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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. No 2x4s from me. Nope.

I'm so sorry. So sorry.

You're not stupid. You're human and you're in a terrible position.

I posted on your thread in General.

Basically, you have to be sure you're 100% on being done. Not 99%. 100%. If you're not you really, really, really need to figure out what you want and how to move forward.

If you're done, that's fine but you can't waffle.

If you're not quite done... you need a SOLID plan for 180 with concrete boundaries and consequences. He has to step up to the plate and do the work. If he won't do it you've got to be willing to let him go.

I'm here for you. PM me. Post here. I'll help all I can.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau: If we lived closer, we could help each other with the house situation. Many times I have thought I would be much happier having a female housemate than living with my husband.

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the first time in many months, my WS and I had an actual conversation beyond the superficial day-to-day stuff. I initiated it. I was calm & rational.

WS bounced all over the place. He wanted me to give him credit that he is trying to be "transparent". He defines that to mean he doesn't spend much time away from home, calls me if he's running late, etc.

He has no idea the extent that differs from what we tend to call transparancy on SI: passwords to everything, volunteering information, and stuff like that.

He says he's not going to SA meetings because of his work schedule. That is true. He still doesn't claim "SA" but said he was "getting something out of the meetings".

When I asked what his plan was to get help & to work on our relationship--he talked about doing things around the house.

He had a list of resentments about my "transgressions". "Seriously we're talking about piddly stuff or non-existant stuff.

When I keep coming back to the subject of what is his plan to get help and to work on our relationship--he got all blustery about how nothing will work because I won't change and nothing will change--blah, blah, blah.

He asks how I am meeting him 1/2 way? I don't even have a clue what he means. He comes home from work & goes straight to his man cave & doesn't talk to me. I don't think he's acting out right now with the SA, but the self-centered, self-pity, resentful thinking is still full-blown.

He claims to want a relationship, but doesn't want to do the work of healing. He claims to want a relationship, but doesn't want to work on intimacy. I think he wants me to reward him for still being here. I know he wants sex, but I just....can't....under the circumstances.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I keep coming back to the subject of what is his plan to get help and to work on our relationship--he got all blustery about how nothing will work because I won't change and nothing will change--blah, blah, blah.

Tal, are we with the same man here??? He's been doing the exact same thing to me all along. And "working on the relationship" to him means working on the house.

This is so crazy. I need to wake up from this horrible sick nightmare.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nouveau))) I'm so sorry you are back in this awful place. I read the thread in general. I also remember you posting a few months or so back when you were trying to find the secret computer.

Take some deep breaths, give yourself some time to process this. As horrible as it is, I bet in some ways there must be a little relief to finally have proof. The doubting your sanity just isn't any fun. So now you have the truth, you just need to figure out what you're going to do with it.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, Nouveau I'll probably find a secret computer or something like that too.

Chances are that my WS didn't go cold turkey either. From what I know--the porn addiction has been going on for 40 years or so--and may even be the only successful long-term relationship he's ever had.

The usage escalated over the past few years, along with starting to use "dating sites" and eventually meeting up with at least one woman.

He SAYS nothing is going on anymore because he learned his lesson. Even though I'm not seeing anything innappropriate on computer usage, I don't believe that.

It just makes no sense based on what I know of addiction. Even if he IS white-knuckling it right now and just acting like a "dry drunk", he's not going to get better on his own. As long as he continues to blame me instead of focusing on fixing himself--I believe that full-blown relapse is inevitable. So yeah--sooner or later, I'm sure I'll find out there's a secret computer and more.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what we have to try and remember is that if an SA is going to act out, they are going to act out. Secret computer or not. I haven't found any computer porn in maybe 3 years and I honestly don't think my H would put the effort into a secret computer. But for the last year before my lastest dday, I knew something was wrong.

My H doesn't go through a sexual anorexia stage - but he totally checks out when he is acting out. I start to feel like a blow up doll or something. So *I* start avoiding it. Tension starts to rise. Any non-sexual intimacy goes away. I find myself asking him more and more often "are you cheating again"? My gut can be screaming at me but I try to silence it. I start the self-doubt - "maybe there is something wrong with my sex drive, maybe I'm a prude, etc".

Well ladies, there was no secret computer but he was sneaking DVDs into the house. It doesn't work out all that often that the kids and I are gone and he is here by himself, but he would have DVDs ready, hidden, for the minute we walked out the door.

And we can't forget that the porn they have already watched is stored in their brains for later use.

My point is - we ALL need to remember that our gut is way more important than proof. There comes a point where you just need to trust yourself. I know, easier said than done, but I sure wish I had done it a year ago.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
chocobcm
♀ Member
Member # 30156
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my SA H is attending SA meetings seriously,totally obsessed with his white bible, and seeing MC/IC religiously, what are the chances of a relapse happening? I don't think I can survive one.


Me: 24 BS
Him: 25 WS Multiple OEA/Multiple Phone relationships.

M: 6yrs

D-day 11/14/10 (found 5 years worth of emails/chats etc.)


Posts: 75 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: NY
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone, please post examples of consequences you can implement and enforce while still living in the same home. This will be a good exercise for everyone.

Getting back to 7's challenge: I made a huge mistake of not setting definite boundaries way back when. To demand he see a CSAT or go to SA meetings is not viable, as there is nothing here in our area that comes close to either.

However, I did start to enforce a boundary not too long ago. My H loves to kiss; deep loving kisses, not necessarily passionate, sexual ones. I told him I will no longer kiss him while he is still acting out. He didn't argue to try and lie about it. He still looks at porn; I know it and he knows I know. He does miss the kissing, but probably not enough to stop.

So I go on putting one foot in front of the other. I am working very hard on paying my debts down so if and when I leave, I will feel financially stable.

If he EVER has sex with another person, like 7, it's an immediate divorce, no questions asked. That's a given.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, not sure what all to write. I've just recently caught my SAWH cheating again with a prostitute. He says two times, this January. He also was with another woman, a skank. I'm not sure how much I think went on there, but the prostitute is enough of a problem.

At any rate, these things are not acceptable. I confronted him "with love" as my CSAT put it. I let him know that I knew, and that the only way for us to continue to try to reconcile was if he would confess. Our MC helped him to see that as well. I told him I would try to forgive him and that I loved him, but the choice was his. I could no longer live with the lies. (He'd been lying for three months.) He decided to tell me what he'd done, and immediately offered to send me the secret computer, cell phone, account names and passwords. Since then, he's been doing things I wished he'd done on the original Dday. He's like night and day, compared to how he was. Remorseful, comforting, open, kind, supportive. Before he started off blaming me, gaslighting, lying, trickle truthing, being distant, cold.

I've been ok. I'm wondering if the knowing he was lying was worse than the latest transgression. I think, really, that I'm still numb to what he's done. The pain is great, and I've only been in touch with it twice so far.

A consequence of his actions is that I will have the post-nup agreement. I've said all along that it was coming, and now the retainer's been signed. I'm not sure what this will do to our relationship, but it is not optional.

Another thing that isn't optional is that he is to see a CSAT. He called and made the appointment and sees him soon.

Advice, comments, 2 X 4's, support are all welcome. I am truly taking this one day at a time, and listening to myself about what I will do. I'm so grateful for all of you here at SI. You've saved my life!


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And we can't forget that the porn they have already watched is stored in their brains for later use

I cannot tell you how much I HATE this fact. We had to stop being intimate the other morning because all I could wonder was what was going on in his mind at the moment. He promises it's all me...but, I have to wonder.


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my SA H is attending SA meetings seriously,totally obsessed with his white bible, and seeing MC/IC religiously, what are the chances of a relapse happening? I don't think I can survive one.

I feel the same way - if he acts out with someone (not porn), I'm outta here!


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented - I truly wish I had words that would wrap around you like a comforting hug. I'm so sorry that you're going through this again.

I'm so proud of you for sticking by your consequence of the post-nup.

Hugs


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Compart,
From an SA FWH...butt for way too many years know you are completely doing the right thing. It took me way too many ddays and knowing my BW was serious about leaving to get the help that I needed all along and never admitted to myself or anyone. Keep strong
G


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone know of any CSA counselors in the Long Island NY area? I tried looking some up but they are mostly in NYC which is an hour away from us.
I also read they should have a rating of at least 3 and the 2 I found on Long Island only were rated a 1.

I am not sure if my H is a SA but I am suspecting it at this point.

I mentioned it to him and asked if he thought he could be and he said he thought so too...so that is my answer as far as I am concerned.

He is seeing an IC but not sure if this guy has any great experience with this type of thing. I will be giving him a call and letting him know what I know.

thanks for any info/help


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Compartmented))) I wish I had something to offer you that would be of more help than cyber hugs, but I'm afraid that's all I've got.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Concerned  Posted: 8:24 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Compartmented)) I wish I could do/say more from out here in cyberspace. Make sure you practice self-care. Come & Post often.


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for all of your replies. They help tons. I was thinking of this forum when I was out today , and it made me feel less lonely.

I'm lonesome tonight and feeling sorry for myself. SOOOO happy to read your posts just now!!!


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

chocobcm
If my SA H is attending SA meetings seriously,totally obsessed with his white bible, and seeing MC/IC religiously, what are the chances of a relapse happening? I don't think I can survive one.

Going to meetings is great. Is his IC as CSAT? It should be if at all possible.

SA has a very high recidivism rate, it is a bitch of an addiction. Some say it's worse than heroin addiction. Odds? I can't give you odds. I can tell you that if he is working his recovery and you are working yours there is hope.

It also depends on what you consider a relapse. There are many layers to acting out and sometimes they "slip." A slip will require them to reset their sobriety date and give up any chips they have earned. A slip can be as simple as masturbating once. It depends on his recovery, and how he defines sobriety.

Here's the thing. You have to focus on YOU and your recovery. You need to be going to IC religiously. You need to be reading the books. His recovery is his own, yours is yours. If you work your recovery you'll be fine no matter what HE does.

Take care of you.

Compartmented

I'm sorry. I am proud of you for following through! Let's hope he's hit rock bottom and there's nowhere to go but up now. Hang in there.

Cheetabump

the 2 I found on Long Island only were rated a 1

If that is what is available that is what is available. ANY CSAT is better than no CSAT at all. One thing you could do is look for someone who is a CSAT-S (that means supervisor) and have your H call and ask them for help in locating a CSAT closer to you that is further along in the training. It really should be your H who does the research and sets up the appointments. He has to own this. You are not his mother. He needs to do this. It's fine to give him the info, like direct him to the website (www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm) but he needs to take the lead and make the necessary calls.

7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 11:52 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what? I've realized why I never enforce my boundaries. Sometimes it is just as unpleasant for me as it is my H.

I caught him in a "little" lie last night. Not right away, but he was telling me about something he did (wave to a girl he finds attractive) and that he felt bad about it. After I had a minute for it to sink in, I realized he had minimized it in the telling. From his story, it was obvious after I thought about it that it wasn't a casual wave, he was looking for her.

So I told him a bit later that I had realized he minimized the story. He denied it. It was a very non-confrontational, matter of fact thing. I said "I know you are lying to me right now, so we can't continue this conversation".

So the consequence was that we didn't spend the first 5 minutes after we went to bed snuggling like we ususally do. I just rolled over to go to sleep. He was shocked at first, but I told him he doesn't get to snuggle up to me right after lying to me. No arguement or anything, I was just very matter of fact.

AND I THINK IT WAS JUST AS HARD ON ME AS IT WAS ON HIM!!! I felt like I was being mean and I missed my snuggling, darn it! Why is this such hard work? ~Sigh~


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
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