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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for that LostH. I think youíve made a good point and itís something I was dealing with in IC sometime ago but had forgotten about. I need to revisit and get those books out again. Honour your feelings. I need to stop pushing stuff down. I donít know why I do it, but it is a form of self punishment when I should be hitting FWH with it all!
Those were mad days and looking back I think if someone IRL had really looked, I would have been sectioned.
Ditto
A bout of Miraculilitis Dipstickeria

nofun, best place to bring things up with a FWS who wonít listen or communicate is in MCÖÖÖÖ

so for those of you in your funks...acknowledge the feeling, then do something about it....do something FUN...
Or anything that distracts, esp if itís a lovely day outside. Get with other people and feel good for a while. I watched the Blues Brothers soon after d-day. Iíd forgotten what a really good movie it is, I was laughing and singing along. The FWH said how good it was to see me laugh Ė really laugh Ė and it somehow put the mockers on it!!!

Ats, thatís not an unexpected response. There are times when I think it would have been easier to have had the cut of divorce, a severing of ties and moved on. Not suffered with the TT for a couple of years. The road to divorce would have been made easier with the uncovering of lies and TT. I also still do not understand why he didnít just GO. He loved MOW so much, was so obsessed, why didnít he go? Their individual family issues, thatís why. Iím still convinced that if I had found out in those early days, he WOULD have gone. But thatís a moot point now. So, we plod on. But it does get better. Slowly. Keep remembering LTA=LTRecovery. One step at a time.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's about safety.

fnf -- so true. But WH could never make me feel safe again. I have to make me feel safe. I have to set my life up so that I don't need him even one iota. And that is exactly what I'm going to do. There will be no more M3 sacrificing anything for the good of the family because as far as I'm concerned I am 100% responsible for all 4 kids and both nannies all by myself and I won't let them down.

miracle --
No, her BH is terribly unhappy. I know SO much about them because one of my live-in nannies was their live in nanny for 2 years. She is convinced he knows.
And I am convinced she is cheating on him with other people too. I think he knows this, has been unable to stop her, and simply doesn't want to lose daily contact with his kids. The reason I think she's cheating on him with others too is that I told WH a list of weird statements she'd made about her "friend" and her "aunt" who have been having affairs and SOME of both of them were about my WH (sick, so sick, I know) but not even HALF of them were. That helped snap WH partway out of the fog right away. He realized he's not quite as special to her as he thought he was. PLUS she is ALWAYS putting the moves on guys when her BH and my WH aren't around. She casts a wide net, so to speak.

Ok -- so he deserves to know. Well, he deserves the proof, he does know. But, I know he controls all of their finances, so he's not in too much danger there. Of course, he'd get out of paying alimony and he'd get more custody if she divorces him for someone else in our state because of the adultery . . . tough call.

I might do it. I do see the reasons why its the right thing to do.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marzipan -- welcome.
Wow, compartmentalize much, crazy man?

You, my dear, have provided the answer to your own question of how a person can lead such a deceptive double life. compartmentalize + selfishness = asinine behavior.

I would D my WH in your situation too. The money would be what put it over the top for me. I've looked and looked and my WH didn't spend that much money on his OW. It still sucks, mind you.

Ats --
Your answer to FWW was honest and, FWIW, correct. A divorce is MUCH easier than this. I've been divorced and I know that.

I've come up with my own personal heierarchy of cruelest things a spouse can do:
(1) Refuse to have a child (caveat -- if you agreed not to have children before marriage OR if you already have 2 children this does not apply)
(2) Hurt or kill your children
(3) Have an affair
(4) physical/emotional abuse of you
(5) financial infidelity or irresponsibility
(6) substance abuse
(7) wind up in jail

That's about it for the serious list.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostheart: Thank you so very much for your post. The part of your post that really hit me the hardest was that we allow others to "beat us up" to the extent we do it to ourselves!! OMG!!! In my case, in the past, I usually beat myself up so much that if anyone was critical of me it put me over the edge, I couldn't take it. But, if the other person keeps it up, we allow it. Thank you for posting this!!
Your whole post was great. Thank you for sharing about the things you did when you acted on your feelings. So many of them I wish I actually did!!

Atsen: You may feel badly that you told WW the truth about your feelings, and honestly, it would have been better. My first xWH suddenly told me he wanted to separate. He stayed for a few months because I begged him to for the holidays and the kids. He made it clear that he was leaving, period. I found out after he left of the A. BUT, he didn't put me through TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, etc. It hurt horribly, but not this hell that I've gone through this year. You know what? Even though xWH left, he still acted respectfully toward me in the sense he didn't play all those games.

That being said, I would advise you to tell WW that although it would have been easier if she had left initially, she didn't and you are glad that she stayed. Most of the time things that are worthwhile are HARDER and you HAVE TO WORK FOR THEM.

Miracle: Yes, it's good to try to do something fun and humor can really get us by. LOL, I've been trying to do fun things that I feel guilty about it!!!

Marzipan: I read your posts over in JFO. You are amazing!! You have incredible strength to do all that you have done. You are doing the right thing. Otherwise you would have to deal with blameshifting, gaslighting, false R etc. It's like being stabbed in the back and then tortured and then told it's all your fault!

Wh calls me to tell me to watch him on TV on the internet. I'm watching him wearing the tie I helped him to pick out, the suit too. He looks so well groomed, etc.
Why does he call me so I can watch? Why isn't it enough that all his friends and relatives and OW and OC's are watching that I have to watch too? Typical NPD. Also, in a very odd way, he wants MY approval. He had often said to me that I was his mother/father/family/best friend etc. <sigh> He wants unconditional love from me. Be the errant little boy that can always come home and get patted on the back so he can go out in the world to fuck OW and whoever else.
I came to the realization of what Tryn always kept saying that the WS will treat the OP like they treat us. Do the things that they did with us. If that is true, and I believe it is, then therefore my WH CANNOT have a true mature adult relationship with anyone. Watching this well groomed, best dressed award candidate on TV I realized that WH can only have a relationship with HIMSELF and that too, isn't a true, honest, healthy relationship.

I can logically see these things sometimes, but to completely internalize them is hard. My emotions and hurt get so much in the way. Your head tells you something, but your heart is still breaking and you are mourning over all the loss you are having and will continue to have.

lol, Dip, when you said you were rubbing those breasts with oil.......... I realize that I'm human and not dead!! I do miss......well..... A MAN to do the bbq!!!!!

{{{{tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest, I just want to say I enjoyed reading your post so, so much. I can see you are making your way back to being "you". NOW you sound like a fun, rational, confident person. I am now 100% sure you're going to be now even OK but great.

I forgot to tell everyone that I triggered and had a very sad moment where I missed OW over the weekend (we used to spend Memorial Day weekend together) -- and I almost cried -- but I straightened up and reminded myself that I do not miss my friend because in reality the person I thought of as my friend does not exist and never existed, it was simply a persona designed to gaslight me while having as much access to my WH as possible. Sigh. It's ok. New women, GENUINE women, women who ARE NOT BANGING MY HUSBAND are beginning to fill that void in my life. And only my oldest thinks of her kids and I've kept him pretty distracted with other friends. My one nanny who was her nanny misses her kids but won't see them out of loyalty to me. And she told me the other day she saw a move about a female sex addict that she said was just like it was living with OW, I'm not so surprised to hear. Nanny said she'd almost feel sorry for OW if OW hadn't hurt me so bad. I kind of know what she means.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can logically see these things sometimes, but to completely internalize them is hard. My emotions and hurt get so much in the way. Your head tells you something, but your heart is still breaking and you are mourning over all the loss you are having and will continue to have

Honest,
If we are going to do this right, we have to first accept that it is a long road with many roundabouts. Of course you are still in mourning. Your dday was like yesterday!
In fact, I wonder if you have hit the mourning stage or if you are in the initial shock phase. My first year was spent wondering around like a crazed manic mumbling, "Wha...?".

Be gentle with yourself. How about trying this? Come out of your self and see 'Honest' and all that she is going through. You are going to be her bestest friend/sister/mother person. How are you going to treat her? Think this through. Feed her well with her fav foods so she feels nourished inside. Run her long hot baths where she can soak her aching body. Take her on slow walks where she can see the beauty around her. Get her to spend time basking in her childrens' laughter so some light comes her way. Get her fav pjs and every night tuck her in bed with a nice book. I think you and I are alike. We dont love our selves v much. And you know what, its about bloody time we learnt!

So tell me Honest, how are going to take care of the most precious person you know?

***

Ats,
I agree with the others - NOBODY would want to go through this if they had a choice.
My H was already involved with OW#1 when we got together (he invited her and her H to our wedding!). I said it to him before and I even know it now - I wish we had never M'd. And as much as I love my children, I cant believe that they would have been better off born into this family than never at all. I know that sounds like an awful awful thing to say but thats how I feel. I am not saying that I wish I had never had them; I am saying that I wish that they would have been born to a better family than the one they have.

Your sensitivity to your W's feelings is admirable. Part of being a remorseful FWS, imo, is allowing a BS to express their thoughts and feelings, no matter how painful it may be for the FWS. Anyway,I bet she is feeling bad not for herself, but for putting you through this.

***
Like Miracle said, laughter is often the best medicine. How about some funnies to help our friends out of their funk?

A funny (which may be offensive to some so apologies in advance):

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

((((Tribe))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33,
This OW sounds like a piece of work. How were you two friends? What part of that friendship are you missing?She just sounds so bad!

As for your
nanny saying that stuff about the OW...I dunno why that makes me uncomfortable.
I became very cautious with all women after dday and it took some time before I let myself be friends with others. Maybe I am looking too much into it,( and I apologise deeply if I offend you) but I am hoping that your nanny is on the up and up, and not trying to stir you up. Its great that she chose to stay with you and your kids. However just be careful that you dont give too much away, alright? Protect yourself is all I am saying.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun. I'm sorry you are in such a funk. I hope your weekend with the girls will be a good time and a welcome distraction for you.

I agree that our WSs wewr aware of what they were doing and that they were totally selfish. I think the sick and crazy part is in the way that they were thinking. All cases have varriables, even though they seem so similar.

Allgood Funny is usually good. It seems to help the mind most, but not all of the time. I am still laughing about miracles description of why a man cooking is a turn on. Funny and erotic! It is to bad what your H said about the MC appointment. He is a rug sweeper for sure. I can sure relate to being so pissed that I wanted to avoid my W. This stuff makes you that way. Tryn is MIA and ats is a good choice to help hold down the fort. Whoever was in charge of letting tryn go and keeping me is a total idiot, and should be drug tested and then fired. This will go down as one of the worst moves in LTA forun history. Hell he could post all those neat charts/graphs and stuff. I can't even put a quote in a box without erasing my own message.

honest. Their reality and ours is so much different. The stories we see on here just boggle the mind. People are strange. I'm sorry you are in a funk too. I guess everyone is. Must have something to do with why we are here at SI. At least everybody has this place to come to. Now about that man to the ummm BBQ! I'm sure that when you get your situation straightened out, you would be able to find several good men who would be willing to do the BBQ. Many of them would probably be willing to also cook.

LH2. Miraculiltis Dipstickeria? Thank, I think. Emptying a vase on him while he was asleep? BSs everywhere are cheering about that one.

miracle. I hope manchild is better today. That must have been scary. BTW, just how long is a dew hours?Miraculitis Dipstickeria. I bet you thought it was really funny that I got the sort of shitty sounding name. I'm doing one of your favs today. Baby back ribs!


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still absorbing everyone's posts (Dip - u are very funny), but I thought I'd tell you something quick:

I was looking at my 6 year old's classwork & completely panicked when it said "LTA" on it. I was seriously freaking out - like does his teacher know I'm on this thread, etc. - took me a full minute to realize it stood for "language through art".

You just never, never never get a break from this stuff.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I see the comments about old dipstick and I holding down the fort, I think of the movie Beau Geste and lining up all of the dead soldiers to make the fort look staffed.

Thanks all for the feedback. HonestttoafaultI will talk with FWW this evening to reinforce that history being what is, I do not want her to leave now, and that I am happy to be rebuilding what we once had.


UKGirl, learning to tactfully express how I feel when I fear it may hurt FWW or someone else is one of my big chores in R. I was the Dr. Spock type (the pointy-eared one, not the baby doctor). Pretending everything was OK, or taking on the blame myself did not work so well It is hard worrying that people won't like you (they do) if they know what you really think. I have been surprised so many times when I bring something up and FWW says she was thinking/feeling the same thing.

Welcome Marzipan, as other wrote, you are doing an amazing job.

Hi Alex1, welcome to LTA. We could use another body in the men's barricks , but you will need to brush up on your grilling technique.

m334455, sorry you had a trigger, all of the holidays seem to bring up feelings. I know what you mean about finding new people as friends who are not interested in doing the spouse. Now if I could just get rid of my BIL.

Lost Heart2,

Come out of your self, see ĎHonestí, and all that she is going through. You are going to be her best friend/sister/mother person. How are you going to treat her?

I really liked this in your comment to Honest. Thank you.

Life must be getting better with FWW. I got on a scale this morning and I was up 5#, so salad tonight, no grilling or drinking

Take care all.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:42 PM, June 3rd (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, prematurepostulation again. Another good reason to keep tryn and trade me. He never did that!

It was a good break as I checked my cook and my grill had gotton a little to hot.

Now there are more posts to cover.

ats. You probably do not want to stir up more shit but if she is still pissed about your answer, you might point out that this discussion would not have taken place if she had not done what she did. It looks like she is trying to make you feel guilty for just being honest. If she had not had her A, how would you answer if she asked if you were glad that you were with her.

m3. I do not know how someone handles the double detrayal as well as you have. I can believe it when you had that moment about missing your friend. That has to be like when someone close dies and weeks/months later you somehow forget, and for a second you expect them to walk into the room. Then your mind snaps back to reality. It is normal but somewhat disconserting.

Allgood. Sometimes my W thinks I am not serious enough about things. This coming from someone who did not take her wedding vows serious?? Crazy! Now about the LTA school work? That is funny. I bet it did freak you out.

LH2. Thanks for the jokes.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl:

The FWH said how good it was to see me laugh Ė really laugh Ė and it somehow put the mockers on it!!!

i actually blinked again and again when i read this part...because after watching the show with the ventriquilist, those are almost the same words pfm used..

what are mockers????


m3:

I might do it. I do see the reasons why its the right thing to do.

i do think this will be the path of least regret...


I've come up with my own personal heierarchy of cruelest things a spouse can do:
(1) Refuse to have a child (caveat -- if you agreed not to have children before marriage OR if you already have 2 children this does not apply)
(2) Hurt or kill your children
(3) Have an affair
(4) physical/emotional abuse of you
(5) financial infidelity or irresponsibility
(6) substance abuse
(7) wind up in jail

That's about it for the serious list.

i hope these are not in order of cruelty...some are just much worse then others....

and sadly, i am learning to survive 3 and a half of these...

the 3 definitives would be the affair, financial betrayal and verbal/emotional abuse...and those were all to the extreme...

the half, which really shouldn't count by your standards is refusal of more children...i had to really fight really really hard for the 3 i have...i wanted more, i was denied...


honest:

,

I've been trying to do fun things that I feel guilty about it!!!

we really do need to work on this one honest....we need to rid you of this so undeserved guilt....we need the guiltbusters to come a knockin..

Why does he call me so I can watch?

because you will....and you will give him the validations, pats on the back, ego strokes...so of course he will call you...that one is a no-brainer..especially since there is no way in hell that man is ever going to be close to getting "it" any of it..

Tryn always kept saying that the WS will treat the OP like they treat us. Do the things that they did with us.

this is not one size fits all...because pfm most definitely didn't do for me what he did for them, any of them...skank and judge included...

My emotions and hurt get so much in the way. Your head tells you something, but your heart is still breaking and you are mourning over all the loss you are having and will continue to have.

and this is the $64,000 question...how to balance both, and satisfy both...

m3:

I missed OW

of course you did, you miss the friendship much more then you miss the actual her...its what the freindship gave you, its what the freindship meant to you...and it was the sharing in lives ...of course you miss it....

we all miss what WE THOUGHT WE HAD across the board...

lh2:

So tell me Honest, how are going to take care of the most precious person you know?

love this...i think we all need to do this for ourselves...

loved the funnies too btw...its a really good thing sometimes to have a poor memory, although i wish i could trade out what i do and don't remember at times...anyways...i didn't remember those jokes til i got to the punchlines..so it was like reading them for the first time...which made them just as funny both times...


but I am hoping that your nanny is on the up and up, and not trying to stir you up. Its great that she chose to stay with you and your kids. However just be careful that you dont give too much away, alright? Protect yourself is all I am saying.


very sound advice, we have become a totally cynical bunch....yet another after effect of infidelity...the gift that keeps on giving..


dip: i wouldn't say we are "stuck" with you...there is no one else who does bbq talk the way you do...

itis vs eria: eria means shit.. ...pray tell what does the itis stand for???


and manchild is doing better today, not quite 100%, but methinks the kids is milking it a bit...at least that is what i am hopin..


allgood:

6 year old's classwork & completely panicked when it said "LTA" on it.

oh my gosh, everywhere you look there are these damned abbreviations that are so "si"...between that and starting to "talk" si i am going slightly batty..

separating si stuff from irl stuff is hard work...its like i have to stay alert and on guard all the time..


ats:

Beau Geste

this is a great movie and as old as the hills..


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: Thank you, I am slowly feeling like I'm coming back. IC tells me every time WH comes home, I spiral downward, but am bouncing back more quickly each time.
I'm sorry about the trigger you had over the weekend. The double betrayal must is twice as hard. I'm glad to hear that you are finding some genuine friends.

I had a nanny when I was overseas and I found out the she knew about the LTA for ages and never told me. I understand why she didn't tell me, but it hurts. She told me a lot of info that I confronted WH with and later she told me she wouldn't tell me anything more because WH called her and yelled and threatened her if she told me anything more. WH said to me, "She's not as good a friend as you think." NOW I wonder if he didn't do it with her too...He denies everything anyway. And gets very mad if I ask any kind of question. He says that I shouldn't think about what he's doing overseas and just worry about what I'm doing. That's exactly what I'm trying to do!

Lost: Thank you so much for your kind, encouraging words. They actually brought tears to my eyes. I always put everyone else first, especially WH, so when he did what he did, it reinforced the conception that I wasn't any good anyway.
It's been a year this past weekend from Dday #1 and a few months from DDay 2 when he admitted he never left her and never will. When I discovered it was all false R. People IRL don't understand about that. They just think it's been a year, so what's my problem? I do feel I'm out of my initial shock stage and am mourning and trying to accept the reality and start to move on.
I'm mourning all the things I lost....my marriage, my husband/lover/best friend, the house overseas,etc. I have so much fear that I will lose more that I know logically is unfounded, but it's eating at me......
Ok, ok enough of the plom (poor little ol' me)!

Dip:

Many of them would be probably willing to also cook.

Thanks for the laugh!!

atsen: I think you are doing great. You seem to be open and honest with your feelings and willing to share them with your WW. I understand what you mean about being "tactful" when telling the truth. That's what I wish WH had done with me. He just blurted out such hurtful things without any thought of my feelings. One can say what's on one's mind without being mean! Bravo Atsen!

Allgood: lol about LTA on the school paper. I have to stop myself from using abbreviations IRL! I was telling my mother that I was going to my therapist and said "IC" and she said WHAT??

Miracle: I hope your DS is feeling better today. That's kind of scary! Those fumes are toxic! I also hope your vertigo is better.

A question, though. I've read in "General" a lot of people say that in the second year they found it very hard......is it because the initial shock/survival mode is over and we're starting to really face reality?
I have to remember too, what everyone says here LTA=Long term recovery and I'm trying to heal without any help from WH, just the opposite, more pain from him.
I'm on the roller coaster again and I was doing so well!!!! DAMN


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - It's my Dday this weekend too. This is the weekend I put the GPS in his vehicle, went away for the weekend and when I got back...was shocked beyond belief. I couldn't even confront him for three days.

Today I can feel my chest caving in. I get pains in my chest when I get that anxious. So it's a good thing I'm heading out to go shopping this weekend.

FWH hides money (which I found the hiding spot)so I helped myself to a couple of hundred and am going to have some fun.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the half, which really shouldn't count by your standards is refusal of more children...i had to really fight really really hard for the 3 i have...i wanted more, i was denied...

Actually, miracle, I do think it counts. I used to feel so sorry for OW that her BH wouldn't let her have more children. I guess I wanted to give it a caveat because my WH wants more children and I'm refusing. And really I feel terrible about it on some level. Interestingly enough, Dday came FAST after my proclamation that the only way he was getting more kids was adoption, another woman or a surrogate.

As of Wednesday I've lost 22 pounds and I'm only 18 pounds from my goal...

My nanny is fine. She did not know. She did think they'd had a relationshp in college. She said it was my WH's behavior that threw her off (just like for me) because he just didn't seem that interested. Also, I own her cell phone and checked all the records -- she has not been in contact with OW or her BH at all. She didn't warn OW when I planned a way to catch them in the act and even helped with the plans. She abhors cheating because her father cheated on her mother and she really doesn't understand why I haven't left WH.

Most of the time, neither do I.

In all fairness to both of us, I need to figure that out. At first, I just couldn't handle going through the last 4 months of a pregnancy, newborn, moving out, etc. I promised myself I'd wait until June to start making any decisions. And now -- it's June. Wow. That came fast.

Anyone have any good recommendations for books or exercises to help with such a decision? Shouldn't I feel at least a LITTLE bit better by now?!



BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun: I hope you will be having "allfun" this weekend. I'm sorry about your "antiversary". It is so painful. Hang in there as much as you can.

Miracle: I believe you and I were writing our posts at the same time last night.
I felt so upset for you when I read your response to M3's list of "worst things" and I remembered some of your prior posts of what pfm did. I'm so sorry.
We think we are going forward, but there is still so much pain to go through and process.

I do believe I need the "guiltbusters", and while I'm at it, how about some "WS busters" too? (I mean it in the sense of getting rid of WH) and the most important: "trigger busters" (sorry Roy Rogers, not that Trigger!)

Oh, and Miracle, I'm glad to hear that DS is feeling better.

{{{{Tribe}}}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 7:57 AM, June 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: Another case of "cross posting".

No, you "shouldn't feel better by now" !!! There is no time limit on when we are supposed to feel better.

You must be kind and patient with yourself. You were pregnant when you found out and are dealing with a double betrayal plus a newborn!!!
I feel you made a wise decision to wait it out a bit before you come to any definitive decisions. I realize that you, like so many of us just want all this pain to disappear. Unfortunately, just kicking WH out brings in a whole new set of things to adjust to and problems and pain of its own.
Do NOT feel guilty or feel like you have to do something NOW. Give yourself some time. I wish there was a quick recovery/cure for all this pain!!
{{{{M3}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest to fun:

Do NOT feel guilty

miracle to honest:

Do NOT feel guilty

miracle to anyone who has this affliction:

Do NOT feel guilty


honest stated:

No, you "shouldn't feel better by now" !!! There is no time limit on when we are supposed to feel better.

all of us, each in our own time will feel better when we are ready, when we have done the work, when we are ready to live for the present and not one moment sooner....

and it really sucks to think that we have to work at this....ironic it is, we did nothing wrong, our actions have always been above board, we all have been honest, truthful stand-up people....and we have to work at healing ourselves...but if want to heal we must work for it...yes you would think that they fucked up they should fix us, but they cannot, most of our ws's are incapable of giving us ALL of what we need to heal...some of our ws's are incapable of giving us ANYTHING we need to heal...so translates that we all must work towards this goal...some of us will have more work to do, some of us have irl support, some of us do not, some of us have ic, some of us do not..

the major thing here is we all must work towards our own recovery, and how we choose to do that is just that our choice...and no matter how much outside help we have or don't have this is still a process that will take its own time....and until we do all the work, and until we are READY we will continue to be in this state of recovery working towards recovered..this process can be moved along a bit by honoring the process and working to help the process...fighting the process and giving into our old feelings on issues, by not being able to comprehend the incomprehendable, by giving into the ever present triggers, by so many different things, too many to list...and sometimes we need to take this whole thing by the minute or the second because the pain is that great...we have all been betrayed on a HUGE scale....our betrayals are truly monumental in proportion.....

we will heal when WE, each of us is READY and not a moment sooner...we all desire this to be over, we all would love to snap our fingers and just "be there" but getting there is not easy, getting there is not just hard, its painful, every single fucking step is painful....BUT THE REWARD....the reward of being

RECOVERED...to know that each day will not be filled with so much dread, triggers or hurt.....

we all get there when each of us is ready and not a moment sooner...as long as you can say to YOURSELF that you are doing everything you truly can, then you know in your heart that you will get there when you are ready...none of us has anyone that we need to answer too, except ourselves...those of us with children...we need to be the best parents we can be by taking care of ourselves and our healing...showing our children what it is to take charge of our recovery...teaching them that when life hands you such a blow, you learn how to protect yourself and then heal your wounds...you teach your children that life does go on, and you choose to go on, right along with it...life is for the living....we mourn our losses, we heal and we MOVE ON....and we will do it when we are ready and not a moment sooner...afterall and most especially it is what we crave...to move and be over this...to say we recovered..


o.k. longwinded award goes to me...


m3:

As of Wednesday I've lost 22 pounds and I'm only 18 pounds from my goal...

yay...

Anyone have any good recommendations for books or exercises to help with such a decision?

no book referrals, and the only exercise i know of is the one of choosing the path of least regret.....list your choices and each and every consequence that goes with each...which one stands out as the one you could live with 10 years from now, which one will give you the least regret, or hopefully no regret...and i did find this in a book, cannot remember which book...it fine-tuned what i have always done...and do not rush any choice or decision, especially life altering ones...there is no time limit on making your choices as far as i know...and for you, you have so many other factors that need to be considered...you just had a baby and that means your hormones are still in full swing...and our hormones can sometimes alter our feeling and perceptions.....as is making any choices and decisions when your emotions are still raw from any circumstance....and for you, that is somewhat magnified since you were pregnant at the time, and yes those lovely hormones were in full swing from the getgo...and still really are....


the second year they found it very hard......

i am 6 months into my second year...on one hand it feels like its been a lifetime, i feel like i have been in pain forever...and then on the other hand the weaker one...i feel as though i still cannot believe that this has happened and its all still sinking in...but honestly i feel stronger today then i did a year ago, i feel like i am back in my own body, i was so lost last year, i was a walking zombie...for me i am working at getting my life back, i have made some choices and decisions working towards my recovery...so i think this year is better then last....and the pain is not as RAW...there is nothing that i have ever experienced like that raw pain that never seemed to dissipate..

anyways, thats my take on ME..

ok. i think i have rambled way way enough...need to do something about this dipstickitis.. ....

sorry guys for my way longwindedness..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, the baby. She is a gift from God. The one reason I'm 100% sure that the marriage had to happen and had to last this long despite what the future may hold. When I look into her eyes and she smiles at me I feel my face will break from the smile I am compelled to give her in return. She truly is a kindred spirit, I see and feel it so much, and when I am with her I think "Where have you been? Why did it take you so long to get here?" And I wonder to myself how can I love and care for this beautiful perfect creature when I love her so much without that love becoming some sort of a burden or obligation to her? Almost as if I'll have to find a way to hide some of it so that she'll always feel free to live her life the way she chooses -- I want to give her wings and be her safe harbor, not tie her to me. I have never, ever loved someone so much. And I truly love my sons, I do, but it's just incomparable. Not just because she's a girl, but because she's her. I look at her and think THIS is the love of my life. Finally, she is HERE! I always thought the love of my life would be a husband, a man, a partner, an equal. Instead, it's one tiny angelic child. I will have to be so careful with all of my children or this will be a bad thing rather than a good one.

Yesterday DS1 said something that upset me and made me smile too. We were watching iCarly (a tween TV show here in the US) and one of the characters was lamenting he couldn't find a girlfriend and said: "They'll call me Lonely Spencer Who Has No Lady to Hold" and DS1 said "At least that's better than 'Poor M3'." Then the clapped both hands over his mouth, surprised he'd said it aloud and said to me, "please, please don't tell Dad I said that!" Ah, you can try to keep things from the kids, but somehow they know. He's the same kid who asked me if I'd be mad if his Dad had a girlfriend last summer before dday -- he's very perceptive.

Anyway, it's what made me realize that it's time for some big change at my house no matter what way it goes. DS1 is watching us every day and how WH treats me is how he will treat women too.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: yes i agree that you will have to be very careful with this feeling from your other children...

do you think that perhaps your deep feelings for this child are for the light she now gives you, for the fact that she gives you new reason.....and she is you...you brand spanking new.....almost like a second chance for you....


the perceptive son may have the "gift", because unless he had overheard stuff or was privvy to stuff, that sense of knowing is scary wonderful....


and finally i love that you adore your kids, all of them...when a mom really adores her kids, not just loves them and takes care of them but adores them...watches tv with them, participates with them...is truly involved....i just love it...it makes me happy for the kids...because what you are giving them is so special....and there are not a lot of moms who can.... ...and to be able to still do it when you are in so much pain....m3 you amaze me...you seem to do it all...and as much pain as i know you are in...your strength comes through so loud and clear to me....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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