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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
Unthinkable_Pain
♂ Member
Member # 27380
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I found another subtle nudge today. I was reading over the orientation letter for DD's preschool, most of it made a point to say "Mom and Dad" but it ended with Don't Worry Mom's, they'll be fine!! in bold print. Fuckin' A, I feel like I gotta go to a strip club or something, maybe I could find my balls there.


Me:BH 33 (30 when she started the A)
DDay:1/24/2010
A beautiful 4yr old daughter and I am DAMN PROUD TO SAY I HAVE CUSTODY :)
Divorced 11/22/2010

Posts: 373 | Registered: Jan 2010
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this stage in my R, to continue to repeat conversations and tell her what I need yet again I just don’t have in me anymore. So I’m silent, and she damn well senses this.

Hey Bro -- can you really call your situation R? Sounds like limboland to me.

Check this out guys... kind of eerily scary for me as it describes my experience with my xw almost to the gnat's ass. Having lived thru and survived the turmoil, I can say that playing a doormat/nice guy role post Dday is not the way to go. Too bad I did not kick her out on Dday.

http://www.womensinfidelity.com/


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 1:54 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think their is a point and we just about all hit it.

At anywhere from a year plus out you have your shit together as much as you can and you say fuck this!

You are willing to lose the relationship to get what you want. You demand respect. You dont care if WW is pissed at all.

You simply do not care. Hence why usually after 3 years you either resign to a contract of staying til kids are grown, you D, or you get angry and demand more and they leave.

The key in all of this is what SCD and WAL are saying.

Respect. You must respect yourself first and once you do everything will change.

I respect myself now. i will be be. But damn well you fuck with me I am going to hurt you every way I know how. i will never in my life allow anybody least of all my WW to ever disrespect me again and if I lose anything because of it so be it.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
played-a-fool
♂ Member
Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this thread just answered a question I posted on another thread. In a nutshell I asked if it's ever too late to start this 180 thing? My D-Day is 7 mos ago and I hate to admit it but I've acted like a doormat. I've never acted like this in my life and I absolutely hate it. I have always been very assertive but not in the last 7 mos. I made her move out for about a week but one text from her that seemed sincere and I was begging her to come back. I wish I could take that back. Now I'm thinking I need to re-do that and if I do take her back at some point it should be on my terms. Right now she seems very remorseful so if I start my 180 it may hurt our R but at this point I don't care. I need to respect myself again and right now I don't. I feel weak. What do you guys think? Continue like I am in this position of weakness or 180 and take control. I feel my testes groing back as I type. LOL. And do you think a 180 while still in the home is in order since we have a teenaged girl to raise or should I move out for a while? Bring on the knoweledge.

[This message edited by played-a-fool at 3:28 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)]


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Aug 2010
FatherofFour
♂ Member
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, you hear about deadbeat dads, and over in D/S child support is the sacred cow it seems. Don't ever question it, don't ever be late with it. That seems to be the mantra.

But today I am pissed off about it. I'm looking at 2 bedroom apartments while she's looking at houses. We have 50/50 custody! But the child support is based on income, regardless of debt. So since my income is higher, I pay.

I'm not a deadbeat dad. I want to support my kids. This is the first time I've bitched about CS at all. But it's damned tough not to think about what sort of home I could provide if that money was staying with me.


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
BrokenHead
♂ Member
Member # 24218
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

played-a-fool,
Never to late to start 180.

Need to separate...make her move out, she had the A.

I am year into limboland since D-Day and I've slowing been getting the grapes big enough to move on. I will have an appt. with the atty next week to start D/S. My limboland is worse than most since we are not in R, WW treats me like a grocery store clerk, even though the A has been over for 8 months.

Very apparent she has no respect for me and is just tolerating my existence.

Good luck.
BH


Posts: 144 | Registered: Jun 2009
BrokenHead
♂ Member
Member # 24218
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FoF,
I hear you, WW is SAHM for 20 years and we own our 500k house outright. Likely we will have to co-own this house till kids are out of HS and meanwhile I am going to be hunting for a little fixer-ups since a starter home my town is 250k.

Wouldn't piss me off that much, I know I will be on the hook for everything...BUT WW has already hinted she is too _sick_ and abused from our marriage to start up training for entering the working world (shes got an MA in education).

I'd be good with the anything the court says as long as it included something to require her to get back into the workforce and take responsibility for her own pathetic life.

Otherwise you can just pencil me in as a pimped out slave maintaining her comfy existence facebooking old HS BF's and online shopping at Victoria Secret.

(tad bitter ain't I)

[This message edited by BrokenHead at 3:57 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 144 | Registered: Jun 2009
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

feeling wordy today
Hey Bro -- can you really call your situation R? Sounds like limboland to me.

It’s a R (of sorts). It is an R because both the WW and I are still working on building the marriage instead of pulling apart. It is limboland... or the lethal plain of flatness with only little steps forward that count for a R. Far from the ideal R.... But it ain’t S or D either.

When it comes to who she is, I see the same basic person who cheated on me. There have been no major revelations, no big changes in character, and nothing really has happened except she put a nice polish on her facade. Sure she’s re-established boundaries, follows rules, etc.. but without major change, she can erode these just as easily as she before and feel entitled to do so because I did something, or worse, because she thinks I’m going to do something wrong.

A glimpse of who she is. She tells me last weekend she feels like saying sorry all the time and has to stop herself. I asked why she feels like it’s so wrong to say sorry when she’s done something wrong. Her response is “I feel so spineless and manipulated.” She’s still so freaking broke she can’t even own any mistakes even when she knows she causes damage. Until she figures out strength of character also takes the courage to admit fault and own it, she is going to continue to hurt those around her. It is difficult to respect anyone who runs from the havoc they made whether it’s little or big. Say sorry when you mean it, and don’t when you don’t; it’s fucking simple.

Btw; the way I responded to her ignoring her head to say sorry was: “Who are you really? Your own mind knows the proper response, but there is this Ego inside you that keeps you from actually doing what you know is right and could soothe wounds. Throughout your A timeline, you have said you knew you were stepping over that line, yet you were able to ignore yourself. Who is this person you keep trying to be? Is that really what you want?” I got a “your cruel..” response......... Doesn’t matter; I just want her thinking about what she wants to be and whether she’s really on that path. The marriage doesn’t matter, but I don’t want her thinking she’s “this” when her actions aren’t supporting that lovely thought..... I could love her if she ever really figures who she is and what she stands for; I could stop guessing. Right now, she’s still all over the place and lies to herself as much, if not more, than she lies to me.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 weeks into supposed R and my WW is already slipping. Good thing I didnt have any high expectations. Question though:

If we find ourselves now (and throughout the marriage prior to the A) lowering our standards for the WW, while we keep them high for ourselves, what the hell is that saying about real R in the future?

Tired of lowering the bar and still getting pissed on.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, you're cruel for pointing out her fuckery.

I got that, and I was "insulting" her too. Imagine that!

Coldly, without emotion
describing what she did,
made me the enemy.
The bad one.

Love the turn-around doncha?
Talk about deflecting, avoiding ownershit.

I like how they deal you a
heart's death blow,
then act so surprised you'd be hurting.
"I didn't think you'd care" is its bastard offspring
seeping like pus
outta their mouf.

t2g, excellent link.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey FoF, BH,

In some ways i consider myself lucky here in europe. At least alimony and CS are fixed.... ( the legal fees are as well )

Where i live alimony is only awarded while you are seperated and not yet divourced. Once the divource is finalised it is assumed that the custodial parent is either able to work, or recieving social welfare, or some other state benefit to support themselves with.

The child support is calculated of a formula/table that first takes into account your existing required expenditures, so for me this is pension, health insurance, the mortgage on the family home... the balance is applied to the formula, the formula stipulates a minimum remainder to support yourself, plus any other dependents, and determines how much CS is paid to each child.

In a sick twist you are on the hook here for CS until the child has finished tertiary training...possibly up until they are 25!!! Where i come from you pay for your own education, you get a cheap loan from the state to pay for it, and repay it once you start working. not so here.


Initially it all seems great. But my wife earns quite well, she then gets a large support package from the state for the children, and my CS as well. it means that in the end she has a net income that is almost 3 times mine, ok she needs to pay for everything for the kids, but a lot is subsidised cause shes now a Single Mom, her legal fees are all covered by the state i have to pay mine...

I dont really begrudge her for it, after all i know that she will be spending it on the kids in one way or another, be it the pizza delivery the other night, or the holiday last month...

but it does mean that i have little or no spare cash, and i will not have any for probably the next year at least to do anything with the kids, they will have to feel lucky about going to the movies with me once a month.... or skipping that and saving for something like a fun park every 3 months.

The rest of the time it will have to be stuff that doesnt cost anything....

I was seriously considering going to the docs the other day and getting 'the Chop' to make sure that im incapable of siring any more kids.. not that the world couldnt use more of my offspring, but i just cannot afford it.

ps my run yesterday was completed without getting wet at all, it stopped raining just as i was about to leave and i ticked of a nice 10 miles with 3 ladies from the club. A stunning sunset was thrown in as well.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Father of Four,

Oh, I so, so get what you are saying. I've tried on multiple occasions to get my outrage acknowledged on the D/S forum, but other than a few brave men (such as Kuwaited) who aren't afraid to get get their balls torn to shreds by the angry mob, the respondents have consistently told me in so many words that I'm a bastard for being so selfish about money. Many told me to seek therapy.

Sounds like the laws in your state suck as well. I also have 50/50 custody. CS is all about equalizing household incomes, and it runs through college. My state financially discourages the breadwinner from having shared custody, because I pay only a few dollars less CS than I would were she to have full custody (because as I said, it's all about equalizing income) and in addition I now have to pay half of the daily expenses, live in a bigger apartment, etc.

She gets to stay in the house, I'm in the apartment. I have no doubt she will remarry. Then she will have two men supporting her, not one (CS will not adjust in this case), so she'll be much better off than when we were married.

That's justice for you. There's nothing like having to pay your cheating X half your paycheck until you're practically retired. Where's their incentive to go out and try hard to actually make a decent living, to become self-sufficient? Poor wittle women, we must coddle the damned cheaters because they're more helpless than the children we're raising.

We were treated like a wallet during the M, and they get to keep using us in the same way after the D. Unless you're in this situation, you can't possibly imagine the bitterness that causes.

ETA: it also pisses me off that I work 3 times as many hours as my X, so in addition to the money, she also gets way more free time than me. I'm a slave. If I were to have a career crisis and switch to a lower paying job, well, too bad. The courts would not let me reduce payments in that case. But there's NO LEGAL INCENTIVE for her to get off her ass and earn a real living.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 8:06 AM, September 9th (Thursday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There has to be some way to get the law makers to look at this injustice!


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The state lawmakers that I know personally are male cheaters. They are not going to penalize themselves.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
BrokenHead
♂ Member
Member # 24218
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All,
Just came across this study.

http://edmonton.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20100907/narcissists-love-facebook-100907/20100907/?hub=EdmontonHome

I know that my WW spends a good 2-3 hours on facebook everyday (I've never used it). Further proof that they are low self-esteemed, narcissists...

It's all about her...isn't it?

[This message edited by BrokenHead at 8:40 AM, September 9th (Thursday)]


Posts: 144 | Registered: Jun 2009
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HurtingAndLost.

If we find ourselves now (and throughout the marriage prior to the A) lowering our standards for the WW, while we keep them high for ourselves, what the hell is that saying about real R in the future?

Tired of lowering the bar and still getting pissed on.

IMHO R even in the ideal sense is a shit hole.

Oftimes WW actually LOOSE respect for us if we want to even try to R. Me WW has say this to me. The WW here that say they respect they BH more because they want to R is IMHO a anomaly. I think most WW consider they A a *exit A* and actually want you to D them. They are emotionally checked out of the M. They dont love us. Hell. They dont even LIKE us. And if we try and R and stay in the M they rancor for us only increases.

So if you stay in you get disrespected by you WW. Possibly she will cheat again if she dont own her shit and fix her self. You get blamed for her A and the *state of the M that lead to the A* (pig shit). She had a great time with OM. OM is laughing his ass off at you. And you have to live with all that.

If you go the way of D. You get hammered financially. See you alimony and CS payment going to pay for toys for the OM. The court system here in the States rips you balls off and gives them to you WW to keep in a jar. From what I hear from friends who D. Alimony and CS payments are not deductible for you and you WW dont have to claim that income on her taxes. You get screwed repeatedly.

So if you stay it sucks. And if you go it sucks.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
my3sons
♂ Member
Member # 17667
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone....I've never been in this forum much over the few years I've sadly been a member but just reading things here and it sure seems I've found a bunch of guys that are married to the same WW that I am.

It is good to know that I can come into this forum and feel better that I am not alone in this sh^t.

I've read so many of your post that seems so close to the same bull that I am going through.

Just wanted to say thanks!

Razor: you just described what happened in my sitch with WW's first A and I stayed (which she wanted out with "exit A" and next thing I know she's having another A with a different man. She will do it again since she dislikes me so much. But I'm afraid of the @ss kicking I'm going to take financially if I D.

I guess I'll find out.

[This message edited by my3sons at 9:36 AM, September 9th (Thursday)]


1st OMM - dday 7/28/07
2nd OMM - dday Oct. 2009
BS - (me) 43
FWW? - 41
3 active and wonderful boys 15,13,8

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2008
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think most WW consider they A a *exit A* and actually want you to D them. They are emotionally checked out of the M. They dont love us. Hell. They dont even LIKE us. And if we try and R and stay in the M they rancor for us only increases.

That describes my situation exactly. My ex did everything in her power to make sure I hated her so that I would file for D. I, focused my attention on the kids (middle DD was set to graduate high school 7 months after Dday) and myself. Taking care of, and focusing om myself I elected to go to Europe for a bicycle race (Slovenia/Italy) and upon my return she presented me with D papers. This all happening right at DD's graduation time.


But.... within a short time of my moving out (and on!) OM dropped her like a hot rock. Three years later (to my knowledge) xww has yet to settle down into a steady relationship (to my knowledge - via DD's comments) and continues to live the partying rocker-chic (self proclaimed! ) life-style... as a 46yo woman.

Me? I have full custody of youngest DD, pay no CS, pay no alimony and have been in a steady, loving, 2.5 year relationship with the one and only person I have dated post S/D.

My point being that ending the M and getting a D is not always a bad thing! Quite the contrary.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t2g.

How did you avoid alimony?

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With all the discrimination laws, you'd think a guy would stand a chance, now. I mean really, the W has an A, the H files, and goes for custody, the judge says no. Children need their mother. That's fucking discrimination. In it's rawest form. He is prejudging that the H, is not as fit to be a parent as WW. What a crock of shit!!


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
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