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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 12:43 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To illustrate the long term effects of what infidelity and being married to a SA can do to a person.

We're good, he's sober, I rarely if ever trigger over SA related things, but I still suffer from PTSD and it manifests in bizarre ways. I'm often surprised by what triggers me and causes an anxiety attack. But I digress.

We've had bad luck with things being stolen from us. When I was in my twenties and lived alone, my apt was robbed. 10 years ago our house was robbed two days after Christmas and all our gifts were stolen along with all our other valuables. Then, on our honeymoon, one of our hotel rooms was ransacked and robbed. 2 years ago someone walked up into our front yard and stole a brand new wrought iron/wood bench in broad daylight. Last night someone stole two of our large LED yard decorations (a snowman and a reindeer).

This has sent me into full blown flashback mode. I'm having an anxiety attack. I'm paranoid. I'm depressed and I'm angry. My husband is fine. Disappointed but fine. I'm angry at him for not being more upset. I'm a fucking basket case over a couple of lawn ornaments. Now, granted they were expensive and my daughter is sad but my level of freak out seems disproportionate. And even though I know it's disproportionate, I can't seem to stop it.

My daughter has her holiday piano recital today and it's taking every single ounce of my will to force myself to get us all ready to go. I personally just want to go to bed and sleep for a few days. The urge is almost overpowering. Why should I even try to function in the world when I just constantly get shit on?

It's happened before, I know people suck, but because of all I've been through with my husband's SA, I don't think I handle things as well anymore. I don't think this should be putting me into quite this bad a tail spin. I really, really, really want to just go back to bed. I have no joy in my heart. I'm not excited to see my daughter perform today. I just don't care about anything and I'm hyper focused on the theft. That cannot be normal.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Nicole5
♀ Member
Member # 17794
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


7,

So sorry!

I don't post in here, but I read since my stbxh is a NPD/SA.

You're strength is an inspiration.

I know how it is to feel like life is not fair; that there are no rewards for those who play by the rules.

It's about more than the theft of decorations, 7, and what you are feeling is perfectly acceptable and understandable.

Big Hugs,

Nicole


divorced my WH on Nov 4, 2011
(see my profile for "the story")


Posts: 338 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: TX
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you 7, you gotta wonder how people can become so heartless to steal christmas lawn ornaments.

Last night I saw the movie Eat, Pray, Love. All day I have been thinking how wonderful it would be to just go away for a year and find myself. Even thinking about how could I do it for a month. No SA, no infidelity, no crap...just freedom and my own choices.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that we are told that it is not about us, blah, blah, blah...but was wondering if anyone has successfully come to the point where they feel beautiful and sexy again.

I just find myself looking in the mirror and not being happy with what I see anymore.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7, I just want to say that you have brought joy to many of us here. Big hugs to you and hope that you are able to do something you enjoy for yourself. Even if its having some chocolate!

Cleo, what helped me with this, sorry to say is going to a bar. I dressed up and nice because my sisters were trying to cheer me up and asked me to go dancing. I had like 5 men ask me to dance and I actually did dance with a few. One of them told me that I was beautiful. Terrible I know but it really helped me. My SA is telling me he doesn't want sex or even to kiss me. Gosh I feel like I am at the prime of my life but can't make love to the someone.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
hoosiergirl
♀ Member
Member # 29902
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say thanks, 7, for sharing. I'm sorry that you have been violated again by having your possessions stolen. What a horrible feeling. Whether it's coming here or watching the news, its astounding and disheartening to hear about how many people have lost their way.

The only thing I can say is don't let some A$$!?)@'s steal your joy.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Oct 2010
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Concerned  Posted: 10:54 AM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((7))))

What a crappy thing to happen! I hope your daughter's recital went well. Take care of yourself. Try not to let the "shoulds & oughts" take over.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7, I'm so very sorry to hear about those morons that stole your decorations. May they burn in a special kind of hell.

I hope you were able to make it to the recital. Hugs


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found out yesterday my SA had opened yet another secret email account and was still talking with OW. I am so tired of dealing with this crap.

He has been to SA meetings every day this week and also counseling, and he is still not really in recovery, still talking to OW. He cried and begged me to stay. He promises.....yet again to change. I just feel numb and don't know if I can ever feel like a wife to him again.


I have decided that after the holidays(have no choice cause my kids are coming home for Christmas) I want to go away for a month or two to find myself. I just can't figure out where to go. I don't have alot of money to spend. I was thinking about going to my sister in Florida, she has an extra room and I can help her renovate her house, or maybe some type of road trip or volunteer vacation. I just have got to get away and find myself. Let him do what he is going to do. I really need to get away from him for a while.

Any suggestions??


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am all for a road trip! I took one and it made a huge difference for me. I went to my hometown, to visit friends and family, but I took an extra day to get there and two extra days coming back. I didn't want to come back, and I shared that with WS.

I found what helped me was to just be out on my own to make decisions about what I wanted with NOBODY ELSE around to have an opinion or choice in the matter. I got up each day and decided where to go next. I did the research on possible cities and then got in the car and started driving.

I plan to go again. If I didn't have teens at home, I'd be gone a lot more.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this Cleo. Getting away will give you space to think. Have you spoken with an attorney? I find that helps me a lot, too, as I know my options better.

Compartmented


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Helpless  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Cleo)) I hear you.It can be so hard to take care of ourselves and our families at the holidays. My heart goes out to you. That must've been a heartwrenching discovery.

My vote is for the volunteer vacation because it'd keep your mind & body bing you busy, hopefully preventing you from obsessing/triggering. If money is an issue (& when isn't it?) maybe think about looking for a church sponsored trip. Often they're less expensive.

Is there an in-house boundary you can start in the meantime? Or a new something you can do daily to care for yourself?


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has been to SA meetings every day this week and also counseling, and he is still not really in recovery

You should request a meeting with his counselor (I hope it's a CSAT...) so that you can ask some questions and make the counselor aware that your SA is not sober. I suspect he's lying to the counselor. I would do this one time only. If your SA doesn't get his act together and get serious about recovery after that you need to consider your options. No one should stay with an unrecovered SA.

The only other option I can think of is to ask him to go to an in-patient treatment facility.

7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 9:32 PM, December 14th (Tuesday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband saw his CSAT for the first time yesterday and he was given "homework" - Carnes' Coming out of the Shadows book and workbook. He was also given a list of local SA support groups for each of us. I admit, I'm kind of surprised there are so many in my area. Relieved but surprised too. He's going to his first meeting on Friday and I figured I'd go the first of the year. What can I expect? I'd love to be able to find someone I can confide in IRL when my doubts are seeping in.

On a side note-WH has been doing fantastic!! He is the man I married five years ago only more appreciative, it's great and I pray it lasts! He's completely focused on his recovery and it's so great to see. My emotions are still all over the place. They range from being so pissed at him, to loving him and being proud of all the work he's doing. Good think I love roller coasters!

Our couple's appointment isn't until January 20th!


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your caring advice and comments.

I did go last night with my SA to his counselor. SA had to fess up about the recent acting out as I had all the info and proof of the account and some other things. Had to admit he was not really in recovery.

His counselor basically told me to detach and start thinking about my own future until my SA shows true signs of recovery.

Today my SA is pleading for another chance, says he finally "gets it" and is starting recovery. Still going to meetings and counseling. OK...so how many times do you have to "get it" before you really "get it"??

I am moving forward with my research to go on an extended trip alone. My CSAT agrees it is a good idea and is encouraging me to really start picturing my life without SA.

I am honestly losing hope and feel like today it really hit home that she is right.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FmrLIer..

So glad you have something positive to report!


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Frustrated  Posted: 9:22 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs Cleo. Sometimes when a bs moves forward & grows & changes the ws will step up to the plate and make real changes. I know SA changes the game considerably & not for the better. Make changes for you & detach as much as you can. Take your trip. Start getting your ducks in a row. It never hurts to be healthier & stronger no matter what the outcome is. Just remember to watch what your SA does not what he says.

That was hard news you heard, I'd still be numb a little if I were in your shoes. Take care of yourself.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been a LONG time since I've been on this site. Nice to see 7yrs still around. Sorry about the lawn ornaments...and I know exactly how that can feel like the proverbial straw. Especially this time of year when we're already exhausted and emotional wrought.
I have a question re. sex. My husband and I have been doing great. He hasn't acted out (always feel like I have to add "that I know about") in four years. He's a far happier person and in many ways our marriage is really, really great. The SA stuff is a backdrop -- always will be, I think -- but certainly not front and center by any stretch.
BUT...our sex life is virtually non-existent. I went from being someone with a fairly strong drive to someone who barely thinks about it. On some level, I wonder if I'm just keeping feelings at bay by not making myself vulnerable. But I'm not sure.
Any ideas on how I can rev things up without resorting to the usual lingerie, candles crap...which I never really did go for.
BTW, my husband is on Effexor, which he says has virtually killed his sex drive...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi EternalOptimist~

I went from being someone with a fairly strong drive to someone who barely thinks about it. On some level, I wonder if I'm just keeping feelings at bay by not making myself vulnerable.


IMO I think this might be worth exploring with a CSAT?

I'm new to the SA stuff, but I know Carnes has a great book called Sexual Anorexia. I've read parts of it & it's good. Maybe you could borrow it or buy a copy?

I don't have any other advice to offer, I'm scared to say much more than I'm sending you hugs & my prayers are with you & your SA. Congratulations on 4 years of recovery.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sabina,
That's a thought worth exploring. It has been awhile since I really thought too much about the whole SA thing. And it's been easy to think of it as "his" problem...but I guess any expert will at least suggest that my own issues might have played a part in my choosing him in the first place, even if on a sub-conscious level.
H'mmm...you've got me thinking.
Thanks.

EO


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
BedHead
♀ Member
Member # 29726
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99.5%. That's how sure he says he is that he'll never act out again. He's a total open book but of course isn't with me 24/7 so I can never be 100% sure I guess. Our sex life is fantastic, we do everything we possibly can together, I feel good when I'm around him.

I guess I have to decide if I can accept this at face value or not eh? I'd love to get rid of the feeling that the other shoe is going to drop at any second. He's doing nothing to make me feel that way - quite the opposite. The feeling comes from the fact I've got PTSD I think.

[This message edited by BedHead at 3:20 PM, December 15th (Wednesday)]


March 13, 2010: D Day #1
Nov 6, 2010: D Day #2

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