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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And M3.. I do get it... but, the story is never over.. the saga continues...

True, but the part of the story that needed SI to vent is over.

Hopefully I can help someone else.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: pfm's actions aren't that bad, that is until you couple it with several factors...the first factor is the main reason i allow him to stay is to repair the damage he created with manchild, the one he was in the altercation with..second, he was putting manchild on the carpet for something stupid, talk to the boy, tell him to please try and remember next time, instead of yelling how he needs to teach him a lesson...(pfm is noone to be teaching anyone any lesson) then third, the phrase that got me to my feet was how he (pfm) is running around like crazy for everything...well he didn't mind running for all his fucking women, all his fucking family, his fucking friends and his fucking business,meanwhile i went through much alone...he taught me that i don't need him, but worse he now taught me that for the right person he will do and go through any lengths without complaint, often over above evertyhing...and here we are, obviously not the right people...

so take those 3 things into consideration and all i wanted to do was tell him to leave, but instead i reamed him out...tabling my instinct of throwing him out again, because that would be acting on raw emotion...

anyways, it is what it is, i am starting to see shade of the old pfm, and i hope for my kids thats all it ever comes to be....

m3: i am so so confused...you seem to be all over the place in what you expect from the near future in your marriage....i hope the place in youre in now lasts, but i am thinkin that either your hormones or your meds are playing a bit of havoc with you...take things really slow...jumping into the fire instead of taking the time to savor the experience so to speak...savor it and realize it for what it truly is...taking all one step, one day at a time......and as tryn as said, this is not the end but only the beginning of a new journey together...and until you get into the new rythym take it slow...


iced tea ats.. ...pino grigio... and fnf
water...full of shit...i may have had an aha moment...pfm drinks so so much water..


any marriage that is in reconcilliation or seeking reconcilliation need to acknoweldge the day for what it is....it is the day you initially committed to one another to become family...was the committment dishonored...you bet...but now it is being acknowledged and the behavior corrected and now the committment is and should be stronger then it was before...both parties now know what they stand to lose, both parties now appreciate what they had before in a way that never would have been realized if it weren't for this experience...your joys together as a couple should be that much more special because of the tragedy that was shared...so yes anniversaries need to be acknowledged, do they hold the same meaning ...no...but we can assign new meaning...and i think recommitment ceremonies, no matter how simple or elaborate are a wonderful idea to help mark the new vows that are made out loud to do justice to what is...

o.k. coming down of the soapbox now...wishing for all of you what will not be for me...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: i am so so confused...you seem to be all over the place in what you expect from the near future in your marriage....i hope the place in youre in now lasts, but i am thinkin that either your hormones or your meds are playing a bit of havoc with you...take things really slow...jumping into the fire instead of taking the time to savor the experience so to speak...savor it and realize it for what it truly is...taking all one step, one day at a time......and as tryn as said, this is not the end but only the beginning of a new journey together...and until you get into the new rythym take it slow...


I know that sounded confusing.

No, I actually expect the near future of my marriage to be really, really hard. Contentious. BUT something happened today that has never happened before. I got really angry and he didn't retreat and he also told me why he used to retreat and he told me how he was feeling about what I was angry about and I told him why he was misinterpreting what it was about the event that made me angry etc. etc. and we saw each others points of view and understood them and saw how easy it was for each of us to make just a little change that would make a big difference and he gave me a "you always" that I (rightfully) pointed out "yes, I used to do taht and it was really wrong and I'm very sorry, but no, I didn't just do that and I don't do that anymore and I won't do that anymore and when was the last time I even did that" and I gave him a different "you always" that he could say the same thing about... and I told him that I told him that it makes no logical sense to trust him, it's a blind leap of faith and it makes me feel like a sucker and an asshole and he agreed but assured me that he's worth it, that he won't let me down again and he's not ever going to be that person anymore and that he knows there will be a lot of hard days and it will take time but it's going to get better little by little ... and that I should get angry at him when I'm angry at him!

Now do you see the BIG difference? CHANGE. A genuine paradigm shift. Constructive communication. A willingngess to identify problems on both sides and resolve them. A willingness and ability on both sides to understand the perspective of the other. An ability to have a big fight and no one ran away or called names and we even kissed and made up.

It's not going to be a bed of roses yet, but the breakthrough to get it all there -- it's done. I want to plant a garden. I've got a big patch of grass, two shovels, a hose, some fertilzer and some TINY potted plants. It's a long way from here to a big, luch garden. I've got to rip up the sod, turn over the soil, plant the plants, water them and feed them and do that water and feed part over and over. They'll be big and lush in about 3 years if I care for them properly. But I have everything I need to get the job done. That's the difference. See? Now I can talk to HIM about the things I've been venting about. He's listening and he's not running away and he's changing and he's also finally asking me to change, etc. etc. So, while there is a good stretch of road ahead, it's FINALLY something we can navigate together.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I've finally caught up a bit.

Ats: Thank you for all your support. I like how you described how boundaries are how much we are willing to let others hurt us, intentionally or not.
I'm so happy that your WW seems to be "getting it". It's such wonderful news. My feeling from your posts is that in your wife's case, it was a lot of FOO problems that she was dealing with, and she is addressing that. You both are addressing the problems in your marriage. You guys are having a NEW marriage. DO NOT repair the old ring. You are not repairing the old marriage. That's over. You are building a NEW marriage and relationship. Buy NEW rings when you are ready symbolizing the NEW beginning.

Dip: You are in my thoughts and I hope that your business venture is going well.

NJgal: Thank you for all your kind words and wisdom. I don't believe WH will "kidnap" DS's per se, but I AM afraid that if we go there WH might talk himself into that it's better for DS's over there because of less crime, drugs, etc, being better with thier father, etc. WH might try to keep them there, but not from me. I will have to stay by default. I fully believe he would NOT do it as revenge or to be mean, but with a twisted sense of logic. The chances he might do this? I'm not sure. But I am realizing that even a 10% or 5% chance is not worth taking.
I am so happy that you and NJguy got to talk and had a great weekend!!! I love the story about how you made a promise to each other in front of your minister to TRY.

Allgood: I agree with NJgal about your WH being an alcoholic. My xWH is a very very controlled alcoholic. He NEVER drank in the house. We didn't even have beer in the house!! But, once he started "with the guys" he didn't know how to stop until he was drunk. There were times that he wouldn't have a drop for weeks or even a month or more. But it took him being out of the house for a few months to realize that the rest of the world didn't live like that.

Forgive: You are right, it would be heartbreaking for me to go over there right now. I'm so sorry about your mold problem. We have one too, and it's so hard to get rid of it!!

M3: Congrats on Baby Paddy's Baptism!! What wonderful news. I'll bet she looked like an angel. God bless her. I am happy to hear that you and WH are starting to make progress. I agree, sometimes it is darkest before the light shines.

LostHeart: Yes, I am VERY vulnerable and weak. You see with a clear heart. Thank you for the link. I will try to read it later.
I am so sorry you were put in doubt about your IC. I have discovered that people who have never gone into a true depression have no concept of the depth and despair and pain it entails. I know I didn't fully understand before I went into a "clinical depression" when my first xWH left. People mean well, they truly try to understand and empathize, but they fully don't understand it. That's why so many say things like,"Snap out of it". Your mother means well and it trying to help with her suggestions, but you need your IC. It's like the well intentioned told my mother who had low blood sugar to eat more sugar, when she needed more protein snacks and treat it like diabetes. Going to your IC is NOT selfish. This is survival!! For yourself and your children. Would you think it's selfish if you were going to a cardiologist or another doctor? Keep on healing. This is NOT selfish. Taking care of you is a way for you to take care of yourself and your family. (this is all said with care!!)

Miracle: I am so sorry that pfm acted like that!! I truly understand where your anger is coming from!! a PM for you.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: thank you so very much for taking the time to answer me.
You are right, I have set a boundary already. I will NOT share my husband.
I do need to move on with my life. For the past year, I have just been surviving. I saw my IC today and I discussed some of the things that were suggested on our LTA forum. I said that I realize that I was close to suicide this past year, and she did admit that she was very worried about me several times. I know she had suggested more than once about me going into a hospital.

This is why I am so grateful to everyone here. You guys have literally helped save my life with all your support!!! I pray for everyone here to be healed an to find happiness.

You have made some very good suggestions, Tryn, but moving is not something I want to do. There is a difference between "I can't" and I don't want to. I have been displaced for over 10 years of being a ping pong ball from here to there. I need to stay in one place. I am finally making some friends and a support system. Besides, my two older sons and my mother live near. I also do not want to uproot DS's 11 and 15. They have had enough of being here and there too and need some security.

BUT, you are right, a grant may be a possibility. I do need to be independent. I am making plans and making baby steps toward that.
I am finally realizing that WH wants me to "pull the trigger", but my gut says "NO", let him do it. I have learned to listen to my gut. This is not an emotional response, but a true gut feeling and I know I'm right about that.

Thank you everyone in our tribe. You guys are wonderful!!!


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...BUT something happened today that has never happened before. I got really angry and he didn't retreat and he also told me why he used to retreat and he told me how he was feeling...

Congratulations m3. As FWW and I are finding out, understanding and implementing are not always the same thing (see my posts from a week ago) Still, every time we fall out and then come back and to dispel the anger and close the loop it gives us confidence that the next time will not be the final time. I am reading, and FWW is skimming, Crucial Conversations, tools for talking when stakes are high. I am really trying to learn how to build safety in our discussions, and to recognize early when our conversations are becoming unsafe and be able to step out and create the safety again. FWIW, FWW and I spent much time this weekend both in the backyard and in our M weeding, trimming, transplanting, watering and fertilizing. I have always liked the garden analogies for a M, and just as you wrote, there are no instant gardens, they take time and tending.

...both parties now know what they stand to lose...

iwan, just on Saturday I told FWW that I was feeling some tension, but that it was good. Compared to after dday when we both felt we might as well try to be honest with each other because we had nothing to lose, I now am now reinvesting in our relationship, and feel that I again have something to lose. It is good to have something of value, but it also brings fear of losing it again.

Is it possible that keeping pfm around fulltime with the inherent tension may actually make his relationships with manchild and the other children worse?

BTW, I HAD to help drink the pinot grigio , it was awful wine, but FWW wanted the unique bottle for her bottle tree.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: we were cross posting.

That is really wonderful news!! There is a breakthrough. There is a lot of hard work ahead a lot of ups and downs, but you seem you to be going down the road together!!! I am so happy for you. Please continue to post to let us know the ups and downs!!


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 i now understand...i still think you need to slow down a bit..changes are a process like this whole damned journey..and processes take time, trial and error...tread slowly, and we will be here for you whenever you need...

and congrats on baby paddy baptism..she must have looked totally edible..

ats: there is this saying that is so far proven every time...what you fear you create...so i totally understand the fear of losing her now, the reality of the possibility is there ever present...but if you are both mindful of it and nurture each other the fear should be weeded out in time, hopefully with an appreciation of all that has been acomplished and enjoying the fruits of your labor minus the fears..


as for me and pfm...this version of him is a far cry from the one he used to be..i am really used to his idiocacy...it still makes me mad, but i don't dwell on it anymore, i am learning to release my anger....as for my kids..if he leaves he will lose them, of this i have no doubts...his only chance is to remain in the home..and since i know that this is really the best course for my kids i am allowing it...but should he cross my new boundaries of his role here i wouldn't think twice of throwing his ass out of here...i will no longer tolerate the pfm of old...and everytime the shades of old surface, you can bet i am on top of it...and if he doesn't get a grip on it, he's outta here...and that really is all there is to it...would i personally be better off with him gone..well that has a 2 part answer...i personally without my kids will welcome it, since i no longer want anything to do with him...then there is that 2nd part..he is still the father of my kids which means he is family and will remain so for the duration of our lives...if i throw him out now, my kids, especially my boys will be miserable...miserable kids will make a miserable mommy...then add the financial strain on top of that whilst they are in college and now we are all miserable...at least this way i am the only one miserable...i could care less about pfm's misery..he created this mess, he could live with it, and aside from that he should be counting the blessings that he has right now in making all of what he's done right with his kids...before its too late and they are lost forever to him...which for them would be tragic, not because he is a great dad...but because "daddy issues" will follow them in future relationships..

o.k. gotta go do dinner...

bbl


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal: I reread your post and missed this line, but very important!! 15 year olds sometimes want things that aren't good for them!! Even teens can make you doubt yourself!

Miracle: I wish there was some way that you are NOT miserable. I understand what you are saying, but in the long run, if Mommy is miserable, kids sense it no matter how good an actress you are. They know and you are close to your wonderful kids. They can sense it, I'm sure.
I truly understand what you are saying about the finances and the kids being miserable, but you need to come to a place of peace for you and thus your kids.
{{{{Miracle}}}}

ETA: I talked to WH today and he was going on about going over there the end of August and I told him we were not going at this time. We started to argue, don't remember the details, I think I tend to block these things out. WH was saying about how bad I treat him!!!! I bad I talk to him!!! I said I'm getting off and we'll talk later when we are both calmer.

I cried my eyes out, no one was home and I actually screamed and shouted. I ended up calling him back and said I didn't want to be arguing. I don't want us to be mean to each other and continue to be kind to one another. We talked better. I started to cry and told him the truth: I was scared. First he was angry and then ok. I told him I want him to sign an agreement that I would have physical custody of the kids and 50/50 on everything (all decisions as to school, sports, going special places, etc) He said he would.
I stood my ground!!! He agreed!!!! He seemed to understand my fears. This is not R, I know. It doesn't change the M sitch, but at least there was some progress with allaying my fears. I am not changing my mind, nor did he try to. We are not going in August. But I feel better, because I was so afraid. If WH shows more signs of good faith, and signs that agreement, we'll see about the future (plus DS11 (soon to be 12)) will be older. I was so tired of living in fear. LOL, scared of being scared.
IC told me that I would go down when WH comes, and then when he left, I would act like things were the way they were before, and that's why I was getting disappointed all over again. She is completely right.

I have to keep going. It's so sad. I am grieving. I know the marriage is over. We need to work out some kind of co-parenting/ civil relationship. I have to go on and let go emotionally of him. I must detach. Baby steps.

I want to thank each and every one of you with all my heart. Even a small word or sentence from each of you has helped. I was able to keep my boundaries with your support. I can't thank you enough, just know that I say a prayer for each and everyone of you everyday that you all will find peace and happiness and I pray that I can help any one of you in my small way too.

I love you all!!!!

{{{{{Tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:
I told him we were not going at this time.

BRAVO! BRAVO! (standing ovation!)

And again:

I said I'm getting off and we'll talk later when we are both calmer
.

Good for you !

Miracle: you said "everytime the shades of old surface, you can bet i am on top of it." I get it. That makes A LOT of sense.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:16 PM, July 19th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job re-initiating the conversation and keeping your boundaries honest.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest....
So proud of the way you handled things!
It really is best not to risk your children going out of the country under the circumstances....and actually, all of the stories that I have heard of ...the reason the foreign born spouse gave for keeping the children and not allowing them to go back to the US was not for revenge....instead , the Arabic stories were usually due to the fact that they thought life would be better for the kids in the home country....that the US was too liberal, not religious enough etc. Other stories were that they wanted the children to stay because they loved them and missed the kids and wanted to make sure that the American children could be immersed in their culture and stay with their grandparents and cousins....
so, what I'm saying Honest... is that there are lots of excuses the foreign parent uses to justify keeping the children in the foreign country...and , unfortunately, the US embassy can't do anything about it.
Great decision...not to go now... while so much is uncertain in terms of your marriage, divorce, etc. Emotions are high....
Why can't your husbands family come to the US to visit you and your children?
and... have you ever gotten as far as to consult an attorney in your state and find out what your divorce would look like? how the assets would be divided? what would your husband have to pay for child support etc.? would you qualify for alimony?
Don't assume that after divorce you will be broke.
My sister's husband divorced her when her children were young.... she had been a stay at home mom but just started working again..when he moved out.
After the divorce she was much more financially set than she was pre divorce. She was working full time and made a nice income... plus her husband had to pay child support for both children and because it was a long term marriage (longer than 15 yrs)and she had put her career on hold for a number of years she also got alimony.So, after the divorce...she was able to live quite comfortably. She bought her house from her ex...and was able to fix it up (something that he never wanted to do)...both of her children were very successful in school, graduated college with honors and one just finished medical school...
so... things can work out after divorce.
What are the laws like in your state?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

i too am standing and applauding you for your courage, your fortitude and your forsight to know that the only way out of this mess is with some finesse....well done lady, well done.....

and for your pain i am so so sorry....the only way to get over it is to go through it....but once you go through it completely through it it will get easier....

and i am saddened that you were suicidal, i understand that pain, but i am so happy for your kids especially that you went through it to survive it....and i am happy for us here at si, we like you, you have become a freind, and the world is a better place with you in it...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm back from Vacation and it took me 3 days to read and catch up.

Honest - I'm applauding but also sorry you are in so much pain.

I'll just hang out and lurk for awhile until I have something constructive to say.

(((((tribe)))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spectacular, Honest! Spec-freakin-tacular!

Let me know if you figure out anything about detaching. It's SO hard.

Miracle -- is there anything pfm could do to make things right between you? Let's say he had some magical epiphany all of a sudden -- is there a way he could make it right?

I read his post in wayward. He was getting slammed by the other WS's. I think it applies to US too though -- I think LTA BS's especially are also in the fog.

You have to separate whats good in the M from whats dysfunctional in the M just because that dysfunction would have been there until it was addressed from the dysfunction that was part of the A from the A from the dissonance of not knowing there was an A and wondering WTF your WS's problem is/was ... it's a lot.

Anyway, I digress, the point is: they were telling him he needs to be working on him for HIM, not for you. We need to remember this about ourselves too. I see the success of applying this advice so much in tryn and dip especially. Tryn is the ultimate example to me of healthy detachment of the kind I would like to cultivate. He loves his wife, is involved in his marriage, but he knows who he is, and that he can handle whatever she throws his way.

I think we each need to be able to walk through the world not only saying "My me is not about you." but also knowing what "My me" IS about (for you.)

m3 i now understand...i still think you need to slow down a bit..

I'm not going that fast. All I asked for was to repaint the living room. A very simple start.

Miracle -- my WH also taught me not to need him. I too have a lot of resentment about that.
So, yeah, I getcha.
But have you considered this: I also taught me not to need him. I allowed the situation to exist where everything got done without him. I lived like a single mom. So, while it sucks that he wanted it that way, part of it is on me too. And, here's the 2X4 - you're in the same boat.

I really liked the article about Passive Agressiveness. Very awesome and useful; thanks so much for sharing it.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: i was thinkin about you this am on my walk..wondering where you were...i hope your vacation was a good one, peaceful and restorative for you..


m3: pfm was told exactly what he needed to do over and over, he chose not to...the man still hides things, still lies and basically he is who he is...as much as he has changed from the monster he was, i still needed what i needed...i put off my needs in this marriage from the getgo, always waiting for him to come through with empty promises...i believed him over and over...well he destroyed that...never again...pfm needs much more then a miracle, he needs for me to develop amnesia ontop ot that miracle...my memory may has its' moments...but it would really take a case of amnesia like in those soap opera's...and that is very unlikely to happen..

and i agree with you on some of your points, we teach people how to treat us...at the time though i thought his reasons were honorable, misguided but honorable, now i know better...

and when i said to take it slow, i was not talking about painting... ...more along the lines of expectation levels, hopes and dreams...dreams are wonderful until they turn into your worst nightmare...i think for your heart you need to tread lightly, no one changes overnite, and habits are hard to break...so if you expect some downslides now and then i think you will feel better prepared and more apt to deal is all...the hurt will come no matter what you do, but if you keep your expectation level at a reasonable pace, the hurt will be minimized because you can't be disappointed in what you didn't expect...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think for your heart you need to tread lightly, no one changes overnite

I didn't expect him to change at all. I honestly expected him to be gone by now.

He absolutely broke the rules and broke NC -- that is what the fight was about. I knew he would. He claimed he didn't know what the rules were -- it wasn't that bad -- ya did da.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now do you see the BIG difference? CHANGE. A genuine paradigm shift. Constructive communication. A willingngess to identify problems on both sides and resolve them. A willingness and ability on both sides to understand the perspective of the other. An ability to have a big fight and no one ran away or called names and we even kissed and made up.

you were not expecting it, but it came....and whether or not it will stick is what remains to be seen..

i hope so, i really hope so, i pray for it for you and your kids..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent a week at my beach house. It was so peaceful, we had a great week together and we had some good discussion about FWH A.

He said he was very bitter towards OW and he hoped he never saw her again as long as he lives. He also said that if he did see her, he would turn his head and walk away. He said I was right.."OW is the kind of Woman that he never had repect for". She was the woman he used to talk about in a negative way." "She was the woman that never put her kids first, left them alone while she went bar hopping while she was still married." Then wondered why her kids disrespected her, why her son called her a F... C...and then proceeded to take her coffee table and throw it through the sliding glass door. Finally after one year, he sees her for what she really is...a home wrecking whore. It felt good to hear him say this.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
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Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I'm glad there was a breakthrough. Be ready for the ups and downs that will inevitably come, and I will pray that all goes well for you.

Nofun: I'm happy that you had a relaxing time away. The things you talked about with WH are a step forward. I know you needed to hear what he said. Hopefully, he will get it for himself and you.

Miracle: Hang in there as much as possible. I pray that someday pfm will do what he is supposed to do.

Thank you all for your applause. I am working on all my boundaries. I did tell WH when I spoke to him that I will always stay the same, I am not a person who ever seeks revenge, am always kind to people, BUT I will not allow him to hurt me any longer. I bent over enough, if I bend any more I'll break.


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