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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is why I should believe OW will not pursue him any further - see she's a good person like that...

Geez - they really do have their heads up their asses sometimes. I didn't know whether to laugh or be when I read this one.
It reminded me of something that my H said to me:
"We never wanted to hurt you or BH. We always said that if either or you got hurt we would end the A." Too late fucktard!! Here's one from the OW - "They couldn't be so stupid not to know what's going on. It must be ok with them." This one still makes my blood boil.
Btw, consider me your backup.


Then I read posts by forgivenotforget and wonder if I should just suck it up

Uh Oh, Ats, what did I say????
I just hope I never suggested that you tolerate abuse, neglect, non-remorse, indifference or any other unacceptable negative behaviors from your FWW. I have always believed that R can only happen with a completely remorseful, compassionate and committed S. When only one partner is working toward R, then the task just becomes too much. You should expect and demand total involvement in the healing process and your W should be only too happy to be given a second chance with you. Although I am not a proponent of D, I know that I could never have fought this battle alone. It is too painful and would be a very lonely process.
Nuff said! Keep posting your thoughts and feelings. I think you need our support right now and you know we are all here for you.
(((Ats)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, busy morning...


honest: yes i am already living with the "family" idea....and really have been from the getgo...we will always be connected because of our children which makes us family for life....having said that though...i know first hand that being family doesn't now or ever mean that that person need stay in your life if that person is toxic to you..in the case of sharing children though its kind of impossible to eliminate the the other parent.....

as for forgiving your father, i too was faced with this decision...i never really forgave my dad, i did however learn to accept him and all he had done, acceptance for me was huge...although i have to admit that from time to time if he left an opening for a sarcastic jab, more often then not i took it...because he was a shitty grandfather too...but still i had come to terms with who he was...made my peace with it long before he died....we knew for a long time that he was dying, a slow death, but was definitely on his way out....by the time he died i was totally at peace with who he was, but heartbroken because when he died so did the chance of ever repairing any kind of damage....i never got the apology, or the acknowledgment from him on his actions as a man who was my father....and when he died so did that validation...wow, i just realized that once again i am faced with a man who will never be able to acknowledge all he's done...shit...i just connected some dots...here i am again with a man who's done so much damage...as much as he keeps apologizing he is not doing what i needed him to do from the getgo...wow...i gots another aha moment here...so i never recieved from my dad what i needed in validation, he never owned his shit...and here i am with pfm who also is not really owning his shit...not "getting it"...once again i am in the position of healing myself...once again i now know in no uncertain terms that i can and will succeed in finding this acceptance...this time around i have a bigger support system, and i have ic to help me through it all...very cool...i now have a sense of renewal here...the knowledge that i already have done this and can do it again....will do it again....

ok back to business...

I'm trying to focus on something Helen Keller said. We sometimes focus on the door that closed so much, we don't notice the door that has opened. I am trying so hard to do that.

love this, love that you are focusing on this and that you shared it with us...i love the quote and will store it in hopefully somewhere in my mind...the key is to remember it ....


m3: 2x4's...i hope not...whatever advice we swing your way will be filled with so much love and hugs...and maybe no advice and just the lovin...whenever you are ready....

as for you and allgood being twins...well from when you both joined us on the lta forum i have felt that the 2 of you were so similar...i also see alot of fun in allgood too....the three of you have so many similarities...as much as your stories are so different, you as people are alot alike...all three of you are extremely strong women, all of you work really good jobs, all of you can be completely self-supporting if need be...you and allgood have the kids quotient...fun's kids are all grown now....and all of your wh's seem to be similar in their inadequacies, but all seem to be trying...as different as you all are, is as many similarities...

as for the following your beliefs..i cannot take the credit on that one...another si'er posted elsewhere and it struck a chord with me...


fnf: the info he wants me to fess up about is fairly recent behavior i caught him at, it was in the middle of april...random check of things and found that he covered something up...and had to take steps to do so, so it wasn't like he just forgot...he had to take steps to cover something up and then of course has no clue what i am talking about...i refuse to spoon feed him...every once in a while when i feel my walls come down a bit i do a random check and every fucking time, i mean every fucking time i find something new...i find that he is still a liar...and that is totally unacceptable to me...and the stuff he lies about it so stupid...so if he willing to still lie over the nothing...i know that he will certainly lie over the something....

allgood, fun and m3: something struck me when i was reading all of your posts...all 3 of you have built up these walls...afraid to believe who they are...afraid to trust...so much so that when spending time with these men you all seem to be on guard....well, if they do fuck up it will hurt the same no matter how high that wall....i am guilty of this as well...you feel like you could build this fortress around your heart then when he fucks up you won't bleed...well i had this fucking wall higher then anyone can imagne prior to d-day...well tht knocked that theory to kingdom come..no matter how we think we can protect our fragile hearts, we can't....so freeing your heart i would think would be the way to go....you still possess a head that will keep the logic in check...a belief system to use, but that frees up your feelings and your heart to love completely....choosing love for your heart...keeping the guard up in matters of the head...(money, random checks on phone and email..etc...)...but let the heart do what it does best...love....

i know this is a scary concept..but i promise you if he fucks up again it will hurt just as much...the only thing keeping your heart guarded will give you is that boost to the ego to say "see, i was right"...and that is not a healthy ego boost, but a sad one...sometimes the ego gets in the way of the heart....now mind you if your husband(s) are still not doing what they say, or lying then its all bets off,...but from what i could tell in your posts your husbands are trying, but have no clue what to do next...they are all still new to ic and what it can provide in the way of healing themselves so that they can be free to heal you...its kind of like going to school...and until they take these classes they cannot graduate to the rest of real life....

just some food for thought...or the trash..


fnf: i think you have walls around your heart too, but i think you let them down long enough in between to enjoy your life..if that makes any sense...


honest: you need to put up a jail around your heart right now...and even then i don't know if it would protect you....so i think the best thing you can do for yourself is to feed your heart with all that is good in your life, nurture yourself as fnf and lh2 suggest...feed your heart with all that is good so that when you recogi=nise that which is bad you will refuse to let him into youre already nourished heart...because we already know that he is not nourishment for your heart or your soul but a poisin to you instead...


o.k. my little charge is needin some lovin...he is my nourishment...nothing like 2 year old lovin...the purest kind of love...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

while i was taking my time typing, you people was a postin...


ats: oh ats, i feel so much of your pain, just a month ago, even a few weeks ago you seemed like the 2 of you were on track....in the space of a month it all seems to have changed....

if you decide to stay and live the way i am living, nothing more then coparents, that still means that you no longer have to take what is dished out to you...if you can find a happy medium then go for it..but somehow i still believe that you want it all to work, and i think you expect her to put it back together...and as much as she should she seems incapable...i think for your own peace of mind you need to take the bull by the horn so to speak schedule you both for mc and and your fww for ic...and then make sure you have a weekly appt....give that some time before you make any permanent decisions...especially ones that lead to bankruptcy...not a path of least regret my friend...you really have nothin gto lose at this point but some time, and everything possible to gain....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenoforget,
Uh Oh, Ats, what did I say????

I was reflecting more on the time and effort that you have invested your M to stay together. Patience is not one my virtues.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive:
We always said that if either or you got hurt we would end the A."

O that's a classic! You really have to laugh it's so ridiculous. Like you said - some of this stuff is just head up the ass scary!

Miracle: thank you for your thoughtful & thought provoking post. The walls make me feel safe-but it's an illusion. You are right - they aren't going to prevent or help anything.

That's going to take awhile to digest tho.

Anyhoo - off to the beach.
Peace all.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 11:13 AM, June 21st (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: yes i am already living with the "family" idea....and really have been from the getgo...we will always be connected because of our children which makes us family for life....having said that though...i know first hand that being family doesn't now or ever mean that that person need stay in your life if that person is toxic to you..in the case of sharing children though its kind of impossible to eliminate the the other parent.....

I don't think of WH as family anymore; more like a relative. I like him, but he's clearly not my friend. Sigh. I don't know. The solution -- it's there. Right on the tip of my tongue, like when you forget someone's name.

He says I'm the love of his life, and most of the time I just think that's ridiculous, but then this quiet voice in my heart speaks and says simply, "you can't love someone else more than you love yourself."

And, yes, ATS -- I've always had the fixer syndrome too. I felt broken -- abused as a kid, bipolar, you don't feel worthy of a normal, healthy person. Those of us licking our wounds tend to find each other and stick together... with all the chaos that naturally ensues.

I want to run away. I want to D. Which is why I know that's the wrong choice. No, I have to fight. And I mean that literally. We're . . . peaceful, but clearly not harmonious.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok -- so here's the sticking point -- how do I reconcile the things I believe about human nature with what I want to believe about my WH? I really do love him dearly, but my inner cynic tells me that he won't change and I'm wasting my time, KWIM?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This really is a chatty bunch. So much to read. I see so many here have been down. I do not have time to offer much support. I am thinking of everybody and to those that are down, be glad that you have the help and support of SI and the LTA people.

I want to thank everyone for the fathers day wishes. That all meant more to me than you all will ever know. I do not get to celebrate fathers day since my dad died when I was pretty young and I did not get to have any children. Still, your very kind thoughts were heart felt and appreciated.

My weekend was not good. I am still up to my ass in gators. I was very amused by everyone's comments about that. Some of these gators did have some large meaty breast! Not the grilling kind though. I did think of some other uses for them. I am trying to buy a business and am as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers. In typical BPD fashion, my W started doubting and fighting me on this Sunday. ( this has happened before during the same kind of deal) I can handle the non-support. The flat out attitude that all of this should not have been done sucks. I have enough real shit to worry about and take care of in this deal. Adding all her negative crap is just so much extra.... She said she does not like taking this risk and that she just can't handle it. I bit my tounge! She could handle the risk of fucking who knows how many OM and all that shit! Damn, in the middle of all this shit, I should not even be thinking about any kind of A crap. She does not trust me to handle this deal? I have done over ten of these. Lost 5% of my investment one time. The last one I did, I made a 35% after tax cash profit in two years, on a 100k investment. Not bad money. I also made some extra in other ways on that one. I split the profit with W. As UKgirl would say, my W was a fuckwit, fucktard this weekend.

O.K. I feel better. I will be fine now. My w can't seem to help it. This is the nature of her disease. This place has magical healing powers for me. Thanks to everybody here at the LTA house. I have stayed over my limit today. I need to get back to work. I have got to figure out a way to kick some gator ass.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
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Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgive - I know you are 100% correct. The walls are high in order to protect my heart. I don't know if I can wait 2 - 3 years though. I am also harboring a lot of anger, a lot...to the point that I think of ways to hurt FWH. I know this is not right.

I have been triggering really bad this week. I found out that two more of my H's co-workers are having affairs. I reached out to one wife this week and we are meeting up Thursday. It's so sad and disgusting what is going on there. All these guys are covering for one another...one OW was brought to the workplace at night and the guys covered. The woman I am meeting up with told me that her H brought OW to their home while she was at work. She cannot stay at her home now. She is at her mom's home 70 miles away. I am thinking I should form a "Betrayed Wives Club".

Sometimes I don't think I can go on. This morning I seriously thought I was on the verge of losing it mentally. I just wanted to lay down and never get up. I was actually scared I was not going to be able to leave the house this morning. And this is from someone who has not lost ONE day of work since DDay. I have pushed and pushed. But I'm tired now. I don't want to hold it all together anymore.

I'll stop the rambling now...it just felt good to write it down. Sorry guys!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I know what you mean. My inner cynic tells me the same. And, as my inner cynic has met with many, many divorcing women who tell me "I caught him cheating years ago - I should've left him then" it just adds to the feeling of shame & stupidity.

I've always been of the "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality pre- DDay. Now, I see it's far more difficult to just cut ties and go, especially if you love the guy.

But, I am going to try to stay positive, I'm trying to soak in some of the things Miracle said... You never know & I have nothing to lose.


[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:50 PM, June 21st (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun: we cross-posted.
Sometimes a quick cry helps a lot. I felt like I was ready to walk away from everything on Friday morning - including my kids. I just locked myself in my room - no more than 5 minutes & just cried.
I felt a lot better afterwards.
Sorry you are so down...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: i am so so sorry you are having a bad week...i am glad that you reached out to this wife...i think it will do you a world of good...having someone irl for you, someone who shares so much parralel history..i remember how much you said you hated to write...and that you prefer to talk it out in person...well this gives you both worlds...and i have noticed that when you do have your oh so short ramblins that make perfect sense btw, you always close it out saying you feel better...so keep it up...

allgood: i am glad to hear you are giving it some time and a chance....at least this way, you could say one of two things and both are positive...either it will be you are glad you stuck it out because it worked out or you gave it everything you had and you could walk away with a clear head and a clear very hurt heart...and that will help when you need to answer the million questions you will get from your kids...


dip: who's chatty...

good luck with that business venture...and you may not have children in real life, but you kind of adopted some of us you know...especially m3 and her new baby..

and i am sorry that your wife is once again in the dark to real life, to your life... ...you are an amazing man with an amazing capacity to not only love but nurture through your pain...and i feel honored to know you.....


fnf: you gotta love those lines from the ws handbook, the part under how to really get the bs to believe you are as stupid is as stupid does...i have yet to understand the purpose of saying things so insanely stupid...and i really believe they all do it...kind of like the child who gets caught eating chocolate and they are completely covered in it and then say they do not know what you are talking about, they never saw any chocolate much less ate it...


(((tribe)))

p.s. where is ukgirl, did i forget her taking a trip or something???


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just locked myself in my room - no more than 5 minutes & just cried.

I am afraid if I start crying, I may not stop.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: you have to let it out, you have to purge it all...you will stop crying....but you need to start...you are only postponning the inevitable, and you already feel the pain, now you need to release some of it...it will be completely draining, and at least a day before you feel somewhat better...but you need to grieve the loss of the marriage that you believed you had, the loss of the husband you believed you had....

sometimes we all need a really good cry...and yes it hurts, but its necessary...and the hurt will lesson somewhat...and its a step towards healing...

((((fun))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Question  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

very quiet morning...hopefully that bodes well...but somehow, i don't know...its too quiet in here...y'all better be havin fun, thats all i got to say...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I'm just about to post.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle,

The walls do have to come down at some point for R to happen -- but not until the time is right. I think it's just about time for me to let mine go, but maybe not quite time for the others yet.

Nofun -- you must cry. You can't heal what you won't feel. I understand your fear that you won't stop. I cried 4 to 6 HOURS a day, every day, for the first 5 months, and then about an hour a day for the next 2 months (yep, well over 800 hours) and THEN it stopped. I had no idea it was even humanly possible to cry so much.

Makes you wonder how a person could betray someone who loves them so much, doesn't it?

Anyway, if you don't do it, you just get stuck. One of the first things I read was Divorce Busting -- and her main point about not divorcing as a knee-jerk reaction to infidelity was that you've got to go through the exact same pain either way and D might not be the best solution when you're on the other side of it.

but the main point there is: YOU'VE GOT TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN. Denial is only good for a little while; after that it's just a river in Egypt.

Allgood -- forget about your clients and what they've said about cheating -- just focus on YOU and your situation and WHO YOU ARE and what ACTION you see from your WH. Make YOUR needs the central focus of your life right now and pay close attention to your WH in a more detached way. Especially look closer for LITTLE changes. I know that sounds strange, but they're a better indicator of internal changes than some grand gesture.

One thing I keep reminding myself is that *I* was, for the most part, happily married. Things need to change for that to be the case for him, too, but there it is. I was happy, even while all this nonsense was going on -- though I was aware of, deeply concerned about and trying to help with my WH's unhappiness, and the only two possibilites are that (1) he stays the same, in which case the relationship has become too bad for me to stay in, or (2) it's finally just US, things finally get better, THIS is rock-bottom and the worst part of our marriage is already over. Why quit when you're on the upswing? Yes, there's a big nasty hill to climb back up -- but I bet the view is great from there.

Having said all that -- How do you feel about post-nups? Seriously.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but let the heart do what it does best...love....

Miracle - I loved your entire post (no surprise ) but I loved this line most of all.
And yes, I still do have a bit of my wall up but not nearly as much as I have in the past. Fortunately my H has been pretty consistent with his behavior and his commitment to me and our family and that has allowed me to open my heart a little more with each passing day.
I think this is key - time and seeing some real, positive changes in our S's. I wish this for each of you. Again, there's no guarantee but when we see our S's leaving their comfort zones and making changes to help in our healing, it really does do wonders for R. I just wish those S's who are resistant would see that they are preventing their BS's from moving forward.

Patience is not one my virtues.

Ats - It's not one of mine either but devotion to my family is so that's what helped me to hang in there during the rough times. I just wanted to be absolutely sure I gave my H every opportunity to show us that he wanted to be a loving, faithful member of our family. So far, I have been happy with my decision to do this. Only you can say whether you can be in this for the long haul but your W does seem to need to step up and make some much needed and delayed changes.

This place has magical healing powers for me.

It is magical, isn't it? I don't think I ever could have come this far without everyone here. Btw, I wanted to say to you, and Ats, and Tryn that it has been a nice addition to our LTA forum to have the men here. When I first started there were a few who would drop in on occasion but no one (at least that I can remember) who really stayed and contributed almost daily.
It's been great having the guy perspective and especially some guy humor. I, for one, hope you all stay around for a while and I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

I am afraid if I start crying, I may not stop.

Fun - I'm with Miracle here. You have to start letting go. Crying does wonders to release the pent up pain and anger. I cried almost daily after d-day. I never held back on whatever emotion I was feeling actually. If I was in my angry mode, watch out, I was a raving lunatic.
When I was sad, I cried until I had no tears left.
If I needed to withdraw, I planned an activity and acted as if my life was completely normal. I am a strong believer in acknowledging and expressing my emotions. I've never been very good at suppressing them. IMHO, I have always believed that suppressing strong emotions over time will make you physically ill and from my personal experience, I feel pretty good. I know it must be a little difficult because you have to perform at work every day, but maybe letting yourself cry on the way to work, on the way home from work, or whenever you need a release will help you to be free of some of the anger and pain you seem to be locked into right now. And for what it's worth, don't try to hide your tears from your H. I think it is so important to show them the pain their infidelity has caused us. That's just MHO. (((Fun)))

Miracle - I haven't heard from UKG in a while - I'll see if I can locate her.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:41 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today, well, today I guess for me is the day he finally decided to put me first, the day he finally realized and saw MY PAIN, recognized my suffering and did the right thing and told the truth. If the WS's in the world only realized how much damage they are really doing by lying after the damage of the "act" of betrayal has been done. And for any WS reading this and has not told the whole truth - do it now. It will free you both.

I was just reading in R this post from Hopelessromantic and at first I thought, Wow, this is exactly what so many of us here have been trying to get through to our FWS's.
Then I looked at her bio and saw that d-day was less than one month after her H's A began.
I couldn't help thinking (and I hope this does not come across as trying to minimize the value of her H's ability to come clean)
how much more difficult it is for any of our S's who have been involved in these LTA's to do this for us. Imagine the extent of what it is they would have to tell us in order to "come clean." Imagine the fear of our reaction or (and this I completely understand) even the feeling that they are protecting us from so much of the awful truth. My H gave me TT over a period of about 6 months and each time it hurt like hell but honestly, I don't think I could have handled having him spill everything to me at once. I know this is just me and that I'm rambling but this post has me thinking and I was wondering if any of you have comments or feelings you'd like to share. Also, after 6 months of TT and his admission that the A had been going on for 8 years, I finally told him, Enough. No More. LTA's are so unique and IMHO require a different set of rules for R. Each of us is unique too. I do value total honesty but I have to say that had I learned the ugly facts of my H's LTA all at once, I'm not so sure I would have survived the initial blow. TT for me really was an easier way to deal with his A.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455, you summed up very well how I feel (or try to feel) too, well worded.
One thing I keep reminding myself is that *I* was, for the most part, happily married. Things need to change for that to be the case for him, too, but there it is. I was happy, even while all this nonsense was going on -- though I was aware of, deeply concerned about and trying to help with my WH's unhappiness, and the only two possibilites are that (1) he stays the same, in which case the relationship has become too bad for me to stay in, or (2) it's finally just US, things finally get better, THIS is rock-bottom and the worst part of our marriage is already over. Why quit when you're on the upswing? Yes, there's a big nasty hill to climb back up -- but I bet the view is great from there.

forgivenotforget, as to TT and LTA, I got some of that for the first 6 - 7 months (I hope it is all over). Actually, mine was some information the first few weeks, then a 4-page addition at 7 months. I often think it would have been better all at once near dday when I was numb already. Would that have pushed me to immediate separation? I cannot say. I can say that FWW lying and withholding for so long crushed what trust and respect I had left and has made things now much harder to R. I also think that with years of involvement there is just so much that it greatly complicates the R process.

FWW and I talked when she got home last night. Neither of us is good at addressing painful topics and feelings. It was tense. I was angry and lectured a bit , and she was very defensive. On the positive side, I did not kick or throw anything. The discussion ended when it was time to leave to go to the gym. After an hour of spin while I was in yoga, FWW had processed the discussion and dropped her defensiveness. We went to get a coffee and tea to continue or discussion. FWW told me that she is working hard to change her behaviors, but acknowledge it is not yet enough, nor as fast as I deserve. She will keep working on this, and says that she is doing the best that she is able. After almost 20 years of blaming me for her unhappiness in the marriage, and holding on to the associated anger, she says that it is hard for her to be consistently supportive and engaged. She acknowledges that she has been defensive and withdrawn to “give me space”, behaviors that come more naturally to her than engaging when I am upset. We are both afraid of being hurt, and tentative in trusting each other; me because of the recent history, her because of her ACOA issues and events earlier in her life.

She told me that after a lifetime of leaving jobs and an xH when things became difficult, she wants to stay and work through the issues in our M with me. We both agree we got off track during the last 3 – 4 weeks. With graduation and her new job, we were no longer spending time together enjoying each other’s company as we had been doing. We are going to return to spending time together a priority in our lives. She wants to see and hear some hope that things can and will get better between us; I want her to convince me that she really wants to have a M with me, that I am more than comfortable and convenient.

We talked about older son’s lack of responsibility and sense of entitlement. She agrees that he needs the opportunity to learn responsibility, even if the lessons are painful in the short term. Next week is a 2-day orientation at the college for older son. I was going with him, but since last weekend, he wanted FWW to go instead. Now, we are all going to go as a family for this and play by ear who attends with him, and who entertains younger son.

An odd thing, she told me she received a call from OM#1’s cell phone last Thursday evening. OM#1 is the one who works where I do (I helped him get the job 4 years ago). I do not check the records everyday anymore, and this is the period between billing cycles when current records are not available online, so I was not aware of the call. She says the caller, not OM#1, said he had found the phone in the road and was calling to see if anyone recognized the number and knew who’s phone it was. Younger son was with her at the time, and when I asked indirectly, he corroborated her story. She did not recognize the number at the time, but later when DS looked up the area code online, she realized who it might be. She called the number from a payphone and got his voicemail. It freaked her out, and with me angry, she was afraid to say anything about it. Their A was over 3 years ago when she dropped OM#1 for OM#2. I don’t want to confront him at work, and he lives in a gated community, so I am going to email him to ask what the f*ck his problem is still having her number on his phone, and make it clear we want no contact from him, even if by accident.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

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