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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
unicornsearcher
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Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 12:23 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.addiction-help.org/Laaser/dl1.html

Characteristics of Sexual Addiction

An excerpt from the book:
"The Secret Sin: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction"
Mark R. Laaser, Ph. D.

Introduction

While sexual addicts will attempt to conceal their behavior, they usually exhibit some readily observable symptoms. People who live, work, or worship with a sex addict might notice these symptoms.

As you read through these symptoms, be careful when you use them to judge the behavior of others. Some of these symptoms might indicate other addictions or emotional problems.

If you see someone exhibiting these symptoms, that person may need help and probably doesn't have the strength or tools to be able to ask for it.

Symptoms Here is a brief list of observable symptoms:

1. Preoccupation with sexual behaviors

2. Escalating patterns of sexual activity

3. Acting distant or withdrawn

4. Depression & mood swings

5. Irritability

6. Abuse of self or others

7. Resistance to supervision or criticism

8. Use of sexual humor

9. Inappropriate sexual behavior & overt sexual advances

10. Occupational, social, family, professional, & legal difficulties

11. Intuition

12. Direct evidence


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome DTaC. It does sound like you have been through a lot throughout your M.

Sabina - I do think it would be wise to remain cautious, but it does sound like your H is making progress. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Uni - you have really gathered some amazing information over the years. Thanks so much for sharing!

My update - I actually think my H is starting to make progress. I am still in "wait and see mode", but I do see some signs. He is starting to share little bits and pieces without my prompting, things I would have no way of knowing about. Yay! I also very hesitantly asked him if we could do a 30 day abstince contract. He totally shocked me by saying let's do 90 days! Again, whoo-hoo. Today is only day 4 so I am watching for withdrawl symptoms still, which I am sure will come, but so far things are going well. He even identified, on his own, some things he was doing for a sexual "fix" (such as extended embraces rather than a quick hug) and recommended himself that we limit our physical contact in general during the 90 days. We are working on ways to maintain the physical contact which I think we both need but to do it in non-sexual ways, such as hand holding and just snuggling on the couch. He has even been researching CSATs on his own. Cross your fingers for me that he finds the courage to actually call one!

I am stuck up in the blizzard in the Northeast but still have to go to work today. Yuck. Wishing everyone lots of healing and peace today.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartment - you have PM

Welcome DTaC. Sorry you share the need to be here but you'll find a lot of information here and it's a great place to vent when you need to.

Sabina and Dazd - I'm so glad things are going well for you both. You deserve it


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FmrLIer,

Thank you for the PM. I really appreciate it.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
cafeaulait
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Member # 29173
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DTaC - Welcome!

now I'm writing my story. So the question remains, even if he were the perfect husband, do I want to stay? Right now the answer is no. But then, why do I feel bad when I think of taking my children away from their father?
I had a dream a couple nights ago, that it was next Christmas morning, and I had a new husband (it was a friend of mine), and everyone was happy. Kids opening presents, everyone in their pajamas, it was a freaking hallmark moment.And I woke up feeling horribly guilty.

I don't know how to feel or what to do. I just know that I want me back, and I want to do the right thing.

If you haven't considered it yet....you should seek out an Individual Counselor (IC) for yourself...specifically a CSAT if you can find one in your area. Your H, should see a CSAT to work on his stuff too. I don't think (my opinion only) that Marriage Counseling will help you very much at the point you are at now. You read like you are in a numb state - and not even truly sure you really want to salvage your marriage ~ and you already know that your H is adept at manipulating the conversation with the MC.
You do not have to feel guilty about detaching from him. You have had many, many years of living with the damage caused by SA. It can erode away at your entire concept of self. I, too, blocked out - or disassociated- a lot of the bad behavior throughout the years. It's a defense mechanism - and scary as all hell. Focus on you (and your little ones) right now. A good IC can help you heal and make peace with your decisions - whether or not you decide to stay in your relationship.

[This message edited by cafeaulait at 9:10 AM, January 13th (Thursday)]


Me- BS 40
Him- WH 45 - SA
DD1 - 4/3/09 DD2 - 7/15/10 DD3 - 8/10/10 The truth and details of his Sexual Addiction
Married 16 years 1 child - 16y.o.
Reconciled and working recovery

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2010
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Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTaC,

When I asked my CSAT what I could do to heal myself, one of the first things she said was to journal my dreams.

I had a dream a couple nights ago, that it was next Christmas morning, and I had a new husband (it was a friend of mine), and everyone was happy. Kids opening presents, everyone in their pajamas, it was a freaking hallmark moment.And I woke up feeling horribly guilty.

Only you will know their meaning. Keep listening to them.

{{{{DTaC}}}}


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
OptimisticMe
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Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm New to this thread

Is there such a thing as a mild SA or porn addiction? WH used to watch porn 3-4x/wk and has had 4 affairs. He doesn't seem consumed by these issues but has the classic symptoms of irritability, no sex with me, etc. It seems to be more the thrill of the chase and feeling desired than actual sex acts themselves.

Sex used to be a rare occurence (2x/mo). After last dday and reconciling, it is much more frequent and seems more like making love than banging lol. Is this a sign he is improving? I still initiate a lot but he is more willing and initiates some now, too. What is the reasoning behind a period of abstinence?

One thing that really bothered me was WH joined a teen chat room. He says he was bored and needed someone to talk to I see that as denial his SA was becoming more risky. Is this a bad sign that he is not owning his shit? He wants to work on recovery on his own. He is doing well-not watching porn, being completely transparent, vowed to give up masterbation...but is it ok to let him try on his own? I think he is embarrassed and doesn't like the SA label. When I suggest counseling he says I don't believe in him. I just want him to get all the help he needs. He isn't even proactive in reading unless I put the book in front of him and ask him to read it.

What books on SA would you recommend for him and for me? Any tips? Is this really a life long battle? He seems so much better now, is it just an act?


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
FmrLIer
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Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome OptimisticMe (love the name BTW) - I'm taking this from one of the long time members here 7yearsbetrayed -

****
List of resources for Spouses/Partners of SA
This is the advice and list of resources I give to all members newly dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. This is all good advice even if you don't stay together. If you don't educate yourself about SA and codependency you're very likely to end up with another addict partner.

~~
Educate yourself about sexual addiction.
First and foremost you should read these books:

"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes.

"Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD

and

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
~~~~
His best hope for recovery is for him to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

You might also want to start on that website to find a good therapist for yourself. He has to work his recovery on his own and even if he doesn't get help you'll need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. And believe me, it IS a trauma. You need to find counselors who are experts on SA otherwise you're in for a world of confusion and pain. (This is my opinion based on experience)
~~~~
Online resources:
http://www.sexhelp.com
This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org
Sexaholics Anonymous
If your husband faces his sex addiction and seeks treatment he'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.)

http://www.recoverynation.com is an excellent online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.)

http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on what they call "porn addiction" however, there is no such thing, it is ALL sex addiction. The info on their site is so good that I still recommend it with the explanation that "porn" addiction is in fact "sex" addiction.
~~~~
To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn't face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want. I don't advise women to stay with SAs who are not in recovery and who are not sober.

I recommend for the partner (in addition to the 3 above):

"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and the others, but not before.)

For the SA:
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes
(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your husband to start if he's willing to face his addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart")

Most SAs have a serious porn habit, this book "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy, would be a good book for the SA. Mr. Leahy is a recovering sex addict who had a serious porn addiction that cost him pretty much everything before he finally hit bottom. (I don't recommend that wives read this book at first. It's too triggery for "just found outs")

***

I can safely say that if it wasn't for 7, I'd still be oblivious to my WH's SA. She helped opened my eyes to the fact that there is no such thing as "SA lite". My SAWH's acting out was through porn initially, grew into cybering, escalated into PA's and then he thought he may have a problem. When he thought he had a problem, he kept it to himself and tried to go it alone, but he kept slipping back to porn/MB.

I think the real eye opener for me was when 7 told me that while he may not be looking at porn, he might be white knuckling it, but that it could be that I just didn't know it because he had gotten better at hiding it. It was then that I allowed myself to trust my gut and DDay 2 & 3 happened.

Also, SAWH & I could count the number of times we were intimate a year on our hands, not good. Thankfully, things are improving now that he's doing Candeo, seeing a CSAT, attending MC and seeing an IC and going to SAA.

But, I know that we are just beginning our journey.


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
SabinatheOwl
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Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome OptmisticMe & hugs. FmrLIer has given you a great list of resources compiled by a long term member. I hope you can find the time to get the books & look at the sites, the knowledge you'll gain will be worth your time. I highly recommend a CSAT for you & one for him if they're in your area. If you can't find one, go to an addictions specialist. When an SA says stuff like "it you'd just believe (or fill in the blank with anything else) in me more I'd be fine" that's emotional manipulation. If you want counseling go. Never mind what his opinion is. With an SA the very best thing you can do is work on self care & detachment & seeing a therapist regularly. You can only control you. His acceptance of his diagnosis, his chosen course of sobriety, recovery, etc. is all up to him.

Infidelity is hard, diagnosis of SA makes things that much harder. Come to SI often & post as much as you need to. Take good care of yourself.

Welcome to the club none of us wanted to join. You're not alone.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
OptimisticMe
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Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for the information and the quick responses. I will buy the recommended books!

One thing that I keep struggling with is that WH and I were never very close. He says he always wanted to be close to me, but he was flat out mean to me and that didn't harbor closeness. But within 3 weeks of meeting OW#3, he developed a close friendship with her that turned into sex. I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that in weeks he became closer to another woman than he was to me after years. He says he always wanted to be close to me but it didn't happen. He was always hiding his porn use. The only thing I can tell myself to make me feel better is he subconsiously had to keep me at a distance to enable him to cover up what he was doing. If he was close to me he wouldn't have been able to hide it. And maybe he could get close to a stranger because it was easier to hide it from her? Could I be right?

OW#4 was just sex so that is easier to understand. However, he would have text sex with her. When I tried to send him racy texts, I never got much response.

I feel like I have been deprived for the 7 years of our relationship. Once it all came out in the open, we have become much closer. Perhaps because he isn't hiding things from me anymore? I feel like I was a naive, innocent little girl that got taken advantage of. And how does a "wait till marriage" girl get paired with a SA???? God's sick sense of humor??????

He has read "Every Man's Battle" which pretty much says to grow up and be a man and stop looking at other women. So he cut porn use off cold turkey. Do you think this is an ok approach? How do I know if he is white knuckling it? He says he isn't struggling.

I like to be flirty with him. Is this still ok to do?

We have had two marriage counselors that only made matters worse, so we are both scared to start counseling again. Is it possible he could recover via self help books? I think he was in fairly early stages of the addiction and it hadn't progressed to controlling his life too much...just enough to have 4 affairs and no impulse control.

Any ideas into our situation are greatly appreciated! I would like some feedback since the books won't arrive for a while.


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
cafeaulait
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Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the reasoning behind a period of abstinence?

The 90 day Abstinence is like a detox period for the addict.

Here is a really great post from 7years on SI that goes into detail about the abstinence contract:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=382366

I am sure it can be different for many people - but the 90 days made a HUGE difference in my SA husband. He believes it is one of the most important things he has done so far in his recovery. He did have some withdrawal in the beginning...but having resources and contacts from his SAA meetings meant he could reach out for help when it was feeling bad for him. He says he feels his brain is 'less jumbled' and reprogrammed.


Me- BS 40
Him- WH 45 - SA
DD1 - 4/3/09 DD2 - 7/15/10 DD3 - 8/10/10 The truth and details of his Sexual Addiction
Married 16 years 1 child - 16y.o.
Reconciled and working recovery

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2010
cafeaulait
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Member # 29173
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OptimisticMe :
I think it would be unrealistic to think your SAH could quit cold turkey and be 'cured' on his own. I don't believe any of our partners acted out with malicious intent to hurt us...
I know after my Husband confessed to having an affair - that he was honest when he swore it would never happen again. He believed it. But that didn't stop the addiction and the compulsion which put us in the same situation less than 13 months later.

It is said at it's root, that Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder. It reads like you can relate to that aspect from your post. From Patrick Carnes PhD, the leading expert in SA, the 4 core beliefs of the addict:

1. "I am basically a bad, unworthy person."
2. "No one would love me as I am."
3. "My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others."
4. "Sex is my most important need."

1 & 2 are a big part of the obstacle to being intimate or close to their partners.

I would suggest you use the itap site:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm
to find a CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist) in your area - you and your husband should both see one. Although our Marriage counselor was the one to make the connection between some of my husband's behaviors and suggest we look into sexual addiction...he was pretty much clueless on how to help us as a couple with this. That why it is so important to seek out the right type of counseling for both of you.

it hadn't progressed to controlling his life too much...just enough to have 4 affairs and no impulse control.

I hope you can see how this sentence doesn't make sense - 4 affairs and lack of impulse control in seven years seems like it is controlling his life (and in turn yours) plenty

Good luck to you!


Me- BS 40
Him- WH 45 - SA
DD1 - 4/3/09 DD2 - 7/15/10 DD3 - 8/10/10 The truth and details of his Sexual Addiction
Married 16 years 1 child - 16y.o.
Reconciled and working recovery

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2010
faith5
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Member # 17784
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi.

i am new to this part of SI.

our MC handed H a sticky note with "Love/Sex Addiction" written on it and then met with me privately, instead of our usual couple session.

the sticky note is still on bedside table...

he has not brought it up. at our last MC session is was skimmed upon...

my good friend (childhood Best Friend) deals with this in her marriage and told me about Doug Weiss and Sexual Anorexia?

any info or advice for me?

i am mostly in S&D mode right now and really don't see any hope, and i lack complete motivation and energy to even care...i think.


Posts: 1656 | Registered: Jan 2008
OptimisticMe
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Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cafeaulait, you are right, that sentence doesn't make sense and this obviously is controlling his (our) life.

What hope is there for full recovery? 2 yrs ago, I think he knew something was wrong and thought it was depression. He was trying to be a better husband and father...and now another affair. This time seems different, like he is trying much harder and being more open. Perhaps after more reading he will want a counselor. I don't want to push him too much but I also want him to get all the help he needs. I do 100% believe he wants to change...he knows that is the only way to keep his family. He says if he can't fix it on his own he will get help. I am just impatient and wish I could see the future. He has opened up to me a lot more than he ever had before, we are much closer now. But he still has problems discussing some things about himself with me. He definitely has #1 and #2 of the core SA beliefs. This is so scary for me. I won't stick with him if he has another affair. I like to have control and in this situation I can't control anything

Oh the abstinence part makes sense to me now, too...thanks. 90 days would be tough but if that is what he needs then I am game.


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
SabinatheOwl
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Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What hope is there for full recovery?

7yrs' WH is fully sober, recovering & working a program. There is always hope that an SA will maintain complete sobriety & will actively work their recovery all the time. However, like any addiction, SA is something where sobriety is a day by day thing where the addict is recovering but is never recovered. Recovery is always in the present tense, not an accomplished task the SA is done with.

The thing is- the best chances come when the BS works their own program & fully lets go of the SA, his sobriety & his recovery. I struggle with detachment. It's difficult & goes against my codependent grain. However, I know that letting go of my SAWH & working my own program thoroughly increases the odds of achieving & maintaining R. Not to mention improving my own mental health & increasing my independence & self care- all things spouses of addicts need to do. So that's what I'm doing.

*edited to add: We managed 49 days of celibacy & it helped tremendously. I highly recommend that you & your SA try it for as long as possible.

Hoping you have a good weekend~

Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 6:39 PM, January 14th (Friday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*edited to add: We managed 49 days of celibacy & it helped tremendously. I highly recommend that you & your SA try it for as long as possible.

It seems like celibacy should be an easy thing, doesn't it? But it is tough when it is after a dday of any kind - because I am feeling the need for HB and we are only on day 7 of celibacy. I never thought it would be hard for ME. I think it's kind of like saying "don't think about a pink elephant". It's impossible not to, right? There have been many times where I would avoid any kind of sexual contact for 90 days.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
Compartmented
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Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Optimistic Me,

I'm still new to all this, so definitely I don't speak from experience, but regarding what SabinaTO writes:

SA is something where sobriety is a day by day thing where the addict is recovering but is never recovered. Recovery is always in the present tense, not an accomplished task the SA is done with.

The thing is- the best chances come when the BS works their own program & fully lets go of the SA, his sobriety & his recovery. I struggle with detachment. It's difficult & goes against my codependent grain. However, I know that letting go of my SAWH & working my own program thoroughly increases the odds of achieving & maintaining R. Not to mention improving my own mental health & increasing my independence & self care- all things spouses of addicts need to do. So that's what I'm doing.

I agree that this is what I am reading and hearing from people working their recovery. The good news I've also heard is that the more you work on your recovery, the more likely you are to be able to tell when your SA is no longer in recovery. I'm sure there's never a litmus test, but I think the more we learn the better our intuition can speak to us. If we develop strong boundaries, we'll have confidence that we can be okay.

So, I'm doing all that SabinaTO says. I'm working on learning what my boundaries are, and I think it will help me.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
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Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SabinaTO,

Can you say more about this?

We managed 49 days of celibacy & it helped tremendously. I highly recommend that you & your SA try it for as long as possible.

How did it help? Did your SA feel it helped clear his mind? Did it help you with your healing as well?

Thanks.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the things that can help is to find something you can both agree to do in place of the physical aspect of your relationship if you are doing the celebacy period.

For example, pick a book like the Five Love Languages or anything by John Gottman & commit to doing a few pages every nite. Once you do the RetroV program, it gives you a wonderful tool that can be done in a few minutes every day. There is a site that has a 1000 questions for couples & I've seen similar books. So you can take the time daily to learn more about each other & grow closer.

Instead of it being a time of just giving up something (sex), find a way that works for both of you to commit to learn more about love & intimacy. There are tons of great books & workbooks you can pick from.

You notice I did not pick an affair books for this experience, but one that leads to more understanding of each other & what it takes to have a great marriage for even just 15 mins a day, right before sleep.

That way not only do you end the nite on a caring note (more condusive to restful sleep) but it fosters a feeling of closeness. First thing in the morning is also a great time since it can set the tone for the day. But the important thing is to agree to it as a daily gift to each other at the time that works best for the couple. Another crucial part is to agree to consider this time a safe haven for the marriage & each other so no betrayal type issues or questions should be brought up during this time.

It can also be considered a form of extended foreplay for when you do decide to make love again or as a way to generate loving, intimate feelings prior to getting closer physically. The brain is the largest & most important sex organs in human beings.

If you allow yourself & your coupleship that little bubble of time to only focus on love & to foster why you picked each other & to reinforce why you picked each other, you may be surprised how it positively affects the hard work that has to be done the rest of the time.

After all, the true goal is not just to survive under the same roof but to create a wonderful, loving, healthy, partnership type marriage.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
FmrLIer
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Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Optimistic-bear in mind, I'm a newbie here so take this with a grain of salt. There are others in here who are much more seasoned then me but I figured I would share what I've learned so far FWIW

As crazy as it sounds, my SAWH & I are closer now then we have been in our entire M. I truly believe that it's because there are no more secrets left to hide. It's all out in the open now. He's ashamed, embarrassed and remorseful - and he's finally okay with sharing that with me. He comes to me now when he needs love (a hug or a gentle kiss), he knows it's ok to cry in front of me and I won't think he's less of a man.

As far as being flirty, I'm being told that first I need to be comfortable with it and then need to be sure that it's not a trigger for him. We are now able to be intimate and there are some things I just can't do with him yet...and you know what...to bad, he'll just have to wait until I'm ready.

I hope this makes sense and helps a bit.

1. "I am basically a bad, unworthy person."
2. "No one would love me as I am."

This is spot on too!


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


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