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User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 14th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I will hang out here awhile and let the crazy making wear off....

Seriously, if I never hear the word, "Really? Really, caregiver?" again in the patronizing "you have to crazy to think such a thing, and even crazier to say it out loud" it will be too soon. And hate this, my nine year old said it last week, "Really, mommy? Really?" Ugh.

I am NOT crazy... I don't think? At least not all the time, not yet.

I was reading here and one of the earliest "creep factors" for me in our marriage was that when my H would fight with me and even then it was manipulative and hurtful and without empathy, I would get very upset, often to the point of vomiting. At this point my H would come into the bathroom and hug me, forcing my face, snot and tears into his shoulder to "comfort" me. No words, no apology. And, here is where it always made my skin crawl, he would have a raging hard on. I am broken, sobbing, covered in tears, snot, a broken mess smelling of puke and he is AROUSED? I asked him about it because it bothered me so deeply. How could he at a time like this. His answer: I can't help it. Any time I am near you, I am turned on. Sounds good, flattering even right? It never sat well with me. Now I think it should have made me RUN way back when.

I fantasize about another country, a secret identity. I even wished to witness a terrible crime so I could be put in witness protection. I want to walk away, hell sprint in any direction! I am willing to do it too, even with the kids. Anyone know of a particularly healing location with a low cost of living?

I have full custody. I don't know whether he would pursue a relationship with them or not. They are a major source of pride for him. And he can use them to hurt me, so probably. But I would run anyway. He travels so a location change doesn't really impact him, and gives me a fresh start. This is a relatively new fantasy/thought for me. I don't know if it is healthy or not.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5290 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 15th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((caregiver)))
I completely get the desire to run away.
I did it by dumping my pet and all her possessions at her mother's (3 hrs. away, where she stays to this day), and renting a little shady spot.
Since she knows where I work, I drive roundabout ways home and check the rearview mirror.
But we have no kids together.

So my heart breaks for all of you that have to continue contact because of the children, and they do use them to maintain control and continue the abuse.

In some cases, it takes awhile, but NPD's 'typically' move on to other sources of supply eventually, and in time, it's appalling how very little they stay in contact with their children - but anything you can reasonably do to limit contact, and minimize their effect on your children is good.

I have not seen any situation in my entire time on these threads where contact with the NPD is good.

If NC is the best, then when the children display NPD-learned behaviors, you can purposefully not respond. A sort of modified NC with the NPD growing inside them.
So, when "really, mommy?" happens, you don't respond. Act as if you didn't hear, or it wasn't said...
worth a try?
No doubt that dealing with the special skewing stretch left behind is a gargantuan task, and my heart breaks so often for your struggles!

I carry around a link to the older stories - the oldest I could find here. I know it's alot of reading, but the wisdom and insight is immense. May it help us all on our paths!
(((TRIBE)))

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=196693&AP=1&HL=10617


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 15th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((caregiver)))
Take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, take viatmins, remember to eat. spend time with friends and positive people.

My boys were horribly affected by their NDP father. He still has a great deal of control over them. The best advice I can give is limit the time your kids spend with him. The popular divorce trend is now for parents to "co-parent" and judges lean toward generous visitaton for the non-custodial parent. We proved in court that time with NPD was not safe, or in the best interest of the child. He has minimal time with the youngest, but the oldest live with him and has begun to act like him. Heart breaking. I had to limit the time the brothers are together which caused a lot of anger, but was the right choice.

Be strong. The kids are trophies for him, not people. They will be used like chess pieces - forever.

Learn all you can about this behavior and teach yourself new ways of responding -- and not responding.


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 15th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The kids are trophies for him, not people. They will be used like chess pieces - forever.

This is it exactly! From the minute they were born he couldn't wait, literally couldn't wait for them to be "old enough." This meant all the gifts he gave were not age appropriate. They got bikes too early, baseball gloves, karate lessons, and all of it was geared at how Dad felt about it. The kids' needs obviously didn't figure into it at all.

*sigh* all of this makes me tired. I am HIGHLY concerned at the signs of entitlement in the 9 year old. I have always thought it was a certain level of selfishness that comes with childhood. Are there books on this, raising a child with NPD tendencies? I am not sure that he is. He certainly has empathy. I think. Ah, now I am all a mess in my head.

I don't have any issues with limiting time with Stretch. He works out of town. He is a full blown SA and I have full physical and legal custody with determinative decision making rights. And I believe with an expensive fight I cannot afford right now, I could have court supervised visitation required if he doesn't get treatment for the sex addiction and continues with his current behaviors.

Would now be the time to admit I am non confrontational by nature and hate that my life has become a battle field? Let's just add to the mix that my mother has also proven herself to be toxic and self centered and I have found it necessary to eliminate contact with her because I don't have the energy to take hurt from her or the energy to protect the kids from her bitterness. Thankfully there is full blown support here and I have a few steadfast fabulous girlfriends in real life.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5290 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, August 15th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

caregiver,

Have a look at this for you 9YO:

http://www.parentingscience.com/teaching-empathy-tips.html

It's not too late for the kids.


Posts: 10941 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, August 15th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend? Might be very helpful. I have to re-read it every few months.

You are not crazy. You are a smart, capable woman and you will work your way through this.


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, August 15th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you TIKY. I do feel much better after reading that article. I have been doing many of those things by virtue of the fact that I am a naturally fabulous parent...

Actually lots of child development and child psychology classes and 8 years teaching adolescents and working in a group home with troubled adolescents and leading small groups for troubled children and COA, before deciding to have children helped me to make some really fortunate decisions along the way with my own.

Perspective is what I need. They are troubled. They are acting out in very normal ways. I am seeing it because I am observant and concerned. And because they trust me enough to give me their fear and let me see the anger. Deep breath. Just breathe is advice you might think you wouldn't need repeated... I do.

I also don't want to fall into my own form of justification by labeling H. But understanding him and what he does and the possible "why" helps me to adjust. And I am a learner and a teacher by nature. It is why this kind of thing works for me.

I am rambling now, so I will stop with another thank you for the responses.

eta to add: And I will definitely look for the book. Thanks for the recommendation.

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 4:56 PM, August 15th (Sunday)]


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5290 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The kids are trophies.

WOW!! This had a profound affect on me.

I used to think WH's actions were because he really cared for them, and in his crazy way, perhaps he does to an extent.

They haven't seen WH in 3 months because he is overseas "because of business" and is busy with OW and OC's over there. But, they miss him, as I miss the persona he portrayed so well for 22 years.

I saw the "real" WH is his interaction with other people, but it was never with me. Now, it is.

I think this is what is so hard for me. I really, really believed in the persona he portrayed. I would see glimpses of the real monster inside, but always attributed it to stress, anger, etc.

I am still so confused as to who the real person is.

Perhaps, too, that I don't want to admit that I was so blind to believe the good part was really him. Maybe, I don't WANT to or am able to see the reality.

WH has hurt me too much. That I MUST face. I really think I am co-dependent and an abuse victim (not physical, but mentally and emotionally)


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((honest)))

I really think I am co-dependent and an abuse victim (not physical, but mentally and emotionally)

Yes. If you were with one of these NPD disordered-types, then yes, I'm sure you are. The realization of what you've endured and tolerated will wash over you in waves.

We are here to help and listen. Throw it all out there. Probably more than one of us has experienced the same or similar. sigh.

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 12:46 AM, August 17th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7625 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. I'm just so beside myself. My WH is a SA and NPD /BP...& a host of other shet.

HOW did you divorce them IF you were financially dependent on them? Did you have to bide time while you went back to school/got training, etc? HOW did you DO IT?I've been separated for over 1 year...but home school my special needs kid & have been a SAHM for 24 years...

I'm feeling sooooo hopeless... Thank you for this forum...there are MANY of us in this situation...glad for the experience/support.


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scribbling Mom, have you seen a lawyer? I ask because I am assuming if you have been a SAHM fir 24 years you have been married that long as well.

I know in my state long term marriages get different treatment during divorce. I was awarded spousal support as well as child support. It totals up to quite a bit and that is what allowed me to get out.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2367 | Registered: Jan 2010
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

C.,
i'm trying to get us through a bankruptcy/back taxes first...and he works in construction (lots under-the-table for cash right now) so on paper, I wouldn't get much. He/I/we have no assets (save cars), no retirement, etc.

We don't have the $ for a divorce lawyer either! I'm wondering if i should just bide my time while separated/in limbo, be civil, & go back to school part time while he's still putting some money in the bank (work is slow).
No easy answer...

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 11:36 PM, August 17th (Tuesday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScribblingMom: Your sitch is very similar to mine. Because of WH's business, not much is seen on the books. I wouldn't get much either if I went through the lawyers. I did see one, though, and he said that if I gathered enough papers to show some evidence that WH made more, it would help, but the lawyer was honest (an oxymoron, I know ) that it would cost a lot to do that.

I am opting right now to being civil and going back to school. It's taking its toll on my emotionally, though. I don't know if there is any easy way out of this.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sh!t, f@ck. I hate mr. NPD with all my being right now.
I got a call today from a distraught husband to a woman who npd has apparently been having a different affair with! I was sent spinning, thought I was done with all this affair madness. But nope he has to get involved with another married woman (first affair was also married, now divorced). The guy was a mess, but dealing. He has proof (FB, email, texts, etc) and is sending me copies. He is using it all to try to get custody because the calls often last for hours in the middle of the day when his wife was with the kids. She also kidnapped the kids and came to our state (they live elsewhere) and he is here now to get them back. What a mess, and of course npd is involved, jackass.
I am just sick, he's unemployed, now two affairs (this one is atleast 6 months old, so before I filed), his behavior has me even more worried for our kids while under his care. I don't know what to do.....
And the emotions this brings up, damn....


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
fallenangel02
♀ Member
Member # 15044
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious...how many of you guys are going to an IC regulary while living with an NPD spouse?


i am finding it very necessary for myself...to do this...i think i will go crazy having stupid conversations with him...(which is always explaining myself and he questioning.blaming)

i think even IC will get annoyed..like this guys is an idiot...u will have better conversation with a dog..than him :P but anyway...i am just thinking at one point even IC will be like...its an everyday issue...just deal with it...


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC was 100% necessary to my healing, couldn't imagine life with out it.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't have gotten out OR had the strength to survive after I got out without it.

In my opinion IC, anti-depressant meds and anti-anxiety meds saved my life.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
fallenangel02
♀ Member
Member # 15044
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks guys :)

i am gonna look into it...


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and IC. WH was always saying I was depressed (I wonder why???) and wanted me to go on AD. I think he wanted me to go on it so he could "drop the bomb" and disclose OW and OC's.

Cogal: I'm so sorry to hear your news. It is too much to deal with! At least you will feel secure in your decision that you D NPDH.

I understand your concern for your children.

See the evidence that this BH will send. He is extremely emotional himself now. He says that his wife "kidnapped" the kids, but who knows the real story.

You might want to contact your lawyer and discuss this issue and see if NPD H can have supervised visits or something.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I go to IC (Salvation!)and S-Anon...sometimes Al-anon...and I take AD's. However, I do not live w/ my WH...we have been separated for over 1 year now.


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
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