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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't posted for a while; thought I'd give an update. 9 months I realized my WH was a SA when I discovered he was involved with multiple OW with a posting on POF for 'intimate encounters' on the side. Up until the point I had proof he would gas light me.

Fast forward to 2 months ago when we started MC with a very skilled therapist. During our sessions I feel like I finally have a voice and he can hear me.

Looking back I would have saved myself so much pain and misery if I just left him once I discovered the 1st affair back in Mar '09. Once I figured out the SA back in Dec '09 my two boys was my motivation for staying.

His OW, though successful and well educated, have no idea about his addiction. He presents as an earnest guy in an unfulfilling M; perhaps ready to leave if the right OW comes along. To one he pledged undying love, all the while there were two OW on the side, and he was fishing for more. If only they knew how he plays them they'd never shed a tear over him.

Where does that leave me? It makes me sick to read what I've wrote and it is such a challenge to face the fact that this is my H. I get lots of support from my COSA meetings and my IC who is a CSAT.

I recently caught up on this thread and I'd like to provide a little encouragement to others in that my SAH has since stopped many of the horrible behaviors that so many SAs have. He's no longer angry, moody, or defensive. He swears that he is no longer involved with OW but I naturally take that with a grain of salt.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeking peace,
We don't have many resourses available where I live. I just started RecoveryNation and the healing workshop is already helping me.

7yearsbetrayed,
Our MC/IC is not a CSAT but does have training with SA. She also leads a men's SA group. She pegged WH as a SA within the first month and is working with him through Out Of The Shadows and will then go on to the 12 steps. Wh has really opened up to our MC/IC more than I ever thought possible and from my own research she is right in line with the recovery WH needs. Also, we don't have any fully trained CSAT's near us (even within a few hours drive which I found strange). At this stage I would be afraid to change MC/IC because WH has made some breakthrough (small changes in his attitude about being a SA and why he needs to recover for himself not just our M or our family).


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
rollercoaster80
♀ Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't posted on this thread in a while. Recently I had several triggers/incidents that sent me over the edge. MY ds3 is struggling with drug addiction, my fws seems to be doing well but had a former client texted an inappropriate invitation to him, he hid it and then admittted it but only because I found out about it by accident. Last week when checking up on my ds3 because of something we heard I found out that my bil was sending my ds3 porn.(Bil has a past history of visiting prostitutes daily and other inappropriate contact with women,he is married and has openly poor boundaries)Just don't know how much more I can take. Our m/c says that fws had a relapse in that he lied about several things after the client called him with the invitation to get together.(this happened about 2 months ago) He spoke to her for 8 minutes. She and he told me that he declined the invitation.He also with held info about getting ed pills form MD. My ds3 recently relapsed and at the same time injured his knee. My bil is embarrassed about my dicovering the porn. He apologized and fws backed me up in telling him he was inappropriate but also sympathized with his feelings of shame. I feel like sickness and addiction is surrounding me and I just want to run away. Does anyone else have these addictions running through their families? How do you deal with not being sucked in? Fws is trying or so it seems but he only goes to m/c and does no i/c. He went to SA meeting 2 times but has not gone back. I went to alanon at the suggestion of m/c and it made me feel worse. How will I recognize a relapse? I intellectually know that it is possible even likely but I don't think I can handle it. Just feeling really badly at present. I go to my first i/c session this Thursday.It is with our m/c. Somehow feel this may be a conflict of interest but she is a forthright person,I value her opinion and I don't have to go through the whole story again.I think she will help me a little but I may need a new perspective as she says at this point I won't leave fws as i have stayed knowing his past so far. I don't know if I can continue living like this. I am trying to live each day in the present but it is SO hard when I know what was in the past. I can't seem to trust anything and my mistrust is continuously reinforced by things I find out. Hopefully someone can relate and give me perspective on my situation and how to get out of this funk. I just want to be happy.

[This message edited by rollercoaster80 at 12:20 AM, August 18th (Wednesday)]


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
gimmeechocolate
♀ Member
Member # 22704
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those recovering SAs ...we don't have a CSAT anywhere close to us.

What is your opinion on Recovery Nation?


BS: Me, 37
WS: Him, 37
Married 10 years
2 Kids, 7 and 4
D Day 1: Sept. 16 2008 (after over a year of gaslighting)
EA (no PA as far as i know)for almost 2 years
False R:09/16/08-10/31/
Reconciling 10/31/08- now
D-Day 2: Feb. 24: Long Term EA/PA

Posts: 291 | Registered: Feb 2009
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 12:28 AM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recovery Nation is a great resource but will not take the place of IC (preferably with a CSAT but even an IC with SA experience) and going to a group and/or to SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) meetings. If you can't find an SA chapter either, they do have phone meetings which is sort of in between. Not as good as in person meetings and IC but a bit better than doing solitary work online with no personal contact.

In order to heal the SA needs the guidance of a counselor to really, really work through family of origin issues etc. Also, because SA is, at it's core, an intimacy disorder, trying to do recovery in such an impersonal and disconnected way isn't as helpful. The SA needs to learn to build healthy relationships with other men in a group environment and with an IC.

Again Recovery Nation is a great additional resource to seeing an IC and going to SA meetings. I just discussed it with my rSA and he agrees 100%.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Elisabeth Ann
♀ Member
Member # 28599
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of you may know me and if you don't, please read my profile. I only found out in March that my WH was a SA. It has been a terrible journey for me especially because his A gave me HIV. My plea to all of you is to please, please get tested. There really are no symptoms until you are really well on the way to fullblown Aids. But I would also like to add that your WS addiction has nothing to do with anything about you and they must own all their responsibility. My WS had to go through 3 therapists until he found one that has been able to help him. He has made huge strides in his recovery but sadly I'm the one who is having the most difficulty in finding a IC who fully grasps how traumatized I am and while he is trying so very hard to make me happy and save our marriage it's me who is obsessing over the woman he slept with who might still be out there infecting others. The old adage that it only takes once was very true for us and because he couldn't believe that a rather ordinary 57 year old woman would be a risk, I struggle everyday.

Posts: 134 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Long Island, NY
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rollercoaster80, I have the same concerns as you. What our MC (who deals with SA, thankfully) said on our first visit was this: transparency, full transparency, is a must. Every day. All emails, phones, bills, etc. should be open to me 24/7/365. (This also means doing what I need to know that I am getting transparency -keyloggers, all emails opened in front of me, phone bills, complete financial control, etcetera).

Because SAs are so adept at lying and manipulating the truth, we start to doubt our intution. Part of the idea behind complete transparency is related to this self-doubt. Through transparency, my MC said, I will be able to notice when there are deviations in my WH's behavior. This is just one piece of the larger puzzle, but that bit of advice struck me as being extremely important in gaining trust again - both trust in myself and in my SA/WH.

Where that trust leads is another thing entirely, but one step at a time, eh?

Forgot to add, probably most important of all - I believe it is essential for SAs to attend SA groups or at very least get serious counseling with a CSAT. Can't stress enough how vital this is! It is one of the main conditions of our R.

[This message edited by carnelian at 10:00 PM, August 22nd (Sunday)]


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Elisabeth Ann)))

I've been following your posts and just wanted to thank you for sharing your story and advice. Your strength shines through the sadness.


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Elisabeth Ann, I just re-read your post and noticed that you were also struggling to find a qualified IC to help you cope with your trauma.

Dealing with the ramifications of an A is bad enough without the SA bit thrown into the mix (and worse). Luckily for my WH, he's found a great IC. For me though, finding a qualified MC/IC has been... Well, almost a new trauma. Pouring out my story over and over again to different ICs (and MCs), being the injured party and not being able to get the help that I need... Insult to injury!

I'm not sure I'll find the perfect IC, but I'm sure I'll find a decent one sometime. In the meanwhile, I am very grateful that my WH and I seem to have found a good MC. I know there's an IC out there who can give you and me the help we need, even if it takes some time.


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
rollercoaster80
♀ Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

carnelian...Thanks for answering my post. Another breach in trust today..I found out that my FWS? got paid for his vacation pay a week ago and never told me. In fact, he was using my checkbook to make payments on bills ect. because "he had no money" He works in sales and things have been slow so he hadn't had a regular check in about a month or more. I make a more consistant paycheck and pay most of the bills. We use his money for groceries and extra bills, savings ect. For a while we were doing the bills together but this never lasts too long as neither of us like to spend our time this way.Anyway, he was telling me he had no money when in fact he had just gotten a week of his vacation pay. I looked at his checkbook and it seems he only spent a little of the money on household expenses.I was so mad!!! Now I am in a kind of strange calm, I don't know why. It is as if I can relax for a bit now that I found out what was going to hit me next. I am sure in a day or so (perhaps in a few hours) it will hit me again and I will be once again upset. He lies


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me though, finding a qualified MC/IC has been... Well, almost a new trauma. Pouring out my story over and over again to different ICs (and MCs), being the injured party and not being able to get the help that I need... Insult to injury!

This is exactly how I feel!! I have had to take a break looking because I cannot take it anymore. I come here and I have a couple of great girlfriends IRL and I rely on my regular doc who is managing meds. But I haven't found a IC that is a good fit and it is a trauma to look and not get the needs met and then start over somewhere else. Thanks for saying it like I haven't been able to. Very clearly. I know it would be a huge help if I can get a good one. Guess I'll look again soon...


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5301 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
rollercoaster80
♀ Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, August 22nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

carnelian...Thanks for answering my post. Another breach in trust today..I found out that my FWS? got paid for his vacation pay a week ago and never told me. In fact, he was using my checkbook to make payments on bills ect. because "he had no money" He works in sales and things have been slow so he hadn't had a regular check in about a month or more. I make a more consistant paycheck and pay most of the bills. We use his money for groceries and extra bills, savings ect. For a while we were doing the bills together but this never lasts too long as neither of us like to spend our time this way.Anyway, he was telling me he had no money when in fact he had just gotten a week of his vacation pay. I looked at his checkbook and it seems he only spent a little of the money on household expenses.I was so mad!!! Now I am in a kind of strange calm, I don't know why. It is as if I can relax for a bit now that I found out what was going to hit me next. I am sure in a day or so (perhaps in a few hours) it will hit me again and I will be once again upset. He lies about so many things, it is hard to understand. I told him I can't live like this. He thinks by not having sex he is fixed/cured. He is NOT. He doesn't seem to know how to be truthful. He hides things. He had a drug problem in the past "fixed" that and then started cheating and trying to pick up every woman who he met including our goddaughter. Before the drug problem he was cheating. He seems to substitute substances but never gets to the real problem.He does impulsive things like buying a car when we were not looking for a car and we were leaving for vacation the next day. I asked him today to think about how he is going to work on his issues. He thinks I should be in counseling because of how badly I am feeling, he thinks he is fine. I just know that I can't live with blinders on anymore nor can I live with this behavior. The stress is killing me. He won't go to SA. He doesn't do IC. He doesn't see CSAT. He doesn't read books on the subject nor visit any on line help groups. Nothing!!! He is fine!!!


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rollercoaster - what are your bottom lines? Your non negotiables. Instead of focussing on his sickness, what do YOU need? Clarify it to yourself. Make a follow through plan. Then present it to him. Then spend your time making YOU strong. if you can't afford to leave right now then do not make a response to a bottom line issue I will leave or "you will leave" since you can't follow through. Only pick what you can follow through on...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those who can't find a good IC, find a CSAT! A CSAT can also counsel partners. My advice is usually that the SA needs a male CSAT and the wife needs a female CSAT. You should not ever see the same CSAT (and any CSAT willing to do that is not a good counselor, period.)
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
cafeaulait
♀ Member
Member # 29173
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should not ever see the same CSAT (and any CSAT willing to do that is not a good counselor, period.)

Is there a reasoning to this or your own experience? The only CSAT in our area besides the one my husband is currently seeing was not an option - besides not taking my insurance, they are a heavy faith-based counseling center that were rather unfriendly when I indicated I was looking more for a secular focused therapy. My H's IC offered that he was comfortable counseling me separately if it was something that both (H & myself) of us were comfortable with as well.
I haven't met him yet...but have an appt this week.


Me- BS 40
Him- WH 45 - SA
DD1 - 4/3/09 DD2 - 7/15/10 DD3 - 8/10/10 The truth and details of his Sexual Addiction
Married 16 years 1 child - 16y.o.
Reconciled and working recovery

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2010
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are no CSATs in my state. No COSA groups either.

I did find a couple of psychologists who specialize in general sexual and relationship issues. I wrote a paragraph to them briefly that I recently discovered my partner has been viewing a very hardcore fetish porn throughout our relationship and wanted to know if he had expertise in sex addictions. And that I needed help in dealing with this discovery, as my partner is refusing treatment.

The therapist's response to me:

"Well, I've certainly worked with quite a few couples and individuals where this has been an issue. I hesitate to call it an "addiction" however. Anyone with an "addiction" should be more than willing to seek treatment. Otherwise, that person is claiming full responsibility and control. It has to be one or the other I would think. In that way, the refusal to address the behavior and its effect on
his wife is of more concern than the porn watching itself.

Give me a call if you would like to come in to talk about your thoughts and
choices."

What do you think?


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
rollercoaster80
♀ Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnbearablySadd, Thanks for responding. I know you are right. I need to detach from his problems and focus on me. This is so foreign to me. I always take care of everyone else and I put myself last. The perfect codependant, I guess. I am going to IC alone(it is our M/C) tomorrow. My DS3 is struggling with drug addiction. I feel surrounded by addiction. I know I need to take care of me. I know I can't control either one of them. I will try to come up with a plan concentrate on me and move forward in my own healing.


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 11:47 PM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cafeaulait
Is there a reasoning to this or your own experience? The only CSAT in our area besides the one my husband is currently seeing was not an option - besides not taking my insurance, they are a heavy faith-based counseling center that were rather unfriendly when I indicated I was looking more for a secular focused therapy. My H's IC offered that he was comfortable counseling me separately if it was something that both (H & myself) of us were comfortable with as well.
I haven't met him yet...but have an appt this week.

It it usually considered a conflict of interest. If it's your only option, it's your only option and you should go ahead.


Nouveau

What do I think? I think he's a "moron." No seriously. This is not someone who can help you. He obviously has zero experience with any type of addiction. How many alcoholics initially WANT treatment?? Um, gee, none. Does that make them not alcoholics? I had my rSA read that too and he was equally as floored by this guy's ignorance. My advice is find someone else. ANYONE else. Any psychologist who would put quotes around the word addiction obviously knows nothing about addiction, especially sex addiction. If he touts himself as a Sex and Relationship counselor he's one of those people that says ANYTHING sexual is healthy and will tell you that your SA viewing porn is normal and healthy. He would be dead wrong.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 11:48 PM, August 23rd (Monday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs... that was my immediate thoughts also!! I thought denial was a huge part of the addiction process, and that many addicts will not acknowledge they have a problem. And that when they do, it is a huge step for them.

Since when has compulsive porn use for over 14 years in lieu of intimacy with your partner not been a problem... or an addiction??? If he simply calls it "porn watching" and it is not the issue, it makes me wonder about him.

I didn't agree with his comments. But I wanted to be sure it wasn't just me over-reacting. Thank you 7. Don't worry, I have no intention of seeing this "doctor."


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
Aisling
♀ Member
Member # 25848
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

well. Where to start. Got more disclosure last weekend which I think puts my WS in the SA camp. On the one hand, it puts a name on it, on the other it wasn't just a one-off crappy period - it's been going on for years.

Here's my question: is there ever any peace now? Is it possible for someone to give it all up? This is so depressing - do I have years of dealing with this ahead of me?

Today's my birthday and he's away on business and my two Dr. Carne's books have just dropped through the letterbox. Happy birthday me

A xx


Me-BS(39); Him-WS(42)
Together 8 yrs, (were) engaged for July 2010, 2 children (his)
D-Day 12/10/09 - attemped EAs for mths, 1(known)PA
TT til 02/03/2011 - was never faithful
May 2011 - diagnosed SA, in therapy

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London
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