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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
notasaint
♀ Member
Member # 28465
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, November 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IRN2006,

What's is "scanning," I haven't heard this word come up.


I struggle too with how will I know he's acting out again. So much of his behavior was hidden in ways I'd never know about or suspect. Yesterday and today I feel as though he's hiding something and I hate it. I'm not sure if it's real or if it's because I'm triggered due to attending my first COSLAA meeting the other day. I need to just stop thinking about it and focus on me completely.


Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: FL
BedHead
♀ Member
Member # 29726
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, November 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I need to just stop thinking about it and focus on me completely. "

I know. If only it was as easy to do as it is to say


March 13, 2010: D Day #1
Nov 6, 2010: D Day #2

Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Edmonton AB
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, November 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's is "scanning,"

Simply put, it's looking at women (or men) in public with lust.

But obviously, it's so much more complicated than that and you can't boil it down to something simple.

Examples of similar, yet different things that are all considered scanning. All these assume the SA is male and the subjects of the scanning are female. It's just easier.

"Scanning" women in a bar, looking to hook up. So, scanning to find an actual sex partner for right then.

Driving around and "scanning" for hookers.

"Scanning" women, choosing one that is appealing and forming fantasies in his head and using those fantasies to masturbate to later.

I would say the vast majority of SAs do it and the vast majority of SPoSAs don't notice it, although some do and get really upset when they see their husband oogling other women.

This was one of my rSA's major bottom line behaviors. I never once thought he was looking at other women. I never caught him doing it when I was with him. I would never have known if not for our frank discussions about his SA. He admits that he mostly did it when he was out alone (grocery store etc) but did it when we were together too, he just got good and not being obvious about it.

So, this is one that I think we as spouses, can't let drive us insane. If your rSA is working a recovery program, seeing a CSAT, going to meetings and is sober, then it's safe to assume that "scanning" is something he is no longer doing as that would break his sobriety.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
notasaint
♀ Member
Member # 28465
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you 7yrs for that very detailed explanation. Sounds awful :(

Looking forward to seeing my IC today, I wrote some questions down to ask her. Not sure COSLAA is for me though but I promise to give it the 4 to 6 meetings they say you should do before deciding.

This is all sooooooooooooo hard!!! Working so much, reading books for myself, going to IC, trying to stay sane. We should all go on vacation together!


Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: FL
BedHead
♀ Member
Member # 29726
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know - the last two weeks I have felt like I'm adrift in the middle of the ocean madly paddling toward an island that keeps receding in the distance.

My hubby is still in denial about a lot of things but I hope getting into SAA or SA is going to help. I am also learning stuff - this 'scanning' thing for instance. Over the years I have noticed him checking other women out here and there in a way that has made me uncomfortable, but I have always chalked it up to him being a guy who likes the female form. Now I am wondering if he does this scanning thing too :( How do you know if it's a normal thing or not?? I know that if I brought it up he would deny he has any kind of lustful thoughts about the women he checks out. Maybe further along in his recovery he'll admit if he does, but not right now.

Also, we sat down together and looked at different 12 step groups available. 3 are in our city, so we compared their philosophies. SA, SAA and SLAA. SLAA he and I both agreed is too wishy washy. Comparing SAA and SA, he thinks SA is too strict because they forbid masturbation and any sex at all outside of marriage, ie for single people. He liked the three circles approach that SAA uses. He has never had what I would consider a problem with masturbation - he once told me that he did it every two days when he wasn't in a relationship before he met me, it was part of his routine, like brushing his teeth every morning. I asked him about what he did while we were apart and he said that he bought Penthouse and read that, and that he did masturbate, but he refuses to admit to me that he thinks of anything but me when he masturbates.

He has been to one SA meeting and is going to another Saturday. He also contacted SAA to ask to join but has no reply yet. I guess he's basically shopping around. The one meeting he was at he said there were people there that he doesn't think he can be around, whatever THAT means - he wouldn't elaborate, citing confidentiality rules.

He went to one EAP counseling session that was basically a waste of time - the counselor said 'I can't treat you' and gave him some names of people who deal specifically with sex addiction. He is not going to contact any of them right now because he says he wants to still go thru his EAP because it's free How he's going to do that I don't know - he did see one woman for 6 free sessions that told him he was a sex addict, worked with him to come up with a plan, which obviously failed. He even saw her after hiring the hooker and didn't tell her about it. He says he'll go back to her before he pays for someone, at least for the free 6 sessions. Why can't he see that he's wasting his time doing this???

Gah. OK I know I need to forget about all this and get on with my OWN recovery. I have contacted S-anon and know when their meetings are and plan on going next Wednesday. I also just realized COSA exists so am in the process of seeing if they meet here and checking them out. I haven't made any IC appts for myself yet, which I need to do. The thought of yet ANOTHER round of appts on top of S-anon/cosa and MC exhausts me. I work full time and have three older kids (two are adults) living at home, the older two are boys who have been taking advantage of me lately and basically using me as a servant to clean up after them and drive them around. My daughter started a job a couple of weeks ago and I have lost my lunch hour from work because I have to drive her to work every day now - bus service is horrible to where she works and cabbing every day isn't an option, and hubby works an hour away. Every evening is spent running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Thankfully this weekend and next hubby and I are dumping the kids and getting a hotel - Sat night this weekend in Calgary for a football game, and three nights next weekend for Grey Cup.


March 13, 2010: D Day #1
Nov 6, 2010: D Day #2

Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Edmonton AB
BedHead
♀ Member
Member # 29726
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No COSA in Edmonton apparently, so S-Anon it is. Does it matter if he ends up in SAA but I am in S-Anon and not COSA?


March 13, 2010: D Day #1
Nov 6, 2010: D Day #2

Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Edmonton AB
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Sad  Posted: 5:25 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Story & Introduction- Very very long (sorry!)


I’ve been a member only since November 4th, but my story as a betrayed wife, shell-shocked war victim, whatever you want to call it, began last January 19 (2010). I’d signed up for 3 classes at our local community college. After my evening class ended I returned home & hubby handed me his work laptop to surf on. Luckily for me, he’d left his email up and running. Being a curious person, naively believing we had nothing to hide from each other, I started looking around.

I discovered he’d spread himself all over the internet looking for sex partners. I was sitting in the livingroom surrounded by our children. He sat across the room from me, oblivious to my distress. At that point I had an ‘out of body experience’ that would later be revealed as a coping measure from my childhood. Over the next couple of weeks
I discovered he was on 25+ ‘hook up’ sites. Looking for women within 60 miles of the zip code he used.

A week later I discovered via emails that he’d actually had sex with at least two women, his primary adultery partners. I um..lost my cool and gave him what he calls an old fashioned ass whippin’. The next day he made NC phone calls in my presence, changed all of our phone numbers (house, cells, etc). A couple of months later, the transfer he’d been working toward finally came through. He now works in one location as opposed to traveling all over our region for his job. In the meantime, he manipulated me, gaslit me, told me he didn’t care if I had an affair, didn’t care if we divorced, didn’t love me, I didn’t love him. All kinds of blaming & justifying BS. I bought a lot of it, truth be told. I immediately internalized his behaviors as resulting from my inadequacy. He had been the perfect husband!!*sarcasm*

He started individual IC at the end of February & we started MC in March. He continues in IC currently. His work is just beginning. By June he’d seen a CSAT for an intake appointment. It was confirmed. He is an SA. I was heartbroken even more if that’s possible. Yes, I knew about his alcoholism- but SA? A whole separate kettle of fish. I stopped the MC in July since he (the MC) was basically refereeing our fights. Besides which, the C didn’t specialize in adultery or addictions, never mind anything as specialized as SA. Individually we began group therapy with CSATs in late July. I have both an IC and individual sessions with the CSAT & group therapy. Plus S-Anon. I’m in 3 hours of therapy a week. I’m working my ass off.

Him? Not so much. He’s returned to blaming me, justifying, projecting & manipulating. And he’s trying to turn our kids to “his side”. I’m doing the 180. We sleep apart. We haven’t had sex in 5 weeks. Yes it took me this long to figure out I was being used for his acting out. He dropped his CSAT led group therapy last week. He doesn’t attend meetings more than twice monthly. He is doing recoverynation.com but there have been large gaps of time between postings. He doesn’t have a cell phone anymore, he just about only uses the computer at work. He isn’t in recovery in any meaningful way. Like other WHs & SAs he believes that saying sorry once in a while and going to therapy is enough for me. I’m supposed to be happy with that and do all of the hard work o my own. Alternatively, he believes his adultery problems & SA are all my fault since I ‘d emotionally checked out of the marriage.

I believe what I've been told is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure he's omitting & lying & 'forgetting' a lot. A whole lot. I’m getting my ducks in a row. Learning about self care & boundaries. Setting goals and making plans. Refusing to play his game anymore. Changing our dance.

*Edited to correct paragraphing & spelling*

If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading my story. It's scary & hopeful just putting it out there.

~ Sabinatheowl

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 5:31 PM, November 19th (Friday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BedHead
How do you know if it's a normal thing or not?? I know that if I brought it up he would deny he has any kind of lustful thoughts about the women he checks out. Maybe further along in his recovery he'll admit if he does, but not right now.

DO NOT CONFRONT HIM ABOUT THIS. Sorry to shout but this is very important. That is something that he and his CSAT will uncover and address. It CANNOT come from you! I really, really debated whether it was wise to explain what it is because I know that if the spouse confronts about this it will be a major set back for both. Don't do it. Ok??

Comparing SAA and SA, he thinks SA is too strict because they forbid masturbation and any sex at all outside of marriage, ie for single people.

Of course! He's protecting his ADDICTION!! He's protecting HIS DRUG! He doesn't want to give up masturbation because it's one of the ways he gets his fix. I would set a hard and fast boundary on this one and insist that he go to SA. He will NEVER get sober if he's masturbating. He has to get sober in order to reset his brain chemicals. I'm hardcore on this one. SAs cannot masturbate. Ever. Period. Would you tell an alcoholic that it was perfectly fine to have a beer once in a while as long as he didn't ever drink whiskey? How do you think that would work out? Do you think he could stop with one beer? Two? And when that didn't do it for him do you think he wouldn't go for the whiskey??? Think long and hard about that. Make sure you're educated about how a SAs brain works and how the chemicals in his brain effect his decisions. And the fact that he carries his DRUG IN HIS BRAIN ALL THE TIME. An alcoholic can choose to get rid of all the liquor in the house. Your husband can't get rid of HIS BRAIN. He can only choose to stop FEEDING it the chemicals produced when he masturbates or acts out in any way.

I asked him about what he did while we were apart and he said that he bought Penthouse and read that, and that he did masturbate, but he refuses to admit to me that he thinks of anything but me when he masturbates.

Bullshit. He himself said it, he looked at Penthouse. Please tell me that you do not believe the utterly ridiculous claim that he didn't think of the Penthouse chicks while he masturbated. He's an addict. Addicts LIE.
He has been to one SA meeting and is going to another Saturday. He also contacted SAA to ask to join but has no reply yet. I guess he's basically shopping around.

Yep he thinks he can manage and enjoy his addiction instead of getting sober. He wants to join SAA so he doesn't have to get sober. All addicts try at first to manage and enjoy instead of get real and get into serious recovery. Again, this is why I advise that you set a boundary on his going to SA, not SAA or any of the others when SA is available to him. This is not about controlling him, this is about protecting yourself. If he won't get sober he's endangering you. You have a right to protect yourself.
The one meeting he was at he said there were people there that he doesn't think he can be around, whatever THAT means - he wouldn't elaborate, citing confidentiality rules.

I'll give you my best guesses.
1. He went to a co-ed meeting (which I think is a big NO-NO) and there were women there that he found attractive. You also need to set a boundary that he attend closed, men only SA meetings.
2. The more likely explanation is that there were men there who called him on his shit and he didn't like it at all and wants to avoid them. I really think this is probably the most likely reason.
He went to one EAP counseling session that was basically a waste of time - the counselor said 'I can't treat you' and gave him some names of people who deal specifically with sex addiction. He is not going to contact any of them right now because he says he wants to still go thru his EAP because it's free How he's going to do that I don't know - he did see one woman for 6 free sessions that told him he was a sex addict, worked with him to come up with a plan, which obviously failed. He even saw her after hiring the hooker and didn't tell her about it. He says he'll go back to her before he pays for someone, at least for the free 6 sessions. Why can't he see that he's wasting his time doing this???

Wow, he really doesn't want to recover. First, he needs a CSAT, a MALE CSAT. It is not a good idea for a male SA to see a female CSAT unless it's his ONLY (and I mean ONLY) option. He won't be honest with a woman. He wants women to think he's a great guy. He believes he can manipulate women. It's my and my rSA's opinion that it's a bad idea unless it is literally see a woman or get no CSAT treatment at all. Again, I think this is a boundary you need to set if you want to stay with him. He's not doing what it takes to recover and get sober. He's avoiding EVERYTHING that will actually lead him there.

As to your entire last paragraph. Find a female CSAT and go. NOW. Seriously. Don't make excuses. Do what you need to do for YOU. You need to stop the pattern of behavior in your life that brought you here. Not just for your sake, but your kids.

7
(who is often very, very blunt but it all comes with love)



Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SabinatheOwl
Welcome, but I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

It really sounds like you're doing ALL the right things. Have you seen my list of advice and resources for the SA spouse? If you haven't you can find it page 18 of this thread... it's also on page 3. It's pretty easy to spot. You may find some additional things there to help you.

Set your boundaries and consequences and stick to them! You can do this. You deserve better.

He'll either come around or he won't. I sincerely hope he hits rock bottom and chooses recovery.

Sadly, SA is way harder to kick than alcoholism so I'm not surprised he's struggling. Is he AA sober?

Please keep posting. PM me anytime. Read my profile.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
DOH!  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Afternoon Everyone!

In response to 7yrs~

I've purchased & am currently reading M.A.S.H. and Deceived, but I don't have the 3rd title yet. My CSAT & I are planning to do boundary work using the Cloud & Townsend book starting immediately after Thanksgiving week. I also bought the 2 S-Anon books (blue & green) and have started reading them.

I'm learning to let go of my codependent behaviors while simply watching my S.A. Watching & not intervening is a learned skill for me & still feels uncomfortable although I realize its much healthier for me. It's very hard to watch him "fizzle out" of potential sobriety and recovery after a strong start. I can't say I'm surprised though. Yes, he's sober of alcohol, but that is via being dry only- not by doing AA or therapy.

I'm told that this is fairly common behavior for SA's, & addicts in general, and that his acceptance & recovery may be a long while coming. I've no idea if that's true or not, but I'm getting my ducks in a row in the event he continues to be in denial & continues the typical addict's behavior. I will not stay with him long term unless he's actively working a program, which he's not.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina,
Like I said, you are doing everything right! That's fantastic. Keep it up.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to dig this up to share with a SA in Wayward asking how to help his wife with a 90 day abstinence contract.

This info hasn't seen the light of day since the last thread so I thought I'd go ahead and drop it in here for everyone who probably didn't see it in the last thread.

Info on Abstinence Contracts:
The SA's CSAT (or IC) should be advising him to seek sobriety through a 90 day abstinence. This includes not having sex with you or himself (masturbation). In order to get fully sober he needs at least 90 days of NO sexual activity so that he can go through withdrawal and have the chemicals in his brain normalize so that he is not running everything through his distorted addict thinking. It is better if the 90 day abstinence is agreed to by both partners and discussed beforehand. After he goes through the initial withdrawal you will need to work on building emotional intimacy with NO sex. This is very important. SA is an intimacy disorder and he doesn't know how to have REAL intimacy without sex.

More info:
Excerpts from the books "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction" and "L.I.F.E. Guide for Men" both by Mark R. Laaser

The first step is stopping sexual behaviors. This includes the three building-block behaviors - fantasy, masturbation, use of pornography - and any other behaviors addicts may have engaged in. Just as alcoholics need to stop drinking before they can be treated, sex addicts need to stop acting out before they can embark on the healing journey. {one tool to help an addict stop sexual behaviors is an abstinence contract}

Abstinence Contract:
It is vitally important for sex addicts to stop all sexual behaviors for at least 90 days. They should agree to an abstinence or celibacy contract, which states they will not be sexual with themselves (through masturbation) or anyone else, including a spouse. This contract achieves two basic purposes - one physiological and one intellectual. First, prolonged lack of sexual activity reverses the level of neuro-chemical tolerance addicts have built into their brains. Addicts may experience symptoms of detoxification not unlike an alcoholic, though not as severe. Most people really struggle with this contract somewhere between the seventh to fourteenth day depending on their past levels of sexual activity. {NOTE: From 7 and my rSA, we both have seen other literature and from experience know that the withdrawal can be difficult for up to 6 to 8 weeks! Though we agree it can START at 7 to 14 days.} After that, abstinence gets easier over time. Second, abstinence reverses the sex addict's core belief that "Sex is my most important need." Instead, the sex addict discovers, "Sex is NOT my most important need." This is why 90 days (though somewhat arbitrary) is symbolically important.

Married sex addicts commit to this contract with the mutual consent of their spouses. Spouses often welcome the abstinence contract because the addict has been continually initiating for years. Some are afraid of it because they believe if they are not sexual with the addict, it will discourage him or her from getting sober. Others resent the contract because they worry what they will do without sex. It is often wise to negotiate the abstinence contract with a counselor to avoid misunderstandings about the nature and purpose of the contract. A spouse should be aware that the frequency of sex is never a factor in determining if a sex addict stays sober.

Abstinence can't continue forever if the sex addict is married. In this regard, recovering from sex addiction is not like recovering from alcoholism. Alcoholics can abstain from alcohol for the rest of their lives, but sex addicts do not usually abstain from sex. Recovering from sex addiction is more analogous to recovering from food addiction. Food addicts can't stop eating forever, but they can learn to eat to nourish themselves when their bodies are hungry. Married sex addicts learn that sex with a spouse is appropriate and beautiful when, instead of being a way to avoid intimacy or escape negative feelings, it expresses the intimacy of marriage.

Reasons for Marital Abstinence
In addition to the neurochemical benefit, the most obvious advantage of an abstinence contract for the married sex addict is to take the sexual pressure off the relationship. For many couples, marital sex has been full of conflicts, arguments, and emotional pain. Perhaps, you've avoided sex with your wife and have preferred your acting out behaviors to connecting with her. In that case the pressure is from the absence of sex, but it's still pressure. Even if there's been little or no sexual activity in your marriage for a long time, you need to commit to an intentional period of abstinence. There's a vast difference in deliberately choosing to abstain from sex and in avoiding it because of your addiction.

Almost all sexual addicts (of either gender) are unable to be "present" during sexual activity, especially with their spouses. Instead of authentically making love with your wife, you likely are lost in fantasy about some other sexual experience, either real or imagined. You pretend you're with another partner or engaging in different sexual practices. You insist on darkening the room or you close your eyes to avoid being in the moment because your fantasies are more pleasurable than what's happening right now. In effect, you're still having "addict" sex even though the partner is your wife. Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, remember? Taking a break from martial sex gives you the chance to start over in your marriage relationship and learn to be present mentally, emotionally, and spiritually before you add sexual intimacy. Abstinence provides a chance to create TRUE intimacy in your coupleship.

Excerpt from the book "Clinical Management of Sex Addiction" by Patrick Carnes, Kenneth M. Adams

{The partner} must agree to this form of abstinence and accept it for the potential benefit of increased emotional and spiritual intimacy and not as another form of abandonment. A period of 90 days has been the standard recommendation as a period of abstinence. Recently, I talked to two partners who had extended this for 17 months, slowing rebuilding increased physical intimacy until they eventually experienced genital intercourse again. Doing this, they found that they had allowed themselves the time to heal from many of their emotional issues that sex had previously triggered.

From my research and in my opinion the following things should be outlined in the contract in terms of your coupleship and marriage:
1. The duration (90 days minimum). You can set a definite duration or you can leave it open ended. Set an initial minimum duration (90 days) with a clause that if you both feel it would be beneficial, you can agree to extend the contract. Some couples find that things are going so well in terms of building real intimacy with no sex that at the end of the 90 days they will decide to extend it.)

2. A specific outline of what appropriate touching is and is not during this abstinence period.

3. A plan for building emotional intimacy in the relationship. (We chose to use the book “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” at the suggestion of our marriage counselor. Perhaps your CSAT will have recommendations or if you have an MC ask him/her.) We also “dated” and found things we enjoyed doing together to build closeness.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone out there tonight?


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to post in Reconciliation. I just found out my WS has been having affairs our whole marriage. He is now involved in an affair with a women from work. He has a secret email and I found out about it and made him give me the password.

He has been telling her how beautiful and amazing she is. All the time he is going to a counselor with me and telling me he is sorry about past affairs and wants to get help and stay married to me.

I feel so lost and alone. I am a christian and want to give him grace, but he just throws it away like it is nothing. He professes to be a christian, but he is a liar. I know he is sick, but I have given him grace for 25 years and he is still doing this.

I told him he has to leave, that he is not welcome to be with the family for Thanksgiving. He is being very nasty and refusing to leave, saying we can't afford it. I just don't know what to do.

I gave him what money I had and told him to get a hotel for a couple of days until I can come up with some more money. Our finances our very tight.

I guess I am just asking for prayer and support. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Cleo,
You know you're not alone. We're here.

What are you doing for your recovery? Have you read the books I recommend? Are you in IC with someone who can treat a SA spouse?

As to kicking him out, well, you cant set a boundary that you canny enforce. You can't physically throw him out so you're going to have to find another solution. You can leave. You can sleep in another room. Find a boundary that you can enforce.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi cleo, there are people here. Big hugs to you. It must be really painful to discover your wh pulled a fast one & did false r with you. For what it's worth, I agree with 7yrs. Find some kind of physical boundary/consequence you can enforce with your wh. Separate rooms, etc.

I found that sleeping apart is really helping my SAWH get the picture that all is NOT well in our relationship. Maybe something similar would help your wh too? Be aware he is very unlikely to react well to your boundary. Just stand strong. You're worth it

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
notasaint
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Member # 28465
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, November 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Cleo and Sabina!

I also agree with the sleeping apart. It has been very beneficial for both me and WH I believe. I'm actually now enjoying sleeping alone and having my own space. It has allowed me to separate myself in other ways too easier. By now means am I doing "great" with removing myself from his recovery but I'm getting better at it every day.

Thank you for the excerpt 7yrs, the brain chemical issue makes sense!

I do hope everyone can try to make this next week about themselves and their families, giving thanks for the good things in our lives. I know it's hard to see them through this horrible SA stuff but we each do have good things to be thankful for.


Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: FL
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, November 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As to kicking him out, well, you cant set a boundary that you canny enforce. You can't physically throw him out so you're going to have to find another solution. You can leave. You can sleep in another room. Find a boundary that you can enforce.

Just one thing. If you do decide to leave, check with a lawyer first, especially if you have kids.

In my state, the party that leaves the family home is considered to "abandoned" the family in the eyes of the law.

Which obviously doesn't look good in the event of divorce.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
JustWow
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Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to add my unsolicited 2 cents to 7's wonderful post on the 90 day abstinence agreement.

If the addict tends to be anorexic, or even just anoerexic with his/her spouse, then they should be working closely with their CSAT during this time to help them NOT simply turn this period into another form of the addiction.

Not that we've gone through anthing like that


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3551 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'll throw my 2 cents in on scanning, as well. And as usual, 7 described it very well. My rSAH used to just always look at women sexually, constantly, as a way of always being in a state of mild arousal - it beat the heck out of feeling real feelings ( to him at the time ). I imagine many SA's use this behavior in one form or another, for one reason or another. My H did it so frequently and regularly, he thought it was "normal" to look at women that way. He did it at work, at the mall, at the grocery store, on tv, at church, you name it. It was kind of a 24/7 mild high to keep himslf constantly anesthesized (sp). With the behavior that pervasive, it took some real work to overcome it, but he has


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3551 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
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