Denial isn't the way to forgiveness. The Karma for screwing over a good girl is the Bitch you end up with.
I'm going through that right now...the "silent treatment". I found out about him back with OW #2, told him about it, he lied and denied...and now I haven't heard from him since. I wonder if he's caught on yet that I haven't contacted him either......probably not
He's caught on. He's probably used to you making the first contact after an argument, so he's waiting, probably laughing.
Also, if he is with OW#2, he has a supply source. He doesn't need you right now. I'm so sorry. It's just that's how they are.
Status: S & D'ing
Brother's wife's family is "supposedly" in the wood business. She went into my bedroom and thew a fit over my bedroom set. She was literally crawing on the floor on her hands and knees. I said, "What are you doing?"
She said, "I am looking for the repeat pattern in the formica
She said, "I am looking for the repeat pattern in the formica
Wow. I'd mess with her. The next time something like this happens, act really nervous and call to anyone else that's there like your SIL is about to find 'the stash'.
Seriously, your brother thinks this is normal?
Talk about a disfuntional family!!!! Your Mom and Dad are SOOOOOO Codependent on brother. Probably because they saw/see him as the only one to carry on the family legacy. So anything he does is just fine and excusable with them.
Then your SIL is psychopathic, crawling on the floor, sewing pot in the wedding dress, psychopathic. Her wedding dress should have been a long white "I love me" jacket with gold plated locks.
Your brother is sociopathic, conflict avoidant, codependent, pussy whipped, puppy dog to psychopathic wife.
A clinical psychiatrist could make a career out of you family. If you and your sisters get along maybe you should have your own gatherings and let the crazies have their own gatherings. Start hosting amongst yourselves and invite the crazies.
Maybe even host the 50th and see who shows up and who doesn't. Hopefully the guests of honor will be there but if not.....lots of food and champagne.
All I can say is your family is very entertaining.
And seriously, I don't know who is the sicker of the two. I used to think it was her, but sometimes I think it's more him.
They both say that people are "jealous" of them, which I cannot imagine is true. I believe that THEY are insanely jealous of other people.
My brother's wife cannot stand him having a relationship with any of his sisters or his mother. But then "friends" are ok. But they have to meet a certain criteria. Like they have to be of a certain profession, etc.
And our community is small, so the people ther know our family and have known us girls our whole life. My brother's wife is an "outsider'." So when she starts this badmouthing, it doesn't fly very well.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
OMG, the ridiculousness of their behavior is just nuts. I'm so sorry you are dealing with that crap!
I agree with Frank- have a party with your sisters and parents, leave out the psychos and enjoy!
My SIL is the princess and she and my H (brother and sister) are now completely DONE with each other. My family is dead to her, ultimately because she attempted to discipline my kid and then denied it. Pretended to be my friend periodically over the years and then ignored me days later because of some perceived mistreatment of my in-laws or something.
NPD, delusional, constant silent treatment over stupid shit. Its so crazy.
I want my in-laws to write a hand book for "raising narcisssists, sociopaths and selfish delusional psychopaths."
They seem to be experts
everything was going so well...i was doing as he was saying...ignoring his misbehaviour and laziness...just to avoid conflict...and being happy happy.
atlast, it took its toll today.
i went quiet.
to collect myself.
just to clear my head.
today, i couldnt speak. i did not want to at all.
i wanted him to say all that he wanted, and i just wanted to listen.
i did not want to reply, or acknowledge.
i wanted to stay calm and collected.
i did not want another fight.
i didnt want to hear the same accusations i have been hearing for past 5 years.
i just wanted him to talk and move on.
i knew exactly what words he will say and how it will end up, if i spoke.
i have no desire to speak.
i just want to be quiet.
and i want everyone to understand my silence.
but no one does.
n o o n e.
I am expected to speak up.
i have to...i must.
thats what they all demand.
Answer him, acknowledge him.
you can not just go quiet.
whatever the outcome be.
you answer, gently.
by staying quiet, i somehow make things worse.
accroding to NPD WH i am emotionally abusing him by giving him silent treatment.
He has used this againt me..and told everyone.
and now everyone says...just answer him, nicely , politely. you dont have to fight.
how shud i answer....
he wants answers like
I am sorry. i will not do this again.
you are right. i will work on this.
I try my best to be his slave that he wants me to be, but he wants more perfection, more submission. And i try, harder and harder, but i need down time. i need time to regroup. i need to stop this facade for a day ...and just be quiet...just be myself...rid myself of this fake smile.
but no i can not. i can not be quiet. i need to be happy, in love with him ...and be his slave at all times. no matter what. do as he says...when i dont want to or if its not my job to do ...but he said it..so just do it and avoid the drama.
today was just a down day for me...i wanted to be quiet . and now its just a mess...
his mouth wont stop...how i am PMsing..or what...i am abnormal..how i am happy for couple days..then i just go quiet...i am depressed...and whatever diagnosis he can come up with.
i dont want to talk...i know i shud...just smile...be happy...for HIS sake only...
Like the rest of your spouses, mine smoked very expensive weed daily, which is probably why he is so concerned about having to pay child support and downgrade to regular weed. A certain friend of his smoked out of a hookah, and that was the only time he actually appeared to be impaired. Then he would get paranoid, afraid he would die, he could hear the blood moving in his veins, etc. That (and many other paranoid episodes taught to him by his very paranoid mother) earned him the name Paranoid Pete in our family. After he had smoked from The Big Bong as he called it, he'd even follow me into the bathroom, such was his fear of being alone and dying.
[This message edited by veritas at 4:43 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)]
We (us girls) have tried to do just that. Host a 50th party for our parents. But Dad caught wind and said, "No, he and Mom want to plan
their own party."
Translation: they need to try and manipulate the situation in order to
convince our brother to come.
If they would have spent less time worrying about these assholes and
just forged ahead without them our
family would be so much better off. I
have told Mom a thousand times,
"just send out the invites and say
the get together is on this day at this
time. Hope you can make it." And
move on. By continuing to cater to
these idiots and canceling and
rescheduling when they are never
going to show up anyway is insane!
When me and my new husband were first married, his oldest daughter had a difficult time with the
adjustment. She was a little nasty in
the beginning and tried to make
holidays difficult. I decided that we
would start a family tradition and
have "our" Christmas on December
23, so it would not interfere with their
mother's celebrations. The first
couple years, she would say, "that's
not going to work." I KNEW she was
just being nasty because she was
mad at her dad (not because our
marriage resulted from an affair, just
because she didn't want him to
marry anyone) and it wouldn't matter
what day we had Christmas, she wasn't going to come. My husband's
immediate reaction was to change
the date and move everything
around because of the grandkids.
"We need to move the date, because
we're punishing the grandkids." I
said, "No, we're not punishing the
grandkids, their mother is." Plus
everyone else had committed to the
23rd so why change it when she's
not going to come anyway?
Well, she did that twice. And now she comes every year. And today we
have a close relationship. I love her
as if she was my own daughter. But
had I continued to move that
boundary, she would have continued
to take advantage and there would
never been any true relationship
developed. Better to have missed two Christmas's early on rather than have a lifetime a family disfunction.
I know my dad thinks that this is the
only way that he can pass on his
legacy. But what he doesn't know is
that he won't even be cold in the
ground and my brother will have sold everything my dad has worked his entire life to accomplish.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 4:50 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)]
I am sorry you are having a really bad day. Maybe take this time to start planning your exit. You can not survive like this. They will kill you. Their NPD needs are draining the life out of you. Find your peace with an escape plan. Reach out for help.
Are you ready to escape??? Do you want to escape??? What can I do to help you??? YOu are desperate....is there anyone you can reach out to?
Talk to us.....please.
You sound so sad. I'm so sorry he's got you like this today.
We can all relate to the feeling you have today. It's so sad to see it in someone else.
It's a terrible way to live. I'm sorry.
Maybe it is time to leave the crazies to their own demise. I have a friend who is in the mid 60s and her brother just did the same thing to their dad. The entire inheritance is gone. Her father was in fact not cold in the grave but had given power of attorney to the son. The last will was changed and the farm and cattle and equipment were all sold and brother and his wife live in a nice big new house, father is in the nursing home, and the two sisters got squat.....He didn't even visit dad when he was in the hospital with a heart attack.
There are some really sick people in this world and your brother and sister in law are included. They are sucking your mom and dad down to those depths as well. Don't let them draw you and your sisters in as well.
Is it just me or are the NPDs really active right now??? This is starting to feel like "Night of the Living Dead".
I hated it! It would last for a few days and it used to hurt me so much. And all I did to trigger The Silent Treatment was .. well .. the cats used to like sleeping on 'his' sofa and he would take it out on me. Or I'd want to discuss the unfair division of housework.
I have read about the NPD inappropriate laughter. I never noticed it until after his A. He'd laugh at something that made me think "WTF?!
For those who are thinking of leaving their NPD spouses. You know Frank is right. It's never going to get better. In fact it may get worse.
I was very afraid of being 'alone'. I was only working part time. My health isn't good and I'm in my 50's. I don't have my own home, I'm renting.
But living alone is blissful! No more stomach in knots when I heard his car pull up in the driveway. No more being exposed to his 'hit and run' rages. No more having to invite friends over when he was at work because he hated people coming over - unless it was his family.
I applied for full time work, I'm managing the garden okay although my body is sore for days after. But I'd rather work fulltime and have struggle a bit with managing the house and garden on my own than waste another second of my life on living in a nightmare.
I wish you all the very best. Life can and does get better after living with a NPD. Even my friends walk into my house and always comment on how light and peaceful it feels now.
"Live the best life possible."
Isn't it amazing how fast the healing takes off once we cut them out of our lives. It's as if they keep us shrouded in unhappiness and uneasiness. Over the years we have learned to accept it as "that's just the way it is". Then once they are removed from our lives the sun starts to shine again.
In my case and many others the NPD was manageable throughout the marriage. But after Dday the escalation begins and it becomes unmanagable. We know we have to move on but the memory of the managable days keeps us fogged in. But the storm keeps building. When we finally let go the sun shines so bright.
And when you finally reach your New Beginning and you see how you are treated by someone that is not NPD, you wonder how the hell you did it for all those years. When you see what life is like when someone loves you back......It frees your spirit that has been suppressed for years. I am in the very early stages of my New Beginnings and I no longer feel the need to withhold my love in order to protect myself from disappointment.
Even if there is no SO in the picture, I feel free to love and be loved. It is a wonderful feeling. Though it is still saddening at times because this is what I wanted and thought I would have with STBXW. But the truth is.....maybe it was all in my imagination. Maybe those moments I shared with STBXW were me accepting the crumbs and making a meal out of them in my mind so that I would not have to feel the hunger. The hunger for a complete and loving relationship.
Now that I have experienced the extreme an escalated NPD, I don't think I could even go back to the managable NPD life. Even though that is what I became comfortable with for all these years. I don't think I want to be comfortable with that again.
I too hope everyone that is dealing and living with NPD will find their freedom. It is just so much better than the life we had. And I am not just selling rainbows and butterflies. I paid the price for this freedom. I paid with hurt and pain and anquish and frustration and grief and compromise and my dignity. Letting go has for the most part relieved me of those emotions and freed me to live again.
Have you ever been made to feel guilty when you went out and did something on your own that brought you imense pleasure. Read my post in New Beginnings titled "We Rocked the House". That was something I could never have done while married to NPD STBXW. AS a matter of fact she does not even know I played but knows I made the trip. She has commented that "I am sure he had a real good time" in a snarky condemning way. I was made to feel guilty when I went on morning hunt and had a real good and rewarding morning. Then the guilt was laid on me when I got home. If I spoke excitedly about the morning I was met with "well I am glad YOU had a good time". And I almost always ended up curtailing my joy or apologizing and doing something to make it up to her.....even though she never aknowleded it.
So the question is.....Have you been made to feel guilty for enjoying yourself without them?
My memory is that he was so self focused and self centered, that he didn't really care what I did. As long as he was doing what HE wanted to be doing, that was all that mattered. Most of the time if I was doing something I enjoyed or really loved to do, he used that as an opportunity to cheat. He would even go as far as serving up the idea that I go out to dinner with my girlfriends and have a nice night "out with the girls" because I deserved to go have some fun. At the time, I thought he was being sweet and caring. My girlfriends had to BEG to get out of the house without their H's and mine was like, "Go! Have fun! You've been working so hard. You deserve it!" I'd ask him what he was going to do. "oh stay home...maybe go have a couple beers with the guys." (yeah, right! ) I didn't go out much, so I guess I would "feel guilty" while I was out without him only because we both traveled so much and didn't have a lot of time to spend together. Not because he would make me feel guilty. I would always try to make it home by a reasonable hour so he and I could spend some time together before going to bed. And it never failed. I would rush home and he wouldn't be there. I would call his cell phone and either the phone was shut off (later claiming dead battery) or he would answer and say he was out with the guys and would be home soon. Then he wouldn't show up until 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. and would be totally wasted.
Oh, I so don't miss those days.
Have you been made to feel guilty for enjoying yourself without them?
Without him? What's that? LOL. Yes, actually. I went to a concert that I invited him to but he didn't want to go. I brought my daughter instead. That's the night he looked up his exgirlfriend.
If I went somewhere I'd get the pouty nasty jerk when I got home. It was obvious that it was because I dared to do something that didn't revolve around him. Eventually I just stopped doing anything because what's the point? We couldn't go to the movies because they're made for idiots. We couldn't go to dinner because he didn't like to. We couldn't go on vacation because he didn't want to deal with airport security. But there'd be hell to pay if I did anything by myself.
And of course, I'd have to hear about how I was one of the idiot masses for wanting to do any of the above anyway.
Of course I posted the question for the NPD folks lurking who don't know whether or are not sure if they are married or living with a NPD. Just another sign to be aware of. Can anhyone think of anything else to throw out there for the folks out there stuck in unsureland.
My husband forbids me to have any of my friends or family come to the house.Yet, he ignores me when he is home. His personal relationship is with his bottle. I can only talk on the phone when he is at work. Or else he wants to know everything that has been said.
He always wants to drive me stating that I'm not a good driver, although I have never had a ticket or been in an accident. I know that is a control freak thing.
The part that scares me the most about my husband is that he is such a phony. People don't really know him. When he is on the phone honey will drip from his mouth which makes me wonder who he really is. That is how he would talk to his girlfriend.
He started his affair when I was at church and taking care of my mother. I was doing a good thing and he was busy having and developing an inappropriate relationship with the dry cleaning bitch we had know for 20 years.
For the most part I have giving up. My health has declined since 2008 and I'm even more dependant on him now.
[This message edited by heart_in_a_blend at 9:51 AM, August 10th (Wednesday)]