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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi dazdandconfuzed
Welcome.

If you haven't already, you really should read in depth my list of advice/resources for spouses of SA. I most recently posted it on page 18 (12th post from the top or 9th from the bottom). Also please read my post on page 20 about 90 Day Abstinence contracts, there is a ton of good general SA info there and it also explains how the chemicals in the SA brain work and why it differs from alcohol/drugs.

My advice is that you ask him to seek out a CSAT to work on the SA and also that he go back to AA for his other addictions.

You need to seek recovery for you and finding a good CSAT would be an excellent start in addition to reading the books I recommend.

PM me anytime. And post here for advice, it's a great bunch.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the kind welcome. I have read this whole thread so I read the list of resources and the 90 Day Contract info. I'm just so tired mentally I don't know if I have it in me right now.

I don't believe he is willing/able to be abstinent for 30 days. I think H's SA is on the more extreme end of the spectrum. I know all SA behavior is hurtful and damaging so I'm not trying to say anything he does/did is any worse/more hurtful than anything else. It's just that his addiction has progressed to the point where his acting out is very extreme.

Or at least it was 4 years ago. I guess his relapse started 1 year ago and his behavior hasn't escalated (that I'm aware of) to quite the same level yet. But his past behaviors were of the get you arrested variety. I don't think he has a rock bottom. I thought he did and he had hit it right before rehab for the drugs/alcohol. But he's been using again for a year and managed to kind of cover it up. My gut knew but since I couldn't "prove" it I kept convincing myself I must be wrong.

I know I need IC and/or a CSAT for my own healing whether or not we remain together. But it is a very daunting task. There is only 1 CSAT within an hour drive where we are and they are male. In a perfect world they would become my H's C, but I just don't see him putting in the effort. The IC I saw after dday has since retired so I will need to start over and find a new one. It just seems so overwhelming right now.

H has an appt with his old local IC but I don't even trust him to tell that C the truth about what is going on. I think it is much more likely that I have hit rock bottom than he has. I am just so very, very tired of it all.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
sawife
♀ New Member
Member # 26324
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<Hugs>> Dazed and confused. I completely understand about the being so so tired. That's how I feel most of the time. I am slowly working on my own recovery, my H not too much.
There are days that getting a divorce would be the easiest choice. Then there are days that just staying together is the easiest...

Sorry, having one of my bad days today. Im so sorry for your pain dazdandconfuzed, you're in my prayers


Me = BS 30
Him = WS 35
2 kids - 1 & 3
Feb 06 DD #1
Nov 09 DD #2

Posts: 19 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: chicago
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is much more likely that I have hit rock bottom than he has. I am just so very, very tired of it all.

My IC said this very thing; you have hit your bottom but he has not. So after a few years of pleading with him to get help and him promising me he would at least go on Recovery Nation (we have no CSATs anywhere near where we live and no SA groups), but never did, I gave up. I am still in the house, but not really in the marriage. I am working really hard on paying down my bills and getting financially viable.
We get along just fine, but it's all very shallow stuff. He's very good to me in every other respect and a genuine nice guy, but that's not enough as many of you know.
I dread leaving in so many ways, but I look forward to the freedom of living away from all this toxicity. Not sure how long it will take me to feel financially stable, but I'm patient. For awhile, I was hoping he would step over the line to real women, but that may not happen for a long, long time, if at all, so I can't wait for that, I'm sure.
It's tough stuff, this crap.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've not been reading this thread for awhile and have just gotten caught up. I'm so sorry for all the anguish that I read about from you all. (((Hugs to everyone)))

I have started counseling with a CSAT and managed to also get myself to a S-Anon group meeting. The meeting was amazing. It was so very much exactly where I needed to be.

I wish courage to everyone to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Compartmented


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HELP ME PLEASE!

I'm not sure how extreme my FWH's sex addiction is, but I do know that he has promised twice to stop watching porn and I just caught him again last night jacking off.

He agreed to not watch porn in our MC's office, said it was no big deal.

Anyway- this morning I said I wanted him to spend 2 nights away from home as a consequence since he had no consequences last time, therefore didn't learn anything.

Question: Is this appropriate? Is this an appropriate consequence? I don't know! I only know he has to FEEL that his life as he knows it is in jeopardy. Because it fucking well is.

On other fronts, he has been working really hard-and that is what makes this particular decision so disappointing. Someone smart please help me!


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot claim to be someone smart, but I can try to help.

I understand how frustrating it is to be faced with something you hadn't thought about as far boundaries.

First, ask yourself if you are trying to figure out what to do to get him to see the light, or figure out what YOU need?

Getting him to see the light is not your job. Do not place that kind of crazy pressure on yourself. Taking care of ourselves is hard enough without adding the crazy of an addict.

Now, once you decide that the second option is better (figuring out what you need), stop for a moment and just see what you need at this moment. What do you need right this second to be sane, safe and healthy?
Then do it.

SOmetimes, it is a book with your children, a bath, a good cry. Sometimes it is bigger, such as the SA out of the house.
I have found that the little things give me the peace I need to see things clearly for the bigger decisions.

Hope this helps a little. I feel for you, been in your shoes more than is fair for any of us.

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 5:51 PM, November 28th (Sunday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, too trusting.

There are a lot of things going on, this is just one of many, and I think having him away will give me a little respite.

But yes, it's not my job to make boundaries to "punish" him, I see that, but to keep myself safe. Thanks.

I will go wash some dishes, that's pretty important and mindless at the same time.


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
hoosiergirl
♀ Member
Member # 29902
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH installed the accountability software on his computer on his own accord. I know that it has helped him because instead of leaning on his crutch during stressful times (porn), he is learning to deal with his feelings. I'm not sure if it would be wise to make that a consequence since you aren't suppose to manage his addiction but I wanted to put this out there...."since it's no big deal".


Posts: 92 | Registered: Oct 2010
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks hoosiergirl-I check his history a lot, this happened to be a movie he ordered on pay per view.

I've been thinking a keylogger wouldn't hurt, though.


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cautiousoptimist

If you're looking for an appropriate boundary it seems to me that asking that he see a CSAT is more than appropriate and the consequence can be that he needs to leave until he sees one or it can be an in house separation... i.e. he's not sleeping in your bed until he sees one. His choice. I think a form of the 180 would be appropriate. If you normally do his laundry? He's on his own. If you normally cook for him? He's on his own there too. If he wants to make the choice to watch porn and masturbate and refuse to seek treatment, that's his choice. And if you no longer feel the need to do things for him since he can't respect you, your marriage or your boundaries, that's your choice.

Those are just examples. It sounds like you understand that boundaries and consequences cannot be used to try to control his addiction, they are to keep you safe, and SANE. He may not choose treatment and at that point you'll have to decide what you want long term. But for right now just do what you can and are willing to do to distance yourself from him and his choices.

So, yes, asking him to sleep elsewhere is a valid boundary but what's the point exactly of 2 nights? What does that gain YOU? How does that help you long term?

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Weighted80
♀ Member
Member # 30053
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to be here with all of you. We live in rural AR, so no CSATs within 4 hours of us, and no S-Anon or COSA groups for me, or SA/SAA groups for him.

I will post more as I feel the energy. I appreciate reading all of the messages on this thread and not feeling like a complete idiot.


Me: BW 30
Him: WH 37
DS 13 DS 8 DS 5 DD 2
I don't know what we are doing right now.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Nov 2010
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weighted - there are online meetings and confeence call meetings for this very reason.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
Weighted80
♀ Member
Member # 30053
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did find those for SA - are there any for spouses that you know of?


Me: BW 30
Him: WH 37
DS 13 DS 8 DS 5 DD 2
I don't know what we are doing right now.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Nov 2010
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boundaries. I think I am growing to hate this word.

I hope it's OK if I post about my H's other addictions in here also, because I think they are all tied up together. I told him if he started using again that he would have to go to rehab again and maintain sobriety for a year before he could live here again. At the time, that seemed like a straight forward boundary.

But in actually, now that it's here, it feels more complicated. He has used 4 times in a 12 month period. There isn't a physical addiction going on. Does it make sense to spend all that money on rehab? And I would have thought 12 months of sobriety would be very easily verified - a very clear line in the sand. But I suspected he was using over those 12 months and I did test on occasion, but addicts can be very wily and he was using things that he specifically knew I didn't test for.

Now we get to the SA. Some of the things that came out during discovery and some seriously nasty porn I found in the 'net history after definately made me think SA. The very thought of that label was too shameful for him to face. He begged me not to push the issue since he wasn't "doing anything". I set a boundary on the cheating. Very straight forward, right? Cheat again and I'm done.

But now it's here and it isn't straight forward again. It wasn't an EA. It wasn't a PA. If I hadn't been on SI for the last 4 years I may not even call it an A. So what was it? It was definately cheating. "Talking dirty" with the same OW for about a year time. To the extent of "can't I just give you a BJ?" - "You have no idea how close I am to just letting you do it".

I don't necessarily feel "done". I don't know. I have been trying hard not to let myself feel anything. It is too dangerous. I can't go back to dday. I WON'T go back to dday. But if I don't throw him out... does he learn that it's OK and I won't do anything about it?

I have my preliminary poly results - no deception. Someone asked me in a PM what it mattered and that really got me thinking. But it turned out it did matter to me. When he passed, I felt a little glimmer of hope because he told me the truth for once. And now I know that he had no physical contact at all - I'm wondering was it an A or the slippery slope?

He made an IC appt with the IC he used to see. He said he felt more comfortable because he knows the guy. He asked me if he could "start" there and see if he recommended a CSAT and I told him it isn't up to me. He has to make his own choices about this. I can see that he is looking for me to tell him what to do and I know if we go down that path it will be a disaster.

I just don't know anything right now. I thought I had set boundaries I could enforce but I just don't know anymore.

Please, feel free to ignore my ramblings. I think I just need to purge a bit.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

check out the COSA webste. They have online meetings and conference calls.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have my preliminary poly results - no deception. Someone asked me in a PM what it mattered and that really got me thinking. But it turned out it did matter to me. When he passed, I felt a little glimmer of hope because he told me the truth for once. And now I know that he had no physical contact at all - I'm wondering was it an A or the slippery slope?

I don't want to scare you but it's possible for a person to compartmentalize well enough to be able to pass a poly. I know several people who have passed while being deceptive and a couple who failed while being totally honest. Basically, polygraphs are crap.

As for boundaries and what you should do... find a CSAT and go for YOU. Read the books, work on you. Focus on you. Set boundaries and consequences with him to keep yourself safe, not just physically, but emotionally, while you do your work.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 yrs:

Mostly the 2 days are for me to get my thinking straight, check things out with other people, make sure I'm not knee-jerking, etc.

I am not even 2 months clean off opiate addiction so I know my thinking isn't necessarily logical or clear.

I want to talk to our MC, maybe see my IC, investigate what others have done in similar situations. I haven't considered sex addiction seriously as part of his other addictions (alcohol, polysubstance) although one of the reasons we're seeing an MC is because he has an intimacy problem. (ya think?)

And like I said to someone, it's not the porn, it's the broken promise that bothers me the most.

But I thank you very much for your validation-it makes me feel a lot less crazy!


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A bit of a warning about seeing an IC that is not specialized in SA.

My SAH went to the IC we had used for MC previously, after I found out about A#2. He saw IC for 6 months,on his own. He even told IC that he thought he was a sex addict. She ignored this, because his discussions were so minimal in that area, and he stated things, really, in a way that the IC didn't do more than reassure him that he was fine.
So at least 6 months were wasted with him seeing someone he was "comfortable" with.

As you know, if your WH has been in rehab, recovery is NEVER "comfortable."
It isn't for SA, either.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a bit conscerned about H seeing a "regular" IC, rather than a CSAT. He used to be our MC after dday so H said I am more than welcome to go to his first appt and give him MY opinion of what's going on. But I don't know - that seems like it may be co-dependant behavior on my part. Like I would be trying to manage his recovery - which is something I definately have to work on. When he was in the ER being evaluated for rehab with his other addictions he asked me what he should do. I told him it needed to be his decision, not mine. He said it was, but I think he only did it because it was what he felt I wanted - and that is why he has relapsed. We both understand intellectually that he needs to WANT it for HIMSELF to recover. But I think he is having a hard time accepting that emotionally. His responses are being driven by the fear of a D.

So - opinions? Do I go and lay it out for the IC at the beginning and then walk away, or should I just stay out of it all together?

Also - I think at least short term a CSAT for me is out of the question. The only one within an hour drive is a male and in a perfect world H would decide on his own to see him. So I would need to drive at least an hour and a half to find one for myself which would be a hardship right now.

So I am thinking of at least starting with Recovery Nation. Any one do the program? The "free version" or the "pay version"? Do you feel it helped? I did start reading there and my interpretation of what they are saying is that they recommend you DON'T read any other books while going through the program. At least not about the addiction itself - that I should be looking only at the partner side right now. Any thoughts on that? Am I misinterpreting that, or have other disregarded that advice and were glad they did?

OK, enough pelting you all with questions for now. Thanks for being patient with me - I knew this minefield was out there waiting for me but I had fooled myself into thinking I wouldn't have to walk through it.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
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