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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau- I am not engaging in conversation with him about what happened because I have always been the one to initiate. I just can't do it anymore. It always ends up in a bad place. So I am sitting here, waiting, like a fool for him to miraculously see the light. Pretty pathetic. But, I am taking care of myself now, more than ever. I am sorry that you are going through this pain too.

Cafe -- you nailed it. It is like living with a robot. We are in total communication breakdown mode right now. He does not speak to me AT ALL. He is waiting for his therapy appt tomorrow so he can "process" this with his therapist. He really waits a whole week before he can talk to me. It makes him look like a puppet. I know I sound harsh, but I am just so sick of living like this.

Mite -- I actually attended S-anon mtgs. With all due respect, I feel like I am not co-dependent -- I have PTSD. My IC also agrees. This guy blindsided me. All I want is for him to ACKNOWLEDGE the damage that he has done. I know he sees it. I just don't think he feels anything either way. That is what is so frustrating and hurtful.

For those of you whose partners have come out of the fog (of being unemotional)-- how long did it take? Are we talking years?

How long does a person have to live like this -- waiting and hoping for their partner to feel something? Maybe he never will. That is what scares me the most. Then what do I do? He is not acting out right now. I worry about relapse of course, but right now I am not thinking about that. I just want to feel a bit of hope, and I don't see any right now.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, knutz, I will bite. You aren't going to like what I have to say, though.

First of all, I think you were a little harsh to mite. A few pages back you were recommending S-Anon to others, saying how it helped you at first to be with others who "got it". Now, you are saying you don't need to go, because it is only for co-dependents. Bulls$!t. Whether you see it and admit to it or not, you ARE obsessing over him. It is pretty clear in your posts. You say you are taking care of yourself, and that is good! However, even if you don't feel you need all aspects of a 12 step recovery program for partners, you could still benefit from attending a group and the real life support you would gain.

Now to address your second issue, "coming out of the fog". The ONLY thing that brought my H to an understanding of how his addiction (and subsequently our dance related to it...yes, that nasty co-dependent word) affected our entire family was hitting rock bottom in the most extreme of ways. I cannot discuss the specifics for legal reasons, but there were a plethora of legal consequences in that he almost lost his job and could have went to prison, and he did lose the respect of his children (who found out), and we were separated. Otherwise, yes, he acted out for years with no regard for me or my feelings whatsoever. I vividly remember the first time I heard him use the words "sexual addiction". It was about 10 years ago, in a suicide letter. I confronted him at that time about personal ads and the letter, and he told me he was going to kill himself to SPITE me. How much clearer could he have been in his disregard for me? When rock bottom hit, it was like a near death experience for him. Anything else would not have penetrated his strong addiction.

I did not understand SA then (when I first found out), and spent many years of wasted time becoming detached from him, contemplating having my own affair, and planning to divorce him when the kids grew up. I checked out mentally with workaholism and drinking. We didn't have a CSAT, just a string of IC who were inadequate at dealing with SA, and he was not ready to enter recovery. All those years were wasted years of my life. Even during the times where he was not acting out (white-knuckling) we were not emotionally connected.

To me, emotional connection is the sign of true recovery. My H's CSAT (who himself is a recovered SA) really stresses empathy and feeling emotions. When my H entered a real recovery, it took a few months, not years for him to being to express remorse, feelings, and a desire to make amends. Is your H working with a CSAT? A CSAT is much different than just a plain old IC, even one that supposedly specializes in addiction.

As for the question of how long to stay, that is up to you. I regret staying with him for as long as I did. I thought I was doing the best for our kids. However, now that they know about his addiction, they feel that our family has been a lie. I am very happy with my H's progress in the last year, but it is hard because as a family, we have a long way to go towards healing. I feel a lot of hope for him, and for our relationship.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
seeking peace
♀ Member
Member # 6693
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC (a CSAT) told me to make a list of the negatives about STBX so I don't forget and go into what she called "euphoric recall" where all you do is remember all the good things. So I'm going to make a list of negatives so I don't feel so crazy and I can look at them again and again. Here goes:
STBX...
lied to me - repeatedly, easily, convincingly for years and years and years
did not follow through
procrastinated
put us in financial jeopardy by not paying taxes
put my health in jeopardy and gave me HPV & ???
broke his promises not to cheat again
is narcissistic
neglected the house and its care
neglected me
neglected the kids
is one sick guy and can't get better without help (which HE has to seek)
lied and lied and lied - even in counseling
didn't tell me about the credit card debt for the business
would not face the finances
would not tell me the truth about wanting out, even when asked point-blank
is a coward and can't face conflict
has not admitted his sex addiction
takes advantage of others - me, the OW, and now the widow from the church who's letting him stay at her mobile home
justifies his behavior

What did I forget? What's on your list?

SP

(Edited for spelling)

[This message edited by seeking peace at 1:58 AM, September 17th (Friday)]


Me - BW 49 Him - SA 49
DS 15, DD 13
FIRST Dday: 10/27/04 4 LTAs & more...
Tried to reconcile for six years until...
LAST Dday: 6/10/10
Filed for D: 8/24/10 Divorce final: 6/2013

Posts: 419 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: California
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry if I offended anyone. It was certainly not my intent.

You are right, I am obessing over the fact that he just doesn't get the damage. I am trying really hard to detach from that, but it is really hard.

I wish we had that emotional connection that you spoke of. We have nothing right now.

I guess I just thought that at 8 months out, I would be feeling better about things, and I am not.

Again, if I offended anyone, especially you Mite, I am truly sorry. I so appreciate everyone advice on this forum and I would never do anything to hurt one of you.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
I have to admit this before anyone feels bad. My intent was to try and help by opening eyes. My post was a change from the Hazelden daily posting it had Al-ANON in place of SA-ANON. I am an SA and read this post religiously as I need and want to understand as well as I can what I have put my BW through. Where I can I try to add to discussions with my experience, strength, and hope.

I have only been sober for 18 months, but by the grace of God I am sober again today. I have learned many tools through SA. They help me on my path. I would recommend the program to anyone with the least thought they might be SA. I am here if anyone needs to try and see the other side of what they have gone through. I am not only remorseful for what I have done to my BW and family but feel for each of you in your plights. I do not think any addict can be married or in a relationship with anyone unless they have some co-dependent traits. This seems to be why we choose who we do. Recovery is a triple edged sword, in that the SA must recover, the spouse must recover, and hopefully the marriage will recover. All three parts take active work though. Stay strong and know that you can be teh best person you can be with or without.
Thanks,
G

[This message edited by mitehvblonitpa at 10:43 AM, September 17th (Friday)]


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Mite.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

knutz
For those of you whose partners have come out of the fog (of being unemotional)-- how long did it take? Are we talking years?

Short answer is: Yes. But it's more complicated than that.

My rSA was remorseful and ashamed and did feel badly from the time he finally got into recovery. But what he couldn't do was HEAR me express my HURT and PAIN and ANGER. When I was not upset, angry etc he could express to me what HE felt but he was unable to let me express to him what I felt. Every time I tried he shut down and got defensive. He could not express sympathy or remorse in response.

He was not able to let me express my hurt and anger to him until he'd been sober for about 2 years. That was the turning point for both of us. I had to be able to express it to him without him getting defensive and angry. That was key to my recovery. I said this in answer to someone else earlier in this thread:

...it took just over 3 years from Dday #1 to turn the corner. It took 2 years of sobriety and working with his CSAT for my rSA to be in a place where he could hear me and let me process my anger and betrayal which was a HUGE turning point in the whole process.

To put that in perspective, in February of 2007 it was so bad that I briefly left. We fought horribly. I was deeply depressed and barely functioning. I went back and forth between depression and RAGE. Serious rage. In October of 2007, I wrote this in my journal:
"he's been so focused on his recovery that working on our marriage and addressing my deep pain and anguish has been set aside. I've been coming unglued lately so we are working toward focusing more energy into our marriage counseling and on me being able to express my pain without him getting defensive."

That was the beginning of coming to that place in July of 2008 when I could finally turn that corner.

You might want to dig up the previous thread and go to page 49 and read my essay titled "Garbage, Sewers and Alligators"

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 11:10 PM, September 17th (Friday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My rSA was remorseful and ashamed and did feel badly from the time he finally got into recovery. But what he couldn't do was HEAR me express my HURT and PAIN and ANGER. When I was not upset, angry etc he could express to me what HE felt but he was unable to let me express to him what I felt. Every time I tried he shut down and got defensive. He could not express sympathy or remorse in response.

7yrs. thank you so much for this. This is so much of what I am experiencing & it has been over 4 years since D-Day. So to be honest, he is nowhere near where he has to be. He keeps promising to do this and that to help deal with his SA but at this point I know it's all talk. I have come to the realization that his remorse is about 'him' and not about my pain at all. I know this is all part and parcel of his SA but after all that time I am really tired of it. He is incapable of recognizing my pain; it's part of his narcissism (sp?) which is inherent in SA.

I know I have to leave. It's so difficult even though i know. I do not waver between leaving and not leaving. I know the answer. I have to constantly remind myself that I am here ONLY to gain more financial stability. No matter where my mind goes, I KNOW why I am still here.

It's so hard!! I am so tired. I want to go now but I don't know how...I don't know when...etc. etc.

Life gets so busy. I love my job. I am totally involved in doing a great work in what I do. But I don't want that to detract me from what I have to do.....

Anyway....I need support, but I don't need pressure...

[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 10:05 PM, September 17th (Friday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7,

I just sent you a PM.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night we had band practice. And guys being guys, they often play a few "humorous" songs just to laugh it up a bit between serious rehearsing. One of the the musicians starting playing & singing a raunchy song called "Big Bottom" a song about a very large woman. (keep in mind, my SO's fetish is morbidly obese woman porn)

All of the men in the band (with the exception of my SO) joined in singing it and yukking it up. My SO suddenly had to tune his guitar and test his equipment and it was obvious he was uncomfortable.

I have shared my story with the other female singer in the band and she has been very very supportive. She noticed the way he was acting too.

He recognized himself as a joke??? I think so. He was so obvious in his avoiding eye contact with me. Touché!


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Question  Posted: 6:53 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any former partners of SAs here? I'm looking for help, book suggestions, websites for former spouses of SAs. Most is about support for the partner staying in the relationship. I have left, divorced and recovering. This is one aspect of xwh's wreckage just now learning about.
Thanks.
~wgb

Posts: 4604 | Registered: Dec 2009
emeraldisle
♀ Member
Member # 20480
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question re: S-Anon.

I went to a meeting last night. The women were wonderful. The sharing is helpful. But I confess, I don't quite understand.

While I think it is a good idea for me to take account of the things I've done in my life that are not beneficial to me or others...and while I understand some of my actions didn't make for a good marriage...I guess I am wondering why I am in a 12 step meeting and my sex addict husband is not. Is this really for me? Or do I need just a general support group for betrayed individuals?

The thing I didn't like about the S-Anon meeting was that there was no give and take...people spoke their thoughts and feelings but there was no talkback, no opportunity for questions, etc. I don't think I work well in that kind of environment. And while it may possibly help me, I am not the sex addict. I just found out 3 years ago and stayed with someone who was, in order to try and salvage my marriage. Can someone explain S-Anon to me? Is it helpful for people like us? Thanks.


Me: BW, married 14yrs
D-Day 04/2008; 07/2008; 10/2008; 03/2010 & 08/2010
DIVORCED, and moving forward

Posts: 1016 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Texas
watchingU
♀ Member
Member # 22144
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to SANON meetings on and off for about a year. I found the same problems you did. Our meeting was small and we spent every week reading the rules bylaws etc.and it took up so much of the hour. That got old real fast. I also have a problem with the partner (us) having the same twelve steps that the addict does. I felt like who ever developed this SANON should have made it more usable for the partner of the addict, not the same stuff. Not much thought was put into that. It could be done so much better.
The only good thing is that you may meet other women you can talk to outside the meetings as support. But the meetings themselves were a waste of time for me.


BW me 60(naive until 3/30/07 Dday)
WH 60(PA w/SIL PA with neighbor, 100's of EAs,chat rooms, M 1969
Multiple Ddays over the past 4 yrs (about prior infidelities, not new ones) My Gut says WH Has cheated thruout M

Posts: 520 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: South
emeraldisle
♀ Member
Member # 20480
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, watchingU, you eloquently stated what I was trying to say, and what I was thinking the whole way home last night.

I was beginning to think maybe I was resistant to help or unable to "advance" myself...but it's not that at all. Thanks for the perspective, and I welcome others to comment.

Good luck to you. This is quite the Hellhole to be in.


Me: BW, married 14yrs
D-Day 04/2008; 07/2008; 10/2008; 03/2010 & 08/2010
DIVORCED, and moving forward

Posts: 1016 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Texas
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way about S-Anon although I attended Al-Anon as there is no S-Anon here. Even though I was a co-dependent & co-addict for many years, I did not find the meetings all that helpful. I do read Melody Beattie's books mind you and do find them helpful. But working the 12 steps so intensely became very confusing after awhile. However I did do it on my own with a workbook and took what applied to me from that. I still struggle with some enabling tendencies, but I recognize them quickly now and try and deal with them. I'm not convinced the 12 step meetings did that for me though. Reading other stuff was just as, if not more helpful. I had to deal with the PTSD after finding out about the ONSs and the affair first, I now realize. I've known about the porn for most of my marriage, but did not understand it as an addiction like booze and drugs until after D-Day. However, I do think the support and non-judgment at the meetings can be very helpful, although I found meeting with another SA wife for lunch every few weeks more so. The back and forth in those informal discussions were far more beneficial, as is reading and posting in this forum.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
SB25
♀ New Member
Member # 29684
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had multiple D-Day's over the course of the last year and a month with my SO. I first discovered he was having an A back in July 2009- I found messages in his phone and confronted him about it. He said they were old and that he didn't think our relationship was going to last and that they didn't mean anything.

We had been in a long distance relationship for a few years, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. We vacationed with his family in August 2009- while on our trip I picked up his phone and noticed an email account that I didn't know about. It bothered me all weekend and I asked him about it. He told me that he used the account for baseball ticket sales. I had a feeling and upon returning home from the visit with him, I checked his email and found COUNTLESS emails to OW off craigslist. I was mortified. I called him repeatedly, unless he finally answered the phone at 5am the next morning. He denied everything and said it wasn't him and that he shares the account with a friend who also sells baseball tickets with him. Over the next few months, I found out there was no friend and that he infact fabrciated teh story and even faked an email to this guy, so convince me it wasn't him.

We seemed to have gotten through a good portion of the year without any As that I know of. I woke up one day and stopped suspecting him. Everything seemed like it was going fine, I had made the decision to move to where he lived, I thought he had changed, as he promised.

A month before I moved, I was visiting him and I found an email account, again that I didn't recognize, open on his computer, in the email was again, countless emails to OW on craigslist, exchanging pictures, and dirty exchanges. Of course I am over it, and I end the relationship, screaming and crying and demanding to be taken to the nearest mode of trasnportation back to where I lived (6 hours away) at that moment. He cried and begged me to stay, and to not break up with him. He said he would change and that he loved me and wanted to marry me.

I contemplated whether going through with this move. I decided against my better judgement that I needed to give my relationship a chance living in the same city and being around eachother daily. I felt it was the least I owed my relationship.

I haven been in the same town as him for tow months now. Everything seemed to have been fine, until I noticed some repeast behavior within the last couples weeks. The decrease of affection, decline in intimacy, and absolutely no physical contact.

Last night I started suspecting an A again, and I started digging around in his emails- one email in which I found that had not been deactivated, and was full of emails, unread. I don't know if he has been on it, but there was an email string in the account with an OW- it makes me think there is no doubt that he is an SA. I have tried telling him that I thought that previously and he denied it. I told him that we neede help when I confronted him July 2010, and he said we would and that he would do anything. Its been 2 months and we have yet to see an IC.

I know he is a good person and I know he loves me- and in his defense, the email string was from before, the OW had just replied to him two days ago, which is apparent in the email string that he has not had contact with her in 2 months.

I am just hurt and confused and upset because I do think I am in love with an SA. I don't want this to happen to us again, but am afraid that without treatment, he is going to continue on this path.

I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this or on how we may attempt at a successful treatment.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Philly
Bamboozled1
♀ Member
Member # 5764
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

S-Anon and every other 12 step group is based on the 12 steps of AA. Why? Because they work. I started in S-Anon almost 5 yrs ago. I get what you feel about all of the readings. I too, felt that way in the beginning, but now I see that the same readings every week help me to slow down, to calm the incessant chattering of my brain, and to re-focus myself on why I'm there.

I went there hoping to have a weekly bitchfest about all of the horrendous things our SAs had done. To my horror I found out pretty quickly that that's not how it works. I was there shockingly to work on myself! I had to finally stop and look at ME. I'd spent 50+ yrs doing most anything I could to avoid doing just that. I learned that addiction is a family disease, and that I had to work on my own recovery for the health of my family.

My marriage didn't survive this disease, but I have. I (and you) have to be willing to go to any lengths to beat this disease. By working this program I have rediscovered who I am. I no longer fear the future because I finally know I only have today. I understand now that the only person I can change is me.

I thought when I went into those rooms that I was doomed to a series of endless, miserable days until I died. Thru being open to working a program of recovery I have regained my life and my sanity. I have joy in my life. The pain of the past no longer tortures me.

I am not a joiner or a group person by nature. I was so broken when I got to S-Anon that I was willing to be open to trying something new. When I saw people laughing I was intrigued, and after 6 mtgs decided that I wanted some of what these people had.
I've worked hard on myself, and now I continue to work the program and to pass it on to newcomers.

Being critical and judgmental and wanting to feel that I wasn't like "those people" got me to the point where I needed recovery. My being open to finding a new way to live kept me in recovery. As they say in recovery, "It works if you work it." If you're lucky enough to have a program in your area, give it a solid try (generally 6 wks). Reach out to other group members--it's outside of the mtg itself that you can share your story and hear other's stories.

Therapy didn't heal me, bitching and moaning didn't heal me, obsessing over the SA certainly didn't heal me. Working the 12 steps gave me back a life I had lost somewhere along the way. Take what you like from an program of recovery and leave the rest.


Posts: 1851 | Registered: Nov 2004
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bamboozled said everything much better than I could have!

I was given the advice to go to CoSA 6 times and then decide. I was still pretty sure I didn't need it, right up to the 6 meeting. Then I realized how much calmer I felt.
In all honesty, I only starting going regularly, to keep myself focused on hopefully sane. It was that dark time when all I thought about was the As or the SAH, or the affects of it all, and the decisions to be made..... and on and on.

I wasn't functioning. I wasn't living. Oh my poor kids.

I knew that my spouses support group with the mental health program and my reading, the Language of Letting go, kept me somewhat sane as long as I had something for healing in mind each day. At the time CoSA filled a couple of those days.

Now, even with only two of us in attendance regularly, and I've not done the 12 steps, I couldn't cut it out.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
cafeaulait
♀ Member
Member # 29173
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any former partners of SAs here? I'm looking for help, book suggestions, websites for former spouses of SAs. Most is about support for the partner staying in the relationship. I have left, divorced and recovering.

I don't know of any books myself...I am still relatively new to all of this myself.
I attend COSA meetings and there are a couple of people who are no longer married / involved with a SA, but still working their own recovery.


Me- BS 40
Him- WH 45 - SA
DD1 - 4/3/09 DD2 - 7/15/10 DD3 - 8/10/10 The truth and details of his Sexual Addiction
Married 16 years 1 child - 16y.o.
Reconciled and working recovery

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2010
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((SB-25)))))
Yikes! He needs lots of help. Are you the type of person who would move into a fixer-upper? One that you can't fix, only your partner can? Only you can judge the likelyhood that he will roll up his sleaves and get to work.

The good news is that you have found this out before marriage and kids.

You have the power to play this any way you want. Do you need your own space? It's easier to pull off when you are single and have no kids. You don't have to decide anything today. Take your time. Look around. There is a whole world out there. There are many men out there that don't regularly lie and betray the one they love.

[This message edited by twokids at 6:35 PM, September 23rd (Thursday)]


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

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