Paper Roses… This is one thread. It is not a forum. The fine folks that post here all have had spouses that fooled us for over a year and in most cases years. For myself, my W had an affair for 8 years. This effects how you look at yourself. My whole sense of reality was gone.. wiped out in one day. For a long time, I looked back and I view myself as an idiot, stupid, blind, dim-witted, brainless… How in the world could it to go on for so long, why couldn’t I see it? All those questions have been answered for me. For me it was easy for my W. It was the circumstances. She worked with him and he owned the company. They could go away for long lunches, leave early from work.. day trips to other cities. He always paid so I never could follow the money. I travel for my job so odds were better for it to go on without being caught. She continued to fake it with me to the point it seemed normal (She lived the double life, not me). Of course, I trusted my wife too.. that was a choice then and still is today but I had no boundaries. That was also a key.. I had no Boundaries. I knew my W texted, called, the OM everyday often… everyday a 10-20 minute conversation during her commute home; he came over.. See, she had a relationship with him beyond business. Today, I have a boundary. I will Divorce my W if she needs to have a personal relationship with another man. Period. It is her choice to have one, but it will be without me. That means, no texting , no calls, no lunches, no drinks… This will protect my future happiness. I will not have to wonder if she is having another affair or not. It’s funny because once she tried to tell me that this is who she was.. friendly and needed friend.. lol…So once I had to protect that boundary already. She text her boss while I was at a Colts football game last year. I told her that hurt like a pocket knife stuck in my side. I told her she is starting another personal relationship with a man I don’t even know. I told her it is ok to start another relationship with a man, but that is her choice and it is outside my boundaries. I got pissed. Her friend called me a baby that day, I don’t care because I am protecting my own happiness. See, this boundary makes it a little more difficult to have another A. A second phone might be needed, a greater underground is needed.. I trust God will let me know. When you lie, cheat, you eventually end up slipping. It just happens. I’m stronger today. The fear of divorce was terrifying right after dday. It is no longer that for me. I am absolutely ready for a change in my life should my W decide to cheat again. My gift to her is a second chance to love me. If she doesn’t want to love me, then I have asked her to please just let me know. We both can go on and live different lives and all will be ok..
DevastatedTwice… I too have a fear too that my W could cheat on me again. Fear is a feeling and feeling are what they are. Who knows how long that feeling will hang with me? Maybe until the day I die… My W could be cheating on me right now and I don’t know it. However, I decided to trust her. The appearance is she is not cheating. I cannot control the choices she makes. So, I focusing on the choices I can make…I choose to trust her. I choose to do loving things for her… And if she decides to cheat again, that is her choice. If it does happen, then I am of the belief she cannot be a person to spend the rest of my life with. I’ll take a risk finding another good woman or stay single. But for now, I made a choice that I am changing. I am going to love my W and do everything kind, loving, possible... I made the decision to forgive, even if she leaves me I have already forgiven her for what happened...
Do you see how I think? how I feel? These things are acceptance.... It is hard to get here. Heck, I think time and visiting a group like we have here, is the only way to achieve acceptance.
Allgoodnamesgone.. I always thought if I could get through just one day without thinking about infidelity, I would then be ready to ask my W to renew her promise. I’m now coming to the realization that I still have some time to go before I’ll achieve just that one day to be normal again. This is my new norm. My W sent me a note yesterday that, “I am a blessing to her”. That made me feel good.
Anyways.. Peace out to all!
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:32 AM, July 27th (Tuesday)]
and if you have ever lost someone really close to you, you think about them all the time, but the pain of the loss takes on new emotion as time goes...
allgood: i like the idea of getting his ring fixed...i skimmed your thread in "r", you gots lots of responses, so many are positive....
dt: its so good to see that you can see past your pain to the positive about who you are now...i understand the resentment, i understand the hesitations...it is a process, and you will probably never fully trust him, you know though i thought with my family background i would never fully trust pfm (ws), i always thought i was holding back just a little bit, well i was wrong...i trusted him impicitly, and for me that trust is gone and will never be again...of this i am certain...
when someone can actually pull off a double life for such a long period of time, you learn that lying is a way of life for that person, it comes easy without hesitation, without even much guilt if any....because if the guilt were that bad (s)he would have stopped because of it....and if they really wanted out and didn't know how to achieve that, you now know that this person is easily motivated by others...not us, but others...oh well it is what it is....learning to live with this, moving on and becomming whole happy people is the goal...and this is for all of us whether or not we choose to "r"...
sorry i got long winded...i have a tendancy to that now and again..
paperroses: its good that you can see the progress and are still sticking it out....its also good that he gave you all the info from the getgo, having that is a gift that many of us never recieved....
i have new perceptions on gifts from others now....and my new perceptions are kind of ironic and sick in a twisted way...the gift of truth, even if that truth contains the most hurtful stuff like having sex with someone else, loving another, etc...
honest: its good to see you posting, keep it up and did you register for the tests for your masters???
fnf: you have a time sensitive pm dear heart..
and for all who lurk
I am so AFRAID that I am still living in WH's lies.
I am a sucka and a fixer by nature, okay not nature but being a ACoA and years of Sexual Abuse/Denial from my FOO.
I still see myself trying to fix things.
Then I get angry with myself, then I get angry with WH.
My first IC is tomorrow afternoon, WH's second IC is tomorrow evening.
I am stuck in the "oh my freaking GOD, why did you not just LEAVE me six years ago instead of denying it for six years creating an opportunity for me to doubt myself and fall into a major depression, like a stupid messed up woman" .... I mean, seriously?!?!?
I feel like I am two different people in the same mind/body..... I cannot even reconcile myself to myself... how do I reconcile myself to my WH?
wow, dday just last week. Anything and everything you feel is normal so early on. I was numb for a couple of months after my dday.
I am so AFRAID that I am still living in WH's lies.
That is understandable; trust is shot, especially after a LTA with years of deception. Your sitch is even more difficult with your WS still in contact through work. I read your thread in JFO, have you made the OW BS aware of the A? Do you feel that WS is giving you honesty and full transparency?
I still see myself trying to fix things.
You can only fix yourself, and once you get through the initial stages of anger and dismay, fixing and healing yourself will be enough to keep you busy. For now, eat something, drink water, exercise and journaling can be excellent outlest for the anger and other emotions that come washing through.
Can you find a good close friend to talk with?
Start a blog or journal...
BTW.. it took my W about 2 months to "get over" the OM... so no need to be afraid... yes, your H does have feelings for OW... But now the word is out, things are going to change and you are going to be better... with your H or without.
[This message edited by trynhard at 3:22 PM, July 27th (Tuesday)]
Keep posting here, there are extra wonderful people here on LTA.
I hope everyone else is doing ok and that it's quiet because it's summer and you are outside in the fresh air!!!
you are so so new, so so raw, what you must be feeling has to be so so overwhelming....i echo the others, you need to fix you first and foremost..now is not the time for you to make any decisions or choices....you need to let it all sink in and process it a bit...whether or not you reconcile should not matter right now,...all that should matter is getting a grasp on you....you need to be able to breathe, really breathe before deciding "r".....i see you are in ic and this is really good...do you have any other support....if you do utilize it.....whether it be someone to look after the kids for a couple of hours, or someone to have a glass a wine with..someone other then your ws......
i am sure you have been advised to go to the healing library, it really is full of info and some solace...
welcome to si (((let it be)))...
m3: you sound wonderful...yay for your vacation
hey honest i caught your advice to let it be....so what have you done for you lately???
Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?
It is fun getting to know all of you and listening to you talk!
Tryn, I get it! No questions..a thread..so we just talk!
Any time that you all are on together? I am PAC time?
I will write more later. H is home ..laid off...really needy...and I am sort of trying to be there for him...which I have nopt done for a long time.
You all sound great and so sorry you hurt and it does not go away.
Oh, tryn, about feeling stupid? I struggle with that but am getting better. I realized that my H worked hard to keep me unaware and is an excellent liar. He had been at it for 6 or more years.
Someone also thought I found out everything at one time...no ..lots of TT...but some things he did volunteer! Which is odd...but not really because some things he did not even know were cheating? He was delusional in his ability to deny and to lie to himself and to compartmentalize!
It drove me crazy...I allowed it to!
Better now just breath...breath!
I look forward to getting to know you all and being more familiar. I am going to try to hide the title..Long Term Affairs...that would help! I do not hide this site from my h..do not get me wrong. I just do not want to trigger him all of the time right now.
See u all later
Me, I'm doing very well with all this today. My M is good. It has taken much work... I attended Retrouvaille and that was every weekend for three months or so... It was hard to go but it made us aware of how we talk to each other... It was good for me.
and you were not stupid, none of us were or are...we chose to believe the one person you are supposed to believe, we chose to believe in our vows, we chose to believe in what is right and just...its our ws's who chose not to believe and to decieve......
and our members here are from all over...all over the usa, england and canada....and on some of the other forums i believe australia too....so with all the time differences s.i. is covered pretty much all the time....although in the threads/forums such as this one, most of the action takes place during certain times.....summer has vacations which slows it up some and weekends can be slow or i should say quiet...
[This message edited by fadingmemories at 10:51 AM, July 28th (Wednesday)]
Iwant… You know how bad I want just one normal day like it was before. True, I have come a long way. Today, I know I am "in touch with my own feelings" I can feel other folks pain today. Something I could not do before. I guess I was a cold feelings kinda man... but was always there if you needed help. So true, both my W and I are different people. She's not living a lie.. and me more compassionate... Who knows what God has planned for me.. I hope one day you can get to the place you want and need.
I am chuckling a little about treading lightly around my
Anyone who knows me would think that was sort of funny because I am far from easy on him and my friends are always suggesting I pull my claws in just a bit!
I do see why you would think that due to what I said...about not wanting to trigger him right now though.
He is not working and for the first time in five years I feel as if I want to be a little bit ..well...easy on him. For me that is PROGRESS! At least I think so. He is just very fragile and I am not withholding any real issues that I have with him...but in so far as my dealing with issues that I do not need his direct involvment ...I am just giving him some space from my stuff. Not at all like me. He is just really overwhelmed right now.
Speaking of which, I posted on Reconcilliation and this happens to me a lot and I would like feedback and I am certain I will get HONEST FEEDBACK here.
It seems when I post in a complaining way...and I am aware of the rules there but...for example my post ...the one I am now referring to is not more negative then the one that inspired it about resenting a husband giving away his "youthful" sexual years, which is also posted?
I posted about feeling that my husband gave away my younger years.
Somehow, I always feel as if I am being talked out of my feelings?
I understand ...sort of ...but...I am making the point that if given the chance...if I were young...I am saying to those out there...THINK ABOUT IT!
I guess ..am I percieved as the voice of gloom and doom and if so...more so than the wives who are resentful about their husbands declining sexual performance?
Just wondered...if so..I will stop...maybe...?
Well I guess in answer to my own question...it is rather anti-reconcilliation to say..."Don't waste the pretty!" :).
How do you all feel about what I am saying? I mean now, at 58 years of age...I too am still attractive..but my age IS a factor in why I stayed! Had I been 30 AND childless AND a professional...I likely would have left.
Why? Because even if my husband DOES love me...the book I refer to...for those who have not read it ...was written by a man to give woman common sense insight into how men...I would say also women think...and he is correct.
The book is titled, "He is Just Not That Into You" and then goes on to describe ..if he (she can be inserted)is into you would he do such and such.
I believe the author is correct when he states..He is just not that into you "if he cheats on you!"
Maybe now he/she IS INTO YOU? Maybe after almost losing you ..yada...yada...who knows...but at the time.
I have been single for maybe 15 years of my adult life...if I am "into" someone...I DO NOT WANT ANYONE ELSE.
Now we can say this is because I am a woman or some other reason...my personality...I am not as insecure as ..blah..blah!
Notice...I am not talking nor did I use the word LOVE...I just said..."He or she is not that into you" At the time.
For us LTA survivors...uggg...long time.
So, I face this and I say...if I had 30 or 40 years left and had no children to consider and I could support myself, I would look for someone I might ...that I am .. able to believe is "that into me".
I am not saying that finding someone "that into me" is impossible at 58. It most decidedly is not! It happens at our (my) age all the time!
I just do not have the energy to bother right now...and I AM unfortunately "that into" my husband.
Thanks again for allowing me a place to be and to express my feelings...you can see I have a lot of feelings.
I too have a fear too that my W could cheat on me again. Fear is a feeling and feeling are what they are. Who knows how long that feeling will hang with me? Maybe until the day I die… My W could be cheating on me right now and I don’t know it. However, I decided to trust her. The appearance is she is not cheating. I cannot control the choices she makes. So, I focusing on the choices I can make…I choose to trust her.
You and I share the same d-day-year--2005. My d-day anniversary is coming up in August. Five years in august.
I think to trust again after an LTA is almost impossible and maybe not even recommended. I mean they sort of warned us did they not? Our husbands and wives? They are changed ...we hope...but they have all made it clear that they are capable of lying to us ...lying very well..for years. so..I dont know about trust.
I have a friend whose husband had an LTA who says she completely trusts that he would never do it again. She believes he did not know or even suspect that he would cause this much pain and now ..knowing...he would not do it again.
I do not feel that way because I do not think they are thinking about us at the time and they will decieve themselves again...tell themselves whatever they need to hear...like "she will never find out" or whatever!
I think it is a crap shoot and we will know ...when we know. I guess as hard as this is, I have learned that there really is not safety...no SAFE option.
If I leave..I am alone and that has it's risks. I f I choose a new partner..that has risks. If I stay with this one..that has risks. I just need to decided how much I am willing to risk and do that.
Does that make sense?
I will say this, I feel the same at tryn..if FWH breaks any of my boundaries, or has another A....I am out...I will leave. I don't care if I'm 65...I AM OUT.
But I am still resentful that he wasn't honest with me 12 years ago. He was and is still a coward in my eyes. He wasn't "that into me then" but after realizing he was going to lose me "he's into me now?" Hmmmmm He says he never realized how much he really loved me until he was about to lose me.
Yesterday I just found out he has a tumor in his bladder which has to come out ASAP. It's either benigh or malignant. He keeps telling me that he's thankful he has me. Nurse Nofun to the rescue, as always!!! Why is the Karma bus hitting me?