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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle. Good to see you laugh. Did you notice that yesterday m3 may have invented a new word. Craptastic! I'm not sure I have ever seen that word before. I could be wrong though. The lightbulb in my head is getting pretty dim.

honest. Yes, us guys are pretty simple sometimes. I do need to point out that some of you gals can be way to complicated for us. You all can make what seems the most simple thing into way much more. Of course I am not refering to any of the fine women here at SI.

m3. Speaking of complicated. Your recent posts have been very interesting to say the least. You have given me many things to think about. Good stuff. I will need to read all of that a few times before I get my simple mind to comprehend all of it.

We need a baby update, please.

nofun. You can offer some assistance to help your H get out of his funk, but it will not help that much if he does not try to help himself. It sounds like he is in a pretty dark place. We all know how crappy these dark places can be. I'm sure it is hard for you to feel very sorry for him because you are still angery and so hurt yourself. I hope your vist to his IC helps you in your attempt to deal with all this.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baby update. Good point.

I should give the kids nicknames, like miracle's manchild.

DS 1 (8) is The Pharaoh.
DS 2 (3) is Little Pasha
DS 3 (1) is Sunshine
and we'll stick to Baby Paddy for DD -- though at home her *real* nickname is Snookie (yes, from Jersey Shore )

yes, these are real nicknames we have for them.

Baby Paddy is VERY smiley, cooing a lot, and even laughs some. The idea of being put down is VERY offensive to her. So, she is, indeed a Princess. I shouldn't spoil her so much, but she's got me wrapped around her little finger and she knows it. She *theoretically* has a bed and yet somehow worms her way into mine at some point each night. She has some sort of "fall asleep before I do when you're nursing me" mojo.

oops! got to run unexpectedly (work) TTL


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I really admire all the deep soul searching you are doing about your marriage and what you both have done in it. On top of that, you are coming to terms with your first marriage. This is a very difficult thing to do. You are right, it is good to explore WHY it didn't bother you to see your xWH kissing someone else years ago.
Sometimes I wonder if I am getting stuck in "victim mode" in my healing. I don't want to explore that far into what I did to add to the events that led up to the affair. I think I'm afraid to, because the way I am, I would end up taking the full blame as usual, which is not true.
I'm glad to hear that the baby is doing well, and that her mother is starting to do even better.

Nofun: I am so sorry you are in a funk. It seems that your WH is in a place that he cannot help you, never mind help himself. You cannot "fix" him. He is unreasonable to expect that. You can support him in terms of his going to IC.
I feel you don't want to be in limbo. Not knowing where you are going. I would suggest that you do make a decision: NOT to make a decision right now. Possibly, you could give it 6 more months. In the meantime, you can work on yourself, get your ducks in a row, and just be KIND to yourself and WH. As time goes on, hopefully, WH can get to a better place, a place where you and he can try to build a new relationship, but if that is not the case, at least you'll know that you gave it one last shot.

Dip: LOL, I know that women can be incomprehensible to men! LOL I am even incomprehensible to myself!!

How are you doing Miracle? Check in. {{{{Miracle}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

o.k. time for me to play catch up...i am feeling back to me for the most part, so here goes...

ats: my goodness, i saw your picture of you and your wife in f&g....its very nice to see you.. ...you are a good looking couple...

i hope your weekend goes so much better then you feel...remember at all times that you and your wife have been making tremnsous strides in healing each other as well as your marriage...that is the most important part of all of it...and after going through all you have gone through, everything else is a piece of cake...


m3: you r point of view amazed me...your take on it all is so totally different from any other perspective i have seen....you are working so hard on you and your marriage....bravo girl....bravo...i am looking into one of those books btw...so thanks for the referrals...

i am curious as to what your husbands take on all of this is....

-- and on some level, he did have a right to take those choices from me.

if all of those choices involved others getting hurt like your children especially then yes i see this point clearly...but if not, well that would be another story all together..


i am loving watching you unfold everything step by step btw....it is really cool, i almost feel like i could see the wheels turning in your head...even though i haven't clue what you look like, i could see those wheels..

"Well, that's it. Between the two of us we've now officially done pretty much everything you can do wrong in a marriage, and we're still sitting here next to each other and we're still making love -- that's got to be worth a lot."

i'll second that!!!


fun:

He's such an unhappy person. He keeps telling me that he wants me to get him out of his funk

this to me takes a pair of balls...he expect you to make him feel better...and what is it pray tell that he is going to do about making you feel better...he is the one who ran your marriage off into a ditch...and now he wants you to make him feel better....i am sorry fun but this to me is just plain...how stupid could you be? kind of crap...its like do you want to remain married or do you need to push you away.....and push you away in an asinine manner...i get the impression he will want to blame you for something here....i could be off the mark...but i really think he is setting himself up for failure and putting it into your hands, so that he doesn't have to take responsiblity...i hope i am wrong on this one...

I am so grateful for all the other wonderful things I have in my life...my children, my family, my friends, my business, my home. If I could just get rid of the thorn in my side. But in my heart of hearts, I'm just not ready. I don't feel strong enough to end it.

more like a thorn in your heart...and don't worry about being strong enough...when youre ready if ever, it'll come then....just take it one day at a time....

honest:

how is your sons foot?....

how's your car?....is it ready to make a trip to that library to settle that discrepancy so that you could be on the road to your master's...maybe you will be able to register for fall classes..

and yay...you vented to your ws...i lok forward to hearing about you doing alot of that..
standing up for yourself can be scary when you are not used to it....but it really does get easier each time you do, you know..


dip:

miracle. Good to see you laugh.

thank you...


Craptastic

add it to the library!!


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: Believe me, I truly understand the "Superwoman" syndrome. WH basically was oblivious to all the running around I was doing, and perhaps just as I was finishing something he would ask, "Do you need any help?"

I just realized last year that I was getting more and more resentful about it. It just wasn't WH either. I realized that at the holidays I would be in the kitchen all by myself while everyone was out in the living room not offering any help. I finally made myself a promise that I would NOT try to do it ALL on my own. I would ask for help and NOT get resentful. It worked. I just started to ask for help. Last Christmas it worked out so well too! All 4 of DS's were in the kitchen and we were laughing and making jokes and I was having fun. I told WH that I was going to specifically ask for help and not get resentful.
I know a lot of women get upset because we feel that THEY SHOULD SEE that we need help. But they don't. It works best that we ask nicely, say it is too much for us (a hard thing to admit....we always feel we can and should be able to do it all!!!) Get rid of the resentment.
So I suggest that you explain to your WH that you need help when the baby is clinging to you. Try not to angry and frustrated that he was oblivious to it!!You need to be specific as to what you need him to do. I've told WH that perhaps he can help me make supper at times, we both don't want to do it, but working together can make an unpleasant chore go faster. (I KNOW, there are a lot of people who do like to cook, I'm not one of them. Perhaps because I was always rushing coming home from work with the kids complaining "I'm hungry!!" and then, when supper was ready, the kids would complain they didn't like it, to which I always replied, "This is not a restaurant. You eat what is put in front of you!" (yes, I'm old school ) )

You know, Allgood, my WH suggested during false R that we not talk about the A for awhile and just try to be kind and nice to each other. He wasn't suggesting to sweep it under the rug, but to take a break from it. It did work a bit and started to get us on track.

{{{Allgood}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle:

if all of those choices involved others getting hurt like your children especially then yes i see this point clearly

Well -- the choices are divorce or stay together, right? I would be fine alone with all of my kids now, but then, with just The Pharaoh, it wouldn't have been OK. I wasn't functioning. And he wouldn't have gotten custody, because I'm the mom. The first time I ever saw my IC, 5 years ago, I told her WH was cheating on me. I was so delusional, she couldn't figure out whether there was any basis for that or not, but I didn't have any real facts, things pointed the other way, and also I was so bad off she decided that even if he WAS cheating on me -- I couldn't handle it and would probably kill myself. Seriously. She told me this because she gave me a HUGE apology because she did play some role in me not trusting my gut.

Anyway, that's the past.

It was the book When Good People Have Affairs that really got my wheels turning. There is a section about breaking up (because the point of the book is to help the wayward break up with SOMEONE) and she points out that if you're with the kind of person who would threaten suicide you just shouldn't be with them whether they mean it or not. They're either way too mean or they are a very serious psychiatric case.

I've been suicidal. I just have. It sucks, it isn't something you choose, but it happens. And it made me realize that, really, WH should have dumped me. When I was my sickest I thought he should dump me. I wished he would dump me. I honestly thought in my more lucid moments that he should take The Pharaoh away from me for the little guys own good.

So, he deserves kudos for the "in sickness and in health" even if he slipped on the "forsaking all others."

ETA -- to FUN -- my WH asked me if I was going to fix him and I told him sadly I've learned you can only fix yourself. I told him to work on it with his IC -- my IC once said I can fix you if you want to be fixed. I can show you the way, but you have to do the work.

Happiness is a choice. it's not something that falls in your lap, that you buy, that you stumble upon like a shiny penny on the sidewalk. Learning to be happy and maintaining that is the #1 priority in and central focus of my life. Not for my own benefit, but for the benefit of those around me, especially those whose fragile hearts I'm responsible for.

[This message edited by m334455 at 1:17 PM, June 11th (Friday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: Cross venting syndrome: I was posting the same time as you.

ok, ETA: I did finally go to the library and was able to talk to the asst. prof. in charge and I was able to negotiate the fine to half! Thanks Allgood for that suggestion! I put in a request for my transcript and I'm on my way! Thank you for pushing me!

The car has been in the shop for a week (had to order parts) and I just got a call that it's ready.

DS 11 is doing ok. The stitches are on his heel, so it does make it difficult to walk. The ER gave his a special shoe to use for the time being. He was so very brave when getting his stitches. He's my sweetie.
Our exchange:
DS: I love you
Me: I love you more
Ds: I love you MOST!

I try to focus on those good things. I really at this time would prefer NC with WH, but can't because of the kids.
It was easier with xWH before all this technology and facebook. I didn't know what he was doing, nor did I want to. I saw him briefly 2x a week when he saw our kids, but otherwise, NC. It's hard at first, the withdrawl, but easier later. I don't want it constantly shoved in my face what WH is doing. It's a constant reopening of the wound. The wound is festering, and I just want it left alone for awhile so it can heal.

I am trying to distance myself and withdraw from the addiction I have to WH. <sigh>

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and just a question -- how come I can only see the Wayward Side when I'm logged out? Did I get banned or something?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3. Thank you for the Baby Paddy/Snookie/Princess update. So she is spoiled? Good for her. She picked a good mother. Is it not strange how they manage to get from their own bed to yours, before they are able to walk? They are full of magic tricks.

What you wrote about the suicide caught my attention. It is hard to dump someone who is threatning to do this if you really do think they are serious. I know that this threat is a well known way for a person to manipulate and cling to someone. You feel like you better be sure this is just a threat. Death is forever. This is a hard thing to deal with.

honest. I am glad to see that you are getting the education thing going. Good for you. I want to point out how much progress you have made since you come to the LTA house. I think I can remember a time when you were feeling bad about not contributing as much as you wished you could to this place. Just looking at your posts today, I must say that you have overcome that little problem.

It is funny what you wrote about wanting help in the kitchen. When I am not grilling, my W often wants me to help her. Our kitchen is kind of small. After I have been in there awhile, of course I get in the way. Then she wants me out. Another catch-22 situation in my life.

miracle. Are you keeping the list of new words in the library? I'm not. Thank you for teaching me the blinking eyes trick. When I asked m3 for the baby update I used that method. She answered right away, so it must have worked.

O.K. women of the tribe. From a man's persepctive, the words "fix him" cause many of us to cringe a little. I'm not naming names, but those words were used today. It somehow makes us think of poor old Rover and his life changing trip to the vets.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.cheaterregistry.com/

ETA --- sooo tempting!

[This message edited by m334455 at 2:49 PM, June 11th (Friday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - you are so brave to go that deep in your soul. I know in my heart while this A was going on all these years that something was not right. I even told my sister at one point that I thought my H was seeing someone...yet because he wasn't paying attention...I had the opportunity o do things I was never able to do before. So I ignored all the warning signs, turned the other cheek and went on my merry way having a blast for myself. 8 years of kicking up my heels, going dancing with my girlfriends, weekend sleep overs at my mom's house, smoking pot, etc.

But also during that time, I went back to school, went to work after being out of the work force for 20 years, purchased a company and here I am.

I got married right out of high school, had 3 kids and never really got to "have fun". So when H stepped out, I did too, just not in the way that he did.

I woke up one day about 3 years ago and realized I didn't have a relationship and that the fun and games were over. I tried to talk to H about it. I told him that we had drifted apart and asked if he would please stop going out with "the guys" on Friday nights, spend more time with me so we could get our marriage back on track. He refused. That's when I started to snoop and the rest is history.

I guess when they say it takes two, they really mean it. I just can't go as deep as you yet. I know I contributed to the M blowout. You got my mind in a spin and I'm going to go out and get those books this weekend.

The MC did tell me today that my H is romantizing his M. He wants his M to be like the A. He doesn't necessarily miss OW, but he misses the fantasy, the romance, the attention he got. MC says H sincerely loves me but he's lost. I told MC he needs to come back to reality. Interesting

honest - I'm not going to make a decision, I just feel so frustrated. I told the MC, that H has to at least give me SOMETHING...A crumb for goodness sake. Let me know he's still here and alive!!!!

Mirace -

i get the impression he will want to blame you for something here....i could be off the mark...but i really think he is setting himself up for failure and putting it into your hands, so that he doesn't have to take responsiblity...i hope i am wrong on this one...

I think you are right on the mark. H loves to blame everyone but himself. He told me that he doesn't want to be a failure. So if anybody ends the M, it will be me. He would never end it because then he would be a failure.

I told him the other night that I knew his co-worker was having an A. He was shocked I knew. The co-workers wife is a recent survivor of luekemia and a lovely beautiful kind woman. I called his whole shift a bunch of losers including WH because all of them are cheaters. WH got mad at me (I probably shouldn't have said it, but tough)for calling him a loser. He can't handle being called a name, let alone a failure.

allgood - I think you are "Superwoman"

dip - you are right AGAIN -
I am angry and hurt and only he can get himself out of that dark place. Maybe I can give him a flashlight?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun. He said the same thing about wanting the fantasy to be in your M to his good friend. He is C
consistant. I think it is hard to make a real marriage like the A though. Giving him a flashlite could help. Just not one of those big police type lites up the side of his head.

I will sign off for the weekend by quoting the best line of the day. nofun said, "Dip, you are right AGAIN."

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip: Something you said reminded me of a joke:

A woman finds a genie who gives her 3 wishes. She wishes to be rich. She wished to have a wonderful house. Then she looks at her faithful dog and says," I wish my dog could be turned into a handsome man."

Poof! The genie grants the wishes. The dog is now a gorgeous man and says to the lady, "Now you'll be sorry you had me fixed!!!".


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was just thinking (a dangerous past time, I know )

I was at my neighbor's before. Her bf of one year called to ask if she wanted him to bring home anything. (they've been living together for a while)
While I was there, he called again to say he was running a few minutes late. "Ok, no problem, take your time. I'll wait to you come to put the spaghetti on."

I don't know, just listening to this "normal" exchange of two people who respected one another made me realize the maturity of a relationship I was missing.
Made me think of xWh and you Allgood and habits. When we were younger, it was like xWH didn't check in like that, didn't want to answer to "Mommy". KWIM? Even though we got older, that old habit and way of relating still existed.
Current WH usually calls if he is late or will stay out with his friend to eat. Common courtesy. Not like we're keeping tabs on them. But it would get less and less, and getting comments like "I don't have to answer to you."
WH told me he doesn't want to answer to anyone anymore. I said then you can't be married, because that is common courtesy to a relationship. He said he just wanted to be free.
This was months ago.

I'm just still trying to get my head around everything. I have to set him and myself free.

While we're talking about OUR contributions to the A, when WH's started, we WERE fine at the time. We always got along. I felt that he loved me, but I guess he was a great actor....I don't know.
Our problems got worse as time went on with the A and his double life that I didn't know about.

So many of us, and me in particular, just want this all resolved....we just want the pain to stop and be able to go on. I have felt like I'm spinning my wheels and going nowhere.

Thank you Dip for the encouragement that I'm getting somewhere. Often we don't feel that we are moving forward and need the objective opinions!!

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, June 11th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When will I finally learn NOT to tske Ambien after drinking?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, June 12th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is 3 am local and I cannot sleep.

Friday evening FWW, SD#1 (mean one), and I stayed up talking and drinking. All were pretty tipsy, me much more so than I realized. After listening to FWW go on and on with SD#1 about how much better things are and how much she now loves me, I got a little angry. On the way to bed I asked FWW the question she never answers. It is a rather mild question, compared to what she has told me, but when I ask if she performed oral sex on OM#1 she always deflects. True to form she became defensive and asked why I needed to know that, that she has already answered that (she hasnt). Add an Ambien to the mix and I blacked out and later got up and stumbled into things. My stumbling woke up FWW who was pissed that I was drunk. The stumbling around was the Ambien and the alcohol together, but I seem to be losing my ability to self-monitor my alcohol consumption, and need to just stop after a couple of drinks. I never had issues with alcohol before, but in the last few months I am worried that I am seeing a pattern.

Saturday FWW spent most of her day hanging out with SD#1&2 and SD#2's boyfriend. For the first part of the day she did not talk to me. As people began to arrive she began to give me a hug here or there and tell me she loved me. It felt manipulative.

I remember now how she would just be one of the kids. She gave the boyfriend a couple of big hugs and goes on and on about how hunky he is. After supper she was on the lanai with the kids drinking. They were all having a blast from the sound of it, too smoky, too much like college for me, and after a couple beers I was done drinking for the night. I spent some time in the kitchen talking with FWWs sister who seemed a little annoyed by FWWs behavior. I felt like SIL and I were chaperones at a kids party. I am feeling torn again about not telling my SIL about FWW and BIL phone sex when I discovered it just before dday.

Everyone left for their hotel about 11:00 pm. Youngest DS went with SD#2 (nice one) and her boyfriend to stay at the hotel. Boyfriend did not seem too pleased that she invited him along. SD#1 went with SIL to share a room. With everyone including kids out of the house I thought we might have some together time, but FWW went straight to bed and passed out, cold.

They have all commented on how much weight Ive lost and wonder how I did it. Duh, they all knew about the As before I did you would think they could look at the timing and figure it out. SD#2 did take a moment when things were calm to ask how I was doing. I could tell she was really concerned and it was a nice gesture.

It seems that virtually everything talked about, everyone who has come to visit, and the things I have done today stir memories. When I lay down I am flooded with events from the marriage. Episodes of FWW wrapping herself up in the kids and wondering why I was such a stick in the mud, her flirty behavior (I used to like that), her identification with children over adults, lack of planning, but then frustration when things did not work out the way she wanted, wondering if there is more she has not told me. I find myself thinking that I really could do better than her. Someone who would be a partner, not another child to take care of.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, June 12th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: I wasn't planning on posting this morning, but your post got to me.

First, as Tryn isn't here let me remind you that you do not want to ask questions about what they did, especially as I think you already know the answer. I haven't asked my husband these questions, even tho I'm a detail person, because I already know the answer too: anyone in a LTA did EVERYTHING they would typically do in a relationship. So, if she did it with you, she did it with him. I'm sorry to say it like that. What has helped me is trying to define my breaking point. When these questions come up in my head, I literally think of what the worst case scenario is & what my response would be. My H did A LOT of minimizing of their relationship to me & it quite frankly tortured me for months trying to put together the pieces of the puzzle together - finally I came to the realization (with a lot of help from the people here) that this A was an emotionally & physically invested relationship in every sense of the meaning other than time & secrecy.
Initially my thinking was that if my H was in love with OW that's "it". I was done - what's the point. Now, I accept the facts as they were & focus on my choices.
Like you, I think I could do better. I have 1/2 my life ahead of me - I could find someone who would really love me, be a true partner - someone I could trust. Even stupid things like - my H and I rarely have the same days off - I'm alone with the kids a lot - I don't need to spend my life like that - I could find someone else. This hit me like a ton of bricks last night as our anniversary is this week.
Anyway, I'm living day by day. I hate that. I liked the security & comfort of being in a relationship where I didn't always have to be "on". I like the security of knowing I would have someone by my side forever. That is gone.
As much as I love my husband, the first thought that pops into my head when I look at him is "this is the man who broke my heart".
In many ways, my H is similar to the way you describe your wife. He is immature. He, like a child, doesn't think about consequences before acting. I can't tell you how many times (pre D-Day) we have argued about something, to the point where the night is ruined & the next day he tells me I'm right. He's admitted to me that he just wants to have fun & not have to hear about it. Like, he knows he does stupid things, but it won't stop him from doing it over & over again. Many times I have said that I feel like his parent.
(Gotta wrap this up as my 1y.o is waving "Bye-Bye" to the computer screen). Lol.)
Ats, everything about the A was awful. If you can accept it & your wife's current behavior is such that is makes you happy to be with her & trust is starting to be restored, than go for it. Otherwise, you do have options.

P.S. I believe that it is only a matter of time before my H resorts to all of his selfish, immature ways, I am on high alert for any behavior of him reverting to this. This will be a red flag to me. Are your concerns about staying in R based upon not being able to get past the hurt, or your wife's inability to change/be trusted?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, June 12th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats -
I seem to be losing my ability to self-monitor my alcohol consumption, and need to just stop after a couple of drinks. I never had issues with alcohol before, but in the last few months I am worried that I am seeing a pattern.

I can relate to this. I too am worried about myself. Instead of Ambien, I take an ativan, I'll have a couple of drinks, and I've smoked some pot. This is not me at all. But it dulls the pain. I've been doing this for the past year. The last two nights I have done nothing, no drink, no pot, no ativan. My oldest daughter said she was concerned about me because the minute I hit the front door, I mix up a manhattan. She says it's like you need a drink in order to get through the next 5 hours with dad. She's right though. It's scary.

Another thing you said was that your wife is flirty. My H can be flirty when he has a couple of drinks and we go out. Women are always smiling, winking at him, you name it, right in front of me. It never bothered me before but now it infuriates me. I've seen with my own eyes women putting their phone numbers in his pocket when they thought I wasn't looking. Today I would go right up and confront the whores, but back then I trusted him. Idiot that I was.

I just want you to know that you are not alone.

Don't let the alcohol get the best of you though. Nobody is worth that. I'm going to try to let up on the self destructive behavior myself. Because that is what it really is.

The emotions of this whole thing are so devestating that at times I wonder if FWH is worth it. Worth all the shit I am going through. The thing that kills me the most, is that FWH will never know the pain. Oh he has his own pain, I'm sure...but certainly not like this.

Hang in Ats!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 12th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to make an image for Honest...

I call it Honesty, is it a Fault

Honestly, put this blindfold on my love
Honestly, the sand is white and water so fresh
Honestly, hear the clean water splash on my face
Honestly, that rose is color of red.
Honestly, my belief is monogamy
Honestly, I promise to be your mate, your partner
http://www.flickr.com/photos/44718929@N07/4693505854/

For over a year, I truely wanted to murder my wife's former secret lover... This week, I saw him in person for the first time since dday. I took a second look, a brief thought about approaching him... but I just moved on. You know what? Not really a thought about him the rest of the day. I thank God I Surviving Infidelity.

Just want to wish all in pain some thoughts... Stay positive... Think ahead... forgive... pardon... look out after yourself... make your own choices not based in fear, but toward you own happiness. You can do it... Go get it.

Peace to all

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:16 AM, June 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 12th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Thank you so very very much. This really touched me so much!! How did you know I love the beach and the water so much?

There is so much imagery in this!! Is that supposed to be a house in the background? and a stranded boat?

WOW! and WH smokes too!

Thank you! Thank you! This was a huge gift!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
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