Yes, I'm getting the silent treatment. I suggested we divorce but not split up. I said that he was never into being married and then gave examples, including the fact that he had a girlfriend and was going to leave me last year for her (he swears that isn't true, but he said he was leaving to go down south to see a grandmother he hasn't seen in years. Turns out, Granny had moved to Oregon, but the OW lives in Mississippi)
I say "well that's nice"
response: Fuck you
I say I was making a genuine offer and even said we didn't need to split up
then the phone was turned off. I guess stating FACTS is out of bounds and now I must be punished. Oh, I love the silent treatment. It's so fun.
I love my spy gear.
What an ass he is.
EDIT: Total porn viewing - 45 minutes. Must have been a good one!!
[This message edited by neverbelieve at 1:20 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday)]
I understand that NPD is a difficult thing to live with but what are the reasons for keeping me here, is it so he has someone to lie that actually cares?
I now know that porn and gambling and any other addiction is all part of the NPD but what I cannot understand is why they bother to pretend to love someone and not want them to leave. It seems like it would be easier to not be in a relationship and just do whatever they want so there is no arguing and then they can do whatever they want whenever they want.
I am trying to plan an exit strategy but everytime I feel like I am making progress something happens to change it and I start feeling stuck again.
This week the fuel pump in the van went at the casino and he lied about his pay check and how much money he took out and was broke two days after pay day.
So along with the betrayal of his so called ONS which I now know he probably lied about, he is addicted to computer games, gambling, and lies about money and if I had to guess other stuff to.
Then we get into an argument and I ask him if there is anything he is doing that I need to know about and he says no, that he is doing nothing wrong.
I am left feeling confused and hurt all over again, I have to keep reminding myself that he does not know that I know about his lies, so I just in his face and wonder what else he is lying about that I don't know about.
I was trying to wait for my grandson to be born before I left but he was due yesterday and shows no signs of wanting to come out. So once again my plans are put on hold to do what I fell I need to because of other stuff going on.
Can someone please help me make sense of this,
I stopped trying to make sense of it, other than to accept that he doesn't feel things the way the rest of us do.
Try watching him, like a movie. See what pushes his buttons and what doesn't. See what pushes YOUR buttons and how often he goes straight for that.
Just observe. You can't change him. You can only figure out how to deal with him.
Yet he says the kindest things to me and sometimes it even makes sense, then I snap out of i and realize that I am falling for his bull hit again remember he does not mean anything he says, or better yet everything he says is just the opposite so when he says he loves me he doesn't mean it, when he says nothing is going on there is and when he says that he does not want me to leave he does.
I am correct in that, or making mr out of it then there is?
Why do you think he's NPD? Where is that posted? I'm assuming you posted it?
I think they lie to manipulate you into believing something ridiculous/false or into doing something they want you to do. Esp when backed into a corner.
My H hasn't been diagnosed..as if he'd see someone to find out.. but the more I read and the more online quizzes I take the more proof I have that he is NPD. I don't think on the worst end of the spectrum but all of it is so damaging. Lots of info online. I'm seeing a counselor alone today for the first time. MC didn't work out real well as he lied and put on a show.
I just told him yes I want a D. This morning, definitely, cause I can't take it anymore, I can't breathe, my anxiety is making me sick and I feel better when he's not around so I don't have to deal with him.
When I've asked for space he's up my ass with BS to hurt me or killing with kindness, whatever he thinks might work to get me to stay, of course I can't believe any of it. I asked for truth, got more lies. Said I was done, put away my wedding rings, got bullying, bluffing, lies and blatant emotional abuse, unlike the subtle abuse I've suffered for 13 yrs. It was when that started that I researched and decided he's NPD.
I was being bullied Tues evening via text messages while out with my daughter trying to enjoy some 1 on 1 time while leaving my little twins with him. I decided it was time. Told him today and now I'm getting the messages that say..."don't know what I'd do without you" "not fair to kids" "we have to try harder, more" "we can't financially make it alone" "i love you, i know you love me"
blah blah.. how am I supposed to believe anything? I can't. I'm terrified but I think it's time.
Thoughts? Words of wisdom? Anything to keep me going??
Do you still have the messages from Tuesday? If so, just go re-read them.
I save all my 'fun' texts for just such occasions. When I feel weak, or when I really want to believe him, I read the messages. I read the ones he sent when I found out about the A, I read the ones he sent during the A, I read the ones he sends even now telling me to die and how he hopes when he gets home he finds me in a tub full of blood. Then it's easy to see through the "I love you so much, I really do. I just want us to be happy."
Text him back saying you don't care what he says. You're through with him and you're glad it's over. Then tell him you're better than him anyway. What you'll get in response should keep you going for a while.
I had been keeping texts from right after DDay with all kinds of lies and shit and he had the gall to erase over 100 of them last month.
That hope you die and bloody tub stuff is awful. Just sick. Mine are more manipulative about my ability to be a mother or wife or something like that. And putting words into my mouth about him too. Just to make me feel bad for something I didn't do or say. Then lie more and make me confused and to doubt myself. I hate it.
Don't let him manipulate you! You know what he's doing. I know, it's nearly impossible not to let it get to you but you have to just read it and say, out loud if necessary, this is a headgame and I'm going to win.
We can see when we're being manipulated. The hard part is to stand up to it and not buy into their nonsense. They live with us, they know our weak spots. Just remember, you know his too.
Oh, I love screwing with him.
I've gotten the "don't you think it's sad your H has to jerk-off?"
I just let him have his time with the computer. It's more into sex with him than I am.
And really, I could give a shit. At least when he's doing that he isn't bitching at me. Have at it, I say.
Ewww. I really need to set up a video camera in my living room
"Gee, I thought every mirror you looked in had the greatest view imaginable"
and started laughing. He just ignored it but I know it got to him.
They start my sweet talk, then escalate to guilt, then verbal abuse, then physical intimidation, and finally NPD Rage.
If you have not experienced the rage yet....pushing, hitting, hair pulling....in my case it ended up with a stabbing and cutting.
You may want to read up on how to deal with a NPD....
Having said that......damn it sure is fun to fuck with their head
Status: S & D'ing
I can't tell you how many times we have gotten into an arguement and he has said "we have nothing in common, you don't like my music, you don't like my friends". Before we got married we got into a disagreemetn and I got the silent treatment for a week. I had never experienced this with a man and finally told him I was done and leaving him if he ever did it again.
He was good about not doing this for a few years but went back the pouting and silent treatment. He always twists what I say when we disagree. He pretends to be easy going but we always had to do what he wanted. We alwasy had to listen to his music, he has to drive cause he has to be "in control".
I got sick last year and he basically deserted me for 3 months. He wouldn't talk to me or help me. I got sick again (same thing) this year and he would go out drinking for 10 hours leaving me alone. When I found out about his affair I left him and he convinced me he was sorry and it was a mistake. He told the whores he loved them but told me it was part of the "game".
I moved back and when I was sick he took up with a married neighbor but swears I am crazy and nothing is going on. He also told my that my illness was all in my head yet he knew I was hospitalized for it. When I decided to leave him he became so agressive that I feared he would hit me. I had to threaten him with the cops so he would leave.
He is an alcoholic and I noticed that when he drinks I become the wicked witch of the west and he rages at me for anything I say. I always wondered why he was MR. Wonderful to everyone else but a nasty mean person to me inside our home. After I left him I talked to someone who told me that he has always told everyone that he was miserable with me and complained about me. I couldn't understand why after I left he was able to just completely shut me out and has no empathy for what he has done to me.
I understand now that he doesn't love me and never has, he is done with me because I am no longer feeding him and I dare to call him on all his crap. This is going to help me a lot to understand why I missed the man I fell in love with an why nothing I ever did was right. There is so much more that he did but reading this thread has put it all in perspective for me, thank you for starting this thread.
My IC met with him once and pegged him as a narcissist right out of the gate. He's got some other issues too; he's not the obvious narcissist or super high on the spectrum, but he's there. He believes his way is the best way all. the. time.
Anyway, my question is, do narcissists become bratty when they are ignored? I'm seeing that it is starting to piss him off a bit that I am total NC and don't give him the time of day. He doesn't do anything big about it, i.e., no rage or violence or anger. It's more of bratty school boy shit that he sort of does through the kids.
For instance, he took them to a liquor store and bought wine because he "drinks wine with his buddy from work." He then took them to a car dealership and looked for a new car, meanwhile allowing them to come home with the biggest balloons he could find at the dealership so they would tell me where he was. Mind you, he has the kids about 10% of the time so there is really no reason he can't go shopping and run errands when they are not with him. But I digress. He then brought them back from a visit and gave them a pack of playing cards. They told me about a magic trick that he showed them and part of it involved a story. The story didn't make much sense to me, but DS was flipping over the cards and called one of them the "ex-wife card". WTF????
I don't say word one to him. I only text or email when it involves the kids and I barely give him one word answers when he gets in touch with me. He turned his back so I turned mine. Fuck him and his bullshit. At the same time though, why dig at me and throw the darts?
Is this the brattiness of a narcissist who is pissed off that I dared to file for D before he said he was ready???? I had no choice. He moved out, never told me there was someone else, lied over and over about this being a trial separation. As soon as I found out about the skank OW, I told him he was dead to me and I filed for D about 2 months later.
Is he saying to me, "how dare you"? Is his ego bruised now because he has to air his laundry and keep the facade going that it was somehow a sound decision to leave his beautiful wife, children and home for nothing but an uneducated, home wrecking slut who ruined her own marriage with cheating and did it to 2 others before she got to him??
Help me understand.
It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!
My H can't stand it when I ignore him or I don't promptly answer him in person, calls or texts, just the other night I didn't 'care about my kids' cause I didn't answer him immediately. Everything with him is about appearances, he kept my StepD a secret in professional circles for years in fear they'd 'think differently of him for having a kid out of wedlock at 20yrs old'. He's very vain and private... nasty about keeping his A and temper tantrum behavior to ourselves. Your descriptions sound similar to what I've been dealing with. Sorry...
Saw IC last night first time. It was good. She let me pour it all out, I needed that. She observed without my mentioning it that my descriptions sound like he is a narcissist... Yay validation! I'm not nuts!
I was home for 15 mins before appt and he was soo mad since i said I want D yesterday morning that it was 15 mins of a beat down just to kick the bottom rack of the dishwasher in (with dishes) probly breaking some and scared the kids. I said, I think you owe them an apology gave them some hugs and love and left. At least he put forth some effort into comforting them as I was leaving.
Then after kids were in bed, we decided to have a chat. It was calm and peaceful, basically pleading for me not to leave, he's so depressed, tears (which are extremely unusual of course) loves me doesn't want D for kids, for our home, so on and so forth. Please try 1 more time, wear wedding rings...
I said I'd think about trying once more, but that I am done, his behavior is completely unacceptable. I am so tired of these games and refuse to engage in them anymore.
I believe nothing, I only believe now it's all just more attempts at manipulating me into doing what he wants. He's desperate, grasping at straws. Has no idea what the right thing to do is.
I'm scared but quite sure I have no other option than to file for D.