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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3..
Do you think Retrouvaille is useful if you D too?

I think so... I use the same basic communication on my now young adult kids... Heck, I've used it a work.
but it is really about being encouraged to put the past behind you and start rediscovering each other. It will not make the pain go away, it will not save your M unless you both want to it to be saved... I think that your H will see some things if H goes with wanting to improve your relationship.
Ya’ll have a safe and happy 4th… Peace.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been a week since I posted. I have been very busy. Up to my ass in gators. I have tried to keep up with everyone but have not been very good at that.

m3. I understand your feelings about this place. It is kind of weird being here on the computer talking to others about these things. From my point of view, this is so much better than what I had for so many years. Having nobody to talk to is not that great. I hope all is good with Baby Paddy. I have been thinking of her.

Tribe. I am short of time. I have to get back other things. This business deal is going as good as can be expected. Bumps in the road here and there. My W has been a great help at times and then a distraction at others. Like everything else, she is hot and cold about this. I hope everyone has a good 4th. I going to try and find time for some fun. I might even grill something.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your responses to my thread.

And your kind compliments on the photo. I always had myself down as an ugly ducking turned plain brown hen (okay, blonde-ish, but ykwim!). Ats – someone commented on facebook that a hard man is good to find…… and Tryn’, he was checking out my boob job, but it’s okay, he wasn’t going to tell!!!

Anyway. Gotta go. Catch up tmw. Dog walk and early beer in the pub garden. And perhaps “deal” with these triggers.

Dip - just shoot the fuckers!!

Hugs to our wonderful tribe. Love you guys. (((((Tribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allright, Miracle -- I PM'ed you about a bit of it, but I'll just 'fess up to everyone about all of it and to you about the rest of it.

My WH broke our NC agreement about possible OW2. He's posted on her Facebook twice in the last month. And over the last 7 years he's sent her fishing flirty e-mails (the only ones I knew about before Dday were in 2003 and I THOUGHT we'd taken care of this BS then when it was just an EA with her living 600 miles away while he was unemployed and I was working full time and in school at night), and I got tipped off to this whole thing because last summer he sent her 1200 texts over a three month period. He just happened to go 40 miles away out by her house "with his boss" "unplanned" leaving the house in the morning with a change of clothes 2 days before her 40th birthday and then they favorited the same restaurant on their FB pages and then a week later I suddenly had a Group B strep infection, which is not necesarily STD but can be, and I've never had one in pregnancy before and it gave me a 7 month long bladder infection and endangered Baby Paddy and was one of the major reasons I needed to deliver her early and the muscle weakness she has might be CP caused by the long-running infection while I was pregnant.

We've already had 2 fights about him breaking NC with her since Dday about 3 weeks after Dday and again at the end of February and she's his XHSGF. There's more, but I'm sure that's plenty for you to get the picture.

That, and confirmed OW's BH sent my WH a text the weekend before Memorial Day which I can't remember if WH showed me but if he did it was a picture of WH's PENIS and I didn't realize it was from her BH because it's a picture he's sent me before (thanks for sending it to OW too, you dick) (just got phone bill , which made me realize) it was taken long before Dday but at the very least OW is holding on to it and MAYBE (probably) it means ther was never NC there anyway.

So, he's a dick. BIG shock.

So, then I did the math and if we D now, I'm going to lose everything. The house will have to be sold and once the debts are paid we'll each walk away with like 20 or 40 grand. Pretty sad for a couple of people who've both been making 6 figures. BUT if I don't take a stand now I have NO credibility. (You know, kind of like HIM.)

So, no I haven't talked to him because I don't really want to start a fight before the long weekend especially with my dear, dear friend and soon to be godmother of Baby Paddy so excited to be spending it on the water with us.

AND STILL the man blushes and half stammers or starts doing that thing people do when they talk too much when they're nervous when I hit on him. I made him turn beet red at dinner last night! He got all nervous when I was hitting on him at bedtime and I pretty much had to do the old "shut up and kiss me" IT MAKES NO FREAKING SENSE. If I wasn't crazy I would think I'm crazy.

I do love him. I will use miracle's word -- he's a fucktard.

This makes 10 times I can point to where he has overtly either promised to be faithful or assured me he was being faithful. Every one of them an empty promise or outright lie.

I mean, really, how many times does the little boy get to cry wolf?

I'll read everyone else's stuff and do another post in a few minutes.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. I have nothing helpful for y'all. Thanks tryn about Retrouvaille.

Allgood -- enjoy your trip.

Honest -- I second not talking to your WH. You get over a breakup faster with NC and you know you're breaking up even if it's dragging out a bit. So, NC. Make it your mantra. Post here like crazy if need be.

Take care so much everyone!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((m334455))

I deleted all of my "helpful" text; I will send it next week.

Enjoy your weekend on the water and the visit from S2BGM. We find the 4th a magical night on the water as they shoot the fireworks out over us, and we can also see the shows from other communities out on the horizon.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33.....
I am so sory for what you are going through.
It's amazing isn't it...how horrible these situations can get.
Your husband is 'not getting it' is he?
Does he go to IC? Does he admit that he is a sex addict?
A really good book for you to read is: Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens
Here's a link to a web site with an interview with the author:

http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/an-interview-with-barbara-steffens-author-of-your-sexually-addicted-spouse/

Try to do something nice for yourself and your children this weekend.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I'm sorry to hear that your WH broke NC. They are such idiots!! Great big hugs to Baby Paddy and you. I got so angry when I read about that his A gave you that infection and possibly hurt Baby Paddy. They are such a-hats. I know there was a time for a few years that I was getting an on and off again yeast infections which I NEVER got before and a few other infections. Never realized that he was passing shit from her to me.

Hang in there M3. Give yourself some time to process this and then you can make the best decision you need to make for you and your kids.

Allgood: I'm glad you had an AHA moment. I know how extremely hard it is when a H is working a night shift. My xWH was a firefighter and often worked that shift. You feel like you're a single mom without the benefits. Is there any way WH can try to change the shifts? It would be better for your marriage and your sanity.

Me tending to take the blame for everything is not healthy, I know. It's just something I tend to do. I forgive everyone, but myself for being human!!

I do need NC with WH. It is like an addiction. <sigh> I have to keep telling myself I don't need his words any longer to get validation. I have to keep it a mantra. I just wish I was financially independent from him at this point, but I'm working toward that.
Ats: I hope you have a great weekend.

Happy 4th to everyone. It sucks here because one of the biggest annual fireworks display they have in our area has been cancelled because of the economy....

Love to all the tribe!!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal --
ohh.. you think he's a sex addict? Maybe. There are porn site cookies on the computer too, there was pron on his phone, webcam sex sites, "adult" dating sites.

And come to think of it, he mentioned during the Super Bowl that Tiger Woods says hes a sex addict.

Well crud. I sort of think the sex addict thing is a bunch of hogwash, but people here on SI take it pretty seriously.

Yesterday I took a how likely is your spouse to cheat test on a different site and on a scale of 1-100 WH was a 68 and *I* was a 75!

ETA -- njgal, I looked at that stuff. I think you are right. This might explain everything. For sometime I've thought he is SAB survivor, just another "gus instinct" thing.

[This message edited by m334455 at 12:27 PM, July 2nd (Friday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He and the OW are definitely sex addicts.
They set up an opportunity for them to act out their fantasies...
Ironically, many sex addicts do not have a lot of sex in their 'regular' relationships ...they are not super sexy every day.... instead they need to have these fantasy situations to have sex....
whether its porn or secret trysts etc. That's the turn on.
If you can get the book ...its really good... its relevant for all of us here in LTA because...what is a LTA if not a sex addiction? it is definitely NOT a normal relationship.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, NJgal, I totally see it now. it also explains the him not loving her and the he didn't even see her for a couple of years at a time sometimes and also my nanny who used to be her nanny for 2 years saw a movie about a female sex addict the other day and said it was just like watching two years of her life.

Plus, OW is always trolling for guys when we would go out without WH or her BH... etc. etc. And why OW said she'd prayed about it so many times. She really has.

He was abused, she was abused, they're both constantly seeking external validation from members of the opposite sex...

I guess they figured they had the PERFECT arrangement. Sort of a coping for the SA. And that's why there was no tons of texts or talking red flag, they didn't need it to maintain the relationship because that would actually ruin it. And that means his assertion that they were only "hooking up" so to speak a few times a year it most likely true etc. etc. and why he made so many mean comments about her here and there, because they *weren't* ALL coverups. Ugh.

The gagillion texts/e-mails to XHSGF were just to butter her up, not to fill some emotional need of WH... other than what the SA fills.

Well CRAP. Crap crap crap.

This also explains a lot about why MY sex life is so vanilla and less frequent that what I'd like. It's vanilla because he loves me so it's got to be different than acting out would be and it's less frequent than I'd like because (1) he's got a lower sex drive than I do and (2) some of his sex drive is directed elsewhere.

I, meanwhile have that bipolar hypersexuality.

This just SUCKS.

Sounds like WH and I need to go see his IC again together. That's probably a good first step.


Thanks NJgal. At least this all *finally* makes some sense. I could name other ways he's acted out sexually as well -- but nevermind I'll save those for his IC.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i don't have much time...

m3: when i asked you about talking to husband, last week on the lta forum, you mentioned that he was doing so well and that you were getting ready to have a talk with him...if i had time i would go back and find it...

i will be back later when i have more time....

m3 i am so so sorry...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

o.k. i'm back and i found it...

m334455
Member
Member # 26893 Posted: 4:32 PM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just re-read some of my first LTA posts. I re-read the e-mail I sent to OW, the e-mails between me and my priest friend, my synopsis of my IC session with me and WH.
It gives me some strange resolve. I'm amazed by them. How could I have been so calm? I was so hurt I was practically on fire.

It's time for WH and I to start talking, really talking.

He's ready.

He keeps asking me what I'm thinking. I probably haven't heard that out of him in 5 years.

He told me he started crossing the intersection of the street he walks down to work in a different direction "because he has new habits now."

He raged about how our alcoholic neighbor was never going to get better because everything out of her mouth was a rationalization.

He took care of both babies by himself one night last week.

He made it through a visit with his mother without getting drunk.

He noticed his sister asked me about OW and came over to make sure I was OK.

He stood in the absolute chaos of two fighting boys, two crying babies, meat on the grill, guest coming over, dogs stealing the corn, and didn't lose his temper and did at least 50% of the work last night -- AND asked me what I was thinking -- AND said he thinks I'm secretly planning to divorce him because I dont' talk to him.

He's ready.

I hope it goes well, as well as these sorts of things can go. I'm not going to post or check SI until its done. Or see my IC. Or talk to anyone. I need to do this with no outside influences. It might take all summer, I don't know.

m3: this was such a postive post, i was so excited for you...and to come to find out that he's been up to no good must be even more of a letdown, i am so sorry...his is a fucktard.()ukgirls word btw)

so the bh that sent you the pic was from ow#2?

and i am so confused, why would he openly post on her facebook....that is such a stupid thing to do......

dip: maybe we should call you the alligator slayer...
and still sending you some alligator mojo....


tryn: i admire people like you and allgood who can run....and once in a while on my power walks i break into a slow run....but i cannot sustain it...lousy knees and a lousy hip...it's exhauting though...


ukgirl:

Dip - just shoot the fuckers!

this cracked me up


honest: definitely find a mantra that works, and then write it out and put in place around the house so you always see it...and post...even if you journal...get it out, purge dear heart, purge


tomorrow, the third will probably be my last day here on the boards unless i guet all my shit done for the 4th prior to my guests arriving....we are expecting around 70 ish people on the 4th....so it will be busy, and one of the families whom we are quite tight with will be spending that nite...then we are off, quite early for the airport for the trip to florida...we are bringing the laptop...just in case i need a fix....but i am hoping not to...but with pfm, one never knows....

my anger is still very much there...and my patience with him is null....the things that drove me crazy before now put me into an insane place....one of them is that he never gives a direct answer to any question...the only time he gave me direct short answers was when he was questioned about his affairs....i guess that was another meter to gage whether or not he was lying.. ...he isn't capable of clear precise answers....not even to the most mundane questions...

well hopefully we will be super happy busy...but happy is not what is used to be...i never really feel happy, truly happy...i am happy with my life, if only i could cut him out of it...i keep trying to be grateful for the parts that are happy...but sadly even those parts have clouds that hang over....oh well... it is what it is...i will get there someday...and i will do whatever it takes to do so...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it goes well, as well as these sorts of things can go. I'm not going to post or check SI until its done. Or see my IC. Or talk to anyone. I need to do this with no outside influences. It might take all summer, I don't know.
I took this as a good sign too. That you were going to “deal” with things and bash them out until they were done. So what’s changed? You seem to be all over the place now with the FB and penis photo flying about. What is your H’s explanation of all of this?

Mostly, what about you? Do you feel you’re in a cleft stick financially? Is that the real reason why you are trying to Recon? And he gets to cry wolf as often as he likes while he gets the attention and there are no consequences. And yes, like you I think many labels we like to put on each other are a load of crap, but there must be at least a grain of truth. And so I would say he is a sex addict. It is about the attention and the escape, which if it is kept secret, allows the WS to continue pretty normally in their real life. The Mr Hyde who gets out at night and spews out the poison in private that Mr Jekyll doesn’t want anyone who matters to him to see. (t/j – we went to go and see the Jekyll & Hyde musical while H was WH, I often wonder if he recognised it as a play of his own life.) But they just keep feeding the monster and there comes a point when he has to control and get rid of it – or it will control him. And then all hope will be lost. But like any addiction, he has to acknowledge the problem before he can do anything about it. And he will only do that when he is ready.

Sorry, that was long. The priorities, my dear m33, are YOU, baby Paddy and your other darling children. There has to be a way to make him see what he will be losing if you do a IWAM on him, staying until you are ready to go – ticking off the years, months and days.

Have a great 4th July everyone. 70 people, miracle??? Wow, hope you get some time to enjoy too. I’ll be going to a housewarming BBQ that day. H and I will be travelling in our own cars so he can go straight to the airport for another few days working in Italy. Usual zoning will take place.

Finally, happiness. Way back when WH had just started his LTA, a couple we were very friendly with broke up. As we walked sadly home (he was with the H, I was with the W), he said something profound: there was “too much laughter and not enough happiness”. I just shake my head looking back.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:17 AM, July 3rd (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“too much laughter and not enough happiness"

Profound!!

I've been reading everyone's posts, as usual.
M33 - Please take care of you and your babies first. I haven't read a thing about sex addicts for fear I may have to put another label on my own H. I still think my mother had the right idea (sorry guys)but she was kidding around one day trying to make me smile and she said..."you know, when baby boys are born, they should immmediately stamp "idiot" on their foreheads, because when they grow up they usually become this" And then we both starting laughing.
I often think of this when I think of my own H.

You have to do what is best for YOU right now. (((m33)))

Honest - I pray for you to gain strength. You have a tough road ahead but you will be ok. You are a smart, intelligent woman. I can relate when you said you "always take the blame". I tend to do this also. And it's true. If it is my fault, I can fix it. Even though this mess you didn't cause, you can fix it in your own time. It's not going to be easy, but you will do it.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

(((((tribe)))))

I don't know what I'd do without the "tribe".


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I am sorry. I am glad, however, that the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall into place for you. And, I am glad that you are still able to think logically about your options in the face of such disappointing information. I hope you are still able to enjoy your weekend with your guests. At some point, however, I think it's important for your to confront WH. I also think that while it's easier said than done, losing some of the monetary perqs of remaining in an intact family is well worth the peace of not having your H around if that is what you really want.
Sometimes I think if I was separated - how would my life really be different - and I conclude that it really wouldn't be different in the near future - all I would do would lose the companionship of my H, lose some financial support & help around the house. (I now think about this every time something mechanical goes wrong in the house - I think I would have NO idea what to do.... Shameful. I really need to start paying more attention around here.)
Anyway, I have faith that you will come to the right decision and I pray that you have some peace in the interim.
And, as always, your daughter's health is on my mind. And, if your H & OW had anything to do with her condition, omg, let the KARMA FREIGHT TRAIN show up soon!

Miracle: You are the energizer bunny! You are having 70 guests?!? Unbelievable! I hope you can find some time to stop hosting and kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. And, enjoy Florida - I'm going to be away next week as well - I'm glad that we synchronzied our vacations so I don't have to go through SI withdrawal. Something about no responsiblities & a drink in hand helps me be happy even without SI.

the things that drove me crazy before now put me into an insane place....one of them is that he never gives a direct answer to any question

Me too! 1st, being a lawyer, the inability/unwillingness (I haven't decided which is the case) of some people to simply listen & answer a question amazes me. But, I have to say that I have seen it enough to conclude that a lot of people's brains don't seem to work this way. And, I think this is particularly true of selfish, self-absorbed people. It's like what we see with our kids - I believe you & I both have a child with this "condition". Try to reprhase your questions so that only a yes/no answer can be given & preface each question with "please answer yes/no to the following question". It will piss off your H, give you a laugh, and you might, just might, get the information you are looking for.

I don't know why I'm using so many laughing icons, because I'm definitely not happy. Despite yesterday's revelation, I can't shake this funk. I'm not sad, or particularly angry, I just can't seem to care about my H. I forced myself to spend some time with him last night & I couldn't get "into it". I just kept looking at him and thinking "you are such a piece of shit". Ok, maybe that's angry.
And - about little things pushing you over the edge - I saw a flash of my H disengaging last night - he wanted to go to the beach & the kids didn't want to go, so I insisted that we all go to the park (with 4 kids - you can never get anyone to agree to do the same thing, so they weren't particularly happy about the park either...) and my H was just laying on the couch watching tv & I had to coax him to come with us. He continued to sulk & not really participate with all of us & I came so close to telling him I had no interest in working things out with him. I really did. It wasn't the event, per se, it was that I saw the same attitude was there - selfishness, not really able to fully participate with the family, etc. I just think back to when we were new parents 7 he was such an excellent father, he really was. He is still great with them when hes "on" and, no offense to the other Dads here, he still does a lot more than other fathers I know, but I was still so pissed. I'm less angry now, I'm glad I had the self-restraint to walk away.

Well, I'm officially alone with 4 kids now for the next 1 1/2 days. And, other than the fact that I won't be able to run over the entire weekend (Unless I run while holding my daughter, which doesn't sound fun at all), I'm pretty happy about it, which I realize is both good & bad.
I'll take it tho.

Honest: someone posted on fb the other day that there is a new Barbie Doll - Divorced Barbie - that comes with Ken's house, car, etc. Lol. Personally, I think it's great that you want to take steps to be independently self-sufficient, but, in your situation, your H is going to be responsible for CONTINUING to provide for the household's needs until you are self-sufficient. So, please don't feel like you have to do it all. Dont' get me wrong - you have to do most of it - but you shouldn't worry about the finances & should't be afraid to pursue your rights - you earned them! You took care of his home & children while he pursued his career & built his empire. You are his partner. He couldn't have done any of this without you. It's a scary step, and one you might not be ready to take yet - I just don't want to see you trying to manage that household by yourself, while going back to school, and having to put up with his crap all at the same time.

Peace to all


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455.......

If you can ...buy that book by Steffens.. ASAP...
'Your Sexually Addicted Spouse"
where do you live?
I have a friend in California that goes to see a therapist that is a co-writer of the Steffens book and she says he has changed her marriage and her life...
there are alos therapists that are part of this group who specialize in the newest therapies for SA....in Ohio and in Texas....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

70 people! Wow iwam that is a convention. Do you have to bring in porta-potties?

As an employee of the Florida tax-payers, let me officially thank you for chosing the sunshine state for your vacation plans. As the Zac Brown band would say, keep your toes in the water, your ass in the sand, and a cold beer (or mudslide) in your hand while you are here. Remember, there is no such thing as buying too many souvenirs.

nofun, we do not need it stamped on our foreheads, we all have plenty of folks to remind us as we go through life.

m334455, it looks like you are getting some new insights, but that you also have a very full plate to digest. Good luck, and enjoy your visitor this weekend. You clearly know how to manage company in moderation as opposed to iwam.

old dip, here is a wiff of apple/hicory wood for you in case the 'gators got your smoker. I am doing breasts, thighs, and spare ribs today.

honest, I am thinking of you often and the difficult path in front of you. ((honesttoafault)) they cancelled one of the big displays here too, but there are still some private events tonight, a great one on the beach tomorrow, and lots of individual families taking advantage of the loop-holes in the Florida fireworks regulations. yes sir, all $200 worth of rockets, mortars, and roman candles are to start races and protect crops from pests.

allgoodnamesgone, we men withdrawal into our cave or box, depending on which expert is describing us. I have told FWW I want her to call me out on this behavior if she notices it. I want to be the good and engaged H.

DS14 is gone for 2 weeks to camp grandma and grandpa. He will be living the sailing life with them. DS18 is very independent, so FWW and I are getting a taste of the near future with no kids around. We think we can deal with it. She is working today. I am working on a project for tomorrow night; I will let you all know if it works out.

We spent last night talking about us, the A, and life. We met for lunch yesterday at a cafe near her work. As we talked, it ends up we both had triggers of her A when we kissed good bye and got into our own cars to go back to work. She said that when we walked into the cafe she wanted to tell everyone I was her H, it was not an A

We talked about how fortunate we are (as fortunate as people with a dday can be) that we are both engaged in trying to fix this M. We both struggle, we both backslide, but the other is there to help get us back on track. It is interesting to me how much FWW reflects back to her A in her first M when we talk about ours.

TMI alert, send the kids out of the room.

I have wanted so much to ask her for more details about the sex with OM, especially OM#2 who she says gave her a couple of screaming O's from oral and from intercourse. I know the details don't matter, I remember what Tryn and Edie have said to me over and over. I always thought I was a great lover to her, and she says that I am, but it eats at me. Am I too rough, was she tender after extended sessions with OM, or was he able to be gentler and still effective? Should I be more loving, or more "dark" as she seems to like the dark? I know I need to ask her, but with sex, I feel like any negative statement from her is gospel, and anything positive is just protecting my feelings.

We did talk about what we like and do not like, including settings and accessories. I will be ay Yankee Candles today She also laid out some suggestions that are clearly aimed at over-writing events she mentioned in her disclosure to me.

Well have a good weekend tribe, I need to quit avoiding and get to work.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to shout out loud that MY HUSBAND IS A COMPLETE ASSHOLE!!!!

He accidentally called my phone & left a message where I could hear his entire conversation with his partner discussing their married coworkers paying for this sex act & that & ended with my H opining that his coworker should just go find a girl & stop wasting so much money.
Am I wrong to be pissed off?

I mean, I know the coworker he is talking about & knew that he was doing this. It certainly comes as no surprise that many of the people he works with are cheathers. It really has nothing to do with him - I guess it just pissed me off to hear him talking about this guy just finding a girl.

So - I sent him a text letting him know I heard the conversation & added that he works with a bunch of cheating scumbags & no wonder he thinks its ok.

He called & was very hostile. While I could understand him being annoyed because this conversation really didnt have anything to do with us, his focus seemed to be on what exactly I had heard. He then proceeded to make the outrageous claim that they werent talking about a coworker but an article in the newspaper. Then, that just sent me over the edge - he's just going to lie, so this just brings up all the anxiety I have felt over every other ridiculous claim he has made, but I couldn't disprove. I told him this was a ridiculous conversation. He hung up on me & texted me that he wouldnt call me from work anymore so we wouldn't have this kind of a problem.
?!?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood....
hearing this type of conversation from my husband would be very disturbing for me.
It sounds as if your husband does not 'get it'.
After going through the hell of d-day and trying to reconcile after a LTA...how could he be so casual about discussing whores with his co-workers?
Overhearing something like this from my husband...would send us back to MC.
It does sound as if your husband's work environment is extremely toxic...and who knows? it may have had something to do with his attitude toward affairs...I do believe that people are very influenced by peer pressure..even as adults...
I understand how he may need to act like one of the guys at work...and maybe, he couldn't speak up and say that it was wrong..but, you would think that after his experience with infidelity that he would at least remain silent on the subject or walk away from it....avoid it like the plague.
Not jump in and encourage it!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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