quite possibly cause for the vast majority of us its been so long since we had really good sex that well we've either just about forgotten what it is, or weve all withdrawn to reminisce in our own heads about how it used to be...
We could talk about what our alcoholic beverage of choice is for helping us get through this... but meh...
Actually im approaching the 1 year antiversary of my DDay, just a couple of weeks away now.
Who'd have though that id be where i am now.... actually probably most of the BM that were here before me... but not I.
Only a year ago i still believed my world was still perfect.... I still believed that STBXW and I were a near perfect couple, that we were so different to all the others whose marriages had failed, that we were so strong that that could never happen...
Jeeze if i could meet my self from a year ago in the street, id walk up to me slap me across the face and say, "dude, your a schmuck!" ... Shit i should probably say the same to myself going back several years.
Wanted to touch on a pet peeve of mine, different responses to adultery based on your sex. Don't know if this has been covered but the thread is 44 pages long...
When WW talks about her adultery, most women rally and give support to the WW.She gets PM's from other women she don't know lending support (Oh you poor dear, etc.). Friends rally round her.
When I mention I'm a BH, I've gotten a couple of responses like what did you do to cause that? Tough break man.
Mention a WH, and people seem ready to castrate the dude.
I know this is not your typical crowd and everyone here has been affected by adultery but am I imaging this?
Its sort of the same double standard that gets applied to male singles that sleep around (studs) vs female singles that sleep around (sluts)
Just one more condiment of shit that we have to deal with on this big ol shit sandwich.
In this light, the responsibility for their individual actions never lands where it should. With them.
For instance: If the roles were flipped, and we were all WH's rather than BH's, we would all be pegged as "fitting the mold" and the stereotypes of men sowing their oats holds up in many minds. BUT, becuase many people think in exactly those terms, they dont know exactly where to place our "type". We just dont fit into the preconceived notion of infidelity, where the men cheat and the women are "victims".
Who would have ever thought that a discussion about sex would kill a men-only thread?
dunno about ya'll, but the biggest impact of the A was in the bedroom-I just don't want it like before-dunno if i feel like its tainted or just the simple emasculation of hearing WW gush about how badly she wanted OMM.
I never understood why at times I would just be turned off by my W but a hot girl walking by I would feel like a 16yo in heat.
It was subtle abuse. Yelling over nothing, not returning affection, not trusting me while she was cheating herself.
You guys that have left more power too yoiu. If you can recover your self esteem after all the BS your WW did to you in the end you will have better sex than you ever did with your wife even if your new partner was timid. If you are smart you will be with a nce one and that makes a HUGE difference.
Time to grow a beard...
The back and forth and in-between, is the tension, the complicating tension.
In this corner, we get the best thing we ever had, one of the best things about the experience of life.
In this corner, we have the source of one of life's greatest pains (why we are here).
It's alot like a tuning-fork whose travel is an amplitude. When 'struck' by the stupid dam hammer of infidelity, it begins a-ringing. Loud - to fading out to stillness. I'm struck by triggers, and stereotypes that mess with my entropic evolution toward that stillness. I'm still headed toward stillness with the sex thing.
Stereotypes are for other people. They don't strike me near as hard as they used to.
If the setting's right, I'll tell them; "I know how you feel, I used to think that way myself."
Keeps me from wrestling with pigs (who don't get it). I might get the question; "What caused you to change your mind?" maybe once out of 10-20 times.
There's a reason thou shalt not commit adultery. I think it's 30,000 times here, yet still really, mostly invisible. Like, holy.
I don't feel ready to touch that yet. Unworthy? Not healed enough? Not ready? I don't know, I feel pretty scared about it though, and I've learned to trust my gut better, that's for sure.
I hope every dam one of you here kicks ass.
After I'd beat down and hog tied the mind movies (which I made a priority), it wasn't much of a leap to revive that old skill set.
I think that once you give up the illusion that sex has to/ought to be meaningful, it makes it easier to just accept the gratification for what it is.
Which is not to say that sex with your partner *can't* be meaningful, just that it doesn't have to be.
Hell, if I waited for everything I did to feel meaningful, I'd never go back to work (yet another triumph of imagination over reality).
entropic evolution toward the stillness
from you, jjct.
I may even have it put on a t-shirt.
But it is hard to look at children and not think past that.
But wal in a way you are right. Just do it.
But man my brain tells mr woha sometimes WTF do you want to sleep with her of all people (being my WW).
But it is hard to look at children and not think past that.
I don't know about you, but I try to keep my kids out of the bedroom when I'm doing that.
Another interesting development. Because we’re daily now, we’ve discovered how important it is to “lead up” to the act. I’d like to think that I could just perform and enjoy it whenever the opportunity presented itself... but have discovered that if I’m just jumped, I’ll take much to long and it isn’t that rewarding physically sometimes never reaching a climax. Sorry, but beyond a half hour or more just makes things sore. Btw; a porn distortion is how long it should take.. According to studies I’ve seen, both men and women get the most out of sex when it’s quick (<10 minutes). So we’ve also increased the taunting, the innuendos, and the flirting so by the time the kids are in bed, we’re both ready to get sweaty. So good sex takes work and preparation :)
Still haven’t found enough courage to tell her she gives horrible blowjobs and train her how to do it better... :)
...she gives horrible blowjobs...
That's too bad. In our case, one of the only upshots of the A was that she learned a lot of new tricks in that department.
Dude, thats too bad. My WW always has been gifted in that department. I just always knew not to ask how she acquired that fine skillset!
I apologize for veering the conversation away from sex, but I want to ask your opinions on this:
So we just had a heart-to-heart talk. The first one in many, many months.
She said: "What do you want from me?"
I said: "I want you to say, 'I love you, and I want to be married to you for the rest of my life.'"
She said: "I'm sorry. I can't say that right now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say that."
And later, she said: "I am incapable of fulfilling your most basic, fundamental needs, and you are incapable of fulfilling my most basic, fundamental needs."
So that's it. I see no point in waiting for her to change, because I don't think that she is ever going to change.
Do I just cut my losses and divorce her? Or do I stick around in this loveless marriage so my kids won't grow up as children of divorce (the way I grew up - and I am still traumatized by my own parents' divorce)?
Only you know when you've had enough. For example, when this shitstorm hit my first marriage, I couldnt get out fast enough. I've never had any real regrets on that one either.
I'll never forget about two years after the fact, my oldest Son and I were driving somewhere, and out of the blue he pipes up with how he wishes his Mom and I were still married, etc etc.
I began telling him how even though his Mom and I were divorced, it didnt mean that either one of us loved him any less, and that sometimes two people just shouldnt be married. I understood how he felt becuase once in a while that first year his Mom and I split I wondered the same thing sometimes.
The cell phone rang, and I just hit speaker phone becuase I was driving without even looking at the caller ID. It was the Ex, calling me a bunch of names and cussing, etc...I immediately cut in and informed her she was on speaker and our Son was right there and that I had to go.
My Son looked over at me with an amazed look on his face, and said: "I bet today isnt one of those days you wish you were still with Mom. WOW, Dad. Just WOW."
And all I could think was Wow Dad, he gets it. WOW.
I think the undeniable truth is that your kids will be affected if you divource, but they will also be affected if you stay.
The degree to which they are affected i think depends on each families situation. For some divource is the only solution, for others its the lesser of two evils, do you know what aspect of the divource traumatised you, would you be able to minimise that in your own divource? ... not this might not make any difference to your kids but will help you deal with it.
If you decide to stay then you should be under no illusions that you are teaching your kids by example how a relationship should be, and its likely that they will emulate you to a degree when they get older. Further you have no guarantee that your W will want to remain in the M.
I can only imagine that its a horrible place to be put in, having to make that decision, in some ways i am glad that the decision was made for me.