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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does everyone here agree that divorce is better than limboland?

Do any dissenting voices out there think that being a long-term resident of limboland is better than being divorced?

Any stories from the trenches?

While sticking around to raise my son--which he made me promise to do until he was 18--limboland was tough. Now that he's 19 and moved out it's simply unacceptable.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, this is something that I often think and it always makes me mad.

We know that there are way more wayward men than women. We can see it here in SI but also through family and friends. Sometimes it seems to me that men are always flirting and trying to score outside of the marriage. I've seen it first hand, even from close friends. It is disgusting.

So this makes her betrayal even worse for me. What are the odds that she would find a mate that would not pursue extra marital affairs? Not too great, I think. And I didn't even do what many men do after finding out about their WW's affair, which is to have an A of their own in he aftermath.

In summary, I just want a pat on my back :)


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
HurtingandLost
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding Limboland:

Limboland sucks. Its a shit syrup topping to a shitty situation.

Depending on how long limboland exists in maintaining the status quo, it has a direct influence on making a decision to D and get the hell out while the gettings good.

I am SLOOOOOOWLY seeing progress, and only this past week, so I am hopeful that limboland dissipates as soon as possible so we can move forward.

If it doesnt, and things stagnate for a period of time, I'm moving on.....

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 4:35 PM, September 5th (Sunday)]


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We know that there are way more wayward men than women
.

What are the odds that she would find a mate that would not pursue extra marital affairs? Not too great, I think.

It takes two to tango...my friend.

If a woman is on the prowl..she will find a willing participant (and vice versa).


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8446 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We know that there are way more wayward men than women

.

What are the odds that she would find a mate that would not pursue extra marital affairs? Not too great, I think.

It takes two to tango...my friend.

If a woman is on the prowl..she will find a willing participant (and vice versa).

Maybe I was not clear. What I meant is that *I* am the mate that she married and I did not cheat. So even though the odds are against her (in some sense) I never cheated on her. So she was lucky, but then she strayed herself. That's what makes me mad... I'm NOT one of those men - and she still did it!


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are the odds that she would find a mate that would not pursue extra marital affairs?

Ummm, 100% on this thread my friend.

Did you know that 50% of the doctors out there graduated in the lower half of their class?


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummm, 100% on this thread my friend.

Did you know that 50% of the doctors out there graduated in the lower half of their class?

I should add that we are not typical by any means :)


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
jasper
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Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's interesting to me about the "more men cheat" statistic is that my WW had an ongoing fear that I would cheat. She had dreams, and she would wake up pissed off about how I had reacted to her discovery "in the dream." It used to piss me off so much. I never even thought about cheating.

After dday, I used this against her, obviously. And her reaction was so weird. It was almost like she felt that she had beat me to the punch.

In her mind, I had not done enough to prove to her that I would never cheat, so she was always suspicious.

When I discovered her A, and she saw my reaction, she responded with some form of "well, now you know how I've felt all along."

She used her insecurity, and my inability to make her feel more secure, as a way to excuse her infidelity.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry nuance, but i disagree.

Most men who are cheated on DO NOT go out and have their own affair.

I also think that whether a H is 'a cheater' or not has very limited impact on whether the W will cheat. Yes as BS's we often entertain thoughts of a revenge A, but in the vast majority of BH & BW it remains just a thought. Most are realing from the impact of Infidelity, and then either try to resucitate the M or end up Seperating or Divourced.

Actually to follow up on something Razor said, Im not actually sure that there are cheating sorts or non-cheating sorts. It may be be a rather controversial view here at SI but I think almost all of us have the capacity to cheat, It just that we all have differnent thresholds, The reason we are the BH's is because our WW's threshold was reached first.

Im also very much doubt that the more men cheat statistic is going to stand for much longer in the western culture. And using an informal poll of the sex of Active SI members is biased, Im pretty sure that more women are comfortable hashing through their feelings on a public website (albeit annonymously) than men are.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She used her insecurity, and my inability to make her feel more secure, as a way to excuse her infidelity.

Word.

And in the process of collecting my balls off the dust, I realized there is never, ever nothing I could do,

to "make" someone who clings to - and even manipulates me through her insecurity - better.

"We won't be fooled again."
O No.

This too:

I also very much doubt that the more men cheat statistic is going to stand for much longer in the western culture.

I've said before that we are about 20-30 years behind wimmenz when it comes to abuse-issues, and the present societal assumption of guilt, ie, we are.
So, I'd say "reporting bias" would take 20-30 years before acknowledging it's been 50/50...


for the last 10 years!

Ahh, the wimmenz movement...what strides and advances they've made, huh?


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, September 6th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I discovered her A, and she saw my reaction, she responded with some form of "well, now you know how I've felt all along."

She used her insecurity, and my inability to make her feel more secure, as a way to excuse her infidelity.

I got this one, too. Along with the equivalent of "so I know how it feels to be betrayed by your spouse and I learned that what was important was that you came home to me at night, not who or what you might be doing in the meantime."


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Jimi40
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Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fella's, if you honestly believe that more men cheat, then women, you're fools. I'd be willing to bet a weeks wage, that if you could get everyone to tell the truth, more women cheat, and with more partners.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fella's, if you honestly believe that more men cheat, then women, you're fools. I'd be willing to bet a weeks wage, that if you could get everyone to tell the truth, more women cheat, and with more partners.

I'd say its equal-if more men cheat than women, are they cheating with other men?

statistically speaking, it should be about 50-50, correct?

[This message edited by 64fleet at 8:37 AM, September 7th (Tuesday)]


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Jimi40
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Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think more single guys will screw married women, then the other way around. I also think more married women are on the prowl these days, looking for younger guys, to satisfy their egos.

Another sad fact is, that those of us (BH) that post here are a minority as far as BH's go. Most are far too embarrassed to talk about their oldlady's indiscretions.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I was not clear.

...actually I misread your post.

Sorry.....


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8446 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We know that there are way more wayward men than women

Not on SI.

Statistically the numbers are very close. And most psychologists are saying that the numbers for WW are going up.

My personal belief is that women are more likely to LIE about whether or not they cheated.

When men and women are asked about their sexual history women normally under play the number of partners they had. While men tend to over play the numbers. Men with many *conquests* are seen as virile. Women with many *conquests* are seen as whores.

So statistics on cheating are highly suspect.

Also.

My personal belief is that men that are cheated on are no more likely to cheat than women. Actually. May be less so than women. This just so because IMHO it is easier for women to find willing partners than it is for men. Just my opinion. Because men must hunt for it. Whereas women just have to be open to it.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
BrokenHead
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Member # 24218
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just need a sanity check, been working towards D/S, realize time to get on with "it" whatever "it" is...

Before the fall:

Me - BS 49
Her - WS 47
Boys (14/15)
M - 21 years

Me: Work from home, hands-on dad, clean the house, never go out with buddies, nice house, good job that let's me work at home. Do 1/2 the food shopping, get the kids off to school almost every morning, make at least 1/2 the dinners and most of the meals on weekends.

Her: SAHM, great mother (abeit totally co-dependent) to our boys. Spends her time online shopping, exercising, and (now) FB 24x7.


Timeline:

(6/09) DDay

won't stop the A, normal lies, blameshifting, gaslighting, marriage history rewrites, no remorse

OM (who is ex-police) _suggests_ WW is emotionally abused and points her at local domestic abuse center, by then 9/09 WW is seeing 3 abuse/IC folks, nice way to build a case against BS

try MC for a couple of weeks till it's clear she ain't interested

(7/09) sons ask me if mom is dating someone - I lie

(8/09) decide to _inform_ her parents, sister, friend, OM sister about A

few days later WW tells my boys 14/15 "daddy saying mean things about mommy and tracking and snooping on her"

a few days after that my boys tell me this, I sit them down and tell them about A (basically facts about what is happening, that no one should ever have an A even if they are unhappy with their spouse, don't care if they hate us both the truth is more important) my sons first words "dad we already knew"...few weeks later she writes a note to the boys how unhappy she was an how OM "helped" her

(9/09) 21st anniversary approaches, I make the D appt. with a lawyer, tell WW. Two days later OM (I assume) dumps her when OM sees the heat coming on.

(10/09 - present) LIMBOLAND - OM out of picture other than sniffing around FB she is just in limbo no R convinced I am 100% of the problem and (I guess) should R myself and show her I can _make_ her happy.

WS mindset now:

WW has deemed me to have a personality disorder, WW thinks I've raped her (she was SAB as a child from her brother), abuse counselors help aid victim status as do her circle of _supportive_ fiends. In-laws (luckily) don't take sides. Spends time now trying to rekindle relationships via FB and mini-reunions with old HS friends. Most of the time treats me like a grocer store clerk and pimped out slave to bring in the cash. Occassionally, blows up and complains about how I could have told her children and family about the A and all the past abuse she's suffered. Talks of S from time to time but never does anything about it. Marriage history rewrites continue, 20 years of complete hell if you listen to her.

My analysis:

Yes, I've done a lot of soul-searching. I shouldn't have been so PA in the marriage, I never stood up her controlling my life and critizing every little thing I did, and should have known she just towed me around motivating me by telling me how I need to change and make her happy. For not having the balls to stand up to her, I blame myself.

Not that it really matters other than I know there is nothing to R unless she plans on being involved in it, and not that it changes anything, but I AM LOOKING FOR SI FOLKS TO RING IN AND SAY I AM DEAD ON HERE, I know there is no hope with someone this far from reality and she is going create and protect any reality that keeps her image that she is a "good person". She clearly is NPD, plays the victim to the letter. Everyone in her life, me, (now) the kids (as teenagers), her friends, family have never supported her and have ignored and abused her.

Personally I think the only way she is ever going to look at herself and want to change it when the D/S bomb drops (or sometime after). Funny I've got to the point where I don't really care I just want to end this nightmare.

Time to drop the bomb, eh?


Posts: 144 | Registered: Jun 2009
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenHead.

You are dead on. It take BOTH partners working they asses off together to save the M. You cant do it alone.

All you can do is work on you self.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jimi40
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Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenhead, time to cut bait, and run. She isn't interested in saving shit right now. Looks like she may want to be the high school prom queen. Do for your boys, and do for you. Let her swing in the breeze.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Mighty
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Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Limboland: Wincing did a good job at describing why you might find yourself there.
from Wincing: She felt bad for cheating on me only as long as she didn't feel like I deserved it. If I did anything to change that opinion -- say the wrong thing, be moody, forget to take out the trash, whatever -- then I'd deserve it again..

This is where my wife is currently, so Iím hoping Iím on the same path as he went through. I donít accept the current state of the marriage and who she is, so Iím in limboland. There arenít any current deal-breaker behaviors though, unlike some of you all.

I do not envision it as worse than divorce: Iím with the woman I chose to be with. I am getting the benefits of marriage, dating, etc. and not having to deal with the pressures of being a single dad. Why Iím here is because I chose to be here. Iím an optimist and believe my wife is capable of some change. She has some character traits though that are no longer acceptable. Iím giving her time while I sort out my own shit.

Wincing also hit on a primary advantage of limboland. Iím working through my own issues and bettering myself. This has resulted in a certain pride/self-esteem that I can rely on myself and change my fate; I donít really need anyone else to define me. Without this, if I had gone to the D, it is entirely probable Iíd become a doormat again. There is a freedom in limboland too; she no longer controls me or my direction in life and is just a passenger. Iíll accept and appreciate the good things, and completely reject the bad ones.

My question for you wincing... Did her self-awareness and deep remorse evolve slowly, or was there a turning point? Has she told you what really made her aware and how she finally ďgot itĒ?


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
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