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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
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Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here we go.... another page. Did we ever agree about the setting?
Well - welcome to Part 18 everyone!

Ats: I know what you mean - it's hard to understand the thought process of the ws while they were in the A. It really is. And, you're right to question. I don't assume anything my wh says is the truth other than the most mundane topics. I really hate that. That's something I hope will change over time, because it's a tough way to spend a life.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
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Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, you choose allgood! All I can see is a big empty space! But I would like it to have a bar..... Or a bar by a pool.... with waiters to bring refills to my lounger and to buff my sunnies

I don't assume anything my wh says is the truth other than the most mundane topics.
Unfortunately, when FWH is away (or even when he's not) I just think that if he lies, he lies to himself cos I don't believe him anyway. I know now what he is capable of. He lied for so long I don't think he knows what truth is. He has certainly rewritten history. But then so have I - only with the benefit of hindsight. Sheesh, I'm rambling.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got this saved on a word doc while waiting for our new place. So, going back to LTA XVII…….

nofun, I’m glad he wanted to share his IC session with you. That’s progress in the right direction. And if he can understand and stick to boundaries, that’s good too. But do you think he gave off “signs” that he was up for something outside the marriage? If he’s aware that he was making himself available for some other woman’s attention, then that behaviour should be modified so he reads “not available” instead. Esp as it is something that bothers you now.

Tryn’

Of course he still thinks about her. She was part of his life for a long time. It would be ridiculous to think or expect any of our spouse “not think about” the other person. Missing them… of course there was thing they loved about those other people… and likely miss.
It’s the attention he misses. The daily texting, the sending texts at 2, 3 or 4am, the open adoration and I‘m sure he even enjoyed her hysteria when she realised it was over – dragging it out for weeks and weeks while she sent pathetic voicemails and texts. And he has never had a bad word to say against her. He said he enjoyed her “interesting” company. So yes, he will still think of her from time to time, it could be hourly, daily or weekly, I wouldn’t know. I don’t think he has quite let her go in that respect, which is the thing that keeps my guard up. He has never made me feel that she is truly “gone”.

my W and OM, after work would just sit around and talk about work related things. All those details are not that important to me… but she needs someone to listen.
Grrrr!!!! I DID do it! I still do!!! He would come home and I’d be his sounding board or his verbal punchbag as he told me about the minutiae of his work. MOW only got the good bits, I reckon. His “successful” side while I got the shit. And of course one of the reasons she was “interesting” was because she has a successful and interesting career – WH had given me all the indications that he LIKED me being a SAHW&M. Grrrr!

My H is very "high maintenance" always needing affirmation, ego boosting, endless praise and attention. It's so tiring. The OW showered him with it all and I felt safe because, quite honestly, she is ugly and seriously overweight.
Ditto, except that I felt safe because I gave it to him – until around the time he started the affair and then he got so much from her, he didn’t need me in the same way and so his affirmations towards me began to drop off and he got more critical instead (while still throwing in the occasional praise and loving act to keep me going). But that was all part and parcel of the process of self delusion. Ugh.

I have found it very hard to find something in me to change. I cannot see how I could have done things differently to have perhaps prevented the affair. The only thing I can look to is getting pregnant with DS4. But it was DH who wanted a fourth child (which was his excuse to MOW for not leaving, DS4 was my “gift”) and I just went along with it. Four kids, two dogs, big house and a H who didn’t want to be involved in mundane domestics. If I had gone out to work, I would be one of those women constantly chasing her tail and then THAT would have been the excuse for the affair. I couldn’t win!!! And he kept on saying in MC that he didn’t want me to change at all, that there was nothing for me to do to make the marriage better, it was ALL down to him. Which, actually, isn’t very helpful.

Booger; tread lightly my friend, your heart is so so fragile right now.....
Enjoy it for what it is. And I hope he helps your healing process and increases your sense of self worth.

We never had serious conversations about out feelings. Neither one of us is comfortable with it.
allgood, this is when MC can be so useful. A time and place where you have permission to say all your thoughts out loud. And someone to act as your guide. It really is like taking yourself off to another place and detoxing emotionally. It’s important to understand each other’s perspective and feelings and to see things from their POV.

Ats,

the seemingly unconditional affirmation. She does not miss the OM, but I am sure she misses these feelings from time to time.
Pretty much what I said before. It’s the buzz, the addiction, the validation, the knowing that someone is hanging on and waiting for you. And all connected to the horrible sense of low self esteem, ironically compounded by the very thing that should lift them – the affair.

I think FNF has it about right, it seems for most LTAers, the end was just waiting to happen. WH said he didn’t really feel anything towards MOW. It had burned itself out. But I think her constant demands made him feel that way; the fact he had to keep her at bay was taking it’s toll on any love he still had for her. But now she’s gone….. I wonder if he could be drawn back again.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i got reminiscent this am....another part to this tribe....i went back and searched i joined the lta tribe on valentines day of 2009, part 14...and i read my first post and wow...so much i still had not known...i actually still believed or wanted to believe the #1 was only pa from 99....what a kick that one was....

so anyways another new place to decorate.....this bar ukgirl..does it do all drinks..i am still into mudslides these days....

and by the pool is cool...and i want cabana boys who will do A N Y T H I N G...i gots some sowing to do.. ...

"assume the truth"....never again will i ever assume that what i am being told is the truth...and sadly by more then just pfm....i feel so jaded now... ...

(((((tribe)))))


honest: btw how are plans going for obtaining those credits for your masters...i didn't forget you know...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
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Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - what is your recipe for a mudslide? There are so many I don't know where to start other than vodka, Baileys and Khalua. Some add cream, some Pepsi, some chocolate laced on the inside of the glass......

So, first up: Bar with an excellent cocktail waiter!
eta - guess a beer cellar for the menz......

[This message edited by UKgirl at 8:25 AM, May 17th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MIracle:
and i want cabana boys who will do A N Y T H I N G...i gots some sowing to do.. ...

All I ask is that the pool be heated & that we have some Pinot Grigio on ice or a bottle of vodka.
O - and a bathroom nearby.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a bar by a pool.... with waiters to bring refills to my lounger and to buff my sunnies

This sounds like a job for Dip!!! All his talk about butts, legs and breasts, yep, he's the man for the job.
I cannot see how I could have done things differently to have perhaps prevented the affair.

I absolutely agree that there was nothing we could do to prevent their A's because of the degree of neediness that each of our LTA S's experienced. I do believe though that now that we are aware of issues that existed we can be more focused, like Tryn' said, he had to be more willing to listen to his wife, things like that. My H needs so much praise, even today, and it is exhausting, but I do try to be more sensitive to it and when he does something around the house I'll let him know how much I appreciate his contribution. I will say it is annoying sometimes, especially since he doesn't feel the need to return the favor but I'm not needy like him so not really a problem.
Atsen - I agree with UKG about the "buzz, the addiction" that is hard to give up. Who wouldn't love to have someone showering them daily with praise and hanging on their every word? Is it realistic?? Hell no. But these LTA S's craved the adoration and I don't think it was about the affair partner personally but about how willing they were to indulge this neediness in order to keep them coming back.
My H told me that he was very upset because the OW had critized him shortly before d-day and I often wondered if this was the subconscious motivation for him to want out. Once he felt she might not see him as the god he needed to be, he no longer needed her.
Btw, I love the bar theme but can we add a grill. Fresh grilled tuna and a strawberry dacquiri are my favorite summer treats, as well as a fresh spring mix salad with raspberry shrub dressing, goat cheese and dried cranberries. YUM!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:15 AM, May 17th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I had some palm fronds trimmed off and set out for trash tomorrow, but I can drop them off here for the new Tiki Bar.

My wife too is one of those who need to hash through everything. It took me a long time early in the M to learn to just listen and not try to fix things. Apparently, I did not learn well enough....

I am doing better with this post Dday. Interestingly, if I want to process something from my work on occasion, she will quickly identify a parallel in her work and then we are back to talking (listening) about her. It is one of the huge differences in us, how she can just go on and on about a topic while I sit quietly and ruminate.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did I hear someone call my name? Buffing sunnies! Forgive, you are right. I would be the man for the job. The problem with that is I really think UKgirl was looking for a much younger waiter. Miracle even specified youth.

Yes this place needs a grilling area next to the pool. I have visions of a pool side outdoor kitchen/bar combo. 3 or 4 grills, fridge, ice maker, and sink. It will be a great place to concentrate on the legs, breasts, and butts. I am putting in a order for 75 80 degree weather, year round.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl:

i buy tgif's fridays mudslide mix, just add ice and blend...yummy...


have found it very hard to find something in me to change. I cannot see how I could have done things differently to have perhaps prevented the affair

affairs are not about the bs's, the marriage or anything else outside of the ws...it is ALWAYS ABOUT THE WS.....his/her deficiencies, his/her inadequacies, his/her whatever....it is always about the ws...

my sich is a perfect example...we were both in the same marriage, none of my needs were met, all of his were but one...and even that one wouldn't have mattered because he was an om before he met me....and although this is not typical it is still so much like every other affair ws's choose to have....

i don't care what is wrong in the marriage, choosing to go outside the marriage to meet your needs will never make a marriage work better.....feel better......or be better....and it will in fact do the opposite....

and even if the ws doesn't want to change the marriage, having an affair will never make them happy either, living in dishonesty is a miserable existance...living a life of lies is pure hell....sure at times we think well they must have had fun, great sex and who knows what else,.....but not a one of them was able to be free.....the freedom i speak of isn't just a word it is way of life, it is a total embodiment....and i lived free of fear...i have my fears, we all do, but my fears can be voiced, my fears are not hidden, my fears are normal fears....the ws cannot say that until they confront who they are completely and deal with it and change it....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

by the pool is cool...and i want cabana boys

Dip - I know Miracle is stressing boys but I say, never let a boy do a man's job! Miracle, you might want to rethink this.
Btw - UKG - what the heck is "buffing your sunnies?" Must be an English specialty.
Does sound interesting though.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip: i never specified youth....boys is just a gender..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

having an affair will never make them happy either, living in dishonesty is a miserable existance...living a life of lies is pure hell....sure at times we think well they must have had fun, great sex and who knows what else,.....but not a one of them was able to be free...

I couldn't agree more. Like I've said before, my H needed sleeping bills and anxiety meds during his A years. Today, nada. Hmmm, could there be a correlation?
Great post Miracle! As usual.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone… I apologies if you took that the wrong way… It seems to me, when we first meet someone, we have the feeling where we can be open, unafraid, confident, fearless, unlocked… share dreams, hopes… And then we get M. Once M, time changes things. We learn each other so well, our defenses kick in, and we do things that are not as loving, we get caught up in other relationships (like our kids)… and we lose something we once had. We lose that deep intimate feeling we had. It happened to me. I coped… and was happy shifting my life experiences to work and kids events… Yes, W and I had fun times to but it was usually with other couples, our families.. It was hardly ever, just me and her… I think many M get to this point… I would even venture to say all do… It opens the door for that third person to enter your M if a your spouse falls in that “disposition” to cheat FOO personality profile… (LTA folks have that)

So what Retrouvaille can do is this… Kick start you back to a point where you can open up again. You can start to share feelings again… Don’t be such a chicken… go for it!

Forgivenotforget… I’m sure my W was caught in a mess. My W never said she thought her boss would fire her if she stopped having intercourse with him…I don’t believe that for one minute. It is what it is… It was sexual harassment. I am sure of that. She got nice bonuses, a good wage… It’s hard to admit to myself but my W was a paid mistress.. she admitted she never set out to be a mistress. He was so aggressive. My W said she wanted to stop many times but it just never did... Yep, like an addiction!

UK…

I cannot see how I could have done things differently to have perhaps prevented the affair
Nope… because that is who we were at the time… plus, some people just cheat. Until something happens to the cheater that makes them realize what is important in life.. they will cheat, run to next relationship… cheat…lie, run to next relationship… until one day the wake up… maybe even lonely. Heck… maybe they like being lonely. Personally, I want someone with me.

Atsenaotie.. lol… I hear ya brother…

It took me a long time early in the M to learn to just listen and not try to fix things.

Hey Iwant..

i don't care what is wrong in the marriage, choosing to go outside the marriage to meet your needs will never make a marriage work better.....feel better......or be better....and it will in fact do the opposite....
leaving us to wonder even more what is wrong... It sucks...

Anyway.. my daughter graduates in 2 weeks. I’m making a video for her open house. I must say it has been pretty hurtful… I cannot help but look at all those wonderful pictures… somehow with mixed laughing and mix pain… the pain surfaces in tears thinking for so long… for so many years… they passed so quickly for both my daughter and my M… from 2000 to 2008… my W faked her true love for me… Half my daughter life my W was loving another man. It’s hard as hell… 21 months out and I still can cry…. I just couldn’t stop this morning and couldn’t even go to work… Even today, I thought could I be better off just moving on… or am I close to some sort of freedom…

Anyway.. peace to all today…


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
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Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It’s hard as hell… 21 months out and I still can cry…. I just couldn’t stop this morning and couldn’t even go to work…

Tryn - so sorry to hear you're having "one of those days." I know you know you'll be feeling better soon but everyone of us here can relate to what you're feeling today. The down days truly suck - there's just no way to avoid them sometimes, especially when going through old photos and reliving old memories. Our minds just start to look at those pictures and wonder what signs we missed. I'm sure your wife will admit to feeling really sad too when you present the finished video. She will probably be flooded with guilt and shame. No one wins in these LTA scenarios. We just have to hope we can make things better for ourselves and our families. (((Tryn)))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:22 AM, May 17th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
old dipstick
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Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgive. I agree with you. Send in a man with much experience if you want the job done right. I really did not know what "buffing the sunnies" ment either. I just thought it sounded like something I could do, if I could ever find out what it was. I am a quick learner about some things.

miracle. O.K. So you are saying you want cabana boys, cabana old farts or anything in between?

Mudslides. I saw a bottle of tgif mudslides in a store this weekend. I wondered if that was what you used.

tryn. Congratulations. You did good with your daughter. I know you are proud of her. I hope you are able to focus on this happy time without to much trouble. These special events seem to bring those dark thoughts on.

ats. It is hard to listen to all that "venting" and not want to fix things. I really believe that we feel "if I could just fix this, I would not have to listen to all this crap, all the time."


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: no apology needed - I didn't take offense. In fact - I APOLOGIZE for making you feel like you were offensive.

And, yes, my marriage was as you described & yes I am a chicken. But at least I know I'm a chicken, that's a start isn't it?

It's a work in progess. And, btw - we are planning to go away for a weekend soon - you can't imagine the logistics involved.

O- and I had a similar experience with the photos today. I had to choose one for my son's class project from about 5 years ago. I looked at myself - at how genuinely happy I was at that point & there were a few pictures of my husband & myself & we both looked happy together, not realizing how lucky we were & I got upset this morning thinking will I ever be genuinely 100% happy ever again? Made me sad. It also allowed my evil little mind to wander as to when & how the karma bus would strike ow.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

old dipstick,
It is hard to listen to all that "venting" and not want to fix things. I really believe that we feel "if I could just fix this, I would not have to listen to all this crap, all the time."

It has taken me even longer to appreciate that while she does not do thinks as I think they should be done, she is effective and successful doing things in her own way. It is just a "of the moment" path that would drive me nuckingfuts.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously, UKG, the suspense is killing me. What is "buffing my sunnies?"


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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