I wonder why I don't consider her a friend?
I got angry after learning all this and I thought for hours about posting on my FB page. I finally decided to do it and exposed him and his cheating and lying about me. It didnt take long for him to start calling me and emailing me. I 180'd him and so he emailed me that he will not discuss our personal matters in email. Yeah cause you can't brow beat me in an email and if you try I can show it to the judge.
It was fun to poke the bear for the first time in 12 years!!
I am happy you are finding strength and courage to take control of your life. I am happy for you also that you took a stand on the crap he has been spreading.
But......beware of the angry bear. You are blowing his image......OUCH!!!! That will sting him where it hurts. Expect a backlash.....do not engage at this point or any point forward. This will be stuck in his nut sack until he exorcises it. This represents loss of control for him and his theatrics. This one man act is being exposed as fraud and he is going to go into damage control mode. He is going to have to prove to the world that you are evil and he is good.....but first he has to stop the threat to him image....that is you. His focus will be to try to get you back under control so he can go spin stories about how crazy you are and that you are only talking this trash because he won't come back to you.
He told her that I was coming over for dinners and a bunch or lies. He also told her that he is fine being single because he has been married 3 times and prefers to be single.
Translation: "I am soooooo desirable that she is kissing my ass. But I am single and available. Do you or anyone you know want a piece of this handsom hunk of viril man flesh???? I am a real prize but I am too good to be with just one woman....it is not fair to the rest of the women in the world. I just wish there was more of me to go around."
Status: S & D'ing
*sigh* I'm thinking my X is a NPD/sociopath type of person with the behavior that I am now seeing. I'll have to finish reading before I post anymore.
I do not care what he says now because I feel better having outted him finally. All I want now is to take back my life and get him out of it. He deserves to be a lonely old man with no one who really cares about him. He actually changed his face book profile pic to a Phoenix. He has always considered himself this but now is using it to show people that he will rise out of the asses of this horrible marriage. Could he be more pathetic? I had to laugh when I saw it this morning.
The way you translated his comments about being single was so spot on. That is exactly the message he conveys to people. He is Mr. Life of the party, Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Fun Time. I have told him many times "if people knew you like do they wouldn't like you" and he has agreed with me. Scary!
I won't do anything else to provoke him but it felt good to find my spine and take back some of my self respect. Now I will continue on my path and be able to know that I have been right since day 1, he never wanted to reconcile and he is NPD extreme.
Onward and Upward!!
He actually changed his face book profile pic to a Phoenix. He has always considered himself this but now is using it to show people that he will rise out of the asses of this horrible marriage. Could he be more pathetic?
SVB Phoenix is also one of my XNPDWH 'user names' on a forum. When he moved out he actually said to me "I'm always having to start again - jobs, relationships etc". Well duh you freaking moron. That's because you know better than your numerous employers, you keep getting yourself 'injured' whether it's "Oh my shoulder hurts" or "Oh I'm having a nervous breakdown" so you can sit on your ass at home lording it on FB .. then because you are so amazing you'll rise from the ashes and start a new life and everyone will say how great you are and how you finally deserve some happiness. Except those that can see through your bullshit.
Too bad you have to take yourself with you you selfish NPD asshole.
Hmmm .. I think I'm a tad angry today
"Live the best life possible."
My X is definitely passive-aggressive .... I know he's been this way our entire marriage. He'd be so loving and the "yes" man right to your face but "oops sorry I forgot I'll get that done right away!!!" ..... and still "forget" to do it, or be too busy....
Anyway recently a girl that lives in my apartment building had started to talk to me with her friend ..... they were very .... timid/shy/scared? I couldn't think of a why. I mean I know I'm kind of intimidating being almost a 6ft woman and I don't smile much .... so I just sort of chalked it up to that. I started saying hi and smiling so be a better neighbor and friendlier.
Well anyway to make a long story short .... they both knew my X. The friend was actually having an affair with him while he was with the OW (the one he left me for). See she had told the OW that her and my X were sleeping together for the last 4 years (we've been apart for over 5). She said that after she got to know me and saw I SO wasn't what he said I was.... she started to see all the lies he had been telling. She went over to his house and told the OW about their A. He had lied to her about the OW and me ... lied about so many things. Told her how HORRIBLE and mean I was. How I never wanted to have sex and I would withhold it to "punish" him or to get my way... so he would always have to look elsewhere for affection.... like 5-6 times. That is what he did to me ... I was always LOOKING for more ways to try to make him more affectionate. So 5 years after we have split up I find out he had cheated on me more than once. That didn't really bother me as much as the lies he told people. I blackmailed him, how much he hated me because I was so terrible... how I 'blackmailed" him ...
Everything I have ever done or had tried to do to make him happy he turned around to make me look like the bad person.
Anyway, he completely blame shifted/gas lighted the OW (the one he left me for and had an affair on) and she totally believes him. His phone that she "took" away was replaced with a brand spankin new phone that he frequently "shows" me things on. Like..
"Oh I took pictures here look on my NEW phone.."
He frequently changes dates with getting the girls. He doesn't help with paying the sitters, I've lost jobs, and anytime I try to pull myself up and out he does whatever he can (usually in a hidden way) to sabotage me. I had another huge post about the crap he's pulled and has been pulling with the sitters and the schedule. Anytime I put my foot down and tell him "Sorry you are not getting the girls until you become more reliable" he just goes against everything, throws a fit and one time even brought a sheriff along to get the kids because "it was his right".
I've tried to act "as if" he wasn't in my life and just made plans with sitters but he screws that up as well. My mom helps me as much as she can but he pulls his crap with her and I think even she's getting a little fed up with the last minute changes. I don't blame her .... I'm frustrated beyond belief.
But the worst thing that has been bothering me is his treating our oldest DD (14) like she is his property and only HE has the answers. He's OBSESSED with her. When I moved to this town (he has lived here) he completely took over everything. He changed her school records to his address as being primary address.... wouldn't tell me when any meetings were taking place, was pretty much being a dictator with her school work ... making her stay over at his house more than her little sisters.
I'm 98% sure he's a sex addict. Now that I know a lot of the stuff he's been doing (this other girl and I have been talking and she's been telling me things) every disturbing thing I see my girls doing ... is mirroring just about EVERY bad thing he is doing.
I have tried to tell him how obsessed he is with her and trying to hint at where I "think" the problems are coming from but he denies it all.
I caught my two little daughters (5 and 7) doing very inappropriate things. Recently I walked around the corner and saw my DD 5 sitting in her bean bag with her legs open and telling her DD7 to "rub her pp" ..... I even told this to my X and all he could think about was how our oldest had lied about wanting to go play paintball with her BF ....
He was pissed that I had punished her without him ... but he hadn't called or talked to me in almost 4 days so I just made a decision.
Anyway .... I'm trying to figure out how to deal with him and possibly just keep my kids away from him. They are HORRIBLE when they come back from his house. They fight with each other, provoke each other, instigate fighting ... it's terrible. After an extended period of time away from him they start to behave so much better....
He has a good 85-90 % of any symptoms I have read about a NPD having.
He's "forbid" me to let my girls near that "bitch" he was having an affair with. She lies, is a stalker and likes to stir up trouble.
Problem is I know the truth .... I SAW the emails back when they started, I SAW all the things he had been doing with other girls as well. I KNOW the truth and she's actually a really nice person. (except for the fact that she fell for his lies... but then again so did I for awhile)
She hasn't caused any problems. She doesn't ever talk about him in front of the kids. Anytime she does need to talk or I need to it's in chat or when the girls aren't home. She's offered to help me watch them because she KNOWS what he does when I try to get sitters and how he runs them off.
She's told me that he told her several times that all I want to do is "Live off him, his money and sit at home and be lazy" and she knows now that it is just not true. I LOVE being home with my kids.... but my god being with them 24/7 kinda drives me nuts sometimes LOL. I Love working. I love having a job and being proud of being able to support myself and my kids. I Love showing my girls that we can be self sufficient and be happy. I hate just sitting around my house. It drives me bonkers.
So there it is. I'm stuck and I'm not sure how to deal with him or to even get away from him. I wish I could move but that's just not an option right now.
Back to IC I go.
I'm having a really hard time today and I'm not even in the position that many of your are, because we aren't married, nor have children together. BUT since I was unable to have children, got VERY attached to his and "our family" that he pretended we were, and he was a damn good pretender.
ETA: By the way, I'm well into my 2nd NPD Book:
The Object of my Affection is in my Reflection: Coping with Narcissists by Rokelle Lerner
I'm actually finally into the section about Surviving A Narcissistic Relaitonship: Breaking the Spell and Coming to Life
Much needed today....
[This message edited by SierraGrace at 3:33 PM, August 28th (Sunday)]
He thinks that he can do and say what he likes however hurtful, if I complain about anything heís done this then starts a major argument it was my fault for starting it. If he does something to make me unhappy then itís my fault because Iím the unhappy one. I am to blame for absolutely everything. He canít be blamed for anything at all or he goes mental, heís nothing but perfect and does all he can to make me happy Ė apparently.
He gets so defensive if I want to talk that I darenít bring the issues up. He then goes on to twist everything when I do. I try now not to bring any issues up at all, itís the easiest way. The thing is, it really is making me react in a way that I never have done previously. I find that I canít drink when out with him because when sober I can keep all of this unhappiness inside me, but when Iíve been drinking I canít and the issues come out and turns into a huge argument, which of course is my fault as I started it Ė and heís right because I was the one that lost it, but he canít accept that there are reasons. He canít seem to accept that anything he does/says has consequences in fact?
He cheated on me a year ago, he would never admit that he did but I knew and later got proof. I was going to leave but in the end he talked me around. Even though heíd not admit what heíd done he made lots of promises to build the trust back up but never stuck to one. Heís never shown one ounce of remorse, not even guilt that he was caught, just anger if I dare bring it up. A year on I still have major trust issues but itís my fault because I should just let go, I need to put the past behind me and look to the future. How heís never known such a pessimistic person as me, never known anyone who is unable to be optimistic about the future. How it drains him, how Iím sucking the life out of him by living in the past.
The lies too and also lies by omission. Heíll tell me heís going to be in one place, then go to another instead, heíll even call me and still let me believe heís at the original place. When I find out he says he wasnít lying, things changed and he just didnít tell me and I never asked. He canít get that itís been dishonest and says if Iíd have asked then he would have told me. Why would I ask when as far as I was aware I already knew where he was going?!
Heís caused me so many issues and insecurities itís unbelievable. Through Ė well everything really. His sarky comments, his snide remarks and sly put downs. Iíd be stupid if I had a brain, Iím useless. I hardly dare speak to him these days because I know the routine now if I bring up a problem or something that is worrying me. He has one reaction for anything I could say and thatís to blow up. We canít just have a normal argument and then talk, itís an explosion then he wonít speak to me for days, weeks sometimes even. Iím just ignored even though he knows how much that pisses me off, in fact since the day that I told him that heís done it more and more often. It feels like he ignores me to teach me a lesson.
He makes endless promises to get his own way with things, then as soon as he has his way he says things have changed and never sticks to his side of the Ďdealí with anything. If I try to explain how itís wrong then itís my fault again for starting the argument that follows. The promises that heís broken, too many to count, he uses these things as a carrot to dangle in front of me.
He has this ability to twist everything that I say and heís so pedantic. I just donít think that he can deal with a relationship in any other way to how he deals with work (high powered job) at work people do as he says, he makes the final decision, he fires people he can do whatever he likes. And he expects the same in our relationship?
On the other hand Ė he can be the nicest guy youíd ever meet and ohhh heís so generous with his money. Heís far from selfish with anything financial or material wise and never treats my kids any differently to his, they all get the same. Heís also the sweetest and loveliest guy around as long as Iím not Ďrocking the boatí or causing him any Ďstressí eg if I just let him do/say what he likes and itís the times like those that are the reason Iím still here. He tells me how much he loves me, how he canít bear life without me Ė but he doesnít seem to have any actions to back up his lovely words? The thing is, things would be as good as that every day Ė if I didnít bring up any issues Ė the ones that he causes! Iíve been trying to do that, stick a smile on my face and keep it inside so we have a great couple of weeks and then it builds up and all comes out Ė and thatís my fault too. Iíve been feeling more and more like an elastic band being stretched and ready to snap. I did and it all came out - again. Now he says Iím bi-polar and that I canít deal without drama in my life
Why canít he GET it and just be normal?? Why canít he just sit down and be able to have a conversation and deal with things as they happen? Why canít he do what he says heís going to do when he makes all these promises? Why canít he get that if heíd stuck to his promises a year ago then the trust would be much higher and half of the problems today would be gone? Why canít he get that itís his fault that theyíre not? But no, I brought it up so itís my fault. And then I'll probably be ignored a little more
Everyone sees him as this nice guy, Iím so lucky blah blah blah. What a wonderful guy he is, and he is, heís a real charmer. If only they knew the mind games he plays.
I feel like Iím going crazy, I feel so worthless, we have full conversations where we make plans and agree things, he tells me later the conversation never happened and that Iím lying (because he no longer wants to do what we had planned or has changed his mind on the agreements).
He agreed we couldnít carry on like this, he told me to write down how things can be solved. I wrote a long mail telling him what I see as the problems. He read a few lines and refused to read anymore (although I know he read it all) said he wasnít reading it as Iíd not sent what he asked for which was something to give him hope, how that didnít surprise him and he didnít think Iíd be able to manage it.
He canít accept that heís anything other than this perfect and wonderful man.
Is it just a clash of personalities or could he be NPD maybe? Itís hard to explain, heís got me so confused about everything, twisted too many things that sometimes I wonder if it really is me. I feel brainwashed.
At the moment we are not speaking, Iím being punished again like a child. I think I need to take steps towards my own future. Iíve basically had enough... I canít help that I still love him though... I wish that I could
Before I met him I was confident, strong, independent, happy, positive, optimistic and I'm really not sure why I let myselt change so much?
I feel so worthless and I feel like Iím going crazy.
Welcome to SI. I'm a newbie to this NPD thread and those much more experienced will come along to offer support. I'm just learning aobut NPD too and let me tell you it FITS. If you haven't already...start doing some reading on NPD. It's eerie, scary, BUT also helpful because NPD behaviors really truly explains their disorder and what I've read sounds identical to what I've been through and to what you've explained above.
I'm now becoming a frequent guest and reader on this thread...
I will definitely read up on NPD, I know that there is something seriously wrong whatever name it has for it. I canít stand that it makes me feel guilty, makes me feel that Iím the one in the wrong and makes me feel so useless. I think of great replies and comebacks when my words have been twisted Ė about 2 hours later. I know that itís not right but I get dumbfounded like I donít know what to say, I know that I want to say something but the argument seems so crazy that I canít even find the right words. Arggghhhh
Iíve read the whole of this thread and one thing that seems very different with him is... that he doesnít own a caulk gun!! Or store very much in the garage either
I'm sorry that you've had it all too (((SieraGrace)))
doesnít own a caulk gun!! Or store very much in the garage either
OMG...I've been working my way through this and mustn't have gotten to these yet...too funny.
Toodevoted...it truly is crazy making. You can't even imagine how many red flags there were, my gut would be churning, not to mention FACTS, but he'd find a way of twisting everything so I too would come out of it thinking "I" was the crazy one...of course with his help, TELLING me I'm crazy...psycho...etc. Gee thanks, uh no...I'm HONEST.
Of course I am "lucky" since we aren't married and NC is much easier but his NPD is also combined with alcoholism and who knows which came first. All I know if he hid BOTH initially. Truly the Jekyll/Hyde personas.
Traditionally, my problem with NC has been getting melancholy around his kids and still believing some of the fantasy. I did myself a favor yesterday and re-read a bunch of our emails through the years and WOW...f'ing WOW. He got me good. Every time I'd find out something, suspect something, he'd twist me around that I ended up apologizing...OMG. So now I truly see, none of it was real, he'd say the token I love you's, I'm committed to you, etc, to keep me attached but did everything to prove the opposite.
This has been the biggest eye opener yet. I went to IC thinking he was a Sex Addict but NPD nails it for me.
You've found an amazing bunch of people on SI, Toodevoted...so supportive, so knowledgeable and that really truly get it....
Iíve done the same with the e-mails today. Iíve copied/pasted sections of the nasty, arrogant and pompous things that heís said to me over the years into one word doc Ė reading them is helping me stay angry. Not that heís noticed as heís not speaking to me anyway, back to the silence, I canít stand the silence it really DOES drive me crazy. But YES! I have heaps of apologies from me here too, although half of them Iím not really sure what Iím apologising for
Mind boggling and my heart goes out to you to have all of that and the alcohol problems too
Iím so glad that I found this place, reading the 47 pages today had me in tears at times, so much sadness, so much hurt Ė but in-between all of that the shared laughs and sense of togetherness, empathy and understanding on here was overwhelming