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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, July 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this yesterday in General when this thread was full. I really want to know if this is common or explainable behavior.

Some background. After confessing, H stopped (?) all acting out. It was how he "proved" he didn't have a problem because he could stop whenever he wanted. I know about "white knuckling" and didn't buy it.

Last weekend I asked if he would allow me to update the keylogger on the laptop as he was having overnights with the kids and he had internet access. His response was very defensive and he ended the conversation by saying he "would think about it." Now the program needs updating but IT STILL WORKS.

I don't know if H misunderstood and thinks the laptop is now clear and free for his activities. I don't know if he just doesn't care if I see all the activity. I don't know if he just lost control. Or if he lost control for other reasons.

He is in a new location. He may have had established fuck buddies before the new posting and not have needed the laptop for trolling until now. But as soon as he got to new location he got on Craigslist and spent 24 hours with almost no sleep trolling, posting, and answering ads. He has scheduled "appointments" and phone numbers.

But what is really creepy is that his phone calls home to speak to the children, he is very "nice" to me, unlike recently when he has been snippy and short tempered and rude. The apologies have started back up. "I made a lot of terrible mistakes." He is recalling good times and vacations and telling me how he misses all of that.

What is the connection between his binging behavior and the familiar man I married. And how creepy is it that in the throws of all of his sexual acting out he is more familiar than he was last week when he was here acting like an ass? I am so grateful for the knowledge of what he is up to so I am not drawn in by the charm and sweet talk. I can listen to his smooth voice and the "regrets" for his mistakes, and pull up the description of the rape scenario he described in an email in an attempt to get a "date."

Has the acting out taken the edge off and he is nicer because he has "relief?" Is duping me and being nice to me while acting out part of the fantasy?


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5287 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
lost_in_space
♀ Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cycle looks SO familiar to me.

They tend to angry when the need a 'fix' and then once they get it there is some relief and they get nice. It happens over and over again. The addict in my life even does it in regards to sex with me. He would get angry, then pushy for sex, like following me around grabbing and coming onto me until we had sex. Then he would ignore me and the cycle would start all over again. The sex with me is only when he's not acting out, otherwise he wants nothing to do with me. Literally wants me to be home, but doesn't interact with me at all unless absolutely necesary.

It does seem like your H did misunderstand and thinks that the laptop is free and clear. At least now you'll get a real portrait of what he's up to. My WH is so good with computers that he knows exactly how to cover his tracks. He's even gone so far as to use his parent's computer for his acting out to conceal it. That's why I don't bother with a keylogger. He'll find a way to act out if he wants. He's extremely resourceful about it.


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, July 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

caregiver9000,

Now that he's using his drug, he feels "better" so he can be nicer. Now that he's using his drug, he feels guilty and being nicer to you makes him feel justified in acting out, "I'm a nice guy and I DESERVE this (the acting out.)"

He thinks the laptop is free and clear and he thinks he's getting away with it.

My rSA agrees and he also said, "The answer is in her own words. He is familiar. He is in his familiar cycle of acting out. She is experiencing him as she always has when he was acting out."

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, July 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm...what you are describing doesn't sound familiar to me. That doesn't surprise me as I am coming to learn that "acting out" has many commonalities, but also individual differences.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, July 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things seem to be goint in a different direction around here. I confronted my WS about the online cheating/dating sites. I tild him that trickle truth and half-truths were only going to convince me that I wanted him out.

He tells me that at the time, he felt like it was all in the realm of fantasy. If he never acted on actually contacting or meeting people, he didn't think at the time that he was doing anything wrong. He had convinced himself that the only thing that counted as "wrong" would be a physical affair. He says he is beginning to see that he was very out of touch with reality and actually is an SA.

I hear him say these things and know that he actually believed this rationalization in his own head at the time. It's like when Bill Clinton said, "I did not have sex with that woman..." and believed it because he rationalized that oral sex wasn't sex somehow. It's convoluted and incomprehensible to ME, but I'm learning that it's quite normal for an SA.

He has started making phone calls to the other people on the phone list from meetings. I don't know what they discuss & don't want to know. I have seen small changes. He started talking to me about what he considers slippery behavior for him & talking about "circles of behavior". He has been acting less defensive & more present.

I really don't know if there is hope for us as a married couple. I am still determined no to decide about that right now. I am glad that he seems to be catching on to the way recovery can help him & he's started to actually get excited about the idea of getting healthier. I'm glad for HIM because no matter what happens with our marriage, I do want to have hope for him to be in recovery for himself.

I have my own work to do. There has been alot of damage.

[This message edited by Tal at 1:40 AM, July 25th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, July 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish we had our own Forum... and threads ....

I get that having forums for the various "issues" would make a bigger board... but it would sure help those of us suffering!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, July 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

caregiver9000 - Your experience is one that makes sense to me, sadly. My x would sometimes be very happy and affectionate when he as acting out.

Other times, I think when he felt more guilty and was thinking of leaving, he was mean and critical. Or he would pick fights about anything.

Other times he was apologetic -"I'm a bad boyfriend" "You deserve better" "I've done bad things in the past." etc. Vague confessions he would never go into.

There were times when he was just really distant and edgy. Before I knew what was going on I would call that his restless mood and tell him to go for a drive. He would do so, quite happily.

And I think the point 7years relays about "familiar" is way too important to overlook. Yes. totally.

I am glad you can hear through his charming voice and that you are armed with some knowledge. Keep your source a secret and keep your eyes and ears open. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Tal, I rarely heard any talk like that from my x. There i some hope in there, no?

Unbearably- what's up?


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, July 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, Unbearablysad, I meant to reply to your last post in the now-full "spouses/partners of sex addicts 4" topic.

You wrote about us not being "enabling doormats." It made me think of how different it sounds if I say that the SA I was with ENABLED me to be a co-addict.

You know?


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My rSA agrees and he also said, "The answer is in her own words. He is familiar. He is in his familiar cycle of acting out. She is experiencing him as she always has when he was acting out."

Thank you for these words. Thank you to your H for being so open and giving in his opinion. This statement finally, FINALLY helped me to make some sense of what I have been struggling with. He has always been an addict. He has always met his needs with his drug and been able to be kind and charming and nice. His "drug" for a long time was porn and not Craigslist, but the need and the addiction have always ruled him. There was no switch, no event that changed this person. There was no alien abduction, replacing the man with the monster. He was motivated to keep his secret and protect his drug.

It is comforting and sad that we share this experience. Thank you to all who have responded. The need to understand is great for me. This topic more than any other recently has helped me to grasp the truth.

This is a sisterhood I wish did not have to be, but I am grateful to have you all.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5287 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
TenaciousBW
♀ New Member
Member # 29058
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. I am new to this forum and struggling with all of this. Some background. Married 16 years. Found out 2 years ago everything-mulitple affairs, craigslist etc. Husband has been seeing a CSAT for around 7 months: 5 months with one and 2 months with the new one. Started 12 step program 2 months ago but hasnt started doing the steps and no sponsor. Hasnt really embraced recovery and goes back and forth on even admitting that he is a sex addict. Lots of blaming the marriage for the affairs and the acting out and is seems desperate not to be labeled a sex addict. Would rather even be labeled a love addict but noooooo way with all that he was involved in and he also keeps wanting to blame being unhappy in the marriage so "thats why he had multiple affairs...blah blah blah.....

I am struggling with so many things. When he first confessed the first year or so he seemed so intent on making the marriage work but this last year he is just so bitter and angry as he has started recovery. We currently have NO sex life what so ever. He hasnt tried to touch me in months. And when I do try to be intimate with him nothing happens. He spent a few months telling me he didnt love me anymore then taking it back then telling me he didnt love me anymore then taking it back. Now he tells me he loves me but says he is severely depressed and wishes he were dead. He stopped going to his 12 step for several weeks but started up again and is considering going back on anti depressants which he vowed he would never do.

I am having a hard time lately with feelings of jealousy. I cant stop feeling slighted over the effort he put into his relationship with is OW. He puts NO EFFORT into his relationship with me. Nothing. I have begged and pleaded and tried so hard to make this all work and stood by him through all of this but I am unappreciated completely. Every day I think about how he wooed her, romanced her, tried to make her feel special. He texted her 7 hours a day! Yet I can not get this man to give me 10 minutes of his time. Every time I ask him for the smallest thing like for example, walking next to me when we go somewhere instead of 10 paces ahead of me all the time you would think that I was asking him for the world. And I think I bet he never walked 10 paces ahead of "her" in fact I bet he even held her hand! Has anyone else been completed disregarded and ignored by their addict husband? Or is it just mine and that he just doesnt love me or want me at all?


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: United States
TooManyYears
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Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi TenaciousBW,

Welcome (not that any of us want to be here). What I would like to say about your WH is that he sounds nowhere near ready to embrace recovery, and is not in recovery at all. My H was an a$$hole for years. Yes, he never wanted to touch me. We had YEARS where if we had sex more than 2-3 times it was a miracle. So much neglect, that I contemplated an affair for the last few years, before my H hit rock bottom. When they really enter recovery, they become different people. I can't even believe the night and day difference. My H has been in recovery since October, and sometimes I look at him and say "who is this man?", in a good way, though.

My H had to hit rock bottom. For everyone that is a different place. My H has even admitted that he is SA for the last nine years, but that didn't help. He saw IC, he white knuckled at times. He lost the respect of his family (the kids and I), faced legal consequences for his acting out, and we separated for 3 months. Those things finally drove him to seek real help. He goes to a CSAT, 12 step group (and he does have a sponsor and is working the steps), and a therapy group run by his CSAT. His life is very recovery focused. Why did your WH change CSATs? I am sorry to say that there is nothing you can do for him if he doesn't want to accept that he is SA and to work on recovery.

However, you can work on YOU. I go to S-Anon and it has been the best thing I have ever done. I have had IC through the years, but it really didn't help me. Sitting around and talking to others who have BTDT and getting ideas on how to work on myself has been the best therapy ever. I keep in touch with my girls between meetings. I am there for them, they are there for me. It is great, because for so many years I kept all the dirty little secrets to myself. I couldn't even tell my best friends what was really happening in my life. That weighs a lot on us! Now, I can tell these ladies how I feel and they understand and don't judge. It is great. If you can find an S-Anon group in your area, I highly recommend it. I have also started to do things for me. I found that for so long I was focused on others...work, kids, husband, that I neglected myself. I am learning about myself, what makes me happy, and how to cut down on the stress/perfectionism that I have embraced my entire life.

I need to get going, but wanted to just let you know that you aren't alone in this. You need to plan for yourself and take care of YOU now. I am in a good place that I know I could leave him if he relapsed. Living with an active addict is hell, and I recommend that you get your ducks in a row. There is so much I wish I would have known years ago. The gift of hindsight, I guess. Keep posting. There is usually someone around.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
deceivedone10
Member
Member # 29042
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I broke up with my SA SO yesterday, after nearly getting engaged last week on our 4 year anniversary. But I do still have a question as I am desperately trying to understand SA.

He admits he could have been with Cindy Crawford and still cheated. He admits the problem is HIM, not me. I've done lots of reading on cheating/SA and it says that usually men cheat because something is missing within him--he is unhappy with himself/insecure/etc. So, I brought this up with my SO and pushed the subject. I said "So is something "missing" within you? Are you insecure? Why do you do what you do? Why do you need constant female attention?" He barely gave me any answers. I said "Are you insecure because of your career/not going to college?" No was his answer-he works a factory job and is happy with it. He finally said if he was insecure with anything, it was his looks. Which makes no sense in the grand scheme of things!! If he were so insecure about his looks, how in the world did he EVER have the confidence to approach and flirt and sleep with as many girls as he did. Granted, I must add, his addiction did more or less start behind the comfort of a computer screen--by chatting and emailing girls. Then it later progressed to going to bars and picking up women there. While with me in the last 4 years, he would email and chat with girls online and talk flirty with female "friends" behind my back.
I just don't understand. How in the world could he be insecure about his looks and do what he did. I guess I better add though that in high school he was a nobody--he grew up poor and didn't wear the cool clothes. After graduation, he got a job and was able to then buy the name brand clothes and shoes--to dress to impress I guess you could say. He also had bad front teeth. They disgusted me when we first me. A year into our relationship he paid $4000 to have them fixed. He claims nobody every teased him about his teeth and that he didn't think they were all that bad. Now they are perfect Crest commercial teeth.

Anyway, I guess I have trouble believing he was insecure about his looks.

ALso, since there are no SA meetings near me, and I'd really like to deal with the pain I endured of loving an addict and my co-dependency issues, do you think an AA class would let me in?? I need to talk to others about this. I think it will be very helpful in my recovery process.


Counting on Karma...

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jul 2010
TenaciousBW
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Member # 29058
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we had another horrible argument today because I asked him for a kissing date because we dont have sex anymore. He changed the date to a "I could lay next to him date". Give me a break! So I asked him if we couldnt even kiss anymore? Well he had a fit turned it into a huge fight and got verbally abusive saying horrible things like "you just dont make me hard anymore" " I just dont care and havent for years" "The worse thing I ever did was marry you" and etc. Then he left the house. I confronted him about not trying and worse KNOWING that he hadnt been trying. And that since we have an elementary school aged son he that should make a difference to him. He makes all the excuses like, itll never get better so why should he try, he lives in a world of key loggers...basically poor me (even tho I brought it on myself) and then of course he blames the marriage and not that he has a sex addiction. When I pointed out that he acted on the whole time he was "in love with the other woman" he said well I guess she wasnt "the one" either even tho he insists he "was in love with her". I told him he is always the victim and its always every one elses fault and maybe he should except the fact that he has a problem. But....no matter what I said was wrong....he said no one cares, when I pointed out he was the entire focus of the whole household every day and the world revolved around him then he got mad and said well then I will leave and you want have to worry about me anymore. So cant win no matter what we do here. He admits he isnt trying then says he isnt happy and life will never get any better so why should he try. Its so frustrating. He goes to his weekly CSAT meetings and his 12 step but he will NOT allow me into the sessions as the therapist wanted so there are no terms of sobriety established, he goes to 12 step but is not working the steps and no sponsor. He has signed up on facebook against his therapists wishes tho all his freinds are males minus 5 approved females. I told him I was going to file and he told me GREAT! He says the only way he can be happy is if he starts new somewhere else with no key loggers and no watching eye. I have no idea what to do. Dont know whether to throw in the towel or give it more time. He is severely depressed right now. Says he is at suicidal level. I dont know if this takes precedence obviously over him wanting to work on his sex addiciton. I have no idea what to do. I said I would give it a year. I mean how crap do you take? My son is 11. He wants a family but my husband does the minimal. He doesnt appear to be acting out but he isnt working on recovery either so does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? I really do need some. 7years betrayed? Do you have some advice?

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: United States
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tenacious,
I was going to send you a PM, but I think I should post to you here, so that any other input or insight can be shared.

Different viewpoints help, I think.

I think you saw it clearly when you said that you "can't win no matter what we do here."

At this point, with him not working at recovery, and being pretty much verbally abusive, you cannot win. You cannot heal, or progress, or have a marriage.

No matter which excuse he gives, you can show him logically it makes no sense. This makes him angry and his next excuse is uglier and more someone else's fault, and so on.

You will not be able to get honest healthy answers from him. He is hiding from himself.
You cannot convince an addict to "get it."

It's best to detach and take care of your own needs.

I remember all of the years of little to no sex.
Then when he was supposed to be celibate for 90 days, I felt that once again, he was determining when/how/why we would have sex. I was so frustrated with his control.
AHA, my sex life should be in my control.

My SAH admitted, when he was beginning to talk about his addiction and our relationship, that a part of the sex with us, was about control. He felt some kind of control with the women he acted out with, and he felt that with me, if he didn't initiate or be the one that made the choice, he wasn't in control. He did not realize at the time.


That is actually a part of the picture that deceivedone10 is looking for.

There is no one answer. You can say you don't buy that he is insecure, but it's in there.
This addiction is so complicated and so tied up in shame, that you can't find this nice tidy answer.
Even with years of recovery, there is no easy "why."
It goes back to childhood, FOO, and certain experiences at just the right (wrong) times.

If you don't know if you are ready to throw in the towel, then don't. You don't have to made decisions beyond those that keep you safe, healthy and hopefully healing on a daily basis.

Small steps. Boundaries.

Get yourself focused back on you.

You cannot change him, make him get serious.

You can only manage yourself.
Stop looking to him to help you. He can't.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
TenaciousBW
♀ New Member
Member # 29058
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Too Trusting. I always love your advice. My husband didnt show up after he left here. Ended up going into work 2 hours early. We talked on the phone. I told him I couldnt tolerate deliberately letting our marriage fall completely apart. I couldnt tolerate letting us become merely acquantances in our own home each day growing more and more distant. And I told him it shouldnt be ok with him since he claims that he cheated on me multiple times because he felt lonely and unloved and unnoticed. Bullshit! But thats besides the point. I told him I was lonely and he said so was he. I told him but he was lonely by choice because I was offering love and affection but I was being rejected by him. He agreed and agreed things should change and that things would change. I asked him why he was rejecting me. He said he didnt know. He said he didnt understand a lot of things. Probably the only real true statement out of his mouth. So I have come to accept that my husband is NOT truly in recovery and who knows when he will be tho he goes to his meetings, and I should detach like Too Trusting keeps advising me to do. I am not ready to divorce or throw in the towel just yet tho I will not tolerate being verbally abused. Not really sure how to proceed with the whole depression issue. He said he would call about getting back on medication which he swore he would never do so he must be feeling pretty desperate to be considering meds. This is so hard. I cant stand it. I wish I had a crystal ball to read the future. That would make life so much easier.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: United States
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading the recent posts of the last couple of days on this thread, it brings to mind something I read last night from a Patrick Carnes book.

It had been difficult for me that my SO cannot be completely remorseful to my pain, cannot really see the destruction that his SA has caused. The book said that recently "sober" SAs are in tremendous pain themselves. Their pain is so intense that they can feel little else. He can't see what he has done to you right now. He cannot feel your pain because of the terrible suffering he is in.

I know how much it hurts when you are in so much pain and crying and they act like a jerk, blameshift and can't own responsibility for what they have done! This has been a huge issue for me.

I hope that understanding this part will help you... and perhaps help me along this terrible journey.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tenacious,
You cannot tolerate letting the marriage fall apart. It already has.

He is incapable of being there for you in the way that you are seeking. SA is an intimacy disorder, and they are emotionally stunted.

Personally, living in the house as two civil people focusing only on their own recovery, is the best thing you can do for you.

I know that it feels like if if you do not focus on the marriage that it will die. It will never be healed without two healthy people. As Just Wow always says; a marriage can only be healthy if both partners are healthy.

I agree with Nouveau and want to add that along with that pain that comes when they start realizing how bad it is, is the denial and fear that they feel as they are resisting recovery. This addiction has been their friend from long before we were around. It's terrifying to think of giving it up.

This is not something you can make easier for him, though. You cannot show more understanding, or explain it to him, to make him embrace it sooner.

You cannot do anything about his depression either. You can only choose how you take care of you as he chooses how to deal with it along with recovery.

He has the resources. Its up to him to use them or not. You cannot guide him there.

If we look back at ourselves, it is sad to see how much effort we put into someone that pushes us away, and neglect ourselves in the process.
If we don't feel we are worth the effort, time, someone else sure shouldn't be expected to.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
TenaciousBW
♀ New Member
Member # 29058
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we don't feel we are worth the effort, time, someone else sure shouldn't be expected to.

As soon as I read this statement Too Trusting, I started to sob! You are so right! And I have felt so wrong about neglecting myself in order to be abused. Where have I gone? What happened to me? My husband said to me the other day "I am so sick of your patheticness". And you know what? SO AM I!!!!! But sometimes it seems the only way to gain back any of my self respect is to leave him and all this madness and I dont want to leave. I have to figure out boundries and what the heck I am doing. Maybe a seperation would be best.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: United States
Tal
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Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is incapable of being there for you in the way that you are seeking. SA is an intimacy disorder, and they are emotionally stunted.

Personally, living in the house as two civil people focusing only on their own recovery, is the best thing you can do for you.

I agree with these statements alot. I think that SA has very little to do with actual sex, and everything to do with having an intimacy disorder, needing control & being fearful of vulnerability in a relationship. In that way, my WS and I have similar problems. I just find healthier ways to cope with my "stuff".

Oddly, I am not seeing my husband as tense and angry due to being new in recovery. Since he has actually embraced the idea and started reading about it & calling other guys in the group, I am seeing less depression in him. It's like there is a relief & a hope to finally see a way out of the cycle.

We are not having physical intimacy yet. I don't know if and when that will occur. There has been a great deal of damage to my sexuality due to the SA.

I can say that with my WS being in the beginnings of recovery & me detaching & working on my own stuff more...we are at least talking on a more intimate level than we have in years.


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