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User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
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Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fears of guys who try are well founded and why in a way comparing a womans situation to a mans in this has a fatal flaw.

Typically a man gets FUCKED in D. Every other weekend dad giving 25% plus of his income and it is a crock.

The court system fucking sucks!

If my daughter had an issue I would tell her to leave and totally screw over the guy.

If I had a son I would tell him NEVER get married!

Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
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Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, the courts suck.

My XW and I share custody 50/50 (which is great; fortunately she never pushed for more custody).

We share all kid-related expenses 50/50. Which is completely fair. BUT, in addition to that, I give her enough of my salary to raise her disposable after-tax income significantly above mine. And she gets to live in the house while I'm throwing my money down the toilet for apartment rent.

What they're calling child support is really maintenance, and a shit-load of maintenance. As I said, I'm already paying half of the kids expenses, and the kids are with me half of the time.

Yup, the women have the men by the balls in divorce court, at least in my state.

But still, I'd have paid anything to get the hell out of that marriage.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 8:31 AM, October 25th (Monday)]

BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every other weekend dad giving 25% plus of his income and it is a crock.

33% here if I D...fuck that

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was 28% of my GROSS; until I did some research and paperwork on my own. I used the system (and it was a long, tiring process), and lowered it accordingly, especially since ex makes 25k more a year than I do, and I have more kids in current shit marriage.

C/S is for C/S. NOT Starbucks, vacations, and new wardrobes. My ex would con me into paying for sports, dance, new clothes, school supplies, medical, and I woke up one day realizing I was paying 100% of everything AND child support. And my younger kids were suffering for it.

Now I pay a realistic amount (roughly 15% of NET) and I still get to spend some great times with my oldest two.

holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
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Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey fellas: New to the board and after reading most of this thread, I feel at home!

My story: Me/WW (mid 30s), 2 kids under 4. Married for 10 yrs, known each other for 15. She is part of a great family - get along with all of them, big family, her dad and her have a great relationship, he's a straight and narrow dude who carries a big stick with the heart of gold. We had a great friendship, same things in common with different personalities (she- type A and me - laid back).

The A happened Jan-2010, she came clean a couple weeks after. It crushed me. My idea of my life was crushed and everything I had been working towards was down the drain. I couldn't believe it - I was a mess at work. A brief history of events leading up to A: she was going back to work after maternity leave and she worked with the OM (who's marriage had already been in shambles) and was on a friend basis (I confronted her about it and she strongly denied it was anything more than a friendship). I was working a lot of hours, minor PPD, she felt a void in attention, yada yada, you get the drill. She came clean a couple weeks after the A started. She felt remorse, wanted to start fresh with me, was so sorry, etc. So, we probably jumped back into it sooner than we should have. I eventually forgave and things got better.

Then, her feelings started lingering for the guy and she continued the affair and stopped trying with me. So, we started counseling. We did that for a while (5-6 sessions) but her heart just wasn't in it - I could tell. She was upfront abuot her feelings and why she did the things she did but she said she still had feelings for the dude. At one point she told me she was in love with him. So FFWD to April and she moves to the guest room. We stop all physical contact and she also spends a few nights a week away from the house - said it was too weird. I agreed!

Eventually, she moved out of the house to her own place mid summer. Been there since. Kids live with me - she takes them a couple nights a week and helps with pickups, etc, but I have them 80% of the time. She told me the other guy just recently moved in with her.

Throughout this whole ordeal she has aplogized to me, saying how wrong she was and how sorry and how I deserved better, etc. But then around labor day before I was going to my good buddy's bachelor party she called me up late one night telling me what a d-bag the dude is and she doesn't know what she was thinking and she wants me to take her back, start anew. It ripped my heart out hearing her cry and tell me this. I want to beat the crap out of the guy but it's her mess now. So I went to the bachelor party and we were texting as if we were starting the R process. False hope. Well, lo and behold, I get back and she tells me she wants to take things real slow. Translation - nothing changed. same ol same ol.

Just recently we've been emailing back and forth (hard to talk at work) and she's talked abuot regret, etc. So here's the deal...obviously, when she pulls stuff like this, it messes with me big time. But, I've worked all summer at getting myself strong - working out, going out with the single buddies that I still do have, hobbies, etc. Only thing I haven't done is chase tail but that is tough in the situation I'm in (limbo, kids at home,etc.). My head is telling me to R b/c my WW and I once had something special with her and our kids our so young. But, my heart and gut are kind of checked out - not totally, though. I've been waiting for a sign during this separation, but nothing has clicked for me yet.

Anyhow, felt like sharing. Keep up the thread, guys, it's great/. Any thoughts are welcomed!

[This message edited by Blueeyedfella at 9:36 PM, October 25th (Monday)]

Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you had to join up with us Blueeyedfella but welcome. Vent, curse, cry, ask questions, share--do whatever it takes to get you through another day with some sanity intact.

What stood out for me in your post was the two children under 4. How unbelievably sad that they're caught up in the middle of this.

The impression I got from your description of events is that your WW is in a deep fog. Everyone's situation is a bit different here so there are no easy answers. But it sounds like you've become the man she falls back on when times get tough. If my WW told me she loved another man, I'd kick her to the curb. But then I don't have two little children to think about.

Keep checking back in here and let us know how you're doing.

Edit: My WW also started screwing around within a year after our son was born. Hormones? Postpartum depression? Coincidence? Just another excuse? I dunno.

[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 10:29 PM, October 25th (Monday)]

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well fella, I got me some blue eyes too, but the thing that got me on your post was the word regret.
When you distill it all down, regret is concerned and cryin about the consequences of her actions to her.
Remorse is another thing entirely, but you absolutely need that - she absolutely has to have that in her heart - if you don't want to spend all your time proving to yourself how awesome you are and fixing her.

If she aint got it, she aint got it. You can't put it there.
Rest easy in the mind of a true one brother.
There's no price, nor nothing that can be paid, not the world's riches! for peaceful sleep. Don't let her mess with your mind.

Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BlueEyedFella,

My advice bassed on what has helped me would be to figure out what you want what you can live with and what you cant...

Ill admit its pretty damn easy to say that, but once you know what you want it becomes relatively easy to put a plan in place aimed at achieving it.

Ive found that once i have a plan of action, once i know what im going to do then its like a weight is lifted off my shoulders, I feel like i have some cotrol again, I have some idea of whats coming.

If you cant figure out what you want at the moment, because your heart and your head are in conflict, or your just not sure, then the next best thing is to work out what it is you need to help you decide.

Youll probably want some time, You may want to give your WW the opportunity to demonstrate her commitment, or lack of it.... you may want to do some reading, or write up some stuff.... essentially if you dont know what it is you want then you need a plan to figure it out.... and once youve got a plan then you can start making progress.

I allways feel significantly better if i have a plan in place.... With a plan you become proactive rather than reactive.

If your reactive it can be all to easy to be swept along in the current and end up someplace that your dont really like and really didnt want to be in the first place.

As to your specific situation, it sux to say, but it sounds like she has emotionally checked out of the M and as MrKite says still wants to keep you as a saftey net. For some guys thats ok, the hope that she will dump him and return is sufficient to allow them to go through that. However i would think that the majority of us would warn you that once the emotional attachment has been broken it is incredibly difficult to restore, The M can continue, and a working Relationship may be able to be maintained, but the deeper emotional bond will likely as not be missing. My fear then would be that there is little to hinder a repeat of the same behaviour at a later time if it 'feels right' to her.

Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You WW is just fucking with your head. In cases like this insanity CAN be catching. So watch out.

Suggest you look up the 180 in the Healing Library (yellow box at the left) and follow that.

Cut the email text stuff out. No communication unless it has to do with the kids.

This will force you WW to get all her needs met by the OM. And this usually takes the shine off the A and many times the A will end.

Good luck buddy.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
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Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the words of encouragement, everyone. Kite, deep fog is exactly how I would describe her now. She's always been a very intelligent/together/organized/etc person and she just seems so thinly spread right now that her emotional fuse seems short. I know she is trying to figure things out for herself as to why she is doing this. Anyhow, I guess I have no choice but to keep on keepin on. Holiday season is coming and it won't be fun.

Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Based on personal experience and what other BH's have shared on this site, it is very likely that your WW won't do jack-squat about anything until she realizes you mean business. As long as there's a sliver of hope that all of this will blow over, she will continue to do whatever she wants despite the pain it causes you and your children.

It's not until a firm NC is in place and lawyers and court dates follow, that WW's seem to come out of their fog. The better you seem to be doing in her eyes, the more likely that will happen.

It sounds like you were on the right track by lifting weights, getting strong, hanging out with your buddies, and pursuing hobbies. Keep on doing that.

It's extremely painful to do a 180 on someone you were once so in love with, but if she's anything like my WW, she's not the same person you married. It's not a mistake or a series of mistakes, it's a lifestyle choice and you weren't consulted or included. Lawyer up, if it comes to that, and take care of yourself and your kids first.

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
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Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blueeyedfella, Welcome to SI. Sorry for what you are going through.

I agree that the 180 is needed. Here is a link to a helpful thread titled, Understanding the 180:

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5613 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are stuck in the fall back cycle.

You are the insurance policy that will always be there when her relationships fizzle out or have problems. She comes back to you for comfort and security. That will last for a short period of time until she feels safe and emotionally stable again. Eventually, she will grow bored again and seek to fill the bottomless void she perceives she has that can never realisitically be filled. (By you or anyone for that matter)

Until there is growth on her end, (growth will require suffering and tough love on your part) she will continue this cycle until she finds another man who can provide for her emotionally and financially. Once that happens, she will rationalize leaving you by not wanting to "put you thru" any more shit as you "deserve better". She becomes the sacrifical martry doing the right thing while you are left mopping up all of the responsibilities aftermath of the infidelity.

She will continue the cycle with the next unsuspecting man.

This is backed up by the fact she only contacts you when she is having problems. To boot, she is talking to you about issues she is having with other men!

Figuring stuff out, finding ones self and confused are all common catch phrases all of us betrayed men are used to hearing.

Be careful not to enable this behavior. She needs to see what life is like without you and that it isn't one big party. I know whatever choice you make will be painful but the story you mention is very common and I have read post after post with really only 1 result.

ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances

Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
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Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This can mess with your head but you have a solid foundation. Doing guy stuff working on you kids around 80% to boot.

She has done jack shit to earn her way back in. If she does so be it but a few words is not it.

Dont stop doing what you are doing.

Can I trade you? Kids with me her gone .... my dream.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
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Member # 28874
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can sooo relate to what everyone is saying here. The following is my situation exactly. Does this line up with anyone elses situation and were you able to make the M work?

Dr.Robert Huizenga,The Infidelity Coach,is the founder of of“How to Break Free from the Affair.”A licensed Marriage&Family Therapist,Certified Social Worker,holds a Doctorate of Ministry in Marriage&Family Therapy

One kind of affair is "My Marriage Made Me Do It."

Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:

1. Expect that your spouse will have a very powerful attachment to the other person. The other person will consistently be on her mind. Your spouse will shift energy away from you, the children, the household and her career to her affair relationship. She will be focused, but not on you. Your spouse will attempt to push you away by avoiding you, ignoring you, closing off communication or walking away.

2. The affair will most likely be a long-term affair. It will be very difficult for your spouse to walk away from the other person. He may try on a number of occasions but will continue to gravitate back to the other person. He will hold on tenaciously. This is probably the first or only affair for your spouse. Your spouse is not interested in playing or fooling around but powerfully attaching to the other person. The other person is the savior!

3. Don’t believe that the affair was planned before hand because of a bad marriage. These affairs usually just happen. They usually happen with someone in close proximity: co-worker, neighbor, friend (frequently of friends with whom you socialize), etc. The other person is usually the aggressor, your spouse lacking the confidence to seek out the affair. The rationale that it happened because of a lousy marriage comes after the affair is in bloom.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
I won't get fooled again.

Me: BH mid-40's
Her: WW early 40's
Married: 12 yrs
One son: Under 10
D-Day 1: October 2007
D-Day 2: May 2010

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jun 2010
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Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blueeyedfella, sorry you had to join us here.
I agree with the others that you are now the fallback guy, the insurance, etc. It could even be an exit affair since she confessed, then not only continued, but took the relationship deeper and moved in together. Sounds like it’s over and she’s just dragging you along just in case she can’t make this new relationship work.

Have you filed yet? This doesn’t sound like a marriage at all; she’s living with someone else. Might as well make that a official thing and move on with your life. The divorce would give you a chance to put your head on straight, get some distance and get perspective to focus on what you want in a marriage. Then you could judge whether or not she’s really worthy of a lifetime commitment and whether you want her back. And, like some other’s have mentioned, you are in a ideal position right now to get what you probably want and set the terms. Hate to say it, but take advantage while she’s still foggy. Wouldn’t you rather be in a position where you can decide whether or not you want to married to her, just based entirely on who she is, not what else you might gain or lose? At least go for a legal separation so it sets a precedence in case it comes down to a divorce.

BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, October 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kids with me her gone .... my dream.

boy ain't that the truth, mine was gone 3 days, what fun I had w/kids, thinhs went so smooth, even the boy noticed, he said Thurs nite "it's really quiet around here w/mom gone"-no one screaming/bitching.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, October 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess that was my eye opener too...while WW was off fucking Barney Fife in Phoenix, I had two weeks of peace and quiet: No dirty house, no laundry or dishes piled up (and I cooked every dinner for the kids still); no drama getting the kids up and going or dropped off at daycare / school, and still got to work every day by 7 am. Did I mention my youngest three (that live with me full time) are 5, 3, and 20 months old?

holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
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Member # 29048
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more reply to Blue eyed guy. I am amazed at how level headed you are in the situation you have been given. With your wife moving out to be with OM, and leaving a 2 and 4 year old 80% of the time, she has not just broken the M, she has taken an ax to it, burned the spinters and peed on the ashes. Her calling you to work toward R and then backing off within a 24 hour period is beyond cruel.

You are obviously doing the right thing. You say your head is telling you to R, but from what I see your head should be telling you she is practically rubbing your nose in her sordid affair. She has done nothing to earn her way back. And even if she suddenly has an epiphany, this M will be extraordinarily hard to fix, given that she has openly flaunted her infidelity to the world, while you have been staying at home with the kids and living in celibacy.

You know what is best, but if you really want her to make a commitment, follow the 180 to the letter. Go dark excpet for absolute necessity, file for D, and let her stew in her own juices. Your acting as her confidante and sounding board is enabling her to continue her misbehavior.

You need to let her know that you are no longer her friend, ally, buddy, shrink or whatever and will no longer take the 6 months of abuse while she enjoys the benefits of having you be the fall back while sleeping every night in posom's bed. Just saying....

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jul 2010
♂ Member
Member # 29048
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 27th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting and lost. Big man hug coming. What happened to change things? Last update she seemed to finally be getting it.

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jul 2010
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