I am so sorry you are having such an internal struggle. It may be that you have become so accustomed to the life you are living, you cannot really see it for what it is.
I know I stayed and put up with a lot because I did not want to leave and allow him overnights with our daughter. My dealbreaker finally came, and I am so grateful it did. AND, thanks to the info I finally got, he does not get overnights! Sometimes waiting is a blessing (but most times not, IMHO)
As I look back on my life with him, I wonder how I managed. Life is still hard and I have a lot of healing to do, but I now know that there is the possibility of a good life without him. That simply was not a possibility with him in it.
The one thing that has been really hard is letting go of the hope that he will someday wake up and get help. I really have had a difficult time ACCEPTING that a human being could be so dam*** broken. It breaks my heart. That, and the question of how broken I must be to have chosen him in the first place. Reality slap in the face. Argh.
Are you still holding out hope? It is one thing that can keep us stuck like Crazy Glue.
Please be gentle with yourself. Years with an NPD will wear you down. If you cannot muster the courage to leave, can you try just working on building yourself up a bit outside of his insanity. I know, a tall order. But perhaps with some strength, you can move on.
Why is it so hard for me to except that this is over?
Because letting go of hope brings on a grief that is devastating.
Why does he keep bringing up us staying together and all the things he wants us to do?
Because you are still his supply.
should I tell him now that I know everything so that I can start to pick up the pieces of my life and he can go through all this stuff at the same time?
On this one I agree with previous advice- No, just leave. He knows what he has been up to. Explaining, justifying, and defending your actions are a waste of time for NPD folks.
PS-Have I seen you around the SA forum?
You are in my thoughts tonight.
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
I feel lost at times when he is home because I want to tell him what I know but instead I just sit and listen to the lies.
what kind of person does that make me, to know everything and still be here.
I am amazed at how different everything is now and how I feel about him now that I know, yet he still has hold on me.
I have been trying to find a job but no luck so far, the job I found the hours are not good, I have been trying to find a place but no luck. So I sit here and try to figure out what to do now that life keeps happening and I feel like crap most of the time.
It is a difficult pill to swallow that I have never been loved by this N, that for ten years I was suppling him with something and that it only took three visits for him to be dianosed NPD and I did not see it for ten years. His mom told me that he has never had a relationship last this long, what does that say about me.
I am trying to be patient and wait for the right job and house but the wait is difficult because I feel like I am wasting time and afraid that I will lose my grip.
This NPD has a way of making you feel like you are the crazy one.
Very interesting thread. I'm almost 95% that my exbf has NPD. I started reading about NPD months into the relationhip but didn't want to believe it. After a year of dating I called him out on his shit. I (not him) attempted reconcilation but that proved to be even more lies and further confirmation for me that he likely has NPD.
Anyway, I know that this is wrong, but he has actually become a big joke to me. I refer to him as a magician and often call him my magic man. Laughter has truly become the best medicine in this situation.
I tried NC several times but failed. Actually I have a false sense of safety when I communicate with him becase I can get a sense of what his sneaky ass is up too.
Any thoughts on this? Thanks.
[This message edited by crushed101 at 8:36 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)]
And humor ISN'T wrong. AT ALL!
One of the wayposts of successful detachment is struggling to hide the laughing-out-loud reaction to their oh-so-predictable responses...
In fact, some of our members are quite accomplished at generating precise reactions from their pets...not that I recommend it or anything...
If I share anything, it's public knowledge anyway. What I do share is my knowledge that he is a joke a very talented magician.
I told him that it is time to end our marriage as he has never truly invested in it and that the last 3 years has been all about his needs and rage. I told him I am ending the marriage due to his disrespect, infideleity and abuse of me.
He just comes back with "all I ever do is hurt you so I can't say anything". Really? Can't you just say goodbye and I agree to your terms for the divorce? I honestly do not have the energy to fight him along with fighting my former employer for the disability money they owe me. I am so stressed out and exhausted that I can't function.
How do you get them to just let you go?
The only way to let go of an NPD and to get them to let go of you is to file for divorce WITHOUT any conversation first. Just do it. Have them severed. Then go TOTAL and complete NC. This is the only way. If Your NPD is violent or the stalking and harassing type, get a protection order. This is all they understand.
Here is a *hint* for all of you. MOST of the time an NPD is big on words and fails miserably with actions. He assumes that everyone else is the same. "I can kill someone...blah, blah, blah....." Mine said the same crap. Although he was full of it, it sure helped in acquiring my protection order. And then EVERY SINGLE TIME I saw him near me or my house, I called the police.
Change your number, block his email, file for divorce, file for the SPOUSAL SUPPORT you are legally entitled to and so desperately need. Get a good lawyer, talk to the police. STOP talking to him and believing his nonsense.
I have been where you are. I KNOW how paralyzing this is. But it doesn't stop until you MAKE it stop. Find the strength and make it happen.
Remember, nothing happens if nothing happens.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
They 'let go' on their terms but we can manipulate them to 'help' them leave us alone once we understand them.
My XNPDWH kept sending me emails, texts, phone calls for 7 months after he left. When I didn't respond to his emails he'd text. When I didn't respond to his texts he'd phone. When I didn't pick up the phone (caller ID) he'd phone using different mobiles.
I can just imagine him thinking "I'll get the bitch to respond to me or else!".
Of course I would ask him to please STOP because it was upsetting me. But then my needs were never important.
He's finally stopped trying to communicate with me but not because he's decided to be nice. He's back in contact with his skankyho. I can only hope she continues to be his supply or he finds another one.
They (NPD's) will only let go on their terms but they will understand Restraining Orders etc.
"Live the best life possible."
I am trying to detach as much as possible, and getting my ducks in a row. I am planning for the day that I can be self sufficient, but it is soooo hard since I gave up my life and career for WH.
Sorry, just venting.
I wish this too. Total NC is my dream, but it's not possible because we have children. I'm actually jealous of people who have this happen and are lucky enough not to have had kids with their NPDWS. The ties can then be cut forever.
That said, my position is that I don't have to go above and beyond for him to have contact with his kids. He does have the right to see his kids, and he does see them according to the parenting plan we have on file. But, I also don't have to eat a mouthful of shit every time we communicate just because we share kids. He's a big boy and he can find out all kinds of stuff about them by calling the school and the day care. In other words, I don't initiate communication with him or tell him something about the kids that he really doesn't need to know.
My kids are 8 and 4 so it's easy not to have to see him right now. He picks them up at school or day care when I'm not there. When he drops them off, they just come in the house by themselves. I don't go outside to wait for them. If he has mail here or even paperwork to sign, I leave it in the garagae and text him to please take care of it.
We haven't had to deal a lot yet with school or sports events that we both want to attend. That will come in time and I'll just have to learn how to deal with it, esp. if he brings OW one day.
Most other communication with him is by text or email. I'm never nasty, but never sweet either. Just sort of neutral and treat him like I would treat the clerk at Target.
The beauty is that, while I cry and get very emotional over certain issues and triggers, he never needs to know that. I won't ever give him another one of my emotions. From his POV, I am totally indifferent and that's how he needs to see it or else I'm left without any control whatsoever.
He was watching porn again last night while I was at church, he does not seem to have a preference, anything will do, last night he was watching big women, and teen porn.
He said he was tired and just wanted to stay home and take shower and lay down, but as soon as I left he started watching.
The confusion sets in as to why he continually lies and acts like he loves me and as soon as I am not around he does that?
I downloaded the keylogger in June and he has watched porn every chance he can with me not home, doesn't matter if the kids are here.
So I can only imagine that this has been going on the whole ten years, which leads me to believe that the ONS he had was not the only one, just the only one he got caught in because of the STD.
He keeps saying that if I really love him I will find a way to forgive him so we can be happy again. I go IC because I am trying to find a way to forgive myself for staying in a relationship that I should have left years ago.
WH does not go to any counselor and sometimes he will go to church, we do not talk about anything except bills and kids and those conversations are limited.
As I continue to look for a job with no luck, and try to figure out what to do, it really does hurt to know that he will never be affected by me here or gone.
If all I am to him is his normal then why doesn't he find another normal? Why me?
He says and does all the right things when I am in his face but all I can think about is what else he is doing behind my back.
How does person with NPD pretend to love someone, talk to them about important things and act like they care about the kids and then do what he does?
I have talked myself into being patient and making sure that I handle this the best way, that as long as he is not physically abusive and continues to take care of the bills and cars, and shows the family respect that it is safe to stay until I find a job and a place, is that the wrong attitude to have?
He continues to talk about our future and the things he wants us do, and as I agree and act like it is a good idea, I just keep thinking to myself, why does he do it? what is he getting out of this? what does it say about me that I have been his NPD supply for ten years and counting?
In the mean time, it is best to only communicate with the NPD through email and only discuss the children. You will need to learn how to ignore his "baiting" and learn what his "trigger words" are. This way you can avoid further issues with him. If you don't engage, there is no game for him.
Then for your children, get them into therapy. Arm them with the tools to deal with him. Not a "daddy is bad" type thing, but help them overall dealing with difficult people.
The main point I was trying to get across is that you cannot rationalize with an NPD. You can have conversations with them all day long. They will agree to to things, but they never follow through. And they don't understand words or threats.
You must deal with an NPD with solid, consistent action. This is all they understand. Talking to them will get you nowhere. All they hear is "noise."
[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:00 AM, August 25th (Thursday)]
Thanks for the reminder, I was about to engage due to some visitation issues..but as always ignore is your friend.
I think the ex is one of those that will let things go away, even the kids. I just need to bide my time for him to get bored.
With DS returning to school he will no longer be checking email as often as he does now since he only does when bored..I pray that EX NPD doesn't try to impress whatever skank he is with of what a wonderful father he is and continues to pretend to give a shit about his kids..
Just go away already.. sighs..
I know that his ex hated him because he was never there for the kids. He was also very controlling with her because he demanded that he name the kids. I thought she must be some mamby pamby woman but I met her and she isn't, she just got taken over by his NPD. She was lucky to get away from him sooner than I did.
I don't think all NPD's do this but I really believe that some men who simply desert their kids may be NPD.
If your NPD wants to be in the kids life then he will try to control you and visits will be on his terms only. He will ignore your wishes and more than likely he will feel he knows better than the courts. It won't be easy dealing with him because with the kids he still feels he has control over you.
I have seen many cases where people fight and fight but once things settle down, the NPD completely loses interest.
I think this is very common with NPD's.
And then the comment, "They're better off without me...." Aww...boo-hoo!! Again, typical NPD trying to invoke sympathy.
Because they hold him accountable for his actions, they are no longer feeding his NPD. They don't idolize him like they did when they were little. They see through his talk. So poof, they are out too.
He'd see them 4 times a year. I'd have to nag him to phone them on a weekly basis. He paid a small amount of child support but if he wanted to buy a new boy toy for himself, the CS never got paid.
My advice would be, of course your kids need to see their father, but never rely on him for anything. And most likely as the kids get older your XWH will lose interest in them. Which is sad but a better outcome for you and your kids.
My XWH's eldest doesn't speak to his father now he is over 21 and can see through the bullshit.
[This message edited by Faith2011 at 4:08 AM, August 26th (Friday)]
If your NPD wants to be in the kids life then he will try to control you and visits will be on his terms only.
Yep! Now I understand why my XWH wouldn't phone his ex wife to say he was driving up to see the kids. He'd just turn up and she'd have to re-arrange her schedule for him. If the kids had a sports event or a party arranged that couldn't be cancelled he'd cry "oh my kids don't want to be with me". Which gave him an excuse to leave it another few months before he saw them again and gain sympathy from everyone else.
It is always about them and always about upsetting and getting people off balance.