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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: thank you for taking the time & energy to respond. Usually I see that my H is different, it's the flashes of the old him that set me back, sometimes for weeks at a time & then the negative self-talk begins...
I will try to stay positive even though I'm a glass half empty kind of a girl (wish I wasnt) and keep your thoughts in mind. It's very, very hard for me thought as I was not a very trusting person to begin with. But, I will try.
Peace all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where the Hell is everyone today?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: That was a wonderful post. I agree with you that in order to have a full R, it is optimal to forgive WS and it is a decision to make that you will someday do this.

It is difficult or impossible to start to forgive a spouse who is not remorseful and is still hurting you. I believe it is possible to choose to want to forgive a WS who is remorseful and is making an effort to change, even though they are not doing all the right things either because they don't know how, or never learned how to actually be in a relationship.

Allgood: I was wondering where everyone has been too!

My mother finally went home. I am so tired and frustrated. Because of SI and IC I am realizing why I put up with so much crap from WH: I was trained to do so because of my BPD mother. Trained to allow others to be first and to treat me badly


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: That was a wonderful post. I agree with you that in order to have a full R, it is optimal to forgive WS and it is a decision to make that you will someday do this.

It is difficult or impossible to start to forgive a spouse who is not remorseful and is still hurting you. I believe it is possible to choose to want to forgive a WS who is remorseful and is making an effort to change, even though they are not doing all the right things either because they don't know how, or never learned how to actually be in a relationship.

Allgood: I was wondering where everyone has been too!

My mother finally went home. I am so tired and frustrated. Because of SI and IC I am realizing why I put up with so much crap from WH: I was trained to do so because of my BPD mother. Trained to allow others to be first and to treat me badly.

Understanding this, is the first step, though. It's hard to change my behaviors and to train myself not to allow others to verbally or emotionally abuse me.

I was watching "Kate and Leopold" last night and I ended up crying. My WH used to say and do all the "right" and romantic things. Then, just say the right things, the things I wanted to hear. I allowed myself to settle for the superficial words because I wanted to believe them so very badly. As long as I behaved "right", I got those words. WH did act romantic like Leopold..... ACT is the key word.
I don't know if I feel worse that it was an act or that I fell for it. Probably both.

Miss everyone so much!! I hope the reason no one is here is because you guys are having a fun time!

{{{{{tribe}}}}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 7:13 PM, July 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, this day has just raced by. I picked up FWW for lunch and then we went to the bank to work on finances. Most of the M we did not communicate or coordinate well, and our finances are about as jumbled as our relationship. Until the recession, we were able to tolerate all the sloppiness, but since FWW was fired and then been under-employed, it has been tough. Today she started work to round up all the various retirement plans she has, I think the number is about 6, and roll them into an IRA in our bank. This will also make some funds available for disbursement to help with DS18 college expenses for the first year while things are tight. After work, I met FWW at her office to help prepare for a grant. Tonight we went looking for a new cell phone for FWW. After busting up two phones in anger in the weeks after dday, she was relegated to an old Razor phone. Things seem OK now to get her an upgrade. I will get the full insurance though.

It's hard to change my behaviors…

honesttoafault, you are so right on this, and I appreciate the encouragement from folks like you who can see the change from a distance. Up here and real close, FWW and I have trouble seeing it all the time, but MC says he sees significant change in our behavior too.

As long as I behaved "right", I got those words.

I got sex and felt loved. God we were pathetic. I worry how badly FWW and I have screwed up our kids by “teaching” them this behavior.

Allgoodnamesgone, I hope you had fun on your birthday night out tonight.

iwan said they were coming to Florida, I have been looking around, but haven’t seen them. I hope they are buying many taxable items.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:55 PM, July 9th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault... You will need to forgive you H too... True, your H is hurting you right now. He is abusing you. I hope you have the strenght to move forward... File separation agreement... We are luck to have allgood here if we need her professional advice. Tell him you need a full time partner in life. Make him feel safe with his choice in life and you will be rewarded... You can plan and plan.. and plan. But execution is what you need. It will be hard and you will struggle... but if you make good decisions, you will win in life...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:12 AM, July 10th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flying in quickly just to say Tryn’- Briliant post. Spot on. Thanks. I’ve not read any books on forgiveness, only articles. I have an e-book which I might do better to print off and read chapter by chapter. I’ve only read the into, but it has this paragraph:
……. an open-palmed, free flowing willingness to care for ourselves, be genuinely interested in and concerned about ourselves, be affectionate and rigorously honest with ourselves so that we can take charge of our lives and prevent our abusers from continuing to take from us the joy we so richly deserve. Born of that process – eventually – is the experience of compassion for the abuser. But that compassion comes on its own, unaided by our own will. The use of will power in this process of forgiving should not be to force oneself to be kind and compassionate toward the offender, but to be kind and compassionate toward oneself while keeping our focus on this discipline of self love and self honesty.

If you understand that paragraph completely, then you need read no further.

Obviously, I need to read on.

Gotta go. Have a good rest of the weekend everybody. Big hugs – love you all!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

……. an open-palmed, free flowing willingness to care for ourselves, be genuinely interested in and concerned about ourselves, be affectionate and rigorously honest with ourselves so that we can take charge of our lives and prevent our abusers from continuing to take from us the joy we so richly deserve. Born of that process – eventually – is the experience of compassion for the abuser. But that compassion comes on its own, unaided by our own will. The use of will power in this process of forgiving should not be to force oneself to be kind and compassionate toward the offender, but to be kind and compassionate toward oneself while keeping our focus on this discipline of self love and self honesty.
If you understand that paragraph completely, then you need read no further.

I get it.

This really is what Tryn says. Take care of yourself, with boundaries of what you will accept (nothing hurtful) from others. We take care of ourselves, and do not allow the actions of others to take us away from the joy we deserve. This is the idea of the 180 to protect and work on you while a WS is still in the fog, on the fence, or actively in the A.

In the same vein, if we focus on positive “love deposit” actions towards a FWS we are trying to R with, there is no reason for FWS to create a boundary between us. If we both focus on not hurting the other, then we will grow our relationship, and as a natural consequence of that growth, forgiveness will occur with no intentional effort or focus on the desire for forgiveness itself. The focus must be on taking charge of our lives and protecting ourselves from abusers.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:34 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.. I owe you an apologie… In no way should I tell you what to do… This is your decision. Last night, my W and I had dinner with my best friend and some of his friends. One lady, now D, told us about her 19 year marriage and one day her H said he wanted a D. She was shocked! I don’t know why because I didn’t ask but I suppose since he’s now with a much younger woman and that happened very soon, it was too infidelity. Yes, I hurt when she told her story. Infidelity seems never elude me. But you did come to mind… and something within me wanted to make that post. As I read it today, I just think it was a controlling, demanding and not in anyway I should be pushing that on someone. But the lady was saying how bitter she was and the D lasted over year. It finally got settled when they both sat down and just very kindly worked it out… so my real advice is to kindly move forward. Not necessarily looking for new relationship or not.. but keep moving forward. Fact is, we all got thrown away. We all got dumped. Just some of our spouses were too afraid or could not in some way leave us… I do admit that at times, I do wish my W and OM would have just gone on together… This comment is said because I still get sad. I still think about this stuff and I just want to live today... I am living a good M... I know I am still in some depression. If my W would have moved on, I’m sure by now I would have had several days living today without infidelity hurts.. For me, I know I would have had my ego stroked many times by some fine women.. it would have been exciting… etc… but I am also sure that I would not know how to get to the “awaking” in a relationship either. God must have had something in mind for me to work hard on my M. So please accept my pushiness as nothing but my own opinion that I think will lead you to a happier place. You are so sweet and I want you to be happy…

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:49 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK.. There are alot of books and articles on forgivness..

I like the SI post...

THOUGHTS ON FORGIVENESS
Here is the simplest definition of forgiveness that we received from our Christian Therapist.

Forgiveness means turning away from our own justice and letting God deliver His justice.

If you no longer want to seek revenge on your spouse or pay them back or even the score, then I would say that you have forgiven them.

It doesn't mean that you have forgotten or that you are healed or that you are not in tremendous pain or that you are no longer angry.

Forgiveness doesn't need to be asked for, in order to grant it. It is a gift we give ourselves.

Erica

what forgiveness is
OLD RESENTMENTS AND FAILED EXPECTATIONS OFTEN INTERFERE WITH THE ENJOYMENT OF OUR LIVES -- TRY TO IDENTIFY THE PAIN AND MOVE ON.

Forgiveness is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment. If you are a parent, you can provide a wonderful model for your children by forgiving. If they observe your reconciliation with friends or family members who have wronged you, perhaps they will learn not to harbor resentment over the ways in which you may have disappointed them. Even if you are not a parent, forgiveness is still an extremely valuable skill to have. In the movie Avalon, the uncle stopped talking to his family members for the rest of his life because they started Thanksgiving dinner without him after he was excessively late for the zillionth time. What a waste of energy it is to stay angry for decades.

Forgiveness can be a gift that we give to ourselves. Here are some easy steps towards forgiveness:

Acknowledge your own inner pain.
Express your emotions in non-hurtful ways without yelling or attacking.
Protect yourself from further victimization.
Try to understand the point of view and motivations of the person to be forgiven;
replace anger with compassion.
Forgive yourself for your role in a difficult relationship, then decide whether or not
to remain in the relationship.

Perform the overt act of forgiveness verbally or in writing. If the person you want to forgive is dead or unreachable, you can still write down your feelings in letter form.
what forgiveness is not
FORGIVENESS IS NOT SIMPLY FORGETTING.
Forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending it didn't happen. It did happen, and we need to retain the lesson learned without holding onto the pain.

Forgiveness is not excusing. We excuse a person who is not to blame. We forgive because a wrong was committed.

Forgiveness is not giving permission to continue hurtful behaviors; nor is it condoning the behavior in the past or in the future.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving or whether to maintain our distance. By Shirley Glass, Ph.D.

Ast.. Yep… this is why we keep our boundaries…

My # 1 boundary that will end my relationship is to find a hidden cell… hotel bill... anything like that. It will be over because I will know my W is not capable of having a healthy relationship… that is finality for me. Especially after both attending Retrouvaille.

This is a major too... I will not be M to my W if she needs a male “friend”.. The reason for this is because it makes me afraid, unsafe, scared, doubtful, wary.. these are feelings I don’t want in my relationship. This was a boundary I did not have before Dday… Before dday, I had these feelings about her boss but they were squashed with lies… and my decision to trust. See trust is a decision too. It is not a feeling. I make the decision not to trust my W with a male friend. If she wants one, I will file D... pretty simple.. She knows I feel afraid.. so it is her choice that dictates my choice... lol...

If she treats me badly… i.e. does things listed in the not desirable list… I will simply tell her HOW I FEEL… If she continues, I tell her how I feel again… not telling her to stop it.. not controlling her in any way… It is up to my W to want to make me feel good, not angry, not ugly, not hurt, not sad, nor any unpleasant feelings.

However, I too must follow good boundaries… her boundaries!

Anyway.. Having a good weekend and thought I'd pop in to apologize to Honest.. That was bothering me..

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:59 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, July 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: There is no need to apologize. I fully realized your intentions. I did write a post that I ended up deleting about forgiveness, that perhaps I should have kept in.

I am not the kind of person who seeks revenge or a way to get back at a person. I don't hold a grudge. Perhaps I should have been stronger in my own boundaries in general for self preservation with xWH, WH and my mother.

I have always strived to forgive people for several reasons, mainly because of my religious beliefs and because it's for ME.

I have forgiven my father for what he did on my wedding day (long story), I forgave my xWH. It took a long time to fully forgive them in my heart and not carry around the anguish and pain. I have let it go.

I do want to forgive WH. But forgiveness is given when the pain and abuse has stopped. I am NOT looking for revenge or to get back at WH, although I know I could do so, but it wouldn't be ME. I am not like that and it would make me feel worse that I could do something mean, even if I feel they "deserve" it.

Someday, in the future, when I have really put up my boundaries, which would include as little contact as possible so WH can no longer hurt me, I might be able to move in the direction of forgiveness. I have already made the decision that I will someday.
I am happy for you Tryn. You were able to make progress for yourself and your WW. You were both able to go to Retrovaille and both tried to work out its tenets. No matter what happens in the future, you and your WW will know you both gave it your all. You both respected each other enough to give it a try.

I agree that we were all thrown away. It keeps playing over and over in my head that my WH had actually "divorced" me when he married OW. I just wasn't informed. He went through the motions with me all these years, and I still believed. Now, he tells me that I can decide what I want to do. He doesn't want to give me false hope that he will ever leave OW.

He just told me that he will be delaying coming back next week, till probably Aug. That's 3 months. DS 11 has been upset, he misses his father. Even though DS 15 is angry at WH, he misses him too. I truly understand what they feel, since my parents were divorced. I had conflicting feelings of being angry at my father for leaving, yet I still loved him with all my heart. I adored my father as a child.

God, I have such abandonment issues!!!

Divorce sucks, no matter what.

I called DS 30 to see if he and his gf wanted to come over. He told me he would love to,but he was going out somewhere with his father (xWH) and his wife. Now, we have been divorced over 20 years, and xWH's wife had NOTHING to do with us, he met her years later and she's a good lady. Even after all these years, it still stung. It shouldn't, but it did. Right now, with what is happening, I just started crying.

I don't know if one can ever completely heal. It may not hurt as much, it may "almost" be healed completely, but the wound can still be opened at times. Maybe like an ankle that you keep spraining. It heals, it works, you can use it, BUT it tends to get reinjured repeatedly. It is never exactly the same.

Sorry for rambling.

Love to all of you.

Tryn, I judge people by how their heart is. I KNOW you always are "trying" to help us all, and I KNOW you are a good hearted and kind person. I know you always mean well and are helping, and I thank you very much for all your kind words and thoughts.
I just pray to God that your WW realizes what a treasure she has in you!!!!!

{{{{{Tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, July 11th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps I should have been stronger in my own boundaries in general for self preservation with xWH, WH and my mother
.

Honest,
You were programmed from young - you didnt stand a chance.
However, you do now.

You make that decision to fight for yourself, get an awesome tough IC and you will do it, you'll see.

***
A quick :

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available


Send this on to all your girlfriends who may need a laugh and to guys who you think can handle the truth! (And our SI men can!)

***
(((((((Tribe)))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, July 11th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault,
I don't know if one can ever completely heal.

My thought is no, if completely heal means just like before. There will always be a piece of this in me, not just the A's but all our dysfunction before them too.

I am watching the Tour these days. Lance Armstrong recovered from cancer. Parts of his body are now gone, he has scars, he has meories of not just the disease, but how he was treated (good and bad) by others at the time. The cancer is gone, so is he healed?

He is not like before. He came out with a lighter upper body, and a sense of determination that made him a better (more winning) rider. The experience also gave what had been an unruly boy of a single mother a purpose in life to help others. He is not the same as before the cancer, he is different. I suspect he is OK with who he is. I want to be OK with who I am. I just wish my cancer had occured earlier in my life.

Trynhard,

If my W would have moved on, I’m sure by now I would have had several days living today without infidelity hurts.. For me, I know I would have had my ego stroked many times by some fine women.. it would have been exciting… etc… but I am also sure that I would not know how to get to the “awaking” in a relationship either.

This is a tough call for me, I am not so confident that I would have remained the same. I started a different trajectory in May 2007 when I was gaslighted out of exposing her A. I did not have the resources to know what I thought I saw was fact. It has been 20 years since dating, and I was 30 then. I am getting old, I sometimes think new excitement would be fun. Instead I look forward to having my "broken vase".

Lost Heart2, nice to see you on again. I will not take your post personally.

If a man is walking in a woods and offers an opinion, and no woman is around to hear it, is he still wrong?

Well, off to yard work, and to see if we are talking today.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:37 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 11th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostHeart: Thank you for the laughs:

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

I think there is no question about that.

And, I really cannot thank everyone enough for all of the positive posts lately.

I wound up drinking too much on my birthday & (from what I remember) my H made a remark that just set me off & it got ugly very quickly.
Props to my H for turning around and not leaving when I asked him to stay. (Apparently I told him I hate him & will never forgive him - something that has been bubbling under the surface for weeks now.)
I re-read the posts several times this morning & I am going to try to let the fear & anger go. I apologized (again) to my H & promised to start letting my guard down.
O dear...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 11th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Women can parrallel park? You mean without hitting other cars or the curb?

Bad news is $100 worth of lawn care products bought this morning. Good news is $75 at Total Wine and Liquor as an incentive to get done!

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, July 11th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: Oooooo snap!

Personally, no, I can't parallel park without hitting the curb - well, ok - I guess I was able to do it once since I got my driver's license - but I definitely can't do it in a mini-van.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
sailaway
♀ Member
Member # 23892
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 11th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone- I am generally more of a lurker but have posted a few times- truthfully you all get going so fast I am ususally lost. I think we have taken baby steps toward D today. We had a good day and as usual I made some bitchy comment about the A. Our oldest has his first girlfriend and H jokingly asked if he should remind him to wear a condom. I said that advice was ironic coming from him. He and I talked about where we go from here. He is doing everything right- now. But there has been so much betrayal. I know I am not special in that regard. But here is the thing I can't get past. I have a very hard time opening up about things (bi-polar mom, alcholic dad- I don't need Freud here to tell me why) but he would always say to me "married couples should be able to discuss anything- why won't you talk to me." And so I would go out on a limb and talk to him about things that were very difficult. (Warning: gender stereotypes do not apply in our relationship- I hate talking about feelings!) We would discuss even things I found really embarrasing (you know- sex- shhhh). Then I found out that he told her EVERTYTHING. I know because she put it on her blog. SO everytime we have a good day, or start to relax I say something to sabotage it because I don't want to get comfortable enough to share my feelings with him again. So today he moved into the basement. I am thinking about asking him to move all the way out, but with 4 kids I feel like I don't have the right to ask that. But- they are old enough to wonder why daddy is in the basement so who knows. I don't really know why I am posting this- I guess I can post my feeling anonymously :-) Anyway- feeling sad and lost and lonely.


"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." W.B.Yeats

Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but with 4 kids I feel like I don't have the right to ask that.
I think you have the right to do what you wish... I am sorry you are feeling so low... Our spouses are/were very selfish. They must change or we should do what we need to find happiness on our own.

Allgoodnamesgone... I'm sorry you felt the need to let him know he's a snake... sometimes, this stuff just comes out. I too made a mistake this weekend.. My wife said something about my XGf back in college saying, "I was too nice..." and that is why we broke up.. fact is, my xgf cheated and I broke up. I returned that comment with, "I guess I too nice for anyone", She attacked me with a FU... I later told her she didn't deserve that today..Oh well I'm sure it won't be the last time I make a comment.. It woasn't too forgiving...I just say I'm sorry once and move forward...today is a new day..

AST.. don't sell yourself short my friend.. Physically, mentally and on the fun scale (boating)I think you'd make a pretty good partner.

Lost Heart2.. yes those are true.. but today with technology, we avoid most of those.. I use a GPS!

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:08 AM, July 12th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sailaway: I don't know your background -tho I see you have 4 kids - which I do too as do some others on LTA. So surprising, isn't it?
Anyway - I can only give you general advice since I dont know your details, but I think you need to think about whether or not you want to salvage your marriage. We are all guilty of throwing jabs about the A now & again (well, some of us do it a bit harder & more frequently than others...). I myself, am almost a year out from DDay & just told my H that I hate him & will never forgive him. So, the anger is still there. And, honestly, they do seem to say the dumbest things. After the argument we had the other day, I felt the need to take the high road last night when I was hanging out with my H. I couldn't believe how many times he really just opened the door for me getting pissed off & saying something. But, I didn't, as I had already met my quota for the month.
Anyway, think long & hard about whether you want to be with him & what, if anything would need to change for you to be happy to be in the marriage. Of course, the impact of you separating/divorcing on your kids (including lifestyle changes) would be something you would also consider.) As far as your H moving out or in the basement - I think you would need to explain that to the kids - if you can't keep up pretenses (not judging - I know I'm guilty of it). Try to give us some more info so we can help you more. Until then, know that we care.

Tryn: Like I said above, sometimes they just say things that honestly look like they are testing our patience don't they? (Really, though, I'm quite sure that they say stupid things because they are able to really put the A out of their minds - they are not thinking about it as often as us, nor are they as sensitive as us about the topic in general - so they really do "open the door" often enough. Glad you 2 were able to quickly resolve it though.
And, I'm trying to stay positive - spent some alone time with H last night - went well enough - I still don't feel "in love", but in time, I hope, it will return.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God we were pathetic

No, ATS. NEVER, EVER let yourself think this again!

You were a husband who loved and trusted his wife. A husband who connected with his wife best through sex.

There is nothing, NOTHING pathetic about that. It's SO normal.

It's sad what your wife did with that -- but there was nothing pathetic or inappropriate about you.

I've always felt like my WH and I connected best through sex as well. And my sex drive is maybe 6 or 7 times higher than his. So, it's really hard to find out it wasn't special to him and that some of the reason I never got as much sex as I wanted was because it was going elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, my sex drive is unreasonable and I accept that, but to lose even one iota of what I could have had is very sad for me.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

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