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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I left my H a "note" (2 pages typed) this morning essentially giving him the opportunity to correct everything I know to date without penalty. There are a few things I've learned that trouble me and I hope he uses this opportunity to come clean.

What a great idea. It is so much easier sometimes to send notes back and forth because it's not so emotionally charged as a discussion . I really hope he reads this and gives you the answers you need. My H is not so great at writing (maybe he fears it's then documented ) but when he has, it has been so helpful to us both. Keep us posted.
Ok, I had to take notes!


I know the feeling!! I think we all do. We don't want to forget anyone but we're such a chatty group, it's tough to respond to every post.
I just wanted to add that I think you are amazing. You have had so much to deal with and yet you are always reaching out to help the others here. I hope one day soon your H recognizes what a special person you are and realizes what he has to lose. (((Honest)))
BTW - this goes for Miracle too. Both of you are really struggling and yet you never fail to come through. Hugs to you both.
NoFun - Wow, that's great that your H wants to come here. Does that give you some hope for your future with him?? I think he will really benefit from the work other WS's are doing and if he reads in the healing library about the struggles of the BS's, he might come to understand what you are going through and what he needs to do to help you through this period.
Way to go, Mr. NoFun!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a plan...get the house together, sell it and move on.
In the meantime, I am 180'ing and treating him like a roommate. I will try to keep the peace for my children....

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I wish I had wise advice to offer but it's so difficult when you have a WS that is still in a fog, as it seems your H is, and when you have practical issues to deal with like making sure your financial situation isn't jeopardized. You sound strong and you are making good choices but I am wondering how your heart is. Sometimes we need to shut that piece of ourselves down in order to cope with the reality of our situation but I wanted you to know that we have all been there and there are days when we can't ignore the sorrow in our hearts. I just wanted you to know that I understand and am here if you need a hug or a sympathetic ear.
((((((((((LFL))))))))))))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:49 AM, May 26th (Wednesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun... My W has never told me if she comes here. She has seen me type here many times....

for me, it is a place I feel I can be open... write... feel good knowing I am not alone...

most the things I say are to reinforce my goals with my R… to learn... to vent... share... Desensitization..

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:50 AM, May 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, it has been a busy few days here.

m334455,
I was sorry to read about the parking charge you found. I understand your anger at having to play detective over your H’s behavior. You did not waste time in R if you were doing your part. I join everyone in thinking of you and offering support as you work through this.

UKgirl,
As the others have already said, you do not need to replace what the OP provided to your H, he does. It is neither our responsibility nor within our power to make another person feel good about themselves. You are right to want more from him than time to make things better. It is not just time, but what we do with the time.

Honesttoafault,

I'm a lot stronger than you think. When you are not here, I take care of everything, house, yard, bills, doctors, kids, etc, etc. and when you come here I TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!

(((honesttoafault))), you are so correct, and right to feel this way.

Old dipstick,
It has been a couple days since a cooking report, is the grill broken?

Allgoodnamesgone,
I really understand what you want and are writing about the A story from your H. I was there not long ago, and I hoped there would be some fact or piece that would make it all make sense, make it OK. There is not.

Trynhard gave me the likely facts and “story of the A” as he recently gave you. It hurt to read and consider he was right, but it has helped me, at least for now, to drop my on-going need for details about her A. I hope you are able to find a place of balance in all of this between need to know and need to let go.

Iwantamiracle,
We like when the kids and friends are all at our place too, glad you had a good evening.

Our trip is going better than I could have hoped. It is not awkward at all, and we are having great fun. The third person has left the bed, at least for now. We are behaving much more like we did 20 years ago, and it all feels right. So long as I do not dwell on the previous 4 years, the OM, and her relationships with them life is fine.

FWW bought a copy of Cosmo and as I drove, she read aloud 75 sex tips from men and asked what sounded good to me. This was from advice I received a while ago to find new ideas and break old patterns in bed ro exorcise the ghost of the OM.

One of the tips was to stroke his hair while kissing. I said I have liked that the (very) few times she has done it, despite my disappearing hair. Later that day she stroked my hair as we drove and I made some comment about enjoying it. She burst into tears, removed her seatbelt, and hugged me. I had to pull over and wait for her to make sense. She said she was suddenly struck by how much she loves me, how much fun I am, and how she should have been doing things all of our marriage to take care of our relationship and me rather than to resent me and withdrawal every time I made her angry.

Well, take care all. We will be home Saturday and back to real life with no maid, food servers, and freedom to be just a couple.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok...this is a second attempt at posting...and ironically when i highlighted the following, i will give you only one guess as to what happened:

Lost my post. Fuckity fuck. Doncha just hate that?

and in answer: FUCKITY FUCK YES

and i was highlighting it to say what i just said

now i have lots more reading to do and lots of catching up to do and i am hoping it doesn't happen again...


lfl:

I have a plan...get the house together, sell it and move on.

i am glad that you have a plan...and you also need another plan for after the house is sold, on how you plan to move on..this will help you more then you know to have a goal to look forward to at the end of this suck ass journey..

dip:

I am not getting MY needs fulfilled.

and this makes me sad for you dip...i can relate to this on so many levels...in all my reading i have learned that we are not supposed to need anyone to meet our needs...and on most levels i agree, however on the level of a relationship...we have needs within the relationship...and i know first hand how it feels to be on a back burner, and it sucks...and now since all of this, it takes all of that to quite a new hurtful level...and at this point it feels as though its adding salt to a gaping wound...


ukgirl:

Actually, I think his fear was losing this life he had. Not me alone, but knowing that by losing me he would lose all of it.

i think this way about pfm too...its not so much me and the kids, but the house and the money..and most important is that i think he realizes that he is really alone in this world..his foo he now realizes are not there for him in any way shape or form...he really doesn't have the kids, because he spent so much time being away and then being a fuck when he was here, the relationship with them is strained....

like fnf says its the whole package...

I need him to understand that if the past is to be left behind, we have to start over again. That the marriage IS finished

this would be for both of you....you too would have to leave so much behind and let it go, are you prepared to do that...because honestly i think this is a great idea...it means you both move forward in the here and now with the people you are now in the present...which i why i asked you about who he has been since d-day...i should have been more clear...i should have said since youre past all the discovery crap...because discovery with a tt is killer...and this i know all too well too...anyways, if you could let it all go and move forward in this new relationship i think you could probably be happy...and you will also need to come to a place within yourself to deal with all the triggers that will still come, especially when he travels or you get that nagging feeling to check her facebook....you ukgirl have lots more to come to terms with then he ever could...so ou may want to come up with some ground rules for both of you regarding all that crap...and eventually hopefully with lots of work and tlc all that crap will be flushed away...

ejs5: regarding antiversaries and dates in general...i think not remembering specific dates is truly a gift...because the date isn't what really matters, its the event that matter...marking time doesn't make it go any faster, it doesn't promote healing, it only gives you yet another thing to contend with....i actually stopped marking time since d-day...i still have the date imprinted on my brain, but i no longer mark the amount of time that passes...nor do i want to....i would rather take all those days back, because frankly for us especially we could probably all come up with some kind of event for every single fucking day of the year that our ws's were unfaithful to us in their hearts...the most precious place....d-day i referred to as discovery day....because the discovery for me is even now incomplete...so i don't believe in multiple d-days...i am also trying to look upon all these days that have meaning that is hurtful as yet more time that has gone into my healing...you know how all over this site, everyone says you need time, time helps you heal...mark it as an event from then...and look at how far (hopefully how far) you have come....

lh2:

Or maybe I am complicating it by wanting to see more than what is I front of me?

yup...you are still setting an expectation level that he is unable to fulfill, so i ask again, do you love this inconsistent man for who is now?...can you love him, knowing that this is all there is to him and to the 2 of you?

My 3 children gave me varied responses, FNF, about they want to spend the day, from relaesing a heluim balloon to heaven to giving money to a chns charity in his name. As H has caught the gardening bug, I asked to plant a tree in our gdn. Our gdn is too small for a magnolia tree so I settled for a magnolia shrub. This is the first house we have ever owned and I wanted my baby to have his place in it, KWIM?


i think you should honor each and every member of the family with the way they choose to honor this precious lost child....it will give all of them a sense of belonging, a sense of importance and we each grieve in our own ways...and this will honor that and support that...so i think all the ideas are awesome...


allgood:

The first is to tell me his "story" of the A so I can really understand it.

i don't think we ever really understand all of it...not to the point of compassion, but maybe to the point of how it happened....its the how that is paramount...because we need to know that they "get it", that they see every single place they went wrong and fix it so that it never happens again..they need to see how every single action they took hurt us and ultimately the marriage and them....good luck with this one allgood...this is not an easy task...most people in general cannot recognize the hurts they inflict on others...it is one of the hardest things to face in oneself...taking full ownership in hurting another, knowing that the choices they made hurt another as deeply as we hurt...

as for what he got out of it....i see tryns point, and i see the need for mr allgood to figure that one out...because that helps him get to the bottom of why he made the choices he did in the first place...and one of the most important messages we need is that they "get it" so that it isn't repeated...

I look at my H & thinkg M3 said her H was doing everything right & now look...

of course this gets to you...and i know how much you want mr m3 to come through....because then it gives you a glimmer of hope for you....and yet you have the need to be a cynical as possible so that you are prepared for the same...

I feel the same way & I think it's because some people, like us, never, ever consider cheating. Our spouses are very lucky.

we never considered cheating before...but this becomes a pivotal event that changes who we are..it makes us vulnerable, it creates within us...and what it creates is as individual as we are..as much as our core will remain the same, it is still shaken...and if we feel that our relationships as they stand are over, in the eyes of the law, it would be cheating, in the eyes of god it would be cheating...but it the contract has been broken which it has for all of us, how do we now view this new reality...is a broken contract considered null and void...is it cheating or is it moving on....for those that elect to work on reconcilliation...is it cheating or is it as my mother would say leveling the field...although i tend to believe that when reconciling it will only compound the process...enough ramblin on that one..

and good luck allgood with the note...

fun: your children sound so wise beyond their years...and how cool that your husband actually opened up, and now he is coming here...very cool indeed....so your journey continues and with some new added direction...i am praying for you both, and you will keep us posted while you lurk so well i hope..


tryn:

Because us guys want pussy so bad,

you know there are those of us girls who want dick so bad too!!!


ats:

Our trip is going better than I could have hoped.

we are having great fun. The third person has left the bed, at least for now. We are behaving much more like we did 20 years ago, and it all feels right.

.
Later that day she stroked my hair as we drove and I made some comment about enjoying it. She burst into tears, removed her seatbelt, and hugged me. I had to pull over and wait for her to make sense. She said she was suddenly struck by how much she loves me, how much fun I am, and how she should have been doing things all of our marriage to take care of our relationship and me rather than to resent me and withdrawal every time I made her angry.

OH MY GOSH....YAY, YAY AND MORE YAY

fnf:

we're such a chatty group,

ya think!!!

ok need to submit now before it goes to pot heaven, and then i will have to curse again, only this time the curses will be louder, more extreme and i will even add a few more..so closing my eyes now and praying...

oh and (((tribe)))

eta: yay, it worked...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:12 AM, May 26th (Wednesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your responses - I have to keep this quick due to my circumstances at the moment -but I'm not looking for nitty gritty details - as far as the story goes - it's just for him to reflect & think about what he needed.
Like I said - I didn't think I was going to ask him this & Tryn's post has now got me at 100% not asking for it now.
As to the letter - I have some suspicions that there may have been some NC. I don't have enough to confront & to so would only jeopardize my source.
I also see a big difference in him over the last month & I guess some of the pieces are starting to fall in place.
I would just rather have him tell me about anything now rather than my discovering it later - cuz I will have a really tough time believing anything he said while we were reconciling if that's the case.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant...
i see tryns point, and i see the need for mr allgood to figure that one out...because that helps him get to the bottom of why he made the choices he did in the first place...
If after an A your spouse cannot see the pain, the hurt and they don't make that change and want to figure this out on their own, I think R is not going to be successful. It is a choice and decision the spouse must make. All we can do is share things we know about relationships... ask our spouses to go to Retrouvaille... marriage Encounter... tell them what makes us (feelings only) sad and unhappy. It is up to a real partner not be selfish... They must want to make you happy... as you should for you spouse…

I think during marriages, some people lose sight…lose there way… attention is lost… you get caught up in the daily grind and minutia… You start living a singles but married type life… I am going to play golf every Sunday, bowling Monday, Wednesday and out with Guys on Friday… Girl’s night out Thursday, you watch the kids on Thursday… when you do go out, it’s with other couples… Kids events… work events… It just all takes you away from each other over time… it just happen to almost every M….

Yes, you can move on and D after an A, but I see the same thing happening with your next partner...or heck even yourself... a few years out, they lose the newness and stop giving love... gifts, affirmation, physical touch... It just happens with people. It takes awareness, effort, long term work to make for a good M and get to the awakening... It will take that with your next relationship too!

PS.. I would say based on all the guys I know.. it’s pretty standard to say… Guys want it more the Girls.. lol… Girl,Go abuse and use your husband.. make him wear a mask… lol

I’m sure Dip will agree… lol.. if not I am wrong.


AT... Glad to see some progress. It seems you W does want to change...

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:57 AM, May 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone... Nothing wrong with telling him you are going to start giving it your all... Then just ask him to please just tell you if he needs someone else.. You will be OK without him if that decision he makes... Ask him to please just be honest, because God will let me know again... maybe that is said in a letter to him... tell him you are and can forgive him but you don't and will not share him because that is unhealty... ask him to please, out of respect for you and his children, from now out... just tell you if he needs another woman...

I did that to my W.

You will know if it happens again.. It is now in God's hands and he will look out after you... I use M3 as an example.. I pray for some reason it was nothing...

One day, I hope you have the strenght to ask him to Marriage encounters or retrou... It really is good. Not a single man that left after that weekend didn't have respect for the program.

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:08 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think during marriages, some people lose sight…lose there way… attention is lost…

Marriage is not just about you and your partner. It is also about bringing up kids, sorting out parents, siblings, friends, being a sounding board and having some one to sound off to, it is having someone who is your other half, the one who brings sense and reality, who can be there with you through the tough times as well as the good. In a good marriage, no one loses their way, they just take some things for granted. Complacency gets a hold. And then the WS looks for that edgy something, that thrill. And then the marriage goes belly up.

Anyways, nothing was said. I couldn’t bring myself to start on the subject. I have had too much wine anyway. Not good, but good night. (((Tribe)))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgive. Thank you. I'm doing o.k. Yes coming here helps. It is a good safe place to hang out.

tryn. I do agree with what you say about how this stuff happens. You asked Allgood why she wants to know. I can't speak for her, but I think one reason is that the BS thinks the WS owes an explaination. This, "yes I did it, now lets move on", just doesn't seem to cut it sometimes.

The second time you asked me if I agree was a two parter. Yes I agree, based on the guys I know, guys want it more that the girls. The part about telling them to go use and abuse their H and make them wear a mask, I can only agree with partly. I think the mask should be optional.

ats. The grill is fine. If it breaks or is stolen I will replace it ASAP!. I have a back up gas grill I hardly ever use. Pork tenderloin tonight, chicken boobs last night, ribeye the night before, and I can't remember last weekends cooks. That is good news about your trip being better than you expected. It is good to see some positive things happen to people on here.

miracle. You made me laugh. There are men everywhere who would say, if there are girls wanting that, I sure as hell can't find them. Where are they? Tryn is right about that.

Please don't be sad about my current situation. As I said earlier, I'm o.k. I know things will get better. I would like to say more to everyone but I need to go cook. I seem to do that in good times, or bad.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man- I've got some serious catching up to do...
Ats: you're vacation sounds like it's going great! I'm so happy for you!

Dip & Tryn: I really only wanted to know "the story" of the affair because it was suggested in the "Not Just Friends" book. I assume that I do know (in broad strokes) how it happened, it's the how it continued that will elude me I'm sure.

I told H about the note before he got home. I was still at work & we only spent about 30 minutes "together" (together in the sense that we were both located in the same house - but not really doing anything together) before he left for the night. So, absolutely no conversation was had about it- but I had stated in the letter that I did not want an immediate response - I really wanted him to think about it seriously and get back to me by the weekend. So, we will see. (He will hardly be home til the weekend anyway).
He's planned something for the whole family to do on Saturday tho - so that helps me to have something to look forward to.
We are going away in a few weeks for our 15 year anniversary. I'm trying to put together something about what marriage means to me - gonna plagiarize most of it I'm sure. Actually, UKGirl's post gave me the idea.
That's all I got - man I wish M3 would check in...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip:

miracle. You made me laugh. There are men everywhere who would say, if there are girls wanting that, I sure as hell can't find them.

i made you LAUGH...LAUGH...see no one takes me seriously... ....but alas someday.... ...yup someday... ....


Please don't be sad about my current situation. As I said earlier, I'm o.k.

can't help it, it does make me sad...and i would like you to be better then o.k....don't get me wrong, o.k. is nice especially since so many of us have taken forever to be so, and so many of us are not there yet, so o.k...is o.k....but i would hope for more then that for you, for me and for all of us...

and i am with allgood: m3 where are you?...you know we tend to worry don't ya?...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lostsuol
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Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just stopping in to let you all know I'm here reading.

UKgirl... I was thinking of you at your dinner hour and wondering how you were making out. My H is away until Friday midday. I doubt we'll talk about 'us' for a while yet though.

My s-i-l's obit will be in our local paper on Saturday, her celebration of life will be the following Saturday. Plenty to do in the coming week as well as having FWH's cousin from Kent in the UK stay here for the week. Wish UKg was coming to help me with the entertaining... I'm so envious when reading her menus! Years of shift work (me) and making quick meals that the kids would eat when we got home from daycare haven't made me into a great cook. FWH's 12 hour days & 7 days a week don't translate into dinner hour meals either.

There's been so much wise advise here for the tribe's various situations.I didn't make notes but don't know what to add other than prayers and hugs for all.

It's late here and I don't want to be the third to lose their post so I'll read you in the a.m. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
m334455
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Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if you have spoken to the OW's BH in the past. If you have, then I think it might not be a bad idea at all to contact him and go over the 2 dates you know of with him.

FNF -- I guess I never quite told the story. But, yes, I know OW's BH extremely well. I didn't tell him of the A though.

And, no, tryn, I'm not OK.

I know what I'm going to do. I'll let you know how it goes.

As for the short version of the story: WH invited OW to the party we threw for his law school graduation about two months before we got married. We had a 4 month old and she had a one month old. She was a friend of his from college (or so the story goes) Our families started spending time together because our kids were the same age and we became very close. We took multiple vacations together, I brought her nanny's sister here from out of country to be my nanny, our kids played sports together and were best friends.

To make a very long story short, WH has been having an A with her for 20 years. After Dday I learned that she dated and married her BH without telling WH while she was seeing him (WH) and he met her BH at a party! Anyway, the A stopped at that point and didn't start again until about a year after WH and I married.

So, bascially I'm second choice and my whole marriage is a lie anyhow.

And just to get it all straight -- I said he had ONE chance. I am amazed I did even that.

No offense to Miracle, but she is in limbo. I think she knows that. I think her reasons for choosing that are sound. I'm not sure I could do that.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, I know OW's BH extremely well. I didn't tell him of the A though.

M3 - Do you mind my asking why you haven't told her BH?
20 years is a long time and it wouldn't surprise me at all that her BH knows too and thinks he is protecting you by not telling. My gut feeling is to have a sit-down with him. But then that's just IMHO.
(((M3)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3.. Thanks for checking in... I wish you strength... know that you stood tall in adversity and gave someone you promised your life a fair chance. My Prayers are with you... Make your decisions to achieve your own happiness… You will do it.

I'm with FF... I think OW H needs to know too. It is so unfair to him. I think about the people that were too afraid to tell me... My wife's OM spouse had suspected after the first year.. Me nothing. I think she knew and didn't tell me. That hurt me beyond what anyone knows..

I'm sure you will do the right things and we are here if you need us.. I will check in later...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:54 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone... I hope you get what you need... and hope your H will open his soul. You know I'm with you whatever you decide to do.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:53 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: no offense taken, and i can understand your take on it...after all my life is seemingly on hold....but the difference is as much as my life is on hold, i have a plan, i have a goal, and i will move on eventually....for me to feel a sense of peace i NEED to put my childrens needs ahead of my own on this one....so in my head i don't consider this limbo, limbo was when i didn't know what i wanted, when i didn't know whether i could get past all of it, now i know i cannot, now i know what i want, now i have my plan.....

m3 does the ow's bh know?...

and like you i gave him my ultimatum...and once he didn't do what i required i made my decision, or i should say he made the decision for me....and his continued actions as of late bring me confirmation that i chose wisely....to seek divorce as soon as i feel my kids are ready for it...

i still have a great deal of anger towards the man, dealing with it is not easy in this circumstance...and he makes it so much harder with his actions...so this is not a sich i would wish on anyone...but i know that i am still doing what i have to do .....at least this way only i am miserable and my kids are not...and this is giving pfm the opportunity to make right what he did so wrong as a father...and if my kids can come to terms and work it out with him now it will be less for them to deal with in their futures....at the ages they are now, my kids would be lost to him...him i don't give a rats ass for, but my kids...well thats another story...and we all know what it can do to someone when they have foo issues added to life issues...that is kind of how most of our ws's became ws's in the first place...kwim


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having a superdy-dooper crappy day (watched "Barney" this morning - can't you tell).

I was happy to see everyone's posts though. So strange that when I am feeling like there is no part of my life that makes me happy & I'm fighting the temptation to quit my job & run away from everything, that I find comfort here.

I'm glad this place is here & I am truly grateful for everyone on this site who gives of him/herself so readily - it means even more coming from people who already have enough on their plates as well.

M3 - my thoughts are with you. I'm sorry that you are facing such difficulties. Please check in often & let us know how you are doing so we can help support you.
Given our occupataions & the number of young children we have - I really relate to you. I know you don't get a break - stress at home & stress at work (which is only worsened by the stress at home).
Your kids are going to be ok. You are going to be ok. You remember that I am a divorce attorney & I see a fair amount of this. The kids will be ok. The only time I've seen the kids negatively affected is when either Dad leaves & doesn't maintain a relationship with them, or Mom & Dad can't stop bad-mouthing each other & putting the kids in the middle. As long as you & your H can co-parent, your kids will be totally fine!
And, for as many people as I have seen crying in my office, swearing up & down they will never get married again, want nothing to do with dating, etc. - I have seen most of them move on to very happy relationships.
Change is scary, but it can also be a change for the better.

Forgot to add: if bh doesn't know you should tell him.

Miracle: God Bless. Honestly. I couldn't do it. Your kids are very lucky to have you. I think of you often - as I'm letting the stress & strain of everything affect my parenting - I'm in awe.

Tryn: thanks again for your comforting words. And, I forgot to tell you congrats on the 1/2!

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 10:03 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, yes, I know OW's BH extremely well. I didn't tell him of the A though.
Why not? I still think you could arm yourself with the ammunition by talking to him. Give him the times and dates you have for the most recent “queries” and see if his WW was also AWOL or doing some spurious alone activity, like “shopping”. The longer it goes on, the less likely he will be able to remember or be able to track back. What is your reason for not telling him about the A? And (very much an outside chance here) what if your H has a legitimate reason for his car parking fees? I don’t see how it is helping you by stewing on this and not having anything other than a credit card statement to go on. You seem to be making decisions without the help from a possible ally.
So, bascially I'm second choice and my whole marriage is a lie anyhow.
That may or may not be. But unless or until you have this out (after doing as much checking up as poss to add to your ammo which you have kept dry) you won’t know for sure. I am concerned that you have so much stress and you are also time poor as well as emotionally empty that you can only see one way out and you are sleep walking that course.

If you don’t love him, well, that’s a different matter. I assume you must have had some love otherwise why give him even the one chance. Step back. Think about contacting the BH to talk about the whole situation. Talk to your counsellor (tell your H to babysit – if you divorce, he’s going to have to get used to it. Oh, there’s a thought. Do the bit of the 180 where your H has a taste of post divorce days.

I have no time to do any more posting. Piano lesson for DS4 and then (big intake of breath and then sigh) the IL’s will be here for the long Spring Bank Hol w/end.

And I failed. Didn’t talk about anything last night.

If I don’t check in, have a peaceful weekend everyone. (((((Tribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

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