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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
Hit_By_A_Hammer
♀ Member
Member # 30849
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read many of the sites you suggested, and had a first skim read of the Patrick Carnes book, too.

I think my other half doesn't qualify - none of the 4 core beliefs really seem to apply, he wasn't abused, got on very well with his Dad, but was a bit distant from his Mum.

Thanks for all your help, much appreciated.


BS (me) 33, WH 33,1 son aged 5
OW 1 - sex twice, autumn 2000
OW 2 - not quite sex, Nov 2000
OW 3 - sex 4 times, c. 2003
OW 4 - sex on holiday, 2006, again, 2007
OW 5 - brief sexual relationship, 2008
OW 6 - sex once, c.2008
OW 7 - sex x 2, 2009/10

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jan 2011
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish you the best Hit_By_A_Hammer. Just keep your eyes and ears open. I had no idea that the 4 Core Beliefs applied to my rSA until after he got into recovery and told me he felt that way. SAs are experts at hiding their real feelings. Intimacy disorder.

I hope your WH can change his ways.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Hit_By_A_Hammer
♀ Member
Member # 30849
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, I'll keep an open mind.


BS (me) 33, WH 33,1 son aged 5
OW 1 - sex twice, autumn 2000
OW 2 - not quite sex, Nov 2000
OW 3 - sex 4 times, c. 2003
OW 4 - sex on holiday, 2006, again, 2007
OW 5 - brief sexual relationship, 2008
OW 6 - sex once, c.2008
OW 7 - sex x 2, 2009/10

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jan 2011
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this thread could use a little shot of good news. My H made an appt with a CSAT all on his own. I didn't find the name for him, or look up the number, or set up the appt or anything.

Whoo-hooo!!!!


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Cool  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way Cool Dazed....as for 7 and HBAH the core beliefs hummm you would be surprised...read my profile if you dare then take it from me that my BW nor anyone else would have known that those were my beliefs...sadly nor did I...2 years of sobriety...2 years of CSAT..a great sponsor and lots of meetings later I can tell you they do apply. I see the world very differently now and thank GOD I do...

[This message edited by mitehvblonitpa at 10:54 AM, January 21st (Friday)]


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Sad  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shameless plea for hugs & mojo to survive the weekend.

Not doing very well. Came within a hair of checking myself into the psych ER last night. I reached out to some GFs & had a nice dinner with them & DD19. SAWH has ramped up the emotional warfare again (as I expected) this time using DS15 as the catalyst, Wed. 19th was 1st antiversary of DDay #1, Thurs. (yesterday) WH & I had a joint session at his IC. I've a mild type of dissociation & I fell into it big time as soon as I went into the IC's office. I won't participate in any joint counseling with SAWH any time soon. Even then, my IC has to be there also.

OTOH- I started the job training class this week, I went to a separation & divorce seminar this week, I'm managing to hold onto myself despite yesterday's trauma. Reaching out for help is a positive step. If I can make it until Sunday night S-Anon or Monday class time (10 am) I'll be ok.

I feel like such a weak & whiny excuse for a woman. All I really want is to survive until & get a job and/or the end of the school year (late June).

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
ifeeldeadinside
♀ New Member
Member # 30833
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I psoted here a few days back wondering whether my WH was a SA or not.

Well, I think I found my answer two nights ago. I started quizzing him about his past activities (wanted to see if his stories still matched) and began asking about his web camera/chat/email activities in far more detail than I ever had; mostly I've only concentrated on the PAs.

By his estimate, he would guess that he has participated in sex acts with others via webcam 50 times; IMing/chat sex acts another 50 times. By email, he's gotten sexual and emotional fixes from about 30 different partners. Add that this to the PAs, we're talking about 150 different acts of betrayal.

He was floored by this. Said he had thought about them in his mind but putting them together and saying numbers out loud... it seemed to give them substance that they had been lacking.

He actually admitted for the first time that he may be a SA.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 38
Kids: 9 and 6
DD: 3/19/09-5/18/09,

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2011
Here.I.am
♀ Member
Member # 29772
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sabina)))
We are here for you. I'm sorry your having such a hard time right now. Try to look towards the future, you are doing everything you need to do. Getting help, seeking support, job training classes... this doesn't sound like a "weak and whinny excuse for a woman". This sounds like a strong woman looking to move on with her life and better her situation. You are my motivation even if u don't feel like it. Ill be sending you strength and mojo all day. Take care of yourself. When you feel you're at your lowest just remember it can only get better.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Oct 2010
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dazd - Hooray for your SAWH!! Any idea what opened his eyes?

Sabina-Will a cyber hug do? I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this crap. Hang in there - and you are NOT weak or whiney!!!


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll add some good news too

SAWH & I saw his CSAT yesterday. I think he's just great! He's the "man around town" according to the women in COSA but I was nervous going in because one lady had a bad experience with him because she kept asking questions and CSAT finally said, this is about the SA, not you. But, it turns out, he's one smart cookie. He also worked under Carnes for awhile once he decided to focus on SA vs AA.

So, it was a very informative and positive experience!


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Content  Posted: 1:04 PM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs & support. I'm doing much better today. It was a rough week. Probably one of the more difficult ones in the last several weeks. This morning I managed to enforce my boundary & offer SAWH comfort in a way he can accept & that I'm comfortable offering. So that was a win all around.

FmrLIer- Glad the CSAT was a positive experience. I like mine too.

((ifeeldeadinside)) That's certainly a lot to try & process.

((HIA)) Take good care of your baby-to-be!

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silly question -

I have a varied group of women in my COSA group and their ages range quite a bit. For once I'm the "young" one aside from another newbie who is probably about 5 years younger.

Anyway, I shared my experience about checking his "secret" email account and finding an email from OW. I also shared that I knew what I was doing by checking the emails was unhealthy but I don't check them the way I used to. I was checking them hourly, then a few times a day and then once a day and now I've gone several days without checking and was feeling pretty damn proud about my progress in this particular area.

Once I was done sharing, one lady was beginning to share her experience which is identical to mine BTW - but before she got started, the lady sitting next to me, who is about twenty years my senior, shook her head and said "Hyper vigilant" in a really snarky way. I looked at her in confusion because I recognize my behavior and I'm working on eliminating it, so, for her to be so negative pretty much pissed me off.

Am I just being sensitive because I know I'm screwing up by checking the email, or because I'm not getting the kudos for being better about it. And, for that matter, why do I care what she thinks?

Anyone???


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Suspicious  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi FmrLIer- I my S-Anon meeting that's called crosstalk & is expressly forbidden. Unfortunately, one of my group therapy GFs went to a COSA meeting during which things like that were said frequently. It's so so important to have a safe place to talk, maybe consider finding another meeting that is well run. There should never be crosstalk like that. It's unhealthy & unhelpful & plain old RUDE!

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is called cross-talk. Some meetings allow it but most don't.

Here's my thoughts on the subject: I have PTSD, and I KNOW that compulsive behavior like checking email every hour or so is a result of that. However, I don't particularly want someone to interject that after I share in a meeting.

All -Anon are full of codependants. Some codies are of the "been a doormat so long I have lint on my back" variety who is ultra-sensitive. Many codies have a strong streak of being overly helpful, controlling, dominating, judmental, know-it-alls.

When push comes to shove, I'd rather be a codie in recovery with other codies (all of us wars & all) than an untreated codie. I expect that occassionally others in my group may act out from time-to-time. Probabaly I will too.

If this particular member does the same thing repeatedly, I might mention it to her outside of a meeting. If it continues, I might ask for a group conscience on cross-talk. I hope you will not let one person's comment put you off from meetings. She was probably just trying to be helpful (in a codie kind of way).


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both! I felt it was rude too but then I thought I was being "hyper" sensitive. LOL

Okay, so, that's cross talk. I thought cross talk was when someone finished sharing and then another member responded with an answer vs. a similar share. I hope that makes sense. I guess to me, I thought it was a way to avoid conversations.

Then again, if I think back to the meeting, I think she was in a pissy mood anyway because we are off a schedule they were trying to keep beginning the new year.

But, Tal,you bring up a great point - we're all effect in different ways and we will all react in different ways. And, if it continues, I'll talk to one of long time members.

On a funny side note - she laughed about something and she was the only one left laughing and then she farted - ok - juvenile I know, but hey, I find humor where I can.

Oh - Tal - one more thing - I'm glad I'm not the only one checking the stupid emails. I've got PTSD too, in fact, I relate to that more than I do codep.


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm one that disagrees with the "STOP CHECKING UP ON HIM THIS VERY MINUTE AND NEVER EVER DO IT AGAIN" school of thought.

I believe it's a process. We all start out hypervigilant and we all taper off ... UNLESS our addict is NOT in recovery and is STILL ACTING OUT. At that point it's not hypervigilant, it's self preservation.

And with that there does come a point where you don't need to check anymore because you KNOW he's not sober and he's not likely to become so.

I will point these things out to others. I will point out that as long as he's working a program you need to taper off your checking and that really it begins to happen naturally when it doesn't pay off (ie you don't find anything several times in a row).

And I will point out to those who are compulsively checking up on an active SA. What is this doing for you? Are you pain mining? You KNOW he's not sober. You KNOW that all this checking is bad for you. It's time to stop check up and work on your recovery.

So, yeah, what you describe, Fmr, is the natural tapering off and I think that's fine and healthy. You'll get there. Don't let Miss Snarky McSnarkerson get you down.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all start out hypervigilant and we all taper off ... UNLESS our addict is NOT in recovery and is STILL ACTING OUT. At that point it's not hypervigilant, it's self preservation.

Yeah, I'm glad to read this distinction!!

And I will point out to those who are compulsively checking up on an active SA. What is this doing for you? Are you pain mining? You KNOW he's not sober. You KNOW that all this checking is bad for you. It's time to stop check up and work on your recovery.

I'm definitely working on my recovery. And it's helping. The more I learn about my recovery path, the better I feel about it working for me. The more I realize working my plan works, the easier it is to do it. It's funny how well it works (self care) now. A year ago I would have thought "no way!" about so many of the things I do.

I believe my SA (he doesn't think he is) is acting out. I am making my plans accordingly. I had a rough time with the discovery of this. I cried and cried and cried, but now I am doing ok. I will do what I have to do to protect myself. This is hard. What a nightmare.

Thanks so much for being here and posting, all of you. You help me more than you can know.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 has a good point. Depending on timing and circumstances, it can be hyper-vigillence and it can be self-preservation. It can also become an excersize in pointlessness if the SA is still acting out and you know it so why bother confirming what you already know.

I think PTSD is a big factor in recovery for us.

Fmr, intejecting comments AND sharing in a way that is commenting on someone else's sharing are both considered crosstalk in a meeting. This whole thread would be considered cross-talk in that context, but I also appreciate the feedback we give each other here.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
alexa071
♂ Member
Member # 28881
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry all... I'm kind of just jumping in here but I just read this:

*A pattern of compulsive behavior he is unable to stop.
*A history of abuse (but not always, my rSA was not abused.)
*Too enmeshed with mother. (but not always)
*Distant or detached or absent father. (but not always)

My WW has 3/4 of these going on (No abuse that I know of) and I was wondering where this information came from so I can to some research.

Thanks,

Alexa


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all! First post for me.

Anyone here have a WS who is a cross dresser? If yes, I would love to discuss this aspect specifically. Maybe you can PM me. Thanks!


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
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