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User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 5th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG it sounds like you had a rough night. I'm sorry you're dealing with him and his tantrums.

Be wary of the tears. NPDs don't bring them out often, but they can bring them out. They're really more for themselves. They're sorry that they screwed up what they had. It's like a ray of sunshine coming through the clouds. But the clouds do move back in.

I think they know that when we cry it's because we're hurting. They cry in an effort to mimic what we do when we're upset. They want to show us they're upset, or at least make us think they are.

Your H may genuinely be upset, but more than likely it's another manipulation move. If it is and he's crying, his bag of tricks is nearing empty. Be careful, because when it's empty there will be hell to pay.

Good luck, and stay strong with whatever you decide.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 5th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thx. I certainly don't believe anything from him anymore. The bag of tricks has to be empty now. He pulled the 'I want to drive my car into a tree' card today, and he's 'made sure his life insurance will take care of the kids'.

Great.

Just what I need.

I told him to make an appt with IC today, I will check, or I'm getting his father involved. I can't deal anymore. Maybe he can talk some kind of sense into him.

Then he says he won't do anything like that to our kids and will go back to MC with me. We'll see.. the other shoe will drop, it always does.


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 6th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because I cannot accept what my life has become, we are going down so fast, broke, no food and bills pouring in and the only thing he thinks about is the next drawing at the casino.
I feel stupid complaining about it because I have been a stay at home mom and a full time college student but things are getting worse not better, he continues to watch porn, lie and play his computer games, all the while making me feel like I am just not good enough for him.

MC diagnosed him NPD so I changed over to IC because I realized that this was a lost cause but I have no idea what to do with me and my kids with no money and no family to stay with.

My kids are stuck in the house all day with me and I am at a loss for having any fun because my life is a mess.

It is hard to concentrate on school or kids or anything positive with so many other things that are not so positive going on.

It has been 10 months since dday and I feel no better, sex is non existent and there are no other signs of affection. I can honestly say that NPD is a disorder that affects the spouse much more than affects the person with it.

I do not want to yank my kids out of there home and take them to emergency housing or a shelter and feel like if I just hang in there a little while longer I can figure this out but every minute I wait it just gets worse. We are in a downward spiral and hitting the botton fast and I do not know what to do to rescue me and my kids, which is sad because I have been labeled a rescuerer.

He says he is doing eeverything he can to make me feel better which is odd becaue I feel worse and he continues to act fine. What does love mean to NPD? can NPD see the disaster they are causing or are they blind to any distruction they cause?


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 6th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD People see the destruction but only care about how it is going to affect them.

Toughgirl, if the bag of tricks seems near empty....watch out. If he has tried fake remorse and then goes to guilting you, you are right at intimidation. When he is fisnished with that he may move to physical. Keep an eye out for the raging stage. Try to be gone by then. RAGING can jump right into PHYSICAL in just a matter of seconds and most often does.

I would suggest to all that you not go out of your way to agitate them. But work on getting ducks in a row for a quick and quiet exit.

For those that have not exited yet.....Educate yourself on NPD. The more you learn about it the easier it will be for you to do the right things and keep yourself safe.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 7th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to thank everyone for sharing thier stories, it really is helping me. All these "little things" that we got used to add up! It's like I had all these puzzle pieces floating around and and hurting me and I'm starting to put them together and seeing the whole picture.

I thought WH was so generous, but now I see it's just to make him look good. It's not genuine because he cares, when I really thought it was.

The gift giving that was discussed a few pages back made me really start to think and someone, forgive me, I don't remember who advised to step back and watch NPD like something under the microscope and not engage. I can't tell you how much this helped me last night when WH and I got into a stupid argument that started to escalate into shouting, which is unusual for us, since I usually cave in to keep the peace. I usually get very very upset about arguments like this because I will get the silent treatment for a day or two. But some of the posts I have read here lately were resonating with me. Especially the one about stepping back and look at him under a microscope.

I also had an AHA moment too. I finally realized that I always knew deep down what Frank was warning about not poking the tiger. I believe I knew this so deeply, but never analyzed it. It was why I always felt insecure and always backed down from an argument or placated WH in the past. I knew that if I kept it up, even though I was right, there would be hell to pay. I also know this is why I haven't kicked his ass to the curb when I found out about his LTA and OC's. I knew on some level that I wasn't ready for the fight of my life if I wanted to leave him.

The hardest thing with dealing with a NPD is that you need to be strong to leave, but trying to stay and placating them until you get your ducks in a row is nearly impossible because they wear you down and you stay in a no win situation. The longer you stay, the more they erode what is left of your self esteem and sanity. They make you question yourself on evey level.

Please continue to share the "little things", it is not complaining, but really helps to put things in perspective.

Those of you who are struggling, my prayers go out to you.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thx Frank. I will be careful.

My H is starting to step back a little, which is surprising me, I don't expect it to last long, since he has been practically terrorizing me for the last few months. He said yesterday that he is seeing things much more clearly and pleading that I give him 1 more shot at making it all up to me. I'm not sure what to think.

(((wanttobeloved))) - So sorry for what you are going thru... I thank God I have the ability to break away and financially be just fine. Do you have some nearby friends you could lean on temporarily?

It sounds like my H is seeing the destruction finally (18 mos in) just before I file for D and really rock his world. The hard part is wanting to believe he sees it and is willing to work to fix it. I want to believe, but can't. History tells me I can't believe anything. My research on NPD says this improvement in behavior is only temporary to keep me from filing. I'm scared and wary of being manipulated, this is the hardest decision in the world.

The biggest thing is not wanting to rock my kids' world, it still will likely be necessary, but if he's going to give me some space and let me breathe a little, I'm going to take advantage of it and spend some quality time with my IC, and some TLC time for me and my kids this week.

honesttoafault - it's the questioning and doubting ourselves that just kills me. I'm a strong person, with a career of my own, a strong education, friends, family that would do anything for me, I have everything going for me but I'm confused and scared and anxious and exhausted. Looking at my H, even when being nice like this weekend, it's empty. I don't see it ever becoming full again. All it means to me is he has no leg left to stand on and once he gets comfy again, it'd be right back to the selfish status quo.

I didn't realize the depth of the negative effect he had on me until the last 6 mos, research, reading up in this forum. For us, NPD is like a silent killer from the inside out. You don't even know you're dying inside until it's too late. So hard to combat. Thx to all for all the direct and indirect support and info you share...HUGS


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
ohgoodgrief
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Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this thread and all the info. My H is scheduled for a polygraph, which he volunteered to take! Next Saturday. I am not going to tell him it's scheduled until just before the test. My question is: do you guys think a NPD ( he has tendencies, not full fledged), can fake out a poly?

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this thread and all the info. My H is scheduled for a polygraph, which he volunteered to take! Next Saturday. I am not going to tell him it's scheduled until just before the test. My question is: do you guys think a NPD ( he has tendencies, not full fledged), can fake out a poly?

Short answer - yes. These people are master liars. If anyone can beat them, it's an NPD person.

Unless they go into a rage. I bet this will be the one time he's able to control it though. Sad.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
caregiver9000
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Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am no polygraph expert, but I think it is more complicated than being a masterful liar.

NPD's lie and lie well and lie for no reason. Their response to lying would therefore be different from mine. My heart rate would raise, I would get sweaty palms, etc. But I would have these responses to the KNOWN lies. You know the ones where you are prompted to tell a lie to get a baseline. No response to lies is a sign of something wrong, and would raise flags.

I also think the consequence for the lie matters. If the NPD cares about getting caught, then the lie will possibly cause a physical reaction?

I also think the NPD volunteers to take a lie detector because they believe OF COURSE that they are smarter than that stupid machine, smarter than you, and smarter than polygraph administrator.

When you meet with the polygraph person, mention your concerns to them. I would be interested to see what their answer is.


Lots of new faces... welcome.

The one thing I feel compelled to say is this: If you are living with a NPD, detach. Emotionally detach. Financially detach. Physically detach. Game playing with a NPD is not ultimately satisfying. They are not "hurt" by what you do. And they can retaliate in ways you and I wouldn't even begin to imagine...

Remember, all interaction with an NPD is a lesson in how to best control, manipulate and hurt YOU. There is a learning curve and they are studying your reactions.

It's like dog training. Negative attention eliminates behaviors, rewards reinforce behaviors. To the NPD, all emotion is a reward. Your tears, your rants, your anger, and your admiration, love, emails, calls-- all of that feeds his need. Whatever the N did last that got the biggest response from you he will repeat.

eta: to fix typos and to say I default to "he" out of habit but NPD's come in both genders as many here can attest.

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 3:24 PM, August 8th (Monday)]


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is: do you guys think a NPD ( he has tendencies, not full fledged), can fake out a poly?

I have no doubt my ex could pass a poly while lying about absolutely everything.

He can convincingly lie so well, even about stuff I have proof and witnesses on, that I think he believes his own lies. I really, truly think he decides "This is better truth, this will be truth now" and is so sure of that, it is The Truth.

If he's an NPD and his lips are moving, he's lying.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 730 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the NPD either believes the lies or just believes they are justified which might be enough, therefore, they wouldn't have the same physiological reaction as someone with an empathetic conscience. So yes, I think they could fool a polygraph, consciously or unconsciously.

Good luck to you.


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is also their belief that they are smarter than everyone else. In their minds, there's no way a stupid polygraph examiner is going to catch them. It's almost laughable to them. So, no fear of being caught equals no change in physical reactions.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
ohgoodgrief
♀ Member
Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, dear, now I'm really worried! What I'm hearing is that if he passes, it means nothing, if he fails it probably means something. So on the same subject, should I tell him he is going to take the test the night before and maybe let him stew about it, or the morning of the test?
I can't believe I will get any pre test confessions.
I do believe he may believe he can beat it. He's pretty arrogant that way and yes, an accomplished liar.
Our MC/my IC doesn't believe he can beat it. The tester says it's extremely hard to fool the test. He won't drug up or anything like that, I know.
He told me a long time ago that to tell a good lie, all you have to do is take something that did happen and twist it to fit your circumstances. Then you practically believe it yourself...maybe that's what he's planning. Hard to twist something to negate someone (him) having sex in my bedroom with someone else tho. We shall see.
Thanks for all the help....

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this thread and new to the shocking thought I may have been in a 10 year relationship with a NPD.

I've been reading this thread for the last 48 hours and looked at the link Frank provided. It explains a LOT. I thought perhaps my XWH is a Passive Aggressive but this didn't explain his awful sudden rages over nothing and temper tantrums.

This is why I think he could be NPD.

* In the beginning of our relationship he pulled out all stops. He was incredibly charming, romantic. We were 'soulmates'. He'd never "loved anyone as much as he loved me". He told me I had 'so much beauty and wisdom'.

When I hacked into his email account I saw he had written the VERY same words to the OW. The very same. He had never loved anyone as much as her, she has so much beauty and wisdom it took his breath away.

When I asked him why he had told her the EXACT same things he told me 10 years ago he replied "well you tend to use what works".

* A few years into our relationship he started to get verbally abusive. His rages would come out of nowhere. He stopped caring about my needs. He ignored me when I was sick and would get impatient with me if I needed him to take me to the doctor or hospital in an emergency. He withdrew sex and wouldn't see anyone about why he wasn't interested. Before he 'withdrew sex' he started to play out this cold role play as if he was screwing a dirty whore using 'dirty talk' and on more than one occasion he would be rough and hurt me but was oblivious to my quiet tears.

*He was extremely jealous of my love for my daughter from a previous marriage.

*During his A he was cruel to me. His eyes literally changed to ice when he looked at me. I didn't know what I had done wrong and was so confused.

*When I discovered his A at first he expected us to live together as housemates! When I said no he threatened to kick me out of the house. He threatened to hit me if I didn't 'play nice'. 2 weeks after DDay he looked coldly at me while I was crying and said "I thought you'd be over it by now". I finally got him out of the house, but he took half the furniture. I only begged him to leave one item, a statue I loved but he took pleasure in taking that too. The day he left he didn't even say goodbye.

*When he realised the MOW wasn't going to leave her BH he started harassing me with emails, texts and phone calls, using different numbers/private settings so I'd pick up. My NC drove him crazy. Even though his emails were of the "I'm sorry, I fucked up, I miss you" I felt an undercurrent of anger in his tone. Now I realise he IS angry I'm not begging him to come back.

*Everyone thinks he is 'lovely'. So helpful and supportive of you have a problem. He took great pleasure kicking me when I was down. I knew if some crises or sad event happened to me he would use my vulnerability to 'kick' me further. It was if he was punishing me for focussing on myself.

*I saw many examples of NPD traits when it came to his work. "He" was the only hard worker/intelligent one and 'they' including his bosses were all idiots.

*I finally phoned him a month ago and kindly requested he stopped all contact because it was upsetting me. He was quiet for a couple of weeks then sent another email then it stopped. It was as if he wanted the last word? Or MOW is back in his life more likely (she's back as a friend on his FB page) and she is filling his NPD needs.

*When I confronted him about the A he was sorry on DDay but refused to give up the MOW. During the 7 weeks it took to get him out of the house he cried 'suicidal' and I was the one who ended up comforting him! Manipulation?


Does this sound like NPD?

[This message edited by Faith2011 at 12:00 AM, August 9th (Tuesday)]


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, August 9th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now I think I understand why I'd always want to scream at him "I'm a human being!" because he never seemed to want to recognise I had normal human needs like other people. Like care when I was sick, support when I was upset ...

He hated that I was overweight. He hated it that I'd go to the local shops in gym wear and not all dressed up! He always seemed embarrassed to be with me in public when I had put weight on. He wanted me to dress in a certain way.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, August 9th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faith,

Uggghhh, sure sounds like NPD classic symptoms. Sorry you found yourself a memeber of this club. The best thing you can do for yourself is educate yourself as quickly and as thoroughly as you can I will add a link to the bottom of this post for you to cut and paste to your browser. Add it to your favorites so you can come back to it often. It has places you can click on to get you more informations on NPD. Soak it up like a sponge.

Since you are just starting to see the possibilities of NPD you will not be ready to accept it completely until you educate yourself and start seeing all the neon signs. When I learned that it was incurable and untreatable I refused to accept it because it meant I would have to let go of hope, her, and the marriage. I just was not ready to do that. AS I became more educated, I finally could not deny it any longer. I accepted it, let go of hope, let go of her, and let go of the marriage. It was not until then that I could finally start to heal. And it has been getting better by leaps and bounds ever since.

So take a look at the info and ask all the questions you need to ask and get yourself into a position to accept it......then let go....

Welcome to the beginning of your healing and a better life.

http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, August 9th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Frank,

Thanks for the link. I've read it, re-read, copied and pasted sections to email to a friend ..

I'm still trying to get my head around WHY on earth I put up with the crazy making. Intellectually I know - slowly conditioned over the years, every so often he'd put me off balance by buying flowers and saying something nice.

I feel like I'm in shock again. Not as bad as DDay but again wondering what was real and what was a delusion?

I used to have fantasies of meeting up with XWH when I was skinny again, happy, doing really well. But today?

I just want him to stay the hell away from me.

I guess there's more learning to detach. Thank goodness he is mostly gone. I don't think I could have left him if he hadn't had an A. He would have made me feel too guilty and then there's the little problem of a big grown man's temper tantrums.

I even told him before he left he seemed to have problems loving. He loves BIG TIME at first, me, his dog, his children, his sister.. but there was hell to pay if they disappointed him. He'd cut off his love/affection literally overnight.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, August 9th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

* In the beginning of our relationship he pulled out all stops. He was incredibly charming, romantic. We were 'soulmates'. He'd never "loved anyone as much as he loved me". He told me I had 'so much beauty and wisdom'.

As you educate yourself you will see that this is typical verbage from an NPD. Almost exact same quotes in the link you have gone to.

When I hacked into his email account I saw he had written the VERY same words to the OW.

Yep, it is not a feeling it is a tool. He does not feel these things. He is incapable.

* A few years into our relationship he started to get verbally abusive. His rages would come out of nowhere. He stopped caring about my needs.

Yep, he had you hooked so there was no need to keep up the charade.

he started to play out this cold role play as if he was screwing a dirty whore using 'dirty talk' and on more than one occasion he would be rough and hurt me but was oblivious to my quiet tears.

Yep, you became a tool and an object. You were just something he used to satisfy his needs. You were an object with no feelings.

*He was extremely jealous of my love for my daughter from a previous marriage.

Yep, he was not the apple of your eye. It was not all about him. His jealuous fits were a manipulation to make you focus on him.

During his A he was cruel to me.

This is just typical WS bullshit of demonizing you so he could feel justified in fucking whore. This way what he was doing was not wrong because NPDs can never be wrong. If you did the same thing to him it would be horribly wrong of you but because it was him with the same excuse it is acceptable.

*When I discovered his A at first he expected us to live together as housemates!

Yep, he needed you to stay to keep him from losing what he had. You must have been either helping with the bills or been his SAH maid service. You were a tool he had not figured out how to replace yet. Keeping you around like he would keep a vaccum cleaner around.

When I said no he threatened to kick me out of the house. He threatened to hit me if I didn't 'play nice'.

I think he or you skipped a step here. Normally they try to sway you with niceness and promises first. Then they escalate to intimidation through threats or degrading you so you feel like you have nowhere to go. He has jumped right to intimidation unless you left out the part where he tried to go back to step one where you are the most important thing in the world to him. And if you treat him better he will by yours forever....

2 weeks after DDay he looked coldly at me while I was crying and said "I thought you'd be over it by now".

Right out of the NPD handbook. Since they have no ability to empathize, he can not understand why this is still hurting you. Plus you are making this uncomfortable for him because your pain insinuates he did something wrong....and that is impossible. So therefore your continued hurting is wrong and rediculous.

I finally got him out of the house, but he took half the furniture. I only begged him to leave one item, a statue I loved but he took pleasure in taking that too.

Once they can no longer control you they are willing to exit....but it has to be on their terms. They are still in control. The statue was his symbol of control. The rest of the stuff he took was because he doesn't care how you are going to live....it was about what he needed. He didn't care where you will sleep, sit, eat, or anything else. If he didn't take it, it was because he didn't need it. Once again...all about him.

The day he left he didn't even say goodbye.

You are no longer there as an object he needs. He has replaced you (he thinks), and so you are discarded like yesterday's trash. You are the vacuum cleaner that doesn't work any more. Sorry I know that is harsh but that is what NPD is.....harsh.

*

When he realised the MOW wasn't going to leave her BH he started harassing me with emails, texts and phone calls, using different numbers/private settings so I'd pick up. My NC drove him crazy. Even though his emails were of the "I'm sorry, I fucked up, I miss you" I felt an undercurrent of anger in his tone. Now I realise he IS angry I'm not begging him to come back.

Awww, he found out he couldn't have the new vacuum cleaner so he is stuck wsithout one. He is trying to catch up to the trash truck and is pissed because they won't stop and they are assholes because they keep driving off.....He's not the asshole for throwing away a perfectly good vacuum cleaner.

*Everyone thinks he is 'lovely'.

Yep, it is important to NPD to be admired. To be revered as better than everyone else. They put on the perfect show when people are watching.

I knew if some crises or sad event happened to me he would use my vulnerability to 'kick' me further. It was if he was punishing me for focussing on myself.

Yep, how dare you put yourself in front of his needs. You are just a selfish bitch. You stole his spotlight.

"He" was the only hard worker/intelligent one and 'they' including his bosses were all idiots

Right out of the NPD handbook. A feeling of supeiority. A crucial element in NPD. The whole world is fucked up and he is the only one who knows what is really going on. He is PERFECT!!! And he knows this because he is NEVER wrong.

During the 7 weeks it took to get him out of the house he cried 'suicidal' and I was the one who ended up comforting him! Manipulation?

My STBXW did attempt two suicides. Attending psych. at the nut house said it was Villain/Victim transfer. Villains are bad and she could not be the villain soooo.....she became the victim. It worked. Got her a whole bunch of sympathizers and made me the bad guy for driving her to suicide. It worked on you too because you treated him like he was a victim. Bet you wish you could take that back now, huh?

*When I confronted him about the A he was sorry on DDay

There's the step we were missing up above....knew it had to be there somewhere.

When he realised the MOW wasn't going to leave her BH he started harassing me with emails, texts and phone calls, using different numbers/private settings so I'd pick up.

His plan A wasn't working out. He wasn't getting the new vacuum cleaner.

My NC drove him crazy. Even though his emails were of the "I'm sorry, I fucked up, I miss you"

This is step one. Try nice manipulation first.....then if that doesn't work move to step two.....anger and intimidation. They all hate step one.....

I am going to go one step further and guess that throughout the entire marriage, you never got one single sincer apology for any argument you ever had. I will bet that you were always the one that had to make the first move to end the tension. I will bet he never once said "I am sorry about the fight last night, it was all my fault. I was in a bad mood". Just my guess.

I see where you said you went to the link I provided earlier. So I guess you already know he is NPD. Watch out if OW dumps him because the wrath will come back onto you. And if you do not succumb to his needs he may start raging again and become physical. Right now he has discarded you and that is the best you can hope for. Much better than the physical rage attacks. Just keep on ignoring him but move forward with divorce proceedings to make it illegal for him to rage and harrass you. So when...not if....MOW releases him you will have some legal protection. But he may not care about legal stuff so take all the percautions to protect yourself. Keep a VAR handy for when you have to deal with him. If you record him making threats you can get protective order imediately and also have him arrested. Change locks if you can afford it. Even get a dog and have him trained to be agressive at the scent of STBX...a little extreme but it can be done.

I would have never believed my STBXW would stab and cut me.....NPD rage is unpredictable.

I hope this helps you see things more clearly and helps speed up the acceptance phase so you can truly begin healing.

Keep us posted on your progress and if you think you see more behaviors....let us know.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, August 9th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He loves BIG TIME at first, me, his dog, his children, his sister.. but there was hell to pay if they disappointed him. He'd cut off his love/affection literally overnight.

When attending psychiatrist at nut house told me she was extremely narcississtic, and after she told me what it meant, I argued. She said she did not care about anyone or anything but herself. I told him he was wrong. I told him she loved her dogs and would die rather that give one of them up (we had 33 at the time). He said that may be true as long as they serve a purpose for her but as soon as they no longer served a purpose, she would let them go in a heartbeat.

The day she moved out.....she left all the dogs for me to deal with and has not given a shit about how they are doing or what I was going to do with them.

I always felt bad for her dogs. When she first got them she just loved them and they were the center of the universe. As soon as they started becoming a responsibility, she stopped paying attention to them and got another one. And then they became the center of the universe. Many of her dogs became neurotic and jealous aggressive to the point of being red zone dogs. I believe it was from this narcississtic behavior towards them.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, August 9th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frank I'm so sorry you have had experience NPD so severe. But it's also inspiring you managed to /are detaching from the nightmare.

When I said no he threatened to kick me out of the house. He threatened to hit me if I didn't 'play nice'.

I think he or you skipped a step here. Normally they try to sway you with niceness and promises first. Then they escalate to intimidation through threats or degrading you so you feel like you have nowhere to go. He has jumped right to intimidation unless you left out the part where he tried to go back to step one where you are the most important thing in the world to him.

Yes I did skip a step! Wow! This is right out of an NPD Handbook! DDay he cried, he offered to hug me. The next few days he went back to calling me "babe" (his name for the MOW too). It was sickening and confusing. When I still refused to play happy 'housemates' with him his temper tantrums and cruelty appeared again.

He adopted a beautiful dog. He fed him the best quality diet, took him for walks everyday, training school, he was my WXH universe. Everyone complimented him on such a stunning dog.

Until a few months later the dog nipped him at training school. In front of everyone. That was it. Love over and out. He'd feed the dog but then totally ignored him. The poor dog was so confused. I was the one who ended up playing with the dog. He was too big (a Rottwelier) for me to walk. Finally after a couple of months he gave the dog away thank goodness.

Just like your XWW. Stopped all care and attention.

That episode chilled me to the core. When I heard he had adopted another dog after he left, my heart sank but it turned out he also gave that dog away too after a month or two because the "neighbours were complaining about the dog barking".

We are not married (defacto) thank goodness and don't have children together. I imagine he might turn up one day but I will be ready.

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me understand NPD. I'm so sorry you had to become so knowledgeable.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
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