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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another long discussion with my SAWS last night...I know he rather hates these discussions, but I don't much care if it makes him uncomfortable. I'm not willing to sweep anything under the rug and I also need to be able to talk about how I feel & ask questions as part of how I process trauma.

I heard some interesting things. I heard that he still has no idea why he acts out and isn't really even clear on what he gets out of acting out.

He says his acting out has absolutely nothing to do with me, and that he now finds it disturbing that he was able to act out, then look at me and have no thoughts whatsoever about his behavior being a betrayal or harmful to our marraige.

Talk about MAJOR COMPARTMENTALIZATION!

He says it all got out of control and he just couldn't stop when he was in a full-blown binge.

The bottom line is that he is going back to SA meetings, starting tonight.

It has taken almost 6 months for him to decide to go back. I still hear some denial and I still hear some protection of the addiction. However, what really seems to get through to him is hearing the other people share at meetings. I really am glad to see that because I don't want to play the role of counselor/sponsor to break down his denial system. I have too much of my OWN healing to do!


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We bopth went to meetings last night. There was only one other person in the COSA meeting. She described her reactions to her husband's SA which she believes to be porn only.

Listening to her, I had some very strong reactions and realized a few things. I really, really am revolted by porn. To me, most of it is fantasy female degredation at best--and encourages violence against women at worst. When I was snooping & my WS was acting out--I saw the stuff that he was watching. Ehat I saw was dead-eyed people gyrating around in a way that had no resemblance to how most women think of sex or enjoy sex.

There's a show called the "Big C" where a woman finds her teenage son's laptop with porn on it. She sits him down & explains that he can't mistake that stuff for what real women like. "real life women do not find it sexy to have 4 guys ejaculate on their face", she tells him.

Sigh...I wish my SAWS's mother had given him the same talk when he was young...

Anyway, my realizations about how I feel about porn are that it has lead to me feeling not just anger but revulsion about my SAWS's addiction. It has led to me having feelings of revulsion about my husband himself.

I find this a bit confusing. If my husband were an alcoholic, I wouldn't feel that alcohol was vile and evil. It's just a substance that some people have a predisposition to become addicted to. I don't feel that way about porn.

P.S. My feelings about porn have become even stronger in the past few years. I have a Nar-anon sponsee who's young crack addicted daughter has been supporting her habit with porn and prostitution. I have listened to her mother's fear and dispair many times. Sometimes I think...my WS could very well have been getting off to something that her daughter was in and it made me want to vomit.

[This message edited by Tal at 10:41 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, got a question from the last few posts.

I installed net watching software on our computer but the emails come to me, not to his sponsor. This is new for us, so that's wrong? Also, we have 2 young kids in the house and the monitoring software is also to make sure they don't click off somewhere to see something they shouldn't (DD8 loves YouTube for goofy cartoon parodies.) All the rest of the computers have passwords that SAWH doesn't know. The one he has access to is also one the kids use to play games, and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with someone else monitoring their usage.

Did any of that make sense? Basically, if we have a family computer that is the only one he has access to at home (his work computer is monitored heavily by his company, monitors the addresses he visits and time) is it reasonable for me to be the one doing the monitoring?

Now he also has his smartphone which I can get monitoring for and pass that off to his sponsor, but it's a Droid and all of the software I've found so far doesn't fully protect it (doesn't catch email, etc)

Some guidance, please :)

Also wanted to add that whoever posted that Abstinence is not the same as Sobriety, thank you. SAWH has taken that to heart and keeps telling me that it's become his mantra and he continues to come back to it on a daily basis.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Exclaimation  Posted: 12:27 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy smokes... If you feel your SA has ADHD, check this out:

www.adhdmarriage.com

The forum has some excellent posts from partners of ADHD. This would help explain perhaps why my XSO was not into me sexually, but into hyper-porn surfing. He is the poster child for adult ADHD.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kicked:
I installed net watching software on our computer but the emails come to me, not to his sponsor. This is new for us, so that's wrong?
Yes and no. It's good to have the monitoring software and it's okay for you to get a copy of the reports (as long as it's not sending you into an emotional tailspin every time you read it). It's NOT okay that he does not have accountability partners (he should have more than one, this is what groups are for.) His sponsor can be an accountability partner. He would have to ask him to be.

Qualifications of Accountability Partners:
* not your spouse or partner
* same sex
* is sober and actively in recovery
* is willing to be "not so nice," to ask difficult questions, to confront when he finds anything on the reports
* is not easily fooled
* can keep confidence
* is available for daily check in by phone or email
* will meet for regular face-to-face meetings
* is willing to be "on call" for times of stress and temptation

This is one essential reason that all SAs need a GROUP!! Whether it's SA or a group facilitated by his CSAT. They NEED accountability partners and the ONLY place to find them is in a SA recovery group.

Ideally, his accountability partners are people he can contact BEFORE he acts out so that he won't. If he's tempted he calls an accountability partner and they talk it through. If he's struggling in any way he makes calls and does his work. It's a key part of recovery.

These are the people he relies on to help him enforce his bottom line behaviors and stop his acting out.

Do you understand why this CANNOT be you?

That said...

Yes, you need to know the status of his sobriety. I suggest you do FANOS (see below.) You have a right to know the status and whether or not he is acting out but it's not your job to monitor him or advise him. He must rely on his CSAT, his sponsor and his fellow SAs for that.

FANOS:
According to Google it was developed specifically for couples in Sex Addiction recovery.

Couples in recovery need to stay connected emotionally, and addicts' spouses need to get consistent updates about sobriety. Most couples find that in the busyness of a typical week, this connection gets easily lost.

Over time, Mark and Debbie Laaser have developed an acronym for couples to use as a guide for regular "check in" conversations. These conversations can be long or short, it's up to you. They use the acronym FANOS - from the Greek word phainos which means "to bring to light" - to guide the conversation. During which you will each share the following:

Feelings – describe what / how you're feeling

Affirmations – find one or two things you want to affirm about your spouse

Needs – something you need today (it does not necessarily need to be something you need from your spouse but it can be)

Ownership – something you’ve done or said that you take responsibility / apologize for

Sobriety (for the SA) - he relates the status of his sobriety, how many days or months he has etc or if he's had to reset his sobriety, what his new date is, and why he had to reset. He should also just share generally how things are going. For example: "I struggled this week but I called (accountability partner) and he helped me through it." The SA needs to be very careful in this part so that he's not emotionally dumping on the spouse.

Self-Care – you can report on the status of your self care attempts (Or substitute Struggle, if you feel your self care is good and would like to share something you're struggling with.) You may also do sobriety if you're working a 12-step recovery (for an addiction of your own) or if you are working to stop co-addict or co-dep behaviors.

For those in R with a rSA try using this acronym as a guide for a conversation with your spouse every day or every few days. You will be amazed at the sense of ongoing intimacy you experience. It will also help alleviate your anxiety without putting you in a co-dep role or an accountability partner role.

Also, we have 2 young kids in the house and the monitoring software is also to make sure they don't click off somewhere to see something they shouldn't (DD8 loves YouTube for goofy cartoon parodies.) All the rest of the computers have passwords that SAWH doesn't know. The one he has access to is also one the kids use to play games, and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with someone else monitoring their usage.
In my opinion, you've got this partially right. Yes, you should absolutely monitor your children online. I would change the fact that your husband and children are using the same computer. I feel it would be better if the only computer your husband has access to is one that the children do not have access to. The reason for this is twofold:
1. To ensure your children do not accidentally see porn your husband might look at.
2. So that your husband can use the computer to view SA recovery sites and resources without fear that the children might see them because that would also be inappropriate for them.
Now he also has his smartphone which I can get monitoring for and pass that off to his sponsor, but it's a Droid and all of the software I've found so far doesn't fully protect it (doesn't catch email, etc)
He needs to take responsibility for putting safeguards in place on his phone and making sure it's going to an accountability partner. He should share with you during FANOS that he has done this to maintain his recovery.
Also wanted to add that whoever posted that Abstinence is not the same as Sobriety, thank you. SAWH has taken that to heart and keeps telling me that it's become his mantra and he continues to come back to it on a daily basis.
That was me I'm very glad it helped!

7



Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
brokenk
♀ Member
Member # 30193
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in general and 7yrs suggested I come here. It's my first post here, probably because it's so hard for me to except he's a SA...

Deep inside me I know I am an attractive woman. I modeled when I was younger, I am approached by other men occassionally (I always turn them down and never engage), I am even told by many others I am attractive. But when I look at the women my WH had his A's with, how he told them they were the most beautiful and attractive women I cringe. They were ugly (not just on the inside but outside as well), over weight and putrid. Not only did he tell them they were amazing but he "needed" them to feel whole. He had me to tell him how amazing he was but these horrible woman were the ones he filled with compliments and nice words and sexy thoughts.
Now when he says I am beautiful I can't help but think he is lying, why not? He said it to all of them and he tells me he was lying to them. Why not lie to me?

How do you get past this kind of mistrust and begin to see the beauty in yourself again? How do you get back to feeling like that special one when your world has been shattered to reveil you never were that special to him to begin with? I tried reading a self esteem book but sadly I am not looking for validation that I am a good person, I KNOW that. I want to know I am beautiful, it may seem shallow but I do. And I fear eventually I will look else where to get this validation and I truly don't want that. I want to know that my WH sees me as the most beautiful women in the world, but he didn't say that to me he said it to her and now when he says it it seems so flat.

Anyone else here or been here and can help?


Me(32)- BW
Him(36)-WH Evilgeek
1st Dday 11/20/09
2nd Dday 11/20/10
Successfully R`ed.
Found out we are Pregnant 12/6/2010

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln


Posts: 568 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: California
lost_in_space
♀ Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7,

I've been reading a LOT about codependency and I can't really see a connection regarding my wanting to protect my boys from the porn they might come across if I'm not here to monitor and being codependent.

I would love for you to add to it so I can understand.

[This message edited by lost_in_space at 7:45 PM, March 1st (Tuesday)]


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenk, I hear you. As many times I have hear and read that my husband's
SA behavior has absolutely nothing to do with me, it is still hard to comprehend sometimes.

I told my husband recently that it may have nothing to do with me, but the messages I was given were:
*you are not desirable
*you are easy replaceable
*you aren't enough of a woman to satisfy me
*you are foolish and I don't respect you so I will lie right to your face
*you are not worthy of loyalty

My SAWS was shocked and horrified. He never thought in those terms, so hadn't understood how I would be affected that way.

I just keep repeating the mantra "this has nothing to do with me". Maybe repitition and education about SA will help me come to terms with it all.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really? Is it just me that is so creeped out by the porn itself and the degradation/objectification/hostility toward women that it shows?

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
lost_in_space
♀ Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really? Is it just me that is so creeped out by the porn itself and the degradation/objectification/hostility toward women that it shows?

No it's not just you.


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 7. I copied your post and forwarded it on to him.

He just got his sponsor on Friday and he calls him every day, so I believe that's headed in the right direction. He also has a list of names of the people he's met at the meetings and their phone numbers although I don't believe he has called any of them.

I asked him to speak to his sponsor about accountability partners. We will look at switching up the computers to have one that he has access to that the kids don't.

We're coming up on a difficult weekend for both of us so any baby steps forward are good. It's been 4 months since DDay and I guess part of me is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LIS
I've been reading a LOT about codependency and I can't really see a connection regarding my wanting to protect my boys from the porn they might come across if I'm not here to monitor and being codependent.

I would love for you to add to it so I can understand.

I didn't say that monitoring to protect your boys was codependent. And I agree, monitoring to protect yourself and your children is NOT codependent.

It comes down to intent. It's not the action or behavior itself that is codependent it's the intent behind it.

Monitoring a SA spouse who is not in recovery to protect yourself and your children is not codependent. It's self care.

Monitoring a SA spouse with the intent to try to control his acting out is codependent.

Doing anything in the hopes that you can manipulate the SA or his behavior is codependent.

I think you're referring specifically to my saying:

You saying have to stay in the same house to protect your kids is understandable but also wildly codependent. You're trying to manage his addiction and it's impact on your kids and you really can't.
It's not the monitoring that I was pointing out as a co-dep issue, it's your saying you "HAVE to stay" with your SA spouse to protect your kids. Again, it's the intent. You think you somehow have control by staying with an unrecovering SA as long as you monitor him closely enough. I'm not telling you that you have to leave him, your decision to leave or stay is yours. I'm pointing out that you seem to be stuck in a co-dep mindset in which you feel you MUST stay in order to control the situation ie protect your children. That's codependency.

Look at it this way. What if he up and leaves you? How would you control the situation and "protect" your children? Realistically, you can't.

It comes back to setting boundaries and consequences in a healthy way. They are not to manipulate or control and the way to KNOW they are not is to surrender the outcome.

You didn't CAUSE it. You can't CONTROL it. You can't CURE it.

I'll be honest, I think "staying to protect the kids" is actually more harmful than leaving and surrendering the outcome. Your SA is going to do what he's going to do, your kids are already affected by his SA no matter what you have done or will do. It's a fact. Your choices and how you conduct yourself is how they are learning to conduct themselves and make choices about relationships. By staying because you think you can control the situation, when you say you don't really want to be there, what are you teaching your kids?

Does that help or make more sense?

Tal

Really? Is it just me that is so creeped out by the porn itself and the degradation/objectification/hostility toward women that it shows?

NO, you're not.

7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 10:54 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenk said:
I posted this in general and 7yrs suggested I come here. It's my first post here, probably because it's so hard for me to except he's a SA...
Deep inside me I know I am an attractive woman. I modeled when I was younger, I am approached by other men occassionally (I always turn them down and never engage), I am even told by many others I am attractive. But when I look at the women my WH had his A's with, how he told them they were the most beautiful and attractive women I cringe. They were ugly (not just on the inside but outside as well), over weight and putrid. Not only did he tell them they were amazing but he "needed" them to feel whole. He had me to tell him how amazing he was but these horrible woman were the ones he filled with compliments and nice words and sexy thoughts.
Now when he says I am beautiful I can't help but think he is lying, why not? He said it to all of them and he tells me he was lying to them. Why not lie to me?

How do you get past this kind of mistrust and begin to see the beauty in yourself again? How do you get back to feeling like that special one when your world has been shattered to reveil you never were that special to him to begin with? I tried reading a self esteem book but sadly I am not looking for validation that I am a good person, I KNOW that. I want to know I am beautiful, it may seem shallow but I do. And I fear eventually I will look else where to get this validation and I truly don't want that. I want to know that my WH sees me as the most beautiful women in the world, but he didn't say that to me he said it to her and now when he says it it seems so flat.

Anyone else here or been here and can help?

Give her some love and support guys. She got lost in the shuffle of a current conversation. I replied in her thread in general but I told her she'd get support here too.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
brokenk
♀ Member
Member # 30193
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Tal and thank you 7. I'm an emotional mess right now. WH finally confessed what he "swears" to be the last of all the hidden truths (right, how many times have I heard that?). That he did in fact masturbate and have phone sex with one of the 7 OW he's been in contact with in the 3 years we've been together. Before that moment he always SWORE he never masturbated, I mean I always wanted sex, always. There was just no reason. And then I look up this girl (he had been with her sexually before me but stayed in contact) and she's hideous. Fat and gross and just disgusting. I don't get it. How can the thought of that turn him on to the point he can cum?

I'm so torn, on one hand I keep trying to tell myself that was a long time ago and look at what he's doing now, and then the rage comes out when I think of how he can just look me in the eyes and bold face lie to me, still. After everythng we've been through he can still lie to me like it's no big deal.

He says after he realized he didn't want any of that he stopped the "sexual" stuff. I guess meaning he stoped masturbating. He still looked at porn and talked to women but he said it turned into an emotional/ego stroke more then a sexual thing. I don't understand this either. He claims all the great things I said about him he knew weren't true because of what he was doing so my words didn't make him feel good.

Does any of this make sense? I broke a dish this morning for the fist time in my lifeon purpose. I threw it, he made me toast because I can't eat and I got so angry I threw it. I feel I am losing it and I don't know what to do.


Me(32)- BW
Him(36)-WH Evilgeek
1st Dday 11/20/09
2nd Dday 11/20/10
Successfully R`ed.
Found out we are Pregnant 12/6/2010

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln


Posts: 568 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: California
rugsatwork
♀ Member
Member # 29057
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time in this forum. Other SI members suggested I come here.

My topis today is about FRESH FLESH.

My WH is/was a womanizer. Won the "greatest lover" award for his frat in college two years in a row...BFD. He was 25 then not 56.

I asked WH this morning if he missed the fresh flesh, younger flesh, from his behavior prior to my discovery of his secret life?

He claims only one let to acutal physical sex, the "other examples" said he did the "catch and release".

We cannot get it up to have sex with me unless it is a 60 poke and run.

So today when he cannot get it up again, no this time he went soft during intercourse, I asked him what is the deal?

You tell me that you had OW because we were not having sex at home enough for you? So now we do, and you cannot perform. What is up with this?

So I say he misses his hunt, the fresh flesh and cannot be manogomous with me and still enjoy.

WH dick does not lie!


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MN
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenk and rugs...
SA is an intimacy disorder!

First and foremost--that is the crux of the problem. I know that my SAWS is still attracted to me, but he has major ED problems with me too. More than anything, I think it is the intimacy that scares the crap out of him. If he can get me to dress up like porn--he can fixate on that & not feel the intimacy so much. I will not participate in that.

For my WS--the less real, honest intimacy, the better when it comes to sex. He would really rather have solo sex with videos and internet porn than anything. If real women are involved (as in actual infidelity) he has to tel a bunch of lies to them about himself and project a very false image. That keeps him in control and the real intimacy as a very low level.

SA's believe that they are bad defective people & that no one would love them if they were totally honest about themselves.

For YEARS, I heard my H say things like "why did you even pick me anyway?" Why do you even keep me around"? I thought he was just being all childish "poor me" and fishing for external validation. Turns out it was even more--he had big secrets that didn't jive with the image he projected to the rest of the world.



Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
brokenk
♀ Member
Member # 30193
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal,
SA's believe that they are bad defective people & that no one would love them if they were totally honest about themselves.

For YEARS, I heard my H say things like "why did you even pick me anyway?" Why do you even keep me around"? I thought he was just being all childish "poor me" and fishing for external validation. Turns out it was even more--he had big secrets that didn't jive with the image he projected to the rest of the world.


Wow you hit my WH right on the head with that one. I get so upset with his woe is me routine, I didn't even realize it was part of his problem. But then I find myself getting stuck, on one hand I want to tell him he is worthy but on the other from his behavior he isn't showing me he is worthy he is showing me he's worthless. I don't know how to support him right now.


Me(32)- BW
Him(36)-WH Evilgeek
1st Dday 11/20/09
2nd Dday 11/20/10
Successfully R`ed.
Found out we are Pregnant 12/6/2010

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln


Posts: 568 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: California
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's the Gingerbread Man

I like watching that show about geneology called "Who Do You Think You Are".

Last week, the actress Kim Catrall was on the show. She wanted to solve a family mystery about her grandfather who had dissappeared when her mom & aunties were small. The abandonment was still felt and the pain was still fresh. Those women, as children, had suffered in great poverty when their father dissappeared.

This made me think about a time when my SAWS was going through a phase when he wanted to become a writer. He started writing Chapter 1 many times. It was always the same theme. A man sits in a smoky bar near an airport/train station/sea port. He's about to buy a ticket to anywhere but where he is. It is hinted that he is escaping the responsibilities of family/marraige/job...but the running away is romantisized. In fact, he is rewarded by meeting a woman in the bar and they have casual sex. The man then gets on an plane/train/ship to an unknown destination.

OK...this has got to be the ultimate SA escapist fantasy. It says alot about my SAWS. He fantasizes about being the Gingerbread Man.

In the back of my mind, I have always wondered if he would be one of those guys that goes out for ciggs one night & is never heard from again.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokek, I don't feel it is my role at this point to support my SAWS. My job is to process the trauma and heal MYSELF.

It's a bottom line for me that my WS attend meetings. I can't afford to live on my own right now--but if he's not willing to do that...he's no more than a roommate with his own room. I am just not willing to be in a marraige relationship with him unless he's getting help. That help needs to come from others--not from me. If we could afford counseling with a specialist, that would be even better, but that's just not going to happen for awhile.

My WS started going back to meetings. We have at least started talking a little again. I don't think he's a bad or worthless person, but I think he has a serious problem. He's got a lot of work to do and for now--I don't trust him. Addiction spawns lies and I'm done listening to lies.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
stardust
♀ Member
Member # 20223
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenk, this is my first time posting here, I read it everyday but had not joined in until now. You are thinking exactly like I did, I am more then pretty, and I know this but my sawh choices in women leave me wondering if I'm what he likes. The answer to this for why wh is interested in ugly desperate, fat women, is simple, they were easy, and he felt superior to them, he told me he felt power knowing he was the best they ever had.

He had a limited amount of time and these ow were there asap and willing to fuck in a car, he also said they were eager to please.

It is hard to wrap our head around but it really has nothing to do with us, or really the ow either! Hugs to you!

[This message edited by stardust at 11:07 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me Bw Multiple D day's
Him WH Multiple false R's
5 children, mine, his, and ours, daughter not well, had her spinal chord punctured. Trying to heal her, myself and our family from this tragedy, don't you
love my wh's contribution?

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