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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just encountered a new study that may be of interest to people here.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21604895

You probably think this paper's about you: narcissists' perceptions of their personality and reputation.

AbstractDo narcissists have insight into the negative aspects of their personality and reputation? Using both clinical and subclinical measures of narcissism, the authors examined others' perceptions, self-perceptions, and meta-perceptions of narcissists across a wide range of traits for a new acquaintance and close other (Study 1), longitudinally with a group of new acquaintances (Study 2), and among coworkers (Study 3). Results bring 3 surprising conclusions about narcissists: (a) they understand that others see them less positively than they see themselves (i.e., their meta-perceptions are less biased than are their self-perceptions), (b) they have some insight into the fact that they make positive first impressions that deteriorate over time, and (c) they have insight into their narcissistic personality (e.g., they describe themselves as arrogant). These findings shed light on some of the psychological mechanisms underlying narcissism.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes so much courage to leave them because they insidiously wear us down with their intention to keep us confused, upset and manipulated. Add to that, that they love them

Ooops that was a Freudian Slip. I meant to say " Add to that, we love them".

Faith, OMG! Freudian slip indeed!! How appropo! (sp?)

I wanted to let everyone know on this thread how much your sharing has helped me, especially the discussion about keeping the emotional hooks in.

also, about being "addicted" to them. Isn't that crazy, but true?

I am trying to detach, but I still feel I "love" WH. WTF is wrong with me???? How much more emotional abuse do I need to deal with?

It is a real addiction. WH can or more DID make me feel soooo wonderful. We were soulmates. I was an angel. I was soooo wonderful. He never felt so close to anyone. blah blah blah.

Then, the little things that were wrong with me. You are soooo wonderful BUT.....
If you did x..then I would feel closer to you. When you do Z, then I feel we are not that close.
Such manipulation!!!

I'm finally realizing now after reading about NPD and BPD, that although I was not perfect myself in the past, it did not warrant the behavior that my NPD displayed and blamed on ME. If I ever called him out on anything he did to hurt me, he turned and twisted it so much that I felt I was the one who was wrong to feel that way and I was the one who ended up apologizing.

Now, NPD keeps upping the ante.

I have been afraid to leave, as others have been saying. I now know why, I know deep down the NPD rage and retaliation that I will end up facing. I was not ready for it after dday discovering that NPD WH had married another woman overseas and had 3 kids with her. I was devastated.

deep down, I was afraid of the retaliation that I knew was coming if I stood up to NPD wh, but was not ready.

After 2 years of hell, I guess I am stronger..... but I will still have to face the inevitable.


Thank you all for sharing your stories.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just need to know why he feels like keeping me around, this is so confusing to me.

I checked the computer this morning and when I got in the shower last night he was watching porn on the computer.

Then yesterday he gets a call from his brother that his mom who is 94 had a stroke, and when I acted like I was not gonna go with him he got mad and said your coming.

Is the only reason I am still around because if I left he would look like a failure?

It seems like everytime I get closer to leaving something happens and slows the process down.

I cannot understand any of this and feel like I am being betrayed on a dialy basis.

Please tell me what is going through his head, what makes him want me to stay, at first I thought he was a cake eater, but it seems like he is really mentally disturbed, needing to watch porn for ten minutes, getting mad when I said I am not going with him to see his mom, and having another converstaion about money. What does all this mean.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just need to know why he feels like keeping me around, this is so confusing to me.

I know you desperately want to believe deep down he loves you. ((hugss))

But if he has NPD here is the reason he wants to keep you around.

You are useful to him.

Here is another harsh reality. As soon as he finds a way to replace you, he will discard you like yesterdays trash. He won't look back. Unless, of course, his new supply/tool doesn't live up to his expectations then he might start manipulating his way back into your heart.

Think about all the little things you do for him to make his life easier. That may give you a clue why he is still finding you 'useful'.

It's so DIFFICULT to understand how they think. I do my head in trying to put myself in his head.

But we need to keep trying to understand so we can save ourselves a life time of misery by finding the courage to leave them.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to detach, but I still feel I "love" WH. WTF is wrong with me????

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! You have a heart. You have the capacity to deeply love. You have feelings and you have the ability to empathise with other human beings.

There is nothing wrong with you.

It will take some time to stop loving your NPS spouse, it at all. It's ok to feel love. You don't have to stay with that person because you love them.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
ohgoodgrief
♀ Member
Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 21st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. Need some input from you smart people about what happened this weekend.
Don't know if you read my previous post, but WH took and solidly failed polygraph las weekend. He insisted on another and I agreed.

In the preinterview he told the (new) examiner that he was sure he'd fail it again as the questions are so stressful he believes that's why his answers show as deceptive. Examiner offered to cancel the test, but H insisted on taking it.

He failed that one worse than the last one. This examiner was very thorough and talked to us a long time, but basically it boiled down to--deceptive to my single issure questions. (cheating).

SO H is still denying, just what I expected. He doesn't ask why I want to know if he had sex with someone in our home, he doesn't ask me anything really about why I am even susupicious. (I think he knows maybe what I have, but is not sure exactly what or how much.)

Anyway, here's the thing. Since we began MC and he began to believe I might actually leave, he has been Mr Wonderful.

After yesterday's poly, I didn't say anything and after saying again why he thought he failed it, he hasn't mentioned a word about it.

So I decided to withhold 'supply' by acting pleasant yet detached. Not a word of questioning him, etc. We even went out to dinner. But here's what's different.

Mr Wonderful left the building and Mr Manipulator took his place. We haven't discussed anything since the poly that stranger wouldn't discuss. We sit in long, long silences. He is acting a little aggreived, but not like last weekend when he acted a total victim.

This morning he left (I am at vacation home and he's returning home), and just said have a nice couple days. Usually he always says love you, especially lately, but he withheld that today. And I screwed up--I said it to him, just couldn't help myself.

And now I remember all too well how he makes me feel with his manipulative behavior. He will withdraw to suck me back in. Guess he figured the mr wonderful wasn't working, so he is bringing out the big guns.

Do you guys think that's what he's doing? Do you think he's trying to manipulate me into dropping the whole infidelity thing?

I am very useful to him. And I know he thinks a divorce will make him look bad. All the usual things.

Any words of wisdom or advice on how to act, what to say, etc will be greatly appreciated.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, August 22nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you guys think that's what he's doing? Do you think he's trying to manipulate me into dropping the whole infidelity thing?


Absolutely. He's trying to beat you at your own game. You're acting detached, so he's going to 'out-detach' you. He thinks you'll break first. He tried Mr. Wonderful but you didn't bite. Now he'll be Mr. Cold Shoulder figuring you'll say "Oh, why isn't he being Mr. Wonderful?" and try to lure him back. After all, that's what we've all done for years. When they become cold, we come running.

Don't bite, for two reasons:

First, let him see he's losing his grip on you. That will eat him up.

Second, it will help you to actually detach. A few wins in your column will show you how much power in this relationship you actually have. It'll be very good for your esteem and your mental state.

And don't for a second feel badly for wanting to ask him what's wrong, or see why he's being cold, or anything else. Like I said, that's what we do. That's why we've been such good supply to them. We always try to make them happy and when they're detached we do whatever we can to fix things.

He's playing the same game he's always played. It's you that's playing a different game. Keep playing it. You'll win.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
ohgoodgrief
♀ Member
Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 22nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Never
I will try to remain detached, cool and calm. Am probably going to have confrontation soon and he will probably deny again. Time for me to decide if I can say, 'tell the truth' or we're done. I don't feel strong, I feel scared.
I know I have every right to be outraged. I know I hold the power to make up my own mind. But my God! It's hard after 40 years....
So I'm scared. Feel free to apply 2X4's if necessary.
Thanks!

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, August 22nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess he figured the mr wonderful wasn't working, so he is bringing out the big guns.

OMG! BTDT.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It really is a mind f***. IMHO, he is doing exactly as you guessed- manipulating you. They keep us off balance so well.

No 2*4's for you dear, he has swung enough.

I just hope at some point you are able to find the strength to come to a decision about what is best for you.

I hope youare able to find a way to enjoy your time at the vacation home, even something little like a cup of tea and a good book.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 22nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a little word play humour.

My SA NPD XWS is still calling hookers, doing drugs, in trouble with the DA and IRS, and having to call AAA for his vehicle. He lives on a boat with no working toilet, no fridge, and no stove.

He is a crackpot.

I, on the other hand, have done yoga, worked in the garden, and am off to gymnastics with my daughter before having friends over for dinner. BTW, my bills are paid, my car runs, my house is darling, and I could no more go to a prostitute than chop my own head off.

Here's the funny thing. Dinner is my very first experience with a Crockpot. Daughter and I had a blast.

He is a crackpot. I have a crockpot.

Sometimes life without them is just better!

Thanks guys, I feel better writing it down!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, August 22nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohgoodgrief,
I think he's playing manipulator because you "slighted" him with the polygrapher. (you didn't, but this is how he will perceive it) He's been embarrassed and now he's mad so YOU must be punished.

Instead of being mad and owning up to the lying and cheating, he flips it around on you. You exposed him to
this other person who also knew he
was lying. That type of thing is very
emotionally destructive to the N. Any
time the N is exposed, there will be
hell to pay.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 5:33 PM, August 22nd (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
ohgoodgrief
♀ Member
Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad, Bent, and Never
Thanks for confirming what I suspected. That is exactly how he's acting...put upon, mad, victimized.
He didn't call last night or the night before. Simply a text telling me to have a good night. I just said u 2.
Games, games, games. Sick of these crazy games.
I am feeling better today, not so mamby pamby and weak.
I am looking back at all the years of living to please him, all the years of trying to figure out 'why does he do that?' ( a good book, by the way), why does he say those things that hurt me?
OMG I am tired of it all.
Thanks for all your words of wisdom. It's so nice to be heard and to learn from those who 'get it.'
Hope you all have a narcissism-free day.

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, I want to start by saying I am grateful for the keylogger, and now that I have the ability to see what he is doing on the computer I am devastated once again.

This is like some sick game that just needs to stop, I went on the keylogger this morning to see what he has been doing and yesterday when I picked up my daughter from work at 5 pm he went on the computer and typed in adult friend finder the age 18 to 35 and clicked search.

I know I need to detach and I know he watches porn and some really disgusting stuff but to look for a local girl with me still here, WTF, why not get rid of me and then he can have all the local girls he wants.

What makes it so bad is he said he wanted to have a session meaning sex and then said forget it, now I know this is an NPD move to offer something and take it back, but why even bother.

I also know timing is everything and with his mom being in the hospital and his kid just moved in with his girl after only knowing her a month, I do not know if this is the right time to break free, but will there ever be a right time to do it?

Why is it so hard for me to except that this is over? Why does he keep bringing up us staying together and all the things he wants us to do? should I tell him now that I know everything so that I can start to pick up the pieces of my life and he can go through all this stuff at the same time?

Please someone help me make sense of this twisted life I am living and give the advice I need to hear.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
ohgoodgrief
♀ Member
Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want,
I have found that every time in the past that I would think I couldn't take anymore, (this is when I just suspected infidelities--I was just so beaten down and depressed and feeling so unloved),
some crisis would come along (illness, kid crisis, parent illness, etc), and I'd decide to deal with it later.
This happened in 1995, 2001, 2003, 2010. And here I sit, still with him.
There is never a 'good' time. Life still happens, things are always complicated.
I am still sitting on that fence myself, however, mainly from fear....not that he'll harm me, at least not physically, but fear of regret if I leave.
I am working on that fear and myself but it's still hard.
I don't know how old you are and it really doesn't matter, but what I know I regret is not getting out years ago.
Just sayin.

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know he's cheating. You know he's lying.

Why does it have to be the "right" time? What does that mean? There is never a "good" time to leave or file for divorce. But staying longer is only hurting you and prolonging the inevitable. There is always going to be someone sick, or someone having a crisis or someone's birthday or some holiday. It's time to do it because he has violated the boundaries once again and there needs to be consequences.

You don't need to tell him anything. He knows what he's been doing. Just file. Actions speak louder than words.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wanttobeloved)))

ohgoodgrief - yes yes and yes. My FWH has been Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde, Don Juan de Marco.. all obsessive but just a total multiple personality mind f*&# as some say. Esp since I did 180 and started detaching. The summer has been nasty. I completely understand how you feel. None of it has been working so he's onto a new approach, backing off a bit, regrouping, plus I've appeased him a little to get him to back off. Guess it worked. Now I'm trying to reclaim some sanity so I can care for myself, kids and make a real decision on whether or not I'm really ready to file.

Hang in there...


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
SierraGrace
♀ Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been trying to read through all this...but for the sake of time and sanity, is there a link or a list of the best NPD books any of your might recommend??

Much appreciated....!!

SG


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
ohgoodgrief
♀ Member
Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SG,
Narcisstic Lovers is a good one. Also, 'Why Does He Do That'? I have 'the Object of my Affection is in my Relection' but haven't read it thoroughly.
Another good one is not necessarily related to NPD, but very good, 'Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave'.
Very concise questions--with answers!--on how to evaluate your marriage.
Hope this helps.
I need more recs too!

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
SierraGrace
♀ Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the book rec's.

I actually read and posted about Narcissitic Lovers...great read.

I shocked myself when I realized I had some of the others on my bookshelf from a paperbackswap I belong to, just hadn't read yet...so good to know I'm on the right track...
Knowledge is Power!
Thanks again!


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbx is driving me crazy with his on again off again crap. His mom called me today to tell me how he has changed. He drove up to see her and only had 1/2 a beer and he talked to her about my illness. That is not change that is manipulations. Getting mommy on his side again.

He emailed on Saturday to let me know that he was going up to see her and dummy me responded with "thanks for not asking us to go with you". I was hurt because he knows she is like my mother and I lover her dearly so does my grandbaby. He went into one of his NPD rages at me and I hung up on him.

Tonight he emails me with "I know I said it before but I am just living one day at a time". What the hell does that mean? He is living in OUR home, sleeping in our room, driving his expensive truck, hanging out with his WHORE and our neighbors while I am worried about making rent next month. Oh and he is living on 80K a year while I have lost my job due to my illness. Like I am supposed to be sorry for him? I have no sorry only anger and disgust for the game he is trying to play.

I am digusted with myself for staying for 12 years and loving him so much, for putting up with his abuse and his rages for 3 years, for being so afraid to leave that I stayed through years of no sex or communication. How could I not see who he really was an that I was only in his life for his image? How could I let this man destroy me so successfully? Why didn't I fight back? Why did I walk on eggshells to avoid a fight? Why can't I hate him? Why do I still love him even knowing all that he has done to me?

I just want to file for divorce but again I am deathly afraid of what he will do when he gets served. He has told me that he can kill someone and they will never find the body. I know he has two guns but I couldn't find them when I moved out. I know he will rage at me when he gets the papers and I am truly terrified that he will do something to me. But I have to file and get my life back and not have any contact with him or I will end up going insane. I feel so broken and stressed that most days I don't want to wake up. I just want it all to end.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
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